Dating, major life changes, recovery etc

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PaladinSword

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Hey all,

I am approaching my thirties and I’ve had some major changes in my life in the past few years. I am a catholic male who reverted to the church about two years ago. Before this time I was in a very destructive but passionate relationship for four years that was leading towards marriage. Through substance abuse on both ends and a never ending party lifestyle things fell apart and I lost everything. It was only from this tragedy that I was able to reach out to God again and start rebuilding my life. I lost the girl, my position in society, my home, my friends, pretty much everything. I went to rehab and when I got out moved to transitional housing and mostly cut ties with everyone from my past. I have been there for over two years and have been totally sober for a little over a year and a half. I have had a major and continuing conversion that has been very fruitful and I am greatful for the second chance God has given me at life. I am getting ready to move into a place of my own for the first time in a long time. I haven’t even kissed or gone on a date in the entire time I have been sober. I’ve had some opportunity for romance that I have let pass me by because of my attempted commitment to chastity and high standards. I still struggle with personal impurity like a lot of guys. But I am so used to the party lifestyle I am trying to learn how to court prospective marriage partners while staying true to the new me. It has been very hard and sometimes I wonder what the heck I am doing. I met some amazing women and tried but it seems to have all fizzled out. It’s not like I am unattractive I used to be an alternative fashion model. And these people don’t know me well enough to know about my past or my struggles. I am getting so used to being mostly celebate and starting to give up and not even try. It’s becoming more comfortable than the fear of rejection and other consequences. I love God and trying to stay committed to chastity and my recovery. I still have a deeply broken heart but I for the most part am grateful. I don’t want to be alone much longer though. What do Caf?
 
I am sorry to hear that you are going through this, PaladinSword. I wish I could be of more assistance, but I do not have any answers in this area. All I have to offer is this: :gopray: :hug1:
 
PaladinSword said:
Hey all,

I am approaching my thirties and I’ve had some major changes in my life in the past few years. I am a catholic male who reverted to the church about two years ago. Before this time I was in a very destructive but passionate relationship for four years that was leading towards marriage. Through substance abuse on both ends and a never ending party lifestyle things fell apart and I lost everything. It was only from this tragedy that I was able to reach out to God again and start rebuilding my life. I lost the girl, my position in society, my home, my friends, pretty much everything. I went to rehab and when I got out moved to transitional housing and mostly cut ties with everyone from my past. I have been there for over two years and have been totally sober for a little over a year and a half. I have had a major and continuing conversion that has been very fruitful and I am greatful for the second chance God has given me at life. I am getting ready to move into a place of my own for the first time in a long time. I haven’t even kissed or gone on a date in the entire time I have been sober. I’ve had some opportunity for romance that I have let pass me by because of my attempted commitment to chastity and high standards. I still struggle with personal impurity like a lot of guys. But I am so used to the party lifestyle I am trying to learn how to court prospective marriage partners while staying true to the new me. It has been very hard and sometimes I wonder what the heck I am doing. I met some amazing women and tried but it seems to have all fizzled out. It’s not like I am unattractive I used to be an alternative fashion model. And these people don’t know me well enough to know about my past or my struggles. I am getting so used to being mostly celebate and starting to give up and not even try. It’s becoming more comfortable than the fear of rejection and other consequences. I love God and trying to stay committed to chastity and my recovery. I still have a deeply broken heart but I for the most part am grateful. I don’t want to be alone much longer though. What do Caf?
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Well, I would start by looking where you find these women. Your best bet at finding a lady who shares the same values as you is via church youth group. If you see a nice woman in church, why don’t you talk to her after Mass? Most people at parties are not looking for a commitment nor a scintillating conversation. They are just looking for “a good time.” My advice to you is to A.) pray to God to help you find the woman you are meant to be with B.) broaden your horizons in the places you look for women and C.) understand that if you are single for a time being, it is a chance for self-discovery and and opportunity to grow in your faith. I hope this helps!
 
PaladinSword said:
Hey all,

I am approaching my thirties and I’ve had some major changes in my life in the past few years. I am a catholic male who reverted to the church about two years ago. Before this time I was in a very destructive but passionate relationship for four years that was leading towards marriage. Through substance abuse on both ends and a never ending party lifestyle things fell apart and I lost everything. It was only from this tragedy that I was able to reach out to God again and start rebuilding my life. I lost the girl, my position in society, my home, my friends, pretty much everything. I went to rehab and when I got out moved to transitional housing and mostly cut ties with everyone from my past. I have been there for over two years and have been totally sober for a little over a year and a half. I have had a major and continuing conversion that has been very fruitful and I am greatful for the second chance God has given me at life. I am getting ready to move into a place of my own for the first time in a long time. I haven’t even kissed or gone on a date in the entire time I have been sober. I’ve had some opportunity for romance that I have let pass me by because of my attempted commitment to chastity and high standards. I still struggle with personal impurity like a lot of guys. But I am so used to the party lifestyle I am trying to learn how to court prospective marriage partners while staying true to the new me. It has been very hard and sometimes I wonder what the heck I am doing. I met some amazing women and tried but it seems to have all fizzled out. It’s not like I am unattractive I used to be an alternative fashion model. And these people don’t know me well enough to know about my past or my struggles. I am getting so used to being mostly celebate and starting to give up and not even try. It’s becoming more comfortable than the fear of rejection and other consequences. I love God and trying to stay committed to chastity and my recovery. I still have a deeply broken heart but I for the most part am grateful. I don’t want to be alone much longer though. What do Caf?
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You’ve been through a lot. Last year was my year to go through a lot and it brought me closer to God. You appear to be doing all the right things. I had my chance to do the party lifestyle but I just couldn’t, even though I was surrounded by attractive people, and some of whom really ‘got’ me, but who were stuck in a dope-booze-random sex partner cycle. Thank God, God kept me away.

In your case, may I suggest:

avemariasingles.com/about_Ave_Maria_Single_Catholics.cfm

Hopefully, you’ll meet an amazing woman whose faith and yours are going in the same direction.

Peace,
Ed
 
I constantly get complaints from some of my male friends about how they can’t find someone with quality so I started to pay attention to the sort of girls they look at. I notice they tend to look in the wrong places and notice only the flirty girls revealing club clothes then they wonder why??? I’m not saying this is you but instead of looking so hard for Mrs. Right maybe you should look for Mrs. Forever. By that I mean make friends with ladies first and move on from there or look in places related to church, volunteerism or activities your enjoy. I’d recommend just taking it easy if something is meant to be it will happen. I say this as a single lady who has come to terms with singleness after stressing over it for many years. Sometimes Mr/Mrs Forever is not easy to find and we have to just give up the search for awhile.
 
The Lord has a plan for you from the beginning. Trust Him in all things, including your desires for your vocation. He has brought you out of darkness and His mercy will follow you all the days of your life. Recovery is a path that has many guideposts and benchmarks. I’ll be praying for you as will all those here on CAF. Put daily prayer and meditation at the top of your list, learn all you can about your beautiful faith and put all your trust in God.:signofcross:
 
Maybe you should read this well-written Catholic book about choosing a good wife:

shop.catholic.com/books-1/chastity/the-abc-s-of-choosing-a-good-wife.html

I read the one for women on choosing a good husband and liked it. Haven’t found a husband to date, but it’s good to have solid knowledge like these books present.

Maybe find a Catholic guy (and/or parish men’s group) to be a mentor both in the chastity struggle and just how to date and meet nice women. There’s so much to learn about dating for both sexes; sometimes I think we all have an awkward 13-year-old inside :o who wonders why it looks so easy for other people! Or what to do in a given situation.

Finally, pray - ask St. Joseph’s intercession, and meditate on Mary - try to be the kind of guy whom your potential wife would appreciate as Mary appreciated Joseph. God bless!
 
Op here

I attempted to reply and my response was lost as I had gotten timed out and had to log back in. I wanted to thank everybody for the support.

I usually avoid clubs and bars unless I am seeing a band or the rare occaison I go dancing as I am keeping my commitment to chastity and sobriety. Most of my life revolves around recovery, church, and service. I don’t usually go looking for dates at meetings because there is massive intolerance towards Catholicism there most of the time and God and his church have done too much for me to go along with that. Besides they say looking for a date in a 12 step environment is like looking for a new car in a junk yard. The last thing I would want to do is relapse with some girl and unleash my dark side I have been moving past. I am very involved in the youth and young adult group at our parish as I am a volunteer adult leader but most of the people there are still in highschool or in their first year if college. We had a very successful passion play last Easter season and I played Christ while I still had long hair. It was great. The young woman who played the blessed virgin was very cool and closer to my age and I had a crush on her for a while but I will never know if she returned my sentiments as since she has blossomed as an actress and musician she stopped coming to our meetings. She still sings at our parish sometimes but I do not think she is interested and rarely even has time to talk. I’ve noticed that there are usually no single people my age at church. Maybe I am ahead the curve as far as giving up the party lifestyle and trying a more ascetic path. I am also very invoked in the k of c but I am the youngest member and it is a men’s chivalric order but it is still good for moral support and fellowship. There was a girl my age at one of our events selling rosaries and I asked her out and she politely declined giving me the excuse that she doesn’t date as she is only interested in the Christian idea of marriage which perplexed me because I at least for me do not intend on marrying a total stranger. Maybe she didn’t know I wanted the same thing or thought it was a polite way of turning me down. I will keep up the prayers. I am enrolled in the brown scapular and the miltia immaculata so I wear a five way I love it and the devotion helps a lot. I also love the rosary and tried to enter the confraternity twice but never received a response. It usually comes as a surprise to most but I am not confirmed. I would like to pursue this sacrament and deepen my relationship with the Lord. I am moving soon and maybe changing parishes so hopefully that will open up new opportunity.
 
You mentioned at the beginning of the thread that you were an “alternative fashion model”. What type of alternative are you talking about? I do find this relevant because there are some alternative lifestyle things that can be somewhat compatible with Catholicism, but still ride a fine line. I myself am lightly involved in the steampunk/goth subculture, and the goth aspect has the potential to make me wary at the events I have attended. One of my troubles with dating is finding someone who understands my idea that goth culture can be compatible with Catholicism in many ways, but who is not going to submit to the nutty things that often happen at these events (I mean, the point of subcultures is that they can be interpreted and twisted by individuals in many directions, which does not make the subculture itself a bad thing, but can skew the attitudes of the participants both positively and negatively). Is your ex involved in a subculture to which you have attached your identity? It can be pretty difficult to break away from it.

Forgive me if I misinterpreted your use of the word “alternative”. If so, totally disregard what I have said.
 
Margarete_Faust said:
You mentioned at the beginning of the thread that you were an “alternative fashion model”. What type of alternative are you talking about? I do find this relevant because there are some alternative lifestyle things that can be somewhat compatible with Catholicism, but still ride a fine line. I myself am lightly involved in the steampunk/goth subculture, and the goth aspect has the potential to make me wary at the events I have attended. One of my troubles with dating is finding someone who understands my idea that goth culture can be compatible with Catholicism in many ways, but who is not going to submit to the nutty things that often happen at these events (I mean, the point of subcultures is that they can be interpreted and twisted by individuals in many directions, which does not make the subculture itself a bad thing, but can skew the attitudes of the participants both positively and negatively). Is your ex involved in a subculture to which you have attached your identity? It can be pretty difficult to break away from it.

Forgive me if I misinterpreted your use of the word “alternative”. If so, totally disregard what I have said.
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I was in the Goth and industrial community for over ten years. It is still a part of me but I rarely go out. My ex is a very popular Dj in the LA scene. We went to burning man together and that’s where everything basically fell apart. Siouxsie is probably my favorite band but lately I’ve been listening to a lot of razed in black, seabound, and Bauhaus. I haven’t gone to any gothic events for a long time especially because I don’t want to see my ex or any of her friends. I still have loose ties to the scene and rarely dress the part but it is still a part of my identity and my experience growing into adulthood.
 
Margarete_Faust said:
You mentioned at the beginning of the thread that you were an “alternative fashion model”. What type of alternative are you talking about? I do find this relevant because there are some alternative lifestyle things that can be somewhat compatible with Catholicism, but still ride a fine line. I myself am lightly involved in the steampunk/goth subculture, and the goth aspect has the potential to make me wary at the events I have attended. One of my troubles with dating is finding someone who understands my idea that goth culture can be compatible with Catholicism in many ways, but who is not going to submit to the nutty things that often happen at these events (I mean, the point of subcultures is that they can be interpreted and twisted by individuals in many directions, which does not make the subculture itself a bad thing, but can skew the attitudes of the participants both positively and negatively). Is your ex involved in a subculture to which you have attached your identity? It can be pretty difficult to break away from it.

