Dating in High School

[HorseJumperCTS]

I am 16, and finally allowed to date. After seeing some different views and hearing different things, I am wondering: Is there anything wrong with dating someone whom you don’t intend to marry? Just having “normal high school boyfriends”? Because realistically, I probably won’t marry anyone from my high school, but I personally don’t think that means I should be deprived of the fun of my teenage years (while still preserving my chastity, of course )…

Opinions, experiences, stories?

 

[Harmony1988]

I finished highschool 2 years ago. There is nothing wrong with dating in highschool, but, there isn’t any point in dating unless you do it with the intention of looking for a potential spouse. And at 16, that should be the last thing on your mind.

Dating (courting) is primarily to discern, to find out about your partner, whether your compatible for marriage. There is nothing wrong with going out with a guy or girl as friends, but when you start to bring in kissing and all that it kind of ruins it later on when you do actually get married and think, gee what was the point in doing all that long ago.

Instead of seeing it as ‘dating’ be more active in groups with the guy/guys you like, if you will…do ‘group dates’ instead of 1 on 1. Dating adds pressure too which you probably don’t need whilst still in school. Just keep in mind that it should all just be for fun at the moment, nothing serious.

Cheers

 

[pumpkinbeast]

Don’t date someone exclusively unless you’re at least open to considering marrying them. Otherwise you’ll just be playing with someone else’s feelings. You can have LOADS of fun without dating as a teenager. In fact, you might even have MORE fun without dating. If you meet someone who seems like they might make a good spouse someday, then date, and discern. But if you’re just going to have a boyfriend/girlfriend “for fun”, that is treating another person like a toy for your own enjoyment.

My two cents.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

As an old lady, more than old enough to be your mother…

…If you mean going some place with one person who happens to be of the opposite gender, or with one person of the oppostie gender and a group of people who are of both genders, to have fun doing something, or to participate in some sort of volunteer activity, or to study at home or some place else- whyever not??? How are you supposed to learn how to get along with men if you don’t first learn how to get along with boys? And you will be happy to know that young women have a civilizing influence on most young men, the kind who would be “up” for this sort of dating. You will also be happy to know that you, too, can think of ideas and are free to ask young men to go places and do things.

…If you mean going off to your bedroom to study, instead of a family or public area, or driving off in a car alone to a dark place, or worse, then NO! But you seem to be avoiding that already.

 

[1ke]

I am 16, and finally allowed to date. After seeing some different views and hearing different things, I am wondering: Is there anything wrong with dating someone whom you don’t intend to marry? Just having “normal high school boyfriends”?

IMHO, yes.

Those relationship take on a life of their own once you are in them. You already know you will eventually break up with these “boyfriends” and that is very emotionally devasting.

You will be putting time, energy, and precious emotion into relationships you KNOW will end. You are purposely building romantic feelings for a boy who you do not intend to marry.

Yes, it’s a bad idea.

Because realistically, I probably won’t marry anyone from my high school,

Yep. You are pretty much right on there.

but I personally don’t think that means I should be deprived of the fun of my teenage years

This is a false dichotomy. You’ve framed this as “dating” = “fun high school years” and “not dating” = “miserable high school years”.

This is called a false dichotomy because these two things have nothing to do with each other. You’ve created that connection in your head.

In fact, looking back the key to happiness in my high school years would have been NOT dating and instead hanging out with my girl friends, having clean fun, nd NOT getting emotionally entangled in romantic relationships that only hurt me, caused me to withdraw from my girl friends (boyfriends tend to do that to other relationships), and not focus on what I should have been focusing on.

(while still preserving my chastity, of course )… Opinions, experiences, stories?

You think it will be easy to “preserve your chastity” while simultaneously dating in meaningless relationships for prolonged periods of time-- it ain’t so. It will be difficult, and the more boyfriends you have the more likely you will be to go a little farther each time with them.

 

[mikew262]

IMO, there is nothing wrong with dating. Obviously, at 16 you are not ready for marriage yet, so that shouldn’t be a consideration, but dating helps you learn to relate with others of the opposite sex, and know what your likes and dislikes are.

Obviously, you should try to refrain from having sexual relations. As I told my daughter, unless you are ready to be a mother, abstain.

 

[Harmony1988]

Bottom line, no it’s not ‘wrong’ to date in highschool, nothing of the sort, but just ask whether you can really dedicate time seriously and if whether it would be better to have fun in groups instead.

 

[mikew262]

Bottom line, no it’s not ‘wrong’ to date in highschool, nothing of the sort, but just ask whether you can really dedicate time seriously and if whether it would be better to have fun in groups instead.

She can’t do both? I did.

 

[mikew262]

Horsejumper:

You are not from IL are you?

 

[HannahLisa]

A fellow college freshman of mine said the other day that the thing about dating is that you will either break up or marry any person you date seriously. The question is, are you ready to deal with either one? High school relationships can end in marriage (my parents were high school sweethearts and have been married 19 years), but that is the exception rather than the rule and the waiting isn’t much fun.

