Dating Life Issues

[JoeofCupertino]

I dont normally start threads on here but lately Ive been having a rough time of things as far as my dating life is concerned.

I recently broke up with a girl. We just didnt work out and it wasnt the right situation. A few months ago a similar situation. The longest relationship I have ever had was 6 months back in high school 8 years ago. Ive had numerous dating relationships that have lasted one date than ended there.

In general, Im shy at first and find it hard to meet new people in person. Almost all my dates and relationships started online. I always figured that finding a woman with similar religious values was very important but hard to find in the normal course of my life.

I thought my new job would help this time last year but it seems to hurt. Sure, I am more outgoing that I have a job I love but women dont tend to enjoy aviation stuff. I thought it would be cool talking how every week I find myself in the cockpit of an aircraft. But the travel and long distance takes it toll. My schedule makes church hard to get to and makes even relationships at home be long distance. I go to church when I am able to get a weekend off. My days off are typically spent sleeping and relaxing after a stressful work week.

I realize being in my mid twenties I am young. However, I feel that age thirty is closely approaching and I fear being single at age thirty. Ive always wanted to be able to have a normal relationship. Yet I am not even sure where to begin. I always figured that finally having a good job would propel me forward but it has had unintended side effect of making things more distant. I can travel between cities far apart like its nothing but driving to the opposite side of town seems so far.

Ive frequently thought of dating outside the faith and open up the dating pool, however I believe I am almost hardwired to stay in my faith. Despite everything, I know God wants me to always have a secure faith foundation for myself and future family.

Many close to me say I should just travel while I can and still have these free benefits. I would love to do that but would like someone to do that with. It is sort of similar to the issues I always run into. The opportunity is there yet there is always some barrier that I put up almost instinctively that blocks it.

Ive thought alot recently about how to approach dating going forward. Ive probably broken numerous hearts and had the same in return. Online dating clearly hasnt worked that well other than to get dates. However, I have never had any success in person being shy as I am. My friends all tell me they dont know anyone to set me up with when I ask so I wonder whether Im even meant to be dating at all despite a strong desire to.

I am struggling to find answers. What I do know is that I cannot continue dating so many girls and breaking up so fast. The supply of women isnt infinite. Ive found a certain stability in every part of my life but dating has been a tough nut to crack.

 

[Leegal]

This is typical today. People spend so much time working on establishing a career and then find that they have neglected to social aspect of their life.

The thing is to learn to feel comfortable socializing. You are looking for a woman with some shared interests.

I have site to suggest to you and that’s Meetup.com. And I think this is the best way. You put in your zip and interest(s) and groups come up within your area based on those interests. The groups are based on age too – many of them. So, this way you know you are not seeing a movie and dinner with a much older group of people. This is not dating – it sharing interests with people of both sexes in a group setting – people of your own age. I have recommended this to a number of men and most have come back and thanked me. Yes, it’s a bit uncomfortable at first, but every member was new once and so will others. It may help with your shyness. I’m shy in groups but I do okay one on one.

Check them out because they have groups for every interest and every age group and are everywhere. Depending on where you live, there can be a thousand groups all meeting at different times – and if you join a group with an event coming up and cannot attend you just decline on line. If you accept, it’s done on line. And then you go. There’s no cost, except for the cost of the outing (which you would pay for anyway) and maybe a $2.00 charge for the moderator to maintain his site in Groupon. This way you get to socialize with both men and women in a group setting with no pressure to date, but you may find male friends – and you may find a woman or two who you’d like to date as well. And not all groups meet on weekends. It costs nothing to check them out and see the kinds of groups that are available in your area that match your age and interests. It costs nothing to join most groups either – or they have a minimal charge for maintenance of their group within Groupon.

I would suggest on-line Catholic sites again. There’s Catholic Match and Catholic Singles. One is better than the other. Then there’s AveMariasingles. I know nothing about Ave Maria. Look for blogged reviews; not the reviews from a site.

Maybe you have tried them. Don’t give up. Most of these will result in only one date, so that’s to be expected. It’s a process of discernment, and it certainly does not guarantee sucess.on a first date that it will lead to a second and a third and so on.

I would suggest traveling alone. Try it once. There are some travel groups that will hook you up with another male roommate during the trip, so it’s not entirely traveling alone. Check with a travel agent. It may help you with your shyness. And these can be arranged by age because you don’t want to take a trip to Ireland with 50 grandmothers or be hooked up with with a roommate who is retired and does not have your stamina.

If you can arrange it, you can find a parish that has a trip coming up. My mother’s parish did a trip to the Holy Land with the priests and with about 30 members. You might find them to be older though, so check on the age group for the trip.

Good luck and God Bless.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

I realize being in my mid twenties I am young. However, I feel that age thirty is closely approaching and I fear being single at age thirty. Ive always wanted to be able to have a normal relationship. Yet I am not even sure where to begin.

Begin by stop putting your life on artificial timelines based on age. A good many people have few romantic attachments by the time they hit their mid-20s, so in this sense you are completely normal.

I wouldn’t give up on online dating simply because you’ve as of yet not struck gold. If women are thin on the ground in your profession, you could go a long time between dates if you cut out your online options.

Luna

 

[Ellyakamommy]

Joe, there area lot of things you touch on in your post.

Let me ask you, what are your priorities in life?

Does the life you’re currently living match up with those priorities?

I ask because you mention that your life is mostly work and sleeping on days off. You try to get to church on weekends when you can. Is work truly your priority? If so, acknowledge that, if it’s not, then work to make the changes so that it’s only being given it’s proper due and not more than that. I believe if you align your life with your priorities, you’ll start to see things falling into place or gain greater insight into why things aren’t working out on the relationship front.

 

[Luvz2travel]

You’ve got plenty of time. Maybe join a few groups and work on your sociable skills to beat the shyness. I wouldn’t worry though time and demographics are on your side.

 

[Cat_Herder]

The OP is describing my situation, with one difference: I actually have hit the big 3-0 and I can say that nothing “bad” happens when you do. I think a lot of people are over 30 and still single.

There is a lot of pressure to follow the artificial timetables. Some of the pressure is grounded in reality: we want our parents to enjoy their grandchildren. And for women, I can understand the issue of remaining fertile years. The problem seems to be the lack of maturity in society in general. Both genders are guilty of it. But we do not have the ability to change other people, especially not our future spouses.

Loneliness is a heavy cross to bear but rest assured you aren’t alone.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I’d say to keep working on the websites. I was on AMS for over a year–which, frankly, isn’t a very long time–before I met the guy I’ve been dating for the last six months. I went on a fair number of absolute dud first dates, believe me. Think of it as practice, and so long as you’re kind about it, don’t think that not going on a second date equates to a broken heart. Usually, there’s some relief on both sides.

Do make a point, when you can, of getting to church. It is VITAL. More to the point, it’s a mortal sin to miss it on Sundays unless you are forced to, though of course only you can determine if your job situation really is keeping you from Mass. (Many airports, for example, have chapels.)

Consider your current lifestyle and your goals of marriage and family. Frankly, I’d be very hesitant about dating the kind of guy you describe because I would want a husband who would be home more often, or who would at least really be there when he was at home (i.e., rather than sleeping all the time). Will your work schedule get easier in the next few years? I understand that the first few years as a commercial pilot are really brutal.

You mention being shy; are you an introvert? Bear this in mind too when you look for a spouse. Both my boyfriend and I are introverts; we love talking and spending time together, but we’re very happy being in the same room and reading, too. AMS was very helpful in that regard because I’m honestly not sure that if we’d met for the first time in a social setting (rather than online) we’d have hit it off. Online, we had to email, and through email we learned a lot more about the other person much faster than we would have otherwise.

Finally, pray for your wife daily. You may never know this side of Heaven what good your prayers may do. The goal of marriage is, after all, Heaven, so starting to pray for her now can do nothing but good!

 

[lauralh4]

I know the feeling of worry about being in/around your mid-twenties and single. About 4 months ago the guy I “knew” was to be my future spouse broke up with me after almost 2 years of dating. It’s been very difficult since, in part because it was actually a loving and peaceful breakup which definitely leaves some doors open. But the reality of the present moment is that we are no longer in a relationship and that I am single. I feel an incredibly strong vocation to be a mother and wife, so yeah, worry about the 30s approaching and me being nowhere near getting married anymore? Yup, definitely a concern, I’ll admit that.

However, I have to say what a few others have said here: make Mass a priority. And I’ll add something else: make prayer a HUGE priority!! You are right when you say you are young. So am I and I have to keep on reminding myself of that. Remind yourself, too, that you need to listen to what God is saying. When we follow His will, nothing can go wrong. When you remind yourself you’re following His will, it brings some peace of mind, even if you don’t understand why you have to go through what you’re going through, ie. being single and feeling lonely. I’d also suggest a novena to St. Raphael…or maybe not even a novena, but just pray to him every day! He’s definitely a good one to turn to when having this kind of worry

Last but not least, definitely think about your career choice. I’ll be honest and agree with what someone else here said (can’t remember who!): I’d be a bit hesitant to start a relationship with someone who I know is going to be away pretty much all the time. In fact, my last relationship was a long distance one for 8 months before it ended (he went off to grad school), and it was so difficult that we even promised to never be apart after we got married, especially not after having kids. If one had to be relocated because of work or something, we said we’d go together. This would be difficult if your profession is being a commercial pilot or something of the sort. I’ve seen relationships that aren’t even Catholic come to an end because of that. So I’d advice you to think about it - think about your priorities in life. If you know that this is your vocation and you are truly happy with it, then find a way to make it work and pray lots for God to help you with this, too. If you realize that the price to pay is too high, then make the changes that are necessary in your life. Either way, know that nothing is ever a waste of time or effort - we learn from absolutely everything we go through.

I hope things start looking better for you soon! Try praying to St. Raphael Good luck, and God bless!