Dating/Marrying Someone With Children

[CountrySinger]

Hey!

“Country Singer” (aka: Carrie Underwood wannabee ) is back from the jaunt!!

Welcome “home”!

Thank you for the warm welcome back. . Even though I want to be a mix of Carrie Underwood and Miranda Lambert.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

I agree to an extent with CountrySInger, the trouble isn’t the kids, it’s the ex.

I wouldn’t want all that “Baby Daddy Drama”!

However, it’s important to never say never. There (theoretically) could be an awesome person out there with a great ex, who get along fabulously, and darling children who are open to having a loving “step” parent. Or maybe that’s just a movie.

 

[RachelKH]

i am divorcing a narcissist.
i am 46.
i swim a mile most days i can and run, etc when i can.
i am 5’4", 130some, in good health and decent looking, if you don’t need top heavy.
i have 6 children – oldest son out on his own, second son halfway thru college, daughters 17, 14, 8 and 5 years old. all really intelligent and musically inclined and gifted and good kids, tho my 14yodd is recovering from anorexia. my 8yodd wants to be a nun.
i don’t drink, smoke, swear, watch porn or stuff the Church says i shouldn’t. i love hiking, swimming, walking, music of most kinds, talking and quiet times, keep my big house neat and clean but don’t obsess, love baking and cooking but not a snob, am very strong and independent because i have had to be but would love to have someone to rely on for a little help now and again, love the small town life, really truly love God and my Faith and try to live it. i am almost guaranteed an annulment due to who my husband is. my kids don’t have much to do with their father because he is not really connected with them, so there would be little interference or image holding against a new ‘daddy’. i have a very big heart and need to give love and really don’t know how to not be married, to not have my heart and life shared by another, although i haven’t had it yet – marriage is my true vocation.
so…is there no hope for me to ever share my life with another man as his wife?

 

[dulcissima]

i am divorcing a narcissist.
i am 46.
i swim a mile most days i can and run, etc when i can.
i am 5’4", 130some, in good health and decent looking, if you don’t need top heavy.
i have 6 children – oldest son out on his own, second son halfway thru college, daughters 17, 14, 8 and 5 years old. all really intelligent and musically inclined and gifted and good kids, tho my 14yodd is recovering from anorexia. my 8yodd wants to be a nun.
i don’t drink, smoke, swear, watch porn or stuff the Church says i shouldn’t. i love hiking, swimming, walking, music of most kinds, talking and quiet times, keep my big house neat and clean but don’t obsess, love baking and cooking but not a snob, am very strong and independent because i have had to be but would love to have someone to rely on for a little help now and again, love the small town life, really truly love God and my Faith and try to live it. i am almost guaranteed an annulment due to who my husband is. my kids don’t have much to do with their father because he is not really connected with them, so there would be little interference or image holding against a new ‘daddy’. i have a very big heart and need to give love and really don’t know how to not be married, to not have my heart and life shared by another, although i haven’t had it yet – marriage is my true vocation.
so…is there no hope for me to ever share my life with another man as his wife?

There is hope for you. Wait a couple of years before you start dating though. The annulment process is very helpful in helping you to get your head on straight, as is counseling.

It’s also important to go into dating knowing that you are worth all of the trouble, that a good man would be fortunate to find a good woman like you.

 

[PatriceA]

i am divorcing a narcissist.
i am 46.
i swim a mile most days i can and run, etc when i can.
i am 5’4", 130some, in good health and decent looking, if you don’t need top heavy.
i have 6 children – oldest son out on his own, second son halfway thru college, daughters 17, 14, 8 and 5 years old. all really intelligent and musically inclined and gifted and good kids, tho my 14yodd is recovering from anorexia. my 8yodd wants to be a nun.
i don’t drink, smoke, swear, watch porn or stuff the Church says i shouldn’t. i love hiking, swimming, walking, music of most kinds, talking and quiet times, keep my big house neat and clean but don’t obsess, love baking and cooking but not a snob, am very strong and independent because i have had to be but would love to have someone to rely on for a little help now and again, love the small town life, really truly love God and my Faith and try to live it. i am almost guaranteed an annulment due to who my husband is. my kids don’t have much to do with their father because he is not really connected with them, so there would be little interference or image holding against a new ‘daddy’. i have a very big heart and need to give love and really don’t know how to not be married, to not have my heart and life shared by another, although i haven’t had it yet – marriage is my true vocation.
so…is there no hope for me to ever share my life with another man as his wife?

There is always hope, always.

 

[GraceDK]

I always find this kind of thread rather sad.

Its true that finding a partner who already has a child is not the perfect image, at first sight,
and it surely involves a challenge.
However, as Catholics I suppose we are against abortion, right?

I bet the thought that goes through many young pregnant womens’ minds is:
“If I get this baby, no man will ever love me.” and so they get an abortion.

Should not we as christians realise that perfection only exists in heaven, and be open to the surprises from God? He knows whats good for us. We might also be so stubborn in our perfect expectations that we end up bitter and alone.

Peace and shalom

 

[Catholic90]

Gotta agree with Grace on this.

I am widowed. I have kids. So…I should spend the rest of life alone because someone like countrysinger would be afraid of memories?!?

A woman who chose life over abortion should stay alone?

Hmmmm, many people accuse prolifers of abandoning the woman and child once the child is born…I am really seeing that mentality coming through loud and clear on this thread from those so adamantly against dating those with kids. You might want to think about that and think about what message you are really sending.

 

[Rusyn0802]

Catholic90,

I do not believe anyone is suggesting that you must spend your life alone.

I am the stepfather of two children. I have been confronted with unique challenges. Based on my own experiences I agree with some of the issues that may arise when someone marries a divorced or widowed person with children. But my stepchildren are now adults and I can report that not only did I survive, but that my wife and I are still happily married. Still, I do advocate that the issues presented in earlier posts here be seriously considered. They will affect relationships.

I also believe that the single parent must be aware of the issues that a potential future spouse will face and understand the types of emotions that these issues will arise. Consideration of these issues is the only way you can effectively deal with them together, which will increase the likelihood of maintaining a strong relationship and marriage.

CountrySinger is no doubt aware of a song by Sawyer Brown called “Some Girls Do.” The point of the song is to emphasize that there is someone out there for each and every one of us.

 

[CountrySinger]

CountrySinger is no doubt aware of a song by Sawyer Brown called “Some Girls Do.” The point of the song is to emphasize that there is someone out there for each and every one of us.

I do know that song! I’m overweight, yet I found a boyfriend.

I’m not insulting people with children, I just know that I personally wouldn’t want to date someone who already has them. I tried dating people with children several times, but the mom always got in the way. Or the children didn’t want a stepmother. It is too much drama for me.
We have a right to decide how much drama we want in our romantic relationships. Just like men have a right not to date me because I’m overweight, I have a right to decide I don’t want to date someone with children. Plus, I’m 28, and would want a little time without kids with a boyfriend/husband.

 

[gmarie21]

so…is there no hope for me to ever share my life with another man as his wife?

My mil had 8 children and a man entered her life who grew to be a wonderful second dad to them. My mil and this gentleman never married but ended up growing to be dear friends and do almost everything together. They have their own homes and never even kiss (though I think they did initially the many years ago) but they have a sincere love for each other and take care of each other in good and bad times but never act or do things that a married couple would. Granted they are now older, but they will never abandon each other. Initially there was romance, but she then decided to set a good example for her kids and he never left and was more than willing to go to a platonic friendship. