Dating & Marriage

[jasphair]

Greetings,

As a single young male in his early 20’s, I often think of the future, of love, of marriage, and all that warm and fuzzy stuff. I can’t seem to help it, so it must be how my Maker wired me! I do not dwell on these things, but thoughts of them do pass through my mind quite frequently.

I’ve had several dating experiences in years past with non-Christians (and myself as a ‘wishy-washy’ Protestant), all of which came to an end, though I believe it has always been for the better, and all part of God’s plan. These relationships had their good things, and their flaws, some of the flaws being sinful in nature, but I’ve since learned from them.

In reflecting on my spiritual life, or lack thereof, I’m feeling more and more drawn towards the Catholic faith. I’ve come to appreciate and adopt many of the conservative views (e.g. pro-life), and am undecided but open to the concept of others (e.g. not using contraception).

I have a few questions to ask of Catholics:

1. Did you meet your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse within the Catholic church? If so, how? I assume you get to know people outside of Mass? Did you meet that person in some sort of fellowship (e.g. scripture studies, community services, etc)? If not, how did you meet him or her, and were you set on dating a Catholic before meeting them? Or, are you with a non-Catholic?
2. Though I have been forgiven of sinful acts in other relationships, and am committed to obedience moving forward, will this hinder my ability to find myself in a Godly relationship with another Catholic? I wouldn’t think I’d be turned down by someone as a result of past sins, as people have recognized that all have sinned, and all are forgiven. I’m always afraid, however, that I’ll totally fall for someone who ends up being very picky, choosing to dismiss me for poor choices I made earlier, despite being renewed and a new creation in Christ.
3. When asking questions such as those above, I’ve always been told not to worry, and to just “trust in God”. This idea, has also gone hand in hand with the idea that if one stops looking for love, “love will find you”. Is there truth to this?

 

[A_R_Smith]

As a fellow single person who is also thinking heavily on the subjects of marriage and starting a family, let me see if I can be of some help.

My answers:

1. Did you meet your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse within the Catholic church? If so, how? I assume you get to know people outside of Mass? Did you meet that person in some sort of fellowship (e.g. scripture studies, community services, etc)? If not, how did you meet him or her, and were you set on dating a Catholic before meeting them? Or, are you with a non-Catholic?

Well, I am currently single. It would depend on the individual’s parish. Some are very close knit and filled to the brim with worthy potential wives or husbands out there. Others are comprised of families or older parishoners with no groups for the Catholic singles in their parish. Time was when a man or woman could simply find a good match in their own parish, but this is a rare occurence now. I wish I had better answers for you, but my advice boils down to this: look everywhere, keep your eyes and heart open.

1. Though I have been forgiven of sinful acts in other relationships, and am committed to obedience moving forward, will this hinder my ability to find myself in a Godly relationship with another Catholic? I wouldn’t think I’d be turned down by someone as a result of past sins, as people have recognized that all have sinned, and all are forgiven. I’m always afraid, however, that I’ll totally fall for someone who ends up being very picky, choosing to dismiss me for poor choices I made earlier, despite being renewed and a new creation in Christ.

*If you are truly repentant this should be no impediment. We all sin, mate, some worse than others. As for falling for someone who turns out to be ‘picky’, the best way to avoid undue awkwardness is to let her know about it **right away ***before your relationship takes that step from friends to potential fiancee. Remember: the best spouses should be best friends first! Get to really know her as a friend. It will also take pressure off of both parties if you are open enough to talk about such sensitive topics with each other. Even if things don’t work out, at least you’ll have taken that step. The first thing I do if I am contemplating wether or not to enter a relationship is to be very blunt: no surprises or unnesescary stress from agonizing over wether or not to tell your dearly beloved about yourself, the good, the bad and the ugly. The respect you will recieve is worth everything!

1. When asking questions such as those above, I’ve always been told not to worry, and to just “trust in God”. This idea, has also gone hand in hand with the idea that if one stops looking for love, “love will find you”. Is there truth to this?

