Dating/marriage

[shy1]

I’ve never been on a date before but I have been approached by many guys however I always seem to turn them down. I am in my twenty’s and I’m sort of thinking about starting to date.

I’ve never given practical thought to getting married cause I don’t think I’m being called into that relationship. However I can’t help but think what it feels like being in a married relationship where you share everything(or almost),where you have someone to turn to for help,where you can share your fears and find comfort,where you are just loved for YOU.

So how do you go about dating?(yeah I know I first have to be asked out and so on)
What do you talk about?

For the married folks how did you know your spouse was the right one?

 

[sicutincensum]

So, on a courtship your goal is to find out whether it is the will of God that you may marry that person. However, it’s like eating food: why do you eat food? In order to sustain your body so you can serve God. But… you aren’t always focused on that when you eat. The same applies to the courtship. Most of the time you will be talking about your daily problems, the faith, family issues, etc. In short, it’s like having a friend who is interested in every detail of your life! So, be prepared to show him some pictures of you while a baby

 

[chevalier]

I’ve never given practical thought to getting married cause I don’t think I’m being called into that relationship. However I can’t help but think what it feels like being in a married relationship where you share everything(or almost),where you have someone to turn to for help,where you can share your fears and find comfort,where you are just loved for YOU.

Actually, what you describe can be found in family relationships and friendships.

Marriage also has a lot to do with having children and bringing them up. Ask yourself if this is what you want.

So how do you go about dating?(yeah I know I first have to be asked out and so on)

Actually, the world won’t end if you ask out someone you’re interested in and give him a chance to return that interest. But normally you wouldn’t be doing that.

What do you talk about?

Ideally you don’t have to think about that, the conversation just starts and keeps up naturally. If you really have a connection with somebody, then you don’t need to worry about subjects to talk about and the conversation just goes on on its own. And even if there’s silence, it’s not bad at all.

On the other hand, if you’re looking for safe subjects to discuss over a cup of coffee with someone you barely know but are interested in knowing, then the typical choice would be something personal enough to be relevant but not personal enough to be prying or create an overly serious mood. But the truth is that you and the man you’d date “own” the conversation and you can shape however you want, the way an author shapes a book. And you certainly don’t have to play standard. And don’t be afraid to talk about your interests or ask about somebody’s life goals. Respect sensitive areas and privacy, for example just because someone might be head over heels with love in you doesn’t make it right to ask about really personal stuff right away. Please remember that you don’t only need to make a good impression! You also, even more importantly, need to find someone you’ll be comfortable talking to for the rest of your life. If a man is not compatible with you, you don’t want to make a great impression on him, you want to stop dating him and move on.

If you’re into chess, checkers or any board game, they’re good in removing the pressure to keep talking. Watching a film or theatrical play is similar, and then you have something to discuss afterward.

For the married folks how did you know your spouse was the right one?

The sixth or seventh time they knew it was the right one it actually was.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

So how do you go about dating?(yeah I know I first have to be asked out and so on)

First, you have to be old enough to date. If you’re an adult, you go about your life doing what you enjoy doing, and with any luck you’ll eventually meet someone who shares some of your interests.

If you’re not an adult yet, you need to get the permission of your parent(s) before you start thinking about dating.

And don’t be so sure about waiting to be asked out. In my single days I was the one who did the asking. I can count on one hand the number of times I was asked out my a man. I asked my husband out.

What do you talk about?

There is no dating script you can tap into. You talk about what your interests are. The important thing is to listen to what he has to say and ask him lots of questions. I don’t mean interrogate him, but ask him about his interests, accomplishments, and opinions about things. Generally people enjoy talking about themselves and their views.

For the married folks how did you know your spouse was the right one?

I knew my husband was it when I saw him interacting with his daughters. He’s a magnificent father, and I knew someone so tender and loving was a keeper.

 

[chevalier]

I don’t mean interrogate him, but ask him about his interests, accomplishments, and opinions about things.

Oh yeah, that’s totally not what women do.

Generally people enjoy talk about themselves and their views.

That one, you get 100% right.

