Dating in the Modern World

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I need advice. How have people here dealt with dating, particularly with those who don’t have strong values concerning sexual morality? It seems that a lot of people here generally only date strong Christians who have such values. Is this the case? While I would love to date a fellow Catholic, frankly, I think I’m going to need to lower my standards a bit as that pool has essentially become non-existent where I live. But I just feel like that’s going to be a disaster…

I would really like to hear success stories about this.
 
I wouldnt lower my standards.

Dating (with the ultimate goal of marrying) a person who I have lowered the standards for and who does not live a Catholic lifestyle while I am trying to, is a recipe for failure.

If I never meet that special devout Catholic woman, its always a possibility that God has called me to the single life.
 
Stay strong and stick to your morals. Search where Christians tend to gather or online. Search for people who have a passion for Christ that matches yours. There is a time for everything, even being single. Learn to be comfortable with being single and things will surly change. I met my wife when I was 29 or 30, we kept to our strict Catholic teachings throughout the dating process (which will cull out the bad apples) and were married there after.
 
trust me your plite is nothing new, im 27 your old man and suffer from same morality issue, and even been frowned on for holding out on my age.

just hang in there…and like me have hope a woman comes along that likes the fact you waited.
 
OrangeOwl said:
I think I’m going to need to lower my standards a bit
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Ask yourself - are your standards of holiness based on truth? Or are they based on whatever will get you what you want? If the former, then there’s nothing to “lower.” You can’t pretend sinful behavior is not sinful because it suits you, right?

True, this is a dark, demented, perverse generation in which we dwell. It is possible God wills that you carry this cross and be a light to others on the matter, hopefully until He sends you a suitable mate in short order.
 
You don’t need to lower your standards to date others who may not share your Catholic values. If you find some one who values you as a person it won’t bother them. If it does bother them they aren’t the one for you.

One of my college friends, she was a hard core atheist. She thought religion was the most ridiculous thing ever invented and let everyone know. She was waiting until marriage for her own personal reasons. She refused to date any sort of religious person because of her own beliefs and she had no trouble finding guys who respected her position on waiting until marriage. When I had last spoken to her (which has been a while now) she was in a serious long term relationship that was completely chaste.

The point of that story is, that there are plenty of people who would respect and honor your choice, regardless of their personal moral beliefs. However that doesn’t mean you should just settle for less than everything you are looking for in a partner, just because you are unable to find what you are looking for in your area. Good luck!
 
MarcoPolo said:
Ask yourself - are your standards of holiness based on truth? Or are they based on whatever will get you what you want? If the former, then there’s nothing to “lower.” You can’t pretend sinful behavior is not sinful because it suits you, right?

True, this is a dark, demented, perverse generation in which we dwell. It is possible God wills that you carry this cross and be a light to others on the matter, hopefully until He sends you a suitable mate in short order.
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I don’t think the OP is saying that she will stop living a chaste life, but that she will start looking at men who do not share the same values with her. Which is still a dangerous thing to do, but certainly doesn’t warrant a reply like this. She is not trying to pretend that sinful behaviour isn’t sinful, but rather trying to find out if she could succesfully date someone who doesn’t share her values while still sticking to them.

OP, yes, this can work out, but it also has a much greater chance of not working out. My brother-in-laws’ sister recently married a man who had not previously been opposed to sex-before marriage, or even desirous of having a family, but through much talking and recognizing that they both were very interested in the other person despite their differences she was able to convince him to wait for marriage out of respect of her principles and even managed to get him really excited about the idea of having a family. 🙂 However, do be warned that most guys out there will not be like him and that you will end up getting involved with someone who keeps pressuring you to sin and with whom you will have irreconcilable differences. If you do decide to open up your options I would definitely be more gaurded in your affections. :sad_yes: You don’t want to get really attatched to someone only to discover that you have irreconcilable differences and will never be able to marry because of it. I would also be sure to have a clear idea in your head of your absolute must-haves. For instance, they must be willing to wait for marriage to have sex, and whatever else you see as a non-negotiable. Maybe other posters with more experience of relationships where people have different values can throw out more ideas for non-negotiables for you to think about. I hope that helps. 🙂
 
First, we must put our hope and trust in God. Next, we need to earnestly look.

avemariasingles.com/Ave_Maria_Singles_Success_Stories.cfm

I am Polish Catholic and spend time in a Polish Catholic neighborhood. Don’t give up your ethnic identity either my Polish Catholic brothers and sisters. Then again, my close friend is married to a wonderful (no, not perfect) lady who is Irish-English-Scottish. She was a Methodist but converted to Catholic. Her husband is Polish Catholic.