Honestly, I believe that while God will step in, it certainly helps if you take initiative as well. Try to find out what your positive traits are, then work on the areas where you think you need to improve. Don’t try to be a perfectionist: accept that there are things, perhaps crosses, you may never truly overcome, but that your beloved won’t let it stop her from caring for you as deeply as you care for her in return.

 

[AdriannaJean]

Hi Jasphair,

In reflecting on my spiritual life, or lack thereof, I’m feeling more and more drawn towards the Catholic faith. I’ve come to appreciate and adopt many of the conservative views (e.g. pro-life), and am undecided but open to the concept of others (e.g. not using contraception).

Well I am glad that you are being called home! If you have any questions about Church teachings on anything whatsoever myself or most of the people on the forum will be ecstatic to give you a hand!

1. Did you meet your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse within the Catholic church? If so, how? I assume you get to know people outside of Mass? Did you meet that person in some sort of fellowship (e.g. scripture studies, community services, etc)? If not, how did you meet him or her, and were you set on dating a Catholic before meeting them? Or, are you with a non-Catholic?

1. Kind of. My boyfriend and I went to the same Catholic high school. I knew him as a friend for many years before we started dating. Before him, mistakes were made and I was not set on Catholic dating. But after my last breakup I had decided I would only date Christians and preferably Catholics. I have found relationships with non-Christians to be impossible and relationships with non-Catholics to be difficult at the best of times. The only time I would consider dating a Protestant is if they were willing to raise any children Catholic, attend Mass with my family and I and be ok with using NFP. For some people, compromises can be made, but I have just learned that I am not one of those people. I am very blessed to have the boyfriend (and hopefully future husband!) that I do now. But seeing as you are out of school I would suggest getting involved in your local Parish. I don’t know if your diocese has something similar, but mine has a “youth group” called College and Careers aimed at people in their 20s. Volunteering is a great way to meet people. Try your local pro-life society, St. Vincent de Paul or Christian soup kitchen or help to run a youth group for high schoolers.

1. Though I have been forgiven of sinful acts in other relationships, and am committed to obedience moving forward, will this hinder my ability to find myself in a Godly relationship with another Catholic? I wouldn’t think I’d be turned down by someone as a result of past sins, as people have recognized that all have sinned, and all are forgiven. I’m always afraid, however, that I’ll totally fall for someone who ends up being very picky, choosing to dismiss me for poor choices I made earlier, despite being renewed and a new creation in Christ.

It shouldn’t. Some people will be prejudiced, but you can’t help that. A true Catholic will see you as a child of God, flawed just as they themselves are, but who is trying to move forward in the light of Christ. I am a poster child for this. I made mistakes before giving myself back to Christ, and my boyfriend understands this completely. Most people will, but a few won’t.

1. When asking questions such as those above, I’ve always been told not to worry, and to just “trust in God”. This idea, has also gone hand in hand with the idea that if one stops looking for love, “love will find you”. Is there truth to this?

Hahaha, well from my experience, the only time in my life I was set on being single is when my now boyfriend decided to up and kiss me! And see where that’s lead us! But I think it can work either way. Many couples I know have met on the internet and they were most certainly looking for it and they seem to have worked out, but then from my own experience, the best things happen when you least expect them to. I would say go out into the world and do God’s work. You will run into other people doing the same thing and chances are that one of them will ‘click’. But don’t go searching for it, because then you become too single-minded in that task and you forget to spread God’s Love. God will provide.

 

[Liraco]

1. I’m always afraid, however, that I’ll totally fall for someone who ends up being very picky, choosing to dismiss me for poor choices I made earlier, despite being renewed and a new creation in Christ

Then that person is likely not meant for you. I’d think it rather hypocritical to think badly of someone because they sinned. Just hold up a mirror to them. I guess there are people who are offended when called sinners, because they don’t like admitting it.