 

[shy1]

thanks guys

 

[shy1]

So, on a courtship your goal is to find out whether it is the will of God that you may marry that person. However, it’s like eating food: why do you eat food? In order to sustain your body so you can serve God. But… you aren’t always focused on that when you eat. The same applies to the courtship. Most of the time you will be talking about your daily problems, the faith, family issues, etc. In short, it’s like having a friend who is interested in every detail of your life! So, be prepared to show him some pictures of you while a baby

That’s where I’m a little bit scared in the conversation part like having to talk about my life and so on…and I’m not good at hold conversation.

 

[djforce888]

That’s where I’m a little bit scared in the conversation part like having to talk about my life and so on…and I’m not good at hold conversation.

From a guys perspective just try to relax and have fun. It may take some practice if your not used to holding a conversation, but communication is key for any relationship.

 

[shy1]

From a guys perspective just try to relax and have fun. It may take some practice if your not used to holding a conversation, but communication is key for any relationship.

Thanks I’ll keep that in mind:thumbsup:

 

[chevalier]

Silly thing but make sure your shoes and anything else that’s new or has just been washed or you haven’t worn for a long time is comfortable. (This is what people who perform in public are told, actually, e.g. lawyers before they go to court.)

If this will make you feel better, look up the place online or even visit it before you meet the guy there. Familiarity with the surroundings gives you a boost of confidence and is sometimes helpful for other reasons.

Avoid (like plague) things like strolling down the beach with a handsome stranger at night. Don’t do dangerous things. (And the man you’re with is not the only potential source of danger.) Don’t go to bars or clubs or city parts with a bad reputation. Please don’t misunderstand me. You mustn’t suspect everybody (in fact you shouldn’t be suspecting anyone of anything if you don’t have a good reason, as in some proof) but at the same time you need to protect yourself. If you live in a dangerous area and you’d need to walk alone at night (to or from the date), you might want to get some kind of defence (e.g. gas spray), depending on what’s legal where you live. Better safe than sorry.

You may want to talk to other ladies in your family about their experience and especially on how to know a good guy from a bad guy and how to know the kind of guy you want to run away from. In fact, I’ve sometimes relied on my knowledge of body language, such as spotting a lie or spotting that someone is feeling attracted or repulsed, but I don’t want you to have the impression that you need to read books to start dating. In fact, I remember using interrogation tactics a time or two but you really don’t need to learn that. But seriously, some knowledge of psychology, even superficial, helps. It is very likely that you will meet men who will try to abuse your trust or deceive you, not only those with honest intentions, as well men who are immature and not ready for marriage.

 

[fgh_123]

Silly thing but make sure your shoes and anything else that’s new or has just been washed or you haven’t worn for a long time is comfortable. (This is what people who perform in public are told, actually, e.g. lawyers before they go to court.)

If this will make you feel better, look up the place online or even visit it before you meet the guy there. Familiarity with the surroundings gives you a boost of confidence and is sometimes helpful for other reasons.

Avoid (like plague) things like strolling down the beach with a handsome stranger at night. Don’t do dangerous things. (And the man you’re with is not the only potential source of danger.) Don’t go to bars or clubs or city parts with a bad reputation. Please don’t misunderstand me. You mustn’t suspect everybody (in fact you shouldn’t be suspecting anyone of anything if you don’t have a good reason, as in some proof) but at the same time you need to protect yourself. If you live in a dangerous area and you’d need to walk alone at night (to or from the date), you might want to get some kind of defence (e.g. gas spray), depending on what’s legal where you live. Better safe than sorry.

You may want to talk to other ladies in your family about their experience and especially on how to know a good guy from a bad guy and how to know the kind of guy you want to run away from. In fact, I’ve sometimes relied on my knowledge of body language, such as spotting a lie or spotting that someone is feeling attracted or repulsed, but I don’t want you to have the impression that you need to read books to start dating. In fact, I remember using interrogation tactics a time or two but you really don’t need to learn that. But seriously, some knowledge of psychology, even superficial, helps. It is very likely that you will meet men who will try to abuse your trust or deceive you, not only those with honest intentions, as well men who are immature and not ready for marriage.

