Dating & Marriage

[LittleMother]

If I (without going into too much detail) make it known that I’ve “been there, done that” and am now an advocate for waiting, this would hopefully put me in the clear, and obviously this information wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone I might connect with, whom already knows.

I think this would be a great way to go about it. I can speak from a different perspective here, as someone who saved herself for her husband, and found out when I was engaged about his sordid past. It was not pleasant I knew by my use of reason that this was the past and that he was a different person and I did NOT break it off because I knew that was the truth, but it caused me so much pain and it took a LONG time for me to really process it. I couldn’t seem to not think about the fact that certain situations might remind him of what he saw or felt or did. That those thoughts could be in head whenever . … etc. I know it’s not rational, but it wasn’t willfull either. I am glad to be married to him, he is a wonderful husband, but I still have a hard time some days (we see one woman every so often.)

I was also told as a child that when you physically unite the two become one spiritually, so I thought of him as creating this oneness with his “first” that I could never have with him Also, as far back as I can remember I always wanted to marry someone who waited, so it was a huge disappointment in that way too.

I still think our marriage would be better and my self-esteem would be better if his past were different or maybe even if I had found out differently, that is why I think it’s good to be very upfront.

Sorry for the novel, I just want you to understand that it’s not as simple as that for everyone.

 

[Liraco]

If I (without going into too much detail) make it known that I’ve “been there, done that” and am now an advocate for waiting, this would hopefully put me in the clear, and obviously this information wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone I might connect with, whom already knows.

If you ever also talk to someone else dealing with this kind of problem or thinking “why not?” when it comes to sex, your experience of choosing celibacy despite having “tasted the fruit” will be a much stronger message than that of someone who has always been a virgin (“What do YOU know?”).

Don’t take the negative stuff too harshly. When the subject comes up, your honesty and current attitude will say a lot about you in a good way even when you did bad. We ALL do things we’re not proud of. Your past is important so you don’t repeat the same mistakes, but don’t dwell on it further than that. Now just enjoy the celibate life and you can bet whatever girl you date next will certainly appreciate this “new you”.

LittleMother brings up a possible scenario where insecurities and fear may creep in, but don’t worry about it. Let love overcome it!

Worry not about what the enemy will do to try and bring you down, simply ask God for strength whenever you feel weak or tempted and thank Him every time you feel strong.

I’ll recommend you listen to these talks (free MP3’s) on chastity and even a few recommendations for those who are no longer virgins to let God renew you:
chastity.com/seminars/index.php?id=5

Listen to the “College Presentation” (3rd presentation) and Jason Angelette’s chastity talk (last one). Hope you lean a thing or two. God bless.

(As for RCIA: I think you’d be best looking for a GOOD parish rather than the most convenient one. It’ll be great if it’s both but it’s more important you get good learning because I’ve heard both great things and also “horror stories” about RCIA. Some programs are good and others are not especially if you’re already a Christian. Speak to the pastor of a church near you, and also ask about what would happen if you move, perhaps something can be worked out.)

 

[Joe_5859]

Two other things for you to look at from the perspective of any girl you want to date/marry:

1. If your first fornication partner slept around, you are at an increased risk for STDs. Would you want to give your wife an STD?
2. If the girl is a virgin, please realize that you are “shortchanging” her because she is giving you 100% but you are not able to give that same 100% back, no matter how much you are forgiven or how much of a “new creation” you are. I know some people don’t mind being “shortchanged”, but others do. How you (or anyone) react when someone tells you not to “shortchange” them reveals a lot about one’s character. As an example, read the story of Zacchaeus the tax collector and his repentance.

My advice is that the type of girl who can probably most relate to your struggle would be a girl who herself “ate of the fruit” before its time like you did.

I see what you’re saying, but on the other hand, I also know many happy couples where one of the spouses was sexually active before marriage and the other was not.

 

[whatevergirl]

I see what you’re saying, but on the other hand, I also know many happy couples where one of the spouses was sexually active before marriage and the other was not.

I’m one of them, my dh being the active one prior to marriage. I think that when you love someone, and really want to make a marital commitment, you accept him/her for who he/she is. My husband was living a chaste life the few years prior to meeting me. He had turned over a new leaf by the grace of God. Had he been playing around with women while dating me–no, he wouldn’t have become my husband. HOWEVER, if someone wishes to marry a virgin, and the person not being one, would be a deal breaker so to speak–so be it. That is his/her choice, as well.

 

[Liraco]

Jasphair I do hope you check those MP#s, which reminds me of something VERY important…

Get yourself checked! It may have been a while, you may not have any symptoms, but you put yourself out there to all kinds of things you may not be aware of.

As a courtesy and out of respect for your future wife, make sure you’re “clean” now that you’re clean. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to unknowingly pass anything on to her, so make sure you’re in the clear. Sometimes these things won’t affect you or your wife but could affect your child so… definitely something to consider. Get it done and over-with now, it’ll be the first and last time, I’m sure.

 

[sjmb]

There are some great responses, and I third the notion to listen to those MP3’s. The speaker is very good! I think I saw the same speaker live once. Fantastic.

Anyway, I had one tip that I think is worth mentioning:

As I said earlier, you have to trust in God and pray about this, but when He does, you have an important role: as the man in the possible relationship, you need to do your best to initiate courtship. By this I mean that make sure you actively foster a friendship with the woman you are interested in, and if it seems like she is someone that could possibly be the one and you would like to ask her out, do it right. Society tells us women these days that we need to desperately thrust ourselves at men to attract them and that we need to clamor to beat the other women to “catch” a man. How, well, opposite! Believe me, when a man honors a woman by pursuing HER (not in a creepy, stalker way haha, but by going out of his way to get to know her and showing her that he is pining for her affection and should feel honored), it is a testament to his character and sincerity. Being a gentleman is BEYOND appealing, and refreshing because it is seen often enough. Most all of my friends, from the strongest Catholic ones to the aethiest ones, speak about how nice it is to meet a guy who treats her like a gentleman should.

Take, for example, my friend Lisa. She is a non-practicing Catholic (please say a prayer for her!), and a young man she met at the gym asked her out. She was very excited because he seemed very appealing when she met him, and because he actually called her to ask her out (instead of texting her, since men and women think that’s some how acceptable). However, after the date, she told me it was awful: he texted her to tell her he was at her apartment (he didn’t even come to the door!), he didn’t open the car door for her or the restaurant door or pull back her chair, and he had awful table manners. Afterwards, he suggested hanging out at her place, which she declined, and he texted her two days later about a possible follow up date. Abyssmal, yet very typical!! Christian men should know to expect more, but don’t always (I thought for 3 years that I had to just put up with being treated without respect, until God showed me what a real gentleman is and that I was wrong all along!).

Get to know a woman, let her know she’s wonderful, be a gentleman and ask her out in person, plan the first few dates yourself and have them all planned ahead of time, do all the door opening you can get your hands on, start off focused on Christ right from the start (I was going to Mass with Matt as friends before we began dating), and remember that flowers are always a nice touch .

May God bless you in this, and please let me know if you ever want any tips!
I love these sorts of things, and consider it a service to my fellow woman haha
You are most definitely starting off on the right foot with your heart in the right place (turned to God), and the sort of woman you are looking for will be looking for that.

God Bless,
Sarah