As the other posters have said, don’t obsess on this. See where things go and don’t push anything, just let it happen. Pray to God to help you on your vocation, and if that’s marriage, then that special girl will be there for you somewhere down the line. Just remember to be chaste on any future relationships (and be clear on that with the girl so you’re both on the same page.) If you don’t have TRUST then that’s not a solid foundation to build on.

 

[jasphair]

Hi all,

Thank you for your warm responses! It’s nice to know when I put myself out there, opportunities will come along, and I more than likely need not worry of being discriminated against because of past mistakes!

I do have another question to ask. I’m currently living at home, but will be moving out next year to another town, anywhere within 10 to 50 miles of where I currently live (with the latter, being a longer commute to work, but closer to the country, which I enjoy). I’m interested in starting RCIA in the fall, however, and obviously trying to network with people and make friends and whatnot. Soooo… do I hook up with my local parish and do RCIA there and try and meet people, knowing I may move up to an hour plus away next year, in an entirely different city with its own parish? Or do I find a parish somewhere between here and there, that way regardless of where I move to, it’s centrally located? Or do I perhaps find a parish where I think I’ll end up living in a year’s time (e.g. the country), and begin RCIA and networking there, with the understanding that I may not for sure end up moving out that way?

 

[Norseman82]

1. Though I have been forgiven of sinful acts in other relationships, and am committed to obedience moving forward, will this hinder my ability to find myself in a Godly relationship with another Catholic? I wouldn’t think I’d be turned down by someone as a result of past sins, as people have recognized that all have sinned, and all are forgiven. I’m always afraid, however, that I’ll totally fall for someone who ends up being very picky, choosing to dismiss me for poor choices I made earlier, despite being renewed and a new creation in Christ.

Maybe. Maybe not. One thing about Catholic teaching that many people (even modern-day Catholics) forget is that forgiveness does not mean that the consequences are taken away. Going to confession does not take away an STD, repair a broken window, or reassemble an aborted baby in a dumpster behing the clinic. Also, just because everyone sins does not mean that everyone’s sins are equal, just like a parking ticket because you don’t get back to an expired meter in time is not the same as robbing a bank.

And how we face the consequences of our actions says a lot about our character.

Past experiences do factor into compatibility - so if someone says “we are not compatible”, how will YOU respond? Will you accept it as a consequence of your actions, or are you going to bully her or shout vile abuse at her like I see some so-called Catholics do on certain compatibility issues? Is that a mark of a repentant person?

A good analogy is that of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Are you going to try to force the situation, or are you going to step back and say “gee, if I try to force myself - a square peg - into a round hole, I could break both, so it is better I find myself a square hole and leave her to the round pegs” (not to mention that there may be some round pegs looking for round holes and may take offense to square pegs stealing or potentially ruining their round holes on them).

 

[sjmb]

I’m so glad you’re joining RCIA!

I would say maybe attend a few different parish’s Masses and figure out which one you feel most at-home in, then base your decision more on that than on the location.

Regarding your questions:

1. My boyfriend of 10 months, who I am very happy with, and I met not while in church but started dating after discovering we were both Catholic and started going to Mass together while just friends. We are so happy together because we immediately started based our relationship on God and voiced to each other that we wished to practice chastity until marriage. It has seen us grow very close!
2. You will be accepted, of course! God forgives you, so because of your coming to Christ, so will your future wife. My boyfriend and I are in the same situation, but reversed: he is a virgin, I am not (but God’s healing forgiveness has brought me very close to Him, and I continue to thank Him for it!). Just ensure that you support each other in staving off lust and being not only abstinent but also chaste. You will be much closer that way!

I was insecure in the past and although I knew I wanted a committed Catholic man, I didn’t hold my standards, and dated many people who were not good for me. When I finally decided to only date a Catholic man and stopped looking (though I was still insecure in this; I thank God He gave me Matt before I faltered in only dating a Catholic man again), Matt just sort of came in to my life.

1. Trust in God, focus on coming closer to Him and growing your most important relationship (the one with Him), and you will meet others doing the same. Matt was always looking for women in the past, he’s told me, and when we stopped looking, God supplied! We’d both been praying about it a lot before meeting, and God in His love answered our prayers with each other. We are very happy, and I think God may want us to marry in a couple of years.