Bloody hell! Paranoid much?!

 

[shy1]

chevalier
You seriously had me laughing throughout that post and you offered some practical advise thankyou

 

[chevalier]

Bloody hell! Paranoid much?!

Nope. Just had a relationship with a suffering young lady whose condition made her lie compulsively, had pictures sent from a girl that turned out to be of four distinct women after analysis, met a couple of ladies whose words did not coincide with their deeds (or their previous words), a couple of undecided ones, too, and I know how sexual offenders work (e.g. using charm on a trusting woman to trick her into going to a secluded place, especially after dark). You must know I’m a criminal trial lawyer. I could probably pass for a (cheap) polygraph!

Plus, anyone could use gas spray. I certainly could. I’ve never been in serious hand to hand combat (or any other serious combat, for that matter), unlike dudes who want my wallet. My sword, the one I keep behind my bed, would probably need a permit to carry in public, besides, it’d kill them if it hit a skull or a neck.

chevalier
You seriously had me laughing throughout that post and you offered some practical advise thankyou

My pleasure. Oh, and do be careful if you’re asked out to an Italian restaurant and ordering pasta! You want to stick with penne or tagliatelle rather than spaghetting unless you really know what you’re doing.

 

[SummertimeBlues]

I’ve never been on a date before but I have been approached by many guys however I always seem to turn them down. I am in my twenty’s and I’m sort of thinking about starting to date.

I’ve never given practical thought to getting married cause I don’t think I’m being called into that relationship. However I can’t help but think what it feels like being in a married relationship where you share everything(or almost),where you have someone to turn to for help,where you can share your fears and find comfort,where you are just loved for YOU.

So how do you go about dating?(yeah I know I first have to be asked out and so on)
What do you talk about?

For the married folks how did you know your spouse was the right one?

I’m not married, but I thought I’d offer my thoughts. First, are you in your early twenties, mid twenties, or late twenties? I’m asking, because it makes a difference. If I met a woman in her late twenties and she’s never dated, I’d wonder why that is. If she’s in her early twenties and had just graduated from college, then that would be more reasonable. Also, in terms of what you talk about, it also depends on your age/maturity level/life stage.

My suggestion is to ask your family or good friends to set you up on a date with someone. This way, you can start out easy and stay relatively close to your comfort zone. You’re going to be on a learning curve, so some practice will be needed. You’re not going to meet your future husband on your very first date, most likely not on your second date, either, or the third, or fourth, but once you start to understand what you really want in a spouse, you will find that special someone.

Best of luck, young grasshopper.

 

[1inICXC]

I’ve never been on a date before but I have been approached by many guys however I always seem to turn them down. I am in my twenty’s and I’m sort of thinking about starting to date.

I’ve never given practical thought to getting married cause I don’t think I’m being called into that relationship. However I can’t help but think what it feels like being in a married relationship where you share everything(or almost),where you have someone to turn to for help,where you can share your fears and find comfort,where you are just loved for YOU.

So how do you go about dating?(yeah I know I first have to be asked out and so on)
What do you talk about?

For the married folks how did you know your spouse was the right one?

Marriage MAY be like that but it often isn’t. If you are thinking of what you will GET from a marriage you will be gravely disappointed - as is one of my friends who got married 5 months ago and feels she’s not getting the love and help and attention she thought she would.

Marriage is about how much YOU love, how much YOU can sacrifice, how much YOU can give and how much YOU will dedicate. That’s what YOUR vows speak of and that’s what you will answer for. Sure, you will have many expectations, but if that’s your focus marriage will make you miserable because unfailingly, once you have children, you will feel you are putting much more in it than you are getting out of it. You will be doing more for others than they will for you. If you do it with love and joy, that will return to you, if not, it will make you bitter and resentful. If you want to be serene don’t count the cost.