Forgive me if I misinterpreted your use of the word “alternative”. If so, totally disregard what I have said.
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I tend to have the same problem and dare I say you are starting to sound cute.
 
The first thought that went through my mind when reading your first post was that it is perhaps not yet time for you to meet someone. It has only been 2 years that you turned the corner from the old lifestyle. (I remember yor thread about the Burning Man and subsequent conversion. Wow.)

Give it time. Take it easy. Go on dates if opportunities arise. I’m sure that the new way of dating as a faithful Catholic is a completely new experience and something to get used to. But when the right girl comes along it will all fall into place and you will feel at home. And who knows, maybe God has some other plans for you. The most important thing now is that you are strong in your faith and comfortable in your own skin. The rest will follow. God bless.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
The first thought that went through my mind when reading your first post was that it is perhaps not yet time for you to meet someone. It has only been 2 years that you turned the corner from the old lifestyle. (I remember yor thread about the Burning Man and subsequent conversion. Wow.)

Give it time. Take it easy. Go on dates if opportunities arise. I’m sure that the new way of dating as a faithful Catholic is a completely new experience and something to get used to. But when the right girl comes along it will all fall into place and you will feel at home. And who knows, maybe God has some other plans for you. The most important thing now is that you are strong in your faith and comfortable in your own skin. The rest will follow. God bless.
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Thank you again for the support. Good to hear from you and thanks for being one of the few that didn’t think I was completely nuts. I for one am sure that the enemy is still working in the world and I am so happy that God took such a negative part of my life and turned it into something good. Happy we’re both still here.
 
PaladinSword said:
Thank you again for the support. Good to hear from you and thanks for being one of the few that didn’t think I was completely nuts. I for one am sure that the enemy is still working in the world and I am so happy that God took such a negative part of my life and turned it into something good. Happy we’re both still here.
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Your story may be a bit intense and has good movie material but you are definitely not nuts LOL. To be honest, I am surprised that there are not more stories such as yours, that more people don’t experience similar things. I have no doubt that evil is at work in the world as it has always been.
 
PaladinSword said:
I tend to have the same problem and dare I say you are starting to sound cute.
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Thanks, but you probably would not think so if you actually met me. I am considered to be a cop-out to real goth culture. My version of goth was a lot of Neo-Victorian-esque outfits that were still mainstream enough to be considered acceptable in my small town. I never changed my hair color, and I am naturally pale by complexion. The goth version of me is just a more dramatic presence of black clothes and a bit heavier eye make-up. 🙂 But I do like electrogoth and industrial metal and progressive metal (which is a bit of a cop-out as well).

But it’s good to know that there are Catholic goths/ goth symphatisers who are serious Catholics. Hang in there and don’t lose that part of your identity that makes you you AND keeps you close to God!
 
Margarete_Faust said:
Thanks, but you probably would not think so if you actually met me. I am considered to be a cop-out to real goth culture. My version of goth was a lot of Neo-Victorian-esque outfits that were still mainstream enough to be considered acceptable in my small town. I never changed my hair color, and I am naturally pale by complexion. The goth version of me is just a more dramatic presence of black clothes and a bit heavier eye make-up. 🙂 But I do like electrogoth and industrial metal and progressive metal (which is a bit of a cop-out as well).

But it’s good to know that there are Catholic goths/ goth symphatisers who are serious Catholics. Hang in there and don’t lose that part of your identity that makes you you AND keeps you close to God!
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Thanks.

There is so much nonsense in the scene about who is a true goth and who is a poseur and who is “gothier than thou”. Forget it don’t pay any attention to that. People that participate in this kind of stuff are destroying what the scene was supposed to be and a lot of them are pretending and peacocking just to get attention. Don’t be ashamed of what you like and identify with just because some individuals don’t think it’s gothic. This is one of the first steps from evolving from a baby bat to a goth to an elder goth. Just because something is popular in the scene doesn’t mean you have to like it either. God bless you for being one of the only faithful catholic gothy types I’ve come across. Since the subculture is intensely inspired by Catholicism there should be more of us.
 
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