Start showing yourself to be the sort of man Catholic women want (but unfortunately most don’t expect they can get and so lower their standards for men and for themselves). They will see that and be attracted to that sort of relationship, and it will encourage them to raise their standards. When someone you like appears, don’t follow the world-developed style of “courtship” (aka “lack of courtship”). Jason Evert (google him) is a great resource for Catholic dating advice. Matt and I saw him speak together, and it was fantastic, both as an experience and for our relationship.

God Bless, and congratulations on coming to the Faith! There is so much to learn, and the more you commit to and persevere in dwelving into the Faith, the closer you will come to God and the more you will love His Church.

-Sarah

 

[Joe_5859]

Welcome to CAF!

1. Did you meet your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse within the Catholic church? If so, how? I assume you get to know people outside of Mass? Did you meet that person in some sort of fellowship (e.g. scripture studies, community services, etc)? If not, how did you meet him or her, and were you set on dating a Catholic before meeting them? Or, are you with a non-Catholic?

My wife and I went to the same college and both got involved at the University Newman Center (the Catholic group) via their retreat program. I always figured I’d marry a Catholic. In high school, I briefly thought that it didn’t matter as much, but once I got more involved with my faith, I realized it was a non-negotiable for me. The Church’s teachings shape my worldview on the most important questions in life. I can’t imagine sharing a life and raising children with someone who didn’t agree with those same fundamental principles.

Different parishes have different degrees of activities. Some have lots of stuff going on, others do not. But I’m a strong believer that if your parish isn’t doing something you think it should be doing, then that means God is calling on you to do it.

1. Though I have been forgiven of sinful acts in other relationships, and am committed to obedience moving forward, will this hinder my ability to find myself in a Godly relationship with another Catholic? I wouldn’t think I’d be turned down by someone as a result of past sins, as people have recognized that all have sinned, and all are forgiven. I’m always afraid, however, that I’ll totally fall for someone who ends up being very picky, choosing to dismiss me for poor choices I made earlier, despite being renewed and a new creation in Christ.

If someone would turn you down for that, then you’re better off without them! If they cannot forgive you for what God has already forgiven you, then they are not practicing their faith as they ought.

Of course, this doesn’t mean it will be easy. If your past “sinful acts” are of the nature that I suspect, then they can have implications in future relationships. That’s the nature of sin. Even though God forgives the sin, the consequences remain (the technical term is “temporal punishment” and this is what is involved in the Church’s teachings on indulgences and Purgatory…but that’s another topic altogether ). Thus, it can make future relationships more difficult (i.e. you may be more easily tempted to sin again; your future spouse may be ill-at-ease when it becomes obvious you have more “experience” in certain areas; once married and certain behavior is no longer sinful, you may have difficulty getting over the mental block that the behavior still “feels” wrong; etc.)

However (and this is the important part), God will give you the grace to get through it and grow because of it. Difficult does not mean impossible. With God, all things are possible.

1. When asking questions such as those above, I’ve always been told not to worry, and to just “trust in God”. This idea, has also gone hand in hand with the idea that if one stops looking for love, “love will find you”. Is there truth to this?

I think there is definite truth in this. I spent my adolescent life longing for my future spouse to the point of obsession. Every girl I met (whether in my homeroom class or ahead of me in line at McDonald’s) was evaluated in terms of how likely it was that she was “the one.” Once I gave it over to God and stopped looking so hard, I found my wife where I was not looking (I thought she was way out of my league! LOL).

Of course, even then, it took years of friendship before we started dating. When in high school, I was convinced that I would experience love-at-first-sight. I also thought that if I wasn’t married by 20 I would die. Thus, it always weighed on me that I would have to invest so much time into a friendship before I’d get the “payoff” of marriage. In reality, waiting a few years did not kill me. And I still got married before I turned 30.