I second what other have said about doing group things – some of my best high school experiences were with my youth group. Just hanging out with groups of friends is fine. When it comes to exclusive dating, though…you DO NOT need a boyfriend to be happy! Learn to be yourself by yourself before you try and get involved romantically with a guy, and don’t just date anyone, especially in high school. A lot of teenage guys aren’t worth it. It’s definitely a case by case basis though - my boyfriend is graduating this year and I definitely think we did the right thing with that, even though it’ll be a long wait until we get married and we’ll probably be dirt poor for a while. If he was any other guy, it wouldn’t work.

Pray about it, a lot. Take it on a case by case basis. Don’t get into a relationship just to be in one! And don’t stress about it - you’re 16, you don’t need to worry too much about anything like this yet.

 

[HorseJumperCTS]

I never said I need a boyfriend to be happy! I’m in no rush- I have already turned some down. I just want to know tht, if a guy that I like asks me out, can I safely be his girlfriend even though most high school relationships don’t last?

 

[brycelaliberte]

Advice from someone your own age, don’t do anything sexual, even kissing could be considered too much. It seems like something you want, but later, you realize you gave away something of yourself that you will never get back.

A few things to expect out of dating, at least for myself;

Never start dating with the intention of marrying, instead, date with the intention of finding out more about that person.

Never begin a relationship with someone with the intention of dating them, only as friends. If you end up dating that person, and things don’t go well, you should be easily friends again afterwards.

Be wary of what you might want to call ‘love.’ Chances are very good that if it happens within the first 6 months of knowing a person, it’s only an infatuation.
To be in love, you have to be willing to wait forever for that person. But again, be wary of fleeting feelings.

Avoid one-on-one dating as much as possible. There’s nothing wrong with the occasional date, but I’ve learned that with friends around you tend to not do anything dramatic you wouldn’t normally do.

Don’t date for the sake of dating.

All I can think of now. Also take other people’s advice here, I’ve learned that it is always very good.

 

[HannahLisa]

I never said I need a boyfriend to be happy! I’m in no rush- I have already turned some down. I just want to know tht, if a guy that I like asks me out, can I safely be his girlfriend even though most high school relationships don’t last?

There’s nothing wrong with high school dating in and of itself. However, it may not always be the wisest decision. In general though, yes, it would be okay. It’s definitely a case by case thing.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

I never said I need a boyfriend to be happy! I’m in no rush- I have already turned some down. I just want to know tht, if a guy that I like asks me out, can I safely be his girlfriend even though most high school relationships don’t last?

If you think you could consider being his spouse someday, yes. If not, then don’t go for it. Some highschool relationships DO last, and maybe you will find your future spouse, IF you are called to marriage, in highschool. I don’t think you should turn down a guy who seems right in many other ways just because statistically you might not last together. That would be rather harsh. “Would you like to go out with me?” “Well, I would say yes, because you’re awesome in so many ways, but, you know, most highschool relationships don’t last, so I’m not going to give you a chance.” Sounds a bit silly to me. But then again, a guy who was willing to wait for you until after graduation to date you would be a pretty awesome guy… ^^

 

[HorseJumperCTS]

If you think you could consider being his spouse someday, yes. If not, then don’t go for it. Some highschool relationships DO last, and maybe you will find your future spouse, IF you are called to marriage, in highschool. I don’t think you should turn down a guy who seems right in many other ways just because statistically you might not last together. That would be rather harsh. “Would you like to go out with me?” “Well, I would say yes, because you’re awesome in so many ways, but, you know, most highschool relationships don’t last, so I’m not going to give you a chance.” Sounds a bit silly to me. But then again, a guy who was willing to wait for you until after graduation to date you would be a pretty awesome guy… ^^

Thank you. Your answer is by far the best That’s exactly how I have been feeling.

 

[chevalier]

I am 16, and finally allowed to date. After seeing some different views and hearing different things, I am wondering: Is there anything wrong with dating someone whom you don’t intend to marry?

If you don’t know if you will marry him, I don’t think so. If you know you won’t marry him (e.g. he has certain qualities which make him fine for now but not forever and he isn’t likely to change), then I think there is something wrong in it.

Just having “normal high school boyfriends”?

Why the plural? I don’t think there’s anything very wrong in having a boyfriend if you’re particularly fond of the guy and would like him to turn out your future husband - or if he might potentially be good material. I would be careful with having a boyfriend for the sake of having one, though - I believe you’re better off without that.

Because realistically, I probably won’t marry anyone from my high school, but I personally don’t think that means I should be deprived of the fun of my teenage years (while still preserving my chastity, of course )…

There are other ways of “fun” and you can surely go to a dance or five, see a film or two, have a coffee in a nice place, you get the point. But while people seem to think there’s nothing wrong with having light-hearted romantic attachments, I’m not so sure of that and something rebels in me at the thought - after all, we’re ultimately supposed to marry one person, so we don’t need baggage - a collection of broken engagements, ex boyfriends, could-have-beens, lost love interests and so on. And fun is not a good motivator to have a relationship with someone.