In the 1970s and early 1980s, it was still possible to take your date to dinner and a movie - but the movies fell by the wayside as the years passed. My last girlfriend was smart, funny, committed to God, and we were both on the same page regarding dating.

I recall our first few dates where we met at a restaurant and both of us drove separately. After she was convinced I was not an ‘unbalanced weirdo’ (my phrase, not hers), we would go to the cider mill, to see a dance company, go shopping and visit rustic restaurants in the far suburbs, i.e.; farm country. I even took her to the finest Polish restaurant in town, once, and helped her order. We would go to her apartment, play chess, watch a little TV together, when that was still OK, and make out.

No sexual intercourse.
Just enjoying our time together, getting to know each other, visiting each other’s families, and having each other’s companionship. We became friends and I would hear about issues in her family and at her job. We’d talk things out. It was very good.

By the time marriage was brought up, God gave me the wisdom to ask what she expected if we got married. And she had a list. Realizing that I could not provide most of what she wanted, I let her go. On the other hand, my friend’s wife, while having almost identical tastes, realized that marriage was not just about stuff. Oh sure, you could have what you can afford. The family even took a trip to Ireland. (My last girlfriend was Irish-English.) But she knew what it meant to live within your means. She is also very attractive, causing her husband to say to me (jokingly), “Yeah. Look who she ended up with.”

Shared faith. Shared values.

Some, not all, shared interests.

Similarity in age (she was not quite a year younger than me) so we could share our past and not wonder what it was like (if I had picked someone much younger, for example).

And attracted to each other.

Contact your parish, find out if they hold any events for singles. If not, contact a bunch of local parishes and find out. Or go online and find out.

She’s not likely to fall into your lap if you do nothing.

And even in this unmodern age, she’s out there. But you have to make an effort and be persistent. We, including myself, tend to want things to happen sooner rather than later. We have been taught not to be patient.

Be patient, but make sure you do the legwork. Get out there.

Hope this helps,
Ed
 
OrangeOwl said:
I need advice. How have people here dealt with dating, particularly with those who don’t have strong values concerning sexual morality? It seems that a lot of people here generally only date strong Christians who have such values. Is this the case? While I would love to date a fellow Catholic, frankly, I think I’m going to need to lower my standards a bit as that pool has essentially become non-existent where I live. But I just feel like that’s going to be a disaster…

I would really like to hear success stories about this.
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I can’t see myself being happy with someone whose current sexual mores I couldn’t respect (the past is a different thing), so I tend to skip. But I try not to skip people because of only a single aspect, as long as I could still respect them overall. Even so, I just don’t want the hassle of having to deal with a different sexual ethic.
 
chevalier said:
I can’t see myself being happy with someone whose current sexual mores I couldn’t respect (the past is a different thing), so I tend to skip. But I try not to skip people because of only a single aspect, as long as I could still respect them overall. Even so, I just don’t want the hassle of having to deal with a different sexual ethic.
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Stand firm on that. Real love and real commitment need to happen first. Marriage was, and still is, a wonderful thing for a lot of Catholics. Right now, the constant 24/7 lies about sex is number one is putting the cart before the horse

To get things back to their proper order, we need friendship, compatibility and fidelity.

Peace,
Ed
 
I know how you feel. It’s hard to find anyone with morals nowadays (so many Christians are becoming secular). Just remember that God is in control of everything. Most of the time we try to do things within our own power, and when we realize we can’t, we get discouraged. Put all your worries in His hands. Let Him guide you. And, of course, pray.
 
It’s tough because our culture and society has “progressed” enough that you not only look for a Catholic, you have to look for a certain “kind” of Catholic. (Obligation only Catholic? Cafeteria Catholic? Fallen-away Catholic? Lukewarm Catholic?)

But, the thing is, that if God is calling us to marriage, then He has a plan. What we see is like putting your nose up to a beautiful painting. We can only see a smidgen of the painting, sometimes we can put pieces together and kind of see a little bigger picture, but we don’t get it. God sees the painting in it’s entire beauty, so He sees the plan that we can only grasp at.