In response to the RCIA question, I would say that you should talk to the priest at your local parish first and see what he has to say. Perhaps you could start it there and finish at the parish near where you end up. In any case, I would recommend going where you’re comfortable (preferrably a place that will teach you the faith as it ought to be taught!)

I will pray for you!

 

[KathyA]

1. Small town. I met my husband when I was in high school working at our family business. I was not Catholic at the time, although I knew he was Catholic. I had a HUGE crush on him, but he was much older (7 years). Flash forward a few years, I came into the Church when I was 20 and ran into DH on the night I came home to announce my engagement to someone else (the first time I had seen him in 4 years. Long story short, the engagement was broken and I ended up with DH. As a new Catholic my faith was important to me, but I think that God knew that better than I and sent me a wonderful man who is grounded in his faith. I can’t tell you how important our Catholic faith has been in our marriage. It’s the glue.
2. You don’t say what past mistakes you’ve made and you certainly don’t have to. For me, something like being arrested or drug use would be enough to start me running in the opposite direction. That said, I know that people can and DO change. I guess I’d want to take a lot more time to get to know the person to be certain that those changes were permanent. (Also, I work in law enforcement, so I admit that I’m probably more cynical than the average person.)

Regarding RCIA and a possible move…I would say begin attending Mass and meeting people right away. If you end up moving, so be it. You will meet a lot of great people on your journey and they won’t all be from one parish.

Good luck!

Kathy

 

[Rascalking]

I can’t answer question one, but in regards to the past mistakes, look at our church, which is often times a library of sinners.

St. Paul killed Christians left and right.
St. Peter denied Christ three times
St. Augustine had some wild times when he was younger.
King David committed adultery, and argubly murder

Let your past be that my friend. If you find some girl with hang ups over what you did, then move on to the next one-she wasn’t for you anway.

 

[jasphair]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your continued feedback. I’ll detail the ‘sinful acts’ some have been unable to interpret. I started dating at the age of 18, and also became sexually active at this time. I knew it wasn’t right, per my very basic understanding of God’s commandments, but at the same time, being 18 years old, male, having a first girlfriend (and of course, feeling like I was in LOVE with her, (as if I knew what that was!), these sinful encounters continued on for quite a while, and I convinced myself everything was “just fine” and “natural”. It wasn’t as if I declared to God “I know where you stand on this, and I don’t care!” It was more of a “well, I know how you feel about it, but as far as I can tell, I’m in the clear with this girl, so what difference does it make if I wait until our wedding night or not?” As far as I was concerned, we were “practically married”, despite beginning these things fairly early on in the relationship. She, of course, had had many sexual partners before me. She ate of the fruit, and began craving it. I took of the fruit, and also, began to crave it. We later broke up, due to both of us being young, and not knowing what we wanted in life (it took a couple of years for me to finally realize this).

I dated another girl after her and I broke up, which was sexual in nature, and that’s all it pretty much amounted to. I mean, sure, we spent a lot of time together, had fun doing things as an almost atheistic couple, and I had genuine feelings for her, as she did with me. I broke up with her after a year, however, after realizing the relationship had no other substance (and was entirely unhealthy), and after realizing my main priority in life should be God, but understanding that the sexual activities would create a barrier between myself and Him. I’ve since been single, for over a year and a half now (it goes by fast), trying to focus on God and praying he transform me into a respectable and decent young man, and hoping that perhaps, if given another opportunity, I can make the right decisions, and be a real blessing to someone, just as they would be to me.

As for the whole having been sexually active thing… it’s very frustrating. I’ve gone through lengthy guilt trips over it, but luckily, God has allowed me to gain the upper hand on Satan, and he doesn’t bully me about it anymore. What does bother me, however, is my inability to find that closeness again with someone. I think that’s to be expected, because if sex wasn’t enjoyable, people probably wouldn’t procreate as much! I could care less about the physical feelings that come from it, but I long for the intimacy and warm and fuzzies and those sort of things. You know… the things married people are entitled to enjoy! If you eat of the fruit prior to marriage, and then find yourself single for a while, it can be hard to go through that period of drought. All I can rely on is God, to tide me over, and hope that someday a nice Catholic girl can look beyond where I’ve been, and love and have me just as The Lord does.