 

[L_piperatus]

Nope. Just had a relationship with a suffering young lady whose condition made her lie compulsively, had pictures sent from a girl that turned out to be of four distinct women after analysis, met a couple of ladies whose words did not coincide with their deeds (or their previous words), a couple of undecided ones, too, and I know how sexual offenders work (e.g. using charm on a trusting woman to trick her into going to a secluded place, especially after dark). You must know I’m a criminal trial lawyer. I could probably pass for a (cheap) polygraph!

Oh boy! I sort of know what you are talking about, Chev. I’ve had some bad experiences of my own, and since I don’t have a criminal lawyer’s instincts like you or any of the specialized training, now I think I have to go really slow and cautious if I ever want to date again. The dangers are out there.

Sometimes it’s not even that someone deliberately wants to mislead you, but just that they are totally messed up and inconsistent in their lives because that’s the best they can do (and you do not owe them a relationship or a marriage - you better run like hell !!!), or maybe they hold views and have a track record of taking actions that are totally incompatible with observant Catholicism, however they never mention those things during conversation because in their own eyes, their own opinions, positions and actions seem perfectly normal and reasonable - however once you find them out, you will feel your head spinning, and you will be looking for the nearest exit, first painstakingly pretending to* walk non-chalantly* , but then you will be running as if your life depended on it , once you are out of their view and once you thought no one was watching you anymore!

I’m not even sure how to deal with these dangers and they freak me out. The OP will also have to look out - we are living in a very pluralistic society, where people do not necessarily hold views that are close to, or even compatible with, our views. For example, they may have a track record of unrepented pre-marital sex and cohabitation, or they may think that marriage is not a life-time commitment that will only cease with the death of one of the spouses. I guess if you start dating random strangers without some sort of initial triage, your chances of finding a compatible person (marriage material) are very low.

But if you look for dating committed Catholics who attend your parish’s youth group, maybe dating someone you know pretty well already and have a friendship with, or perhaps dating someone who is being recommended by a trusted friend who already knows the character of your prospective blind date pretty well, with such methods you can hope to date people who are supposed to be better compatible with you. And even in such conditions, I will only concede that they are “supposed to be” better compatible with you, because I have experienced some nasty surprises even while dating people whom I knew for a long time, and with people who were regular churchgoers.

 

[Fidelia]

I’ve never been on a date before but I have been approached by many guys however I always seem to turn them down. I am in my twenty’s and I’m sort of thinking about starting to date.

I’ve never given practical thought to getting married cause I don’t think I’m being called into that relationship. However I can’t help but think what it feels like being in a married relationship where you share everything(or almost),where you have someone to turn to for help,where you can share your fears and find comfort,where you are just loved for YOU.

So how do you go about dating?(yeah I know I first have to be asked out and so on)
What do you talk about?

For the married folks how did you know your spouse was the right one?

You say you are starting to think about starting to date, but that you’ve “never given practical thought to getting married cause I don’t think I’m being called into that relationship.” Practical thought about whether you are called to marry should come before planning to start dating.

“Dating” is more appropriately approached as a means of courtship, that is, a process of discernment during which you determine if the person you are seeing will be the one you will marry. (By the point you are in a courtship type of relationship, the intent to eventually marry is presupposed. If you are not certain of a call to marriage, you should probably refrain from courtship.)

Before you start thinking that you “should” be dating someone first think seriously (and pray) about whether you see yourself getting married and having a family. Mainstream culture is obsessed with serial temporary relationships-- don’t fall into that trap. Don’t feel like you should be in a rush. Do not use your peers in mainstream culture as your standard. I am very happy I didn’t, and I’m in my twentys like you.

 

[chevalier]

Oh boy! I sort of know what you are talking about, Chev. I’ve had some bad experiences of my own, and since I don’t have a criminal lawyer’s instincts like you or any of the specialized training, now I think I have to go really slow and cautious if I ever want to date again. The dangers are out there.

It may actually be easier without. Nobody is consistent 100% of the time, people hesitate and behave irrationally as a rule, and if somebody tells you he or she doesn’t want a relationship with you, you’re probably better off not being able to realise the person isn’t telling you the whole truth (or is actually very much attracted to you). Then again, you wouldn’t like to give up knowledge once you have it. But this stuff isn’t necessarily making you a happier person.