Someone recommended Ave Maria Singles - I have heard a LOT of good things from this site, so definatly recommend it if you don’t live in an area with a lot of Catholic singles.

And pray! Pray for your vocation, pray for your future spouse, and pray for God’s will in your life.

Your in my prayers,

Chloe M.
 
Let’s put it this way: Supposing you do meet someone whose sexual mores are inconsistent with yours. Supposing the relationship leads to marriage. What happens then? What happens when the excitement of newly married life wears off? Will your spouse then start roaming elsewhere to recapture that excitement with someone new? If they have been morally lax in the past, how do you know they are really committed to you?

What happens when the two of you get older and pressures, ill health, and the like start to erode libido?

That’s why it’s important to have shared values.
 
edwest2 said:
Stand firm on that. Real love and real commitment need to happen first. Marriage was, and still is, a wonderful thing for a lot of Catholics. Right now, the constant 24/7 lies about sex is number one is putting the cart before the horse

Peace,
Ed
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Agreed! To get things back to their proper order, we need friendship, compatibility and fidelity.

To lower your standards would be a really bad idea!!
I did it and “lost” 4 years of my life being with someone who didn’t respect me, my family and my religion.
I’ve been single for 2 years almost but I don’t regret it even if it’s hard sometimes. Time will come for everyone.

:hug1:
 
OrangeOwl said:
I need advice. How have people here dealt with dating, particularly with those who don’t have strong values concerning sexual morality? It seems that a lot of people here generally only date strong Christians who have such values. Is this the case? While I would love to date a fellow Catholic, frankly, I think I’m going to need to lower my standards a bit as that pool has essentially become non-existent where I live. But I just feel like that’s going to be a disaster…

I would really like to hear success stories about this.
Click to expand...
Dear OrangeOwl,

Cordial greetings and a very good day.

You would, dear friend, be strongly advised to avoid a compromising attitude in the matter of any friendships with the opposite sex, otherwise there is a chance that you yourself might be swayed by anti-Christian influences, which could subvert good moral standards. “Do not be deceived: Bad company ruins good morals” (I Cor. 15: 33). Moreover, there is a very real danger, given the prevalent decadence of the West, that those with lax morals will corrupt those of high moral rectitude in any friendship, rather than the latter exerting any beneficial effects upon the former. In short, give a jolly wide berth to any ‘companion’, male or female, who is not distinguished by impeccable moral uprightness.

Although this is not the subject of your enquiry, dear friend, I would just like to say a brief word about courtships, or ‘dating’ as it is now termed. Having a ‘steady’ boy or girlfriend is now accepted practice and not even Catholics see anything amiss with such an exclusive friendship. Thus you have young people in their teens, who are in no position to think of entering into holy wedlock for several years, seeing the same person regularly, frequently and exclusively. Now besides the obvious disadvantage of such an exclusive courtship (it narrows the field from which young people can select a marriage companion) there is another more immediate danger; such steady company-keeping is surely a proximate occasion of mortal sins against chastity. Older couples experience this difficulty, to be sure, but in their case it is a necessary occasion, and, using the ordinary precautions, they can expect the necessary help from God to keep from sin. Such is not the case with younger boys and girls. Therefore, in the view of this prevalent practice of courting, an obligation is laid upon parents, notwithstanding petulant protests from their teen-age offspring, to take determined and strict stance and strongly prohibit such exclusive dating. It is more wholesome for a young man or young lady to have a wide circle of friends (of both sexes), rather than becoming romantically involved with one person exclusively.

God bless.

Warmest good wishes,

Portrait

Pax
 
Don’t do it! Don’t settle for less! … Nor should you wear a mask to hide yourself and your values! Life will just become too complicated.

I’ll keep you in my prayers!! 🙂
 
Do not do the same mistake that I did, which was lowering my standards.
 
Portrait said:
Dear OrangeOwl,

Cordial greetings and a very good day.