 

[Norseman82]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your continued feedback. I’ll detail the ‘sinful acts’ some have been unable to interpret. I started dating at the age of 18, and also became sexually active at this time. I knew it wasn’t right, per my very basic understanding of God’s commandments, but at the same time, being 18 years old, male, having a first girlfriend (and of course, feeling like I was in LOVE with her, (as if I knew what that was!), these sinful encounters continued on for quite a while, and I convinced myself everything was “just fine” and “natural”. It wasn’t as if I declared to God “I know where you stand on this, and I don’t care!” It was more of a “well, I know how you feel about it, but as far as I can tell, I’m in the clear with this girl, so what difference does it make if I wait until our wedding night or not?” As far as I was concerned, we were “practically married”, despite beginning these things fairly early on in the relationship. She, of course, had had many sexual partners before me. She ate of the fruit, and began craving it. I took of the fruit, and also, began to crave it. We later broke up, due to both of us being young, and not knowing what we wanted in life (it took a couple of years for me to finally realize this).

I dated another girl after her and I broke up, which was sexual in nature, and that’s all it pretty much amounted to. I mean, sure, we spent a lot of time together, had fun doing things as an almost atheistic couple, and I had genuine feelings for her, as she did with me. I broke up with her after a year, however, after realizing the relationship had no other substance (and was entirely unhealthy), and after realizing my main priority in life should be God, but understanding that the sexual activities would create a barrier between myself and Him. I’ve since been single, for over a year and a half now (it goes by fast), trying to focus on God and praying he transform me into a respectable and decent young man, and hoping that perhaps, if given another opportunity, I can make the right decisions, and be a real blessing to someone, just as they would be to me.

As for the whole having been sexually active thing… it’s very frustrating. I’ve gone through lengthy guilt trips over it, but luckily, God has allowed me to gain the upper hand on Satan, and he doesn’t bully me about it anymore. What does bother me, however, is my inability to find that closeness again with someone. I think that’s to be expected, because if sex wasn’t enjoyable, people probably wouldn’t procreate as much! I could care less about the physical feelings that come from it, but I long for the intimacy and warm and fuzzies and those sort of things. You know… the things married people are entitled to enjoy! If you eat of the fruit prior to marriage, and then find yourself single for a while, it can be hard to go through that period of drought. All I can rely on is God, to tide me over, and hope that someday a nice Catholic girl can look beyond where I’ve been, and love and have me just as The Lord does.

Two other things for you to look at from the perspective of any girl you want to date/marry:

1. If your first fornication partner slept around, you are at an increased risk for STDs. Would you want to give your wife an STD?
2. If the girl is a virgin, please realize that you are “shortchanging” her because she is giving you 100% but you are not able to give that same 100% back, no matter how much you are forgiven or how much of a “new creation” you are. I know some people don’t mind being “shortchanged”, but others do. How you (or anyone) react when someone tells you not to “shortchange” them reveals a lot about one’s character. As an example, read the story of Zacchaeus the tax collector and his repentance.

My advice is that the type of girl who can probably most relate to your struggle would be a girl who herself “ate of the fruit” before its time like you did.

 

[chevalier]

The answer is I’m single, I met none of the ex-girlfriends or could-have-beens in church, which probably explains while none of it ended well. I still have a lot of work to do.

 

[Incomplete]

I met my husband at a wedding. He wasn’t Catholic then, but is now.

When it comes to the RCIA program, it’s a good idea to find out what you can about whatever parish you plan to join. The one I belonged to when my husband joined turned out to have quite a poor RCIA program. (That wasn’t something I took into consideration when joining a parish.) I took it with my husband, and was surprised at the lack of learning. What he knows now he has learned from me.

For the past several years have mostly attended a different parish. The priest there offers a much better program. I know because I took it myself. You come out of that program knowing church teachings before you accept them. In addition, he doesn’t just accept anybody into the Church. He makes sure they have a clear understanding first.