I’m not even sure how to deal with these dangers and they freak me out.

Just take precautions and keep an open imagination but steer well clear of cynical generalisations and don’t give in to any fears. You’ll also be surprised by how much goodness, nobility, charity and magnanimity you will find where you aren’t looking.

The OP will also have to look out - we are living in a very pluralistic society, where people do not necessarily hold views that are close to, or even compatible with, our views. For example, they may have a track record of unrepented pre-marital sex and cohabitation, or they may think that marriage is not a life-time commitment that will only cease with the death of one of the spouses. I guess if you start dating random strangers without some sort of initial triage, your chances of finding a compatible person (marriage material) are very low.

We’re probably moving towards arranged marriages. That is, in this case, self-arranged marriages via Catholic (or even not Catholic) dating websites or offline initiatives. The chance that the handsome, pretty, engaging person we’ve just met in typical secular circumstances (other than maybe parties at our Catholic family members’ or friends’) is on the same page with us is low, as you say.

Before you start thinking that you “should” be dating someone first think seriously (and pray) about whether you see yourself getting married and having a family. Mainstream culture is obsessed with serial temporary relationships-- don’t fall into that trap. Don’t feel like you should be in a rush. Do not use your peers in mainstream culture as your standard. I am very happy I didn’t, and I’m in my twentys like you.

Yes, resist the peer pressure! While you need a husband to share your life with (most likely), you don’t need a boyfriend or some other token companion at all times with you. This is actually not as easy as it sounds (it’s hard actually) but it’s the truth. (Forgoing the token companionship is a better choice.) You especially don’t need boyfriends that have little chance of becoming fiancés because you already see a problem with them or you already know you want something different in life. Speaking of which, thinking about what you want in life is actually easier when you are not in a relationship. Besides, being in a lousy relationship may prevent you from being able to react when you meet someone who’d be good for you. So you definitely don’t need a “current incumbent” (a Mr Until-I-Meet-Better). This is what I’m telling myself too. Only get in a relationship when you really know what you’re doing and then only when you’ve met a worthy person. Otherwise friendship and just hanging out as friends are sufficient (they allow you to know a person too, sometimes better than if you were dating).

 

[Fidelia]

Yes, resist the peer pressure! While you need a husband to share your life with (most likely), you don’t need a boyfriend or some other token companion at all times with you. This is actually not as easy as it sounds (it’s hard actually) but it’s the truth. (Forgoing the token companionship is a better choice.) You especially don’t need boyfriends that have little chance of becoming fiancés because you already see a problem with them or you already know you want something different in life. Speaking of which, thinking about what you want in life is actually easier when you are not in a relationship. Besides, being in a lousy relationship may prevent you from being able to react when you meet someone who’d be good for you. So you definitely don’t need a “current incumbent” (a Mr Until-I-Meet-Better). This is what I’m telling myself too. Only get in a relationship when you really know what you’re doing and then only when you’ve met a worthy person. Otherwise friendship and just hanging out as friends are sufficient (they allow you to know a person too, sometimes better than if you were dating).

Very well put!

 

[shy1]

You say you are starting to think about starting to date, but that you’ve “never given practical thought to getting married cause I don’t think I’m being called into that relationship.” Practical thought about whether you are called to marry should come before planning to start dating.

“Dating” is more appropriately approached as a means of courtship, that is, a process of discernment during which you determine if the person you are seeing will be the one you will marry. (By the point you are in a courtship type of relationship, the intent to eventually marry is presupposed. If you are not certain of a call to marriage, you should probably refrain from courtship.)

Before you start thinking that you “should” be dating someone first think seriously (and pray) about whether you see yourself getting married and having a family. Mainstream culture is obsessed with serial temporary relationships-- don’t fall into that trap. Don’t feel like you should be in a rush. Do not use your peers in mainstream culture as your standard. I am very happy I didn’t, and I’m in my twentys like you.

Thank you Fidelia points well taken