You would, dear friend, be strongly advised to avoid a compromising attitude in the matter of any friendships with the opposite sex, otherwise there is a chance that you yourself might be swayed by anti-Christian influences, which could subvert good moral standards. “Do not be deceived: Bad company ruins good morals” (I Cor. 15: 33). Moreover, there is a very real danger, given the prevalent decadence of the West, that those with lax morals will corrupt those of high moral rectitude in any friendship, rather than the latter exerting any beneficial effects upon the former. In short, give a jolly wide berth to any ‘companion’, male or female, who is not distinguished by impeccable moral uprightness.

Although this is not the subject of your enquiry, dear friend, I would just like to say a brief word about courtships, or ‘dating’ as it is now termed. Having a ‘steady’ boy or girlfriend is now accepted practice and not even Catholics see anything amiss with such an exclusive friendship. Thus you have young people in their teens, who are in no position to think of entering into holy wedlock for several years, seeing the same person regularly, frequently and exclusively. Now besides the obvious disadvantage of such an exclusive courtship (it narrows the field from which young people can select a marriage companion) there is another more immediate danger; such steady company-keeping is surely a proximate occasion of mortal sins against chastity. Older couples experience this difficulty, to be sure, but in their case it is a necessary occasion, and, using the ordinary precautions, they can expect the necessary help from God to keep from sin. Such is not the case with younger boys and girls. Therefore, in the view of this prevalent practice of courting, an obligation is laid upon parents, notwithstanding petulant protests from their teen-age offspring, to take determined and strict stance and strongly prohibit such exclusive dating. It is more wholesome for a young man or young lady to have a wide circle of friends (of both sexes), rather than becoming romantically involved with one person exclusively.

God bless.

Warmest good wishes,

Portrait

Pax
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You have a point, thought I think you take it too far. What may be an occasion of sin for one person may not necessarily be so for someone else. Certainly, people ought to take precautions to avoid lust. If the people in question are devout Catholics who wish to strictly adhere to the Church’s teachings, where is the problem? Company keeping may be an occasion of sin for some people, but it is not a sin in itself. I should also say that the days where marriages were made because of inter-familial politics were not perfect either.
 
YoungIreland said:
You have a point, thought I think you take it too far. What may be an occasion of sin for one person may not necessarily be so for someone else. Certainly, people ought to take precautions to avoid lust. If the people in question are devout Catholics who wish to strictly adhere to the Church’s teachings, where is the problem? Company keeping may be an occasion of sin for some people, but it is not a sin in itself. I should also say that the days where marriages were made because of inter-familial politics were not perfect either.
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Dear YoungIreland,

Cordial greetings and a very good day. Thankyou for your response.

What we need to remember, dear friend, is that owing to their age and the awakening of sexual desire, often very intense, young people are particularly susceptable to concupiscence. Thus, it makes jolly good sense to avoid any inducements to sexual sin and this can best be done by not becoming to ‘serious’ with one friend. When they have developed emotionally there will be plenty of time for all that courting stuff, but in the meanwhile it is surely prudent to avoid becoming romantically involved with any one individual.

Problem nowadays, dear friend, is that in our sexualised Western culture the youth are growing up exceedingly fast and are being robbed of their childhood. Even Catholic teenagers can be influenced negatively by the decadent culture with which they are surrounded and so they need to be careful to avoid any undesired consequences.

God bless.

Warmest good wishes,

Portrait

Pax
 
I would like to confirm what Portrait wrote. Not only is there virtually unrestricted access by young people in their teens to immoral images, we have those images, and words, virtually anywhere we are. We should realize that just a few years back, you were 11 or 12, and just a few years later, you are 14 and 15. This new fascination with the opposite sex is normal - in a society that practices general moral restraint and has shared values.

No, men were never perfect, but one. So we need good parents, good role models and moral forms of entertainment. I lived during a time period where things were more moral, more modest and more family oriented.

It may not mean much to some teenagers reading this, but it took 40 years of constant, sustained attacks on the family to get us to this point. I encourage you. Contact your parish, or a number of parishes, and find out if they have events for single Catholics that plan on leading moral lives – yes, we (and me) all stumble. But we need to get involved with others who have that faith commitment. We need to make that effort.

Start there. Seek and you shall find. Yes, the immoral noise coming from the world is a bit much today. But pray, ask for strength from God, and realize that functional families are possible, that dating and being in a relationship with both families was once the norm. At one time, it was not uncommon for a teenage girl to say, “my parents are strict and won’t let me date until I’m 16.”

Peace,
Ed
 
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