So be cautious when making that decision. You can often tell by homilies what kind of teacher the priest will be.

 

[Norseman82]

Anyway, enough of answering #2; I will also give you my answer to your first quetsion:

1. Did you meet your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse within the Catholic church? If so, how? I assume you get to know people outside of Mass? Did you meet that person in some sort of fellowship (e.g. scripture studies, community services, etc)? If not, how did you meet him or her, and were you set on dating a Catholic before meeting them? Or, are you with a non-Catholic?

The last two girls I’ve gone out with were in fact from Catholic events. The most recent was someone I met at the National Catholic Singles Conference, but even though we never met previously, we recognized each others’ names because we were both in the same Catholic motorcycle rider’s Yahoo group (which, ironically, had its origins in a CAF thread).

 

[Tosk]

1. Did you meet your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse within the Catholic church? If so, how? I assume you get to know people outside of Mass? Did you meet that person in some sort of fellowship (e.g. scripture studies, community services, etc)? If not, how did you meet him or her, and were you set on dating a Catholic before meeting them? Or, are you with a non-Catholic?

My wife and I met on a blind date. She wasn’t catholic at the time but she converted later on.

1. Though I have been forgiven of sinful acts in other relationships, and am committed to obedience moving forward, will this hinder my ability to find myself in a Godly relationship with another Catholic? I wouldn’t think I’d be turned down by someone as a result of past sins, as people have recognized that all have sinned, and all are forgiven. I’m always afraid, however, that I’ll totally fall for someone who ends up being very picky, choosing to dismiss me for poor choices I made earlier, despite being renewed and a new creation in Christ.

It is always better to not have sinned but it is something that you can get past with God’s grace. The odds that you meet someone who has not committed a sexual sin are very slim so I wouldn’t obsess with it or even discuss it while you are dating.

1. When asking questions such as those above, I’ve always been told not to worry, and to just “trust in God”. This idea, has also gone hand in hand with the idea that if one stops looking for love, “love will find you”. Is there truth to this?

I think you have to look and use the gift of discernment to find a good spouse. This is something you should be praying about every day while you are looking. Don’t take a passive view to dating. If you are wanting to date you should be out looking and not waiting for the perfect girl to fall in your lap. Just approach a girl you might be interested in and find some way to introduce yourself for starters.

 

[whatevergirl]

*I agree with Tosk…good advice.

I also agree with Norseman about the square peg in a round hole analogy.

Happy dating, jasphair. *

 

[jasphair]

Two other things for you to look at from the perspective of any girl you want to date/marry:

1. If your first fornication partner slept around, you are at an increased risk for STDs. Would you want to give your wife an STD?
2. If the girl is a virgin, please realize that you are “shortchanging” her because she is giving you 100% but you are not able to give that same 100% back, no matter how much you are forgiven or how much of a “new creation” you are. I know some people don’t mind being “shortchanged”, but others do. How you (or anyone) react when someone tells you not to “shortchange” them reveals a lot about one’s character. As an example, read the story of Zacchaeus the tax collector and his repentance.

My advice is that the type of girl who can probably most relate to your struggle would be a girl who herself “ate of the fruit” before its time like you did.

The “shortchange” concept seems rather harsh. I’d be crushed to be dismissed for this reason, and this reason alone. The mistakes of my past (or this mistake in particular) do not define who I am, do not define my character, do not define my intentions, etc. I mean, if the scenario was flipped around, and I was interested in a girl whom was not a virgin, I wouldn’t feel “shortchanged”, because despite that person’s mistake(s), she may still be a fantastic girl, who has gone leaps and bounds from where she once was, and can have the potential to be a wonderful friend, spouse, and lover. The reasoning for her not being a virgin wouldn’t really matter to me, because that was then, and this is now. You fall down. God picks you back up. You end up being better than before.

I wonder where I’d be now, had I of not become sexually active, not sought repentence, and not been working on a relationship with God? I might just be a happy-go-lucky agnostic or atheist. I might be in some other condition. Who knows.