Also, it’s true that the phrase, “to have a relationship,” implies some kind of a-bit-like-marriage-but-not-there, which is a bit like a property mark and a license to do things. I don’t think it should be taken that way. At the same time, I think if people love each other, they shouldn’t be deprived of the company of each other, just because of their young age. However, I would concentrate on the matter rather than the form. At this young age, people don’t need a form to bind them, they need substance to fill the form. Those forms are not merited if there is no substance.

So all in all, if you begin to love and/or develop a particular fondness of and attraction to a particular young man, you’ll have to do something with it, but looking for a boyfriend just to fill the shoes is not a good idea, I think.

 

[chevalier]

As for whether dating is appropriate, or whether exclusive dating is appropriate, certain things to consider:

1. It’s a bad idea to focus exclusively on someone for the sake of having that someone, with the exclusion of others, i.e. closing oneself to finding out about others, with the result that one invests himself or herself in a relationship which is so very likely to fail. You lose much that way.
2. It’s a bad idea, and I believe it’s wrong, to start a relationship which you know will end. It’s futile and it lacks the purpose which makes “dating” “allowable” - i.e. looking for a husband or wife.

The two points above seem to be in contradiction. In fact, they’re not. The point is to be mindful of things and to avoid delusions.

As for the so called “non-exclusive dating”, I believe there’s more to say about it than it may seem. Firstly, it’s true that exclusivity adds a certain touch to it which may not be very proper - after all, it closes one to others. Secondly, however, I believe romantic relationships with several people at the same time are wrong (I believe they go against nature). How to deal with it?

The answer, in my opinion, is that spending time with a member of the opposite gender, even on a 1 on 1 basis, doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship. And even if it has a romantic touch, it doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship either. People don’t have to kiss just because they have a dinner or coffee together. Kissing, hugging, stroking etc, are not a free game for fun, nor are they a fair reward for being good company. Nor are they definitely anything “friendly”. Friends don’t normally do that, period.

Personally, I prefer to keep it friendly and if it seems there is some interest and attraction, I seek a common ground. If there is any possibility of something more in my mind, then I try to spend more time with the person. If the reaction to trying to spend more time together is positive (it rarely is), then one can think about something which brings people together and allows them to know more about each other. This includes evening walks, protracted strolling through long stretches of land, engaging in something meaningful, having conversations about life. If it somehow goes forward, it’s good. If it doesn’t go forward on its own, maybe it wasn’t meant to be. At some later point, when one has acquired conviction, one can try something more decidedly romantic. Or, depending on the situation, some light romantic hint, albeit unmistakable. If that goes well, perhaps a romantic relationship will grow on its own. If it does, perhaps it will last.

With this in mind, I would suggest not making haste with things, not pretending that there are any more feelings than there really are, not rushing, not attempting to change onself for the sake of being pleasant to the other (unless the change is for the better, but then it should have a better motivation too). If you follow my advice, you will notice that you have less urge to enter into formally defined relationships, while also less to jump into things such as kissing or hugging.

 

[Joannm]

I didn’t date at all in high school and to tell the truth I was miserable in high school thinking that no one even liked me, I have always felt I missed out on something. I married the first guy who paid attention to me. For better or worse we are married 31 years, but I always wonder if I had dated others if we would even be married. It has not been an easy marriage to say the least.

 

[Suz21]

I’m 22, and haven’t been in a relationship yet… for one I’ve never met anyone I could visualize a future with, and for another I didn’t want to get involved unless marriage was a not so distant possibility. I had a great youth! Lots of fun, hanging out with girls, and guys, being random and happy… and knowing that I had no regrets about keeping my heart pure, and living at the centre of God’s will.

My older sister got into a relationship at 18- similar to the one u describe- just for fun, no serious committments, etc. Of course it did not end well- the guy started falling deeper in love with her, while she still didn’t want more… she finally broke up with him, coz she realized it wasn’t fair to him. And in spite of the fact that she wasn’t as deeply involved, she wept and wept the night they broke up and almost got back with him just because she felt so bad about it. C’mon, this isn’t what our youth is supposed to be about- heartbreak and drama.

Have you been through the Pure Love Club site? One thing I read, and agree with is:

So, I personally don’t see any point of seriously committing to a person when you know that marriage is still several years away.

pureloveclub.com/chastity/index.php?id=7&entryid=134

 

[ladylinguist]

While I don’t think there’s anything morally reprehensible about dating in high school, personal experience has led me to think it’s somewhat pointless. I used to be very keen on dating just for the sake of dating (hey it’s fun, right, and isn’t it a normal part of the high school experience?), it led me to the conclusion that dating for the sake of dating is just something of a hassle and completely moot. Yeah, having a boyfriend is fun but think of the energy and drama that so often goes into being in a relationship. Think of how, the longer you’re with that person, the more in love you will become (and it’s so easy to fall in love, even with someone you have no intention of marrying). Breaking up, as they say, is hard to do and do you really want to go through all that heartache? You can have tons of fun with friends and there’s no pressure to be intimate. And trust me, the longer you’re with someone, the harder it is to be chaste. So, IMHO, dating for dating’s sake is rarely worth the trouble. But, as I said, as long as you’re sticking to your morals and not behaving unchastely, there’s nothing sinful about it.