The “once was lost, but now am found” idea hits home to me, and I’d be touched by someone who has endured the same things.

But, to each his own I suppose…

Maybe. Maybe not. One thing about Catholic teaching that many people (even modern-day Catholics) forget is that forgiveness does not mean that the consequences are taken away. Going to confession does not take away an STD, repair a broken window, or reassemble an aborted baby in a dumpster behing the clinic. Also, just because everyone sins does not mean that everyone’s sins are equal, just like a parking ticket because you don’t get back to an expired meter in time is not the same as robbing a bank.

And how we face the consequences of our actions says a lot about our character.

Past experiences do factor into compatibility - so if someone says “we are not compatible”, how will YOU respond? Will you accept it as a consequence of your actions, or are you going to bully her or shout vile abuse at her like I see some so-called Catholics do on certain compatibility issues? Is that a mark of a repentant person?

A good analogy is that of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Are you going to try to force the situation, or are you going to step back and say “gee, if I try to force myself - a square peg - into a round hole, I could break both, so it is better I find myself a square hole and leave her to the round pegs” (not to mention that there may be some round pegs looking for round holes and may take offense to square pegs stealing or potentially ruining their round holes on them).

If someone says we’re not compatible, for any reason, I accept that. I try and be as much of a gentleman as possible, and am not one to try and push anyone, let alone a female, into doing anything, raising a hand or voice to her, etc. I tend to put women on a platter,. but I think that’s a result of my own upbringing, not that I’m complaining.

In the event someone says “Sorry, I’m saving myself for someone who hasn’t given it away”, I’ll accept that. I can guarantee, however, Satan will use that as much as possible. I’ll feel like the vile scum of the Earth all over again, and we all know how much Satan loves that sort of thing. My entire reason for reaching out to people here in regards to this issue, was to form a consensus of the likelihood of that happening. It seems in most cases, people tend to think most people wouldn’t care. Some people are very particular, but others are not, so long as what’s happened in the past, stays in the past.

 

[jasphair]

My wife and I met on a blind date. She wasn’t catholic at the time but she converted later on.

It is always better to not have sinned but it is something that you can get past with God’s grace. **The odds that you meet someone who has not committed a sexual sin are very slim so I wouldn’t obsess with it or even discuss it while you are dating.
**

I think you have to look and use the gift of discernment to find a good spouse. This is something you should be praying about every day while you are looking. Don’t take a passive view to dating. If you are wanting to date you should be out looking and not waiting for the perfect girl to fall in your lap. Just approach a girl you might be interested in and find some way to introduce yourself for starters.

Hi Tosk,

The subject would come up fairly soon in a relationship, I’m sure, so not discussing isn’t really an option, I don’t think. It seems the general thought here is that befriending potential mates is important. It may be during this stage, that some background information can come to the surface. So… as I’m making friends in the Catholic church, it’s probable the topic of sexuality, chastity, etc, will come up. If I (without going into too much detail) make it known that I’ve “been there, done that” and am now an advocate for waiting, this would hopefully put me in the clear, and obviously this information wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone I might connect with, whom already knows.

 

[Tosk]

Hi Tosk,

The subject would come up fairly soon in a relationship, I’m sure, so not discussing isn’t really an option, I don’t think. It seems the general thought here is that befriending potential mates is important. It may be during this stage, that some background information can come to the surface. So… as I’m making friends in the Catholic church, it’s probable the topic of sexuality, chastity, etc, will come up. If I (without going into too much detail) make it known that I’ve “been there, done that” and am now an advocate for waiting, this would hopefully put me in the clear, and obviously this information wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone I might connect with, whom already knows.

My advice for beating sexual sin is just don’t dwell it and this includes forgiving yourself and moving on. The topic of sexuality and past sin will only come up only if you bring it up and it might be something you want to avoid. Focus on living a chaste life and make sure you are dating someone who wants to do the same. other than that, leave the past were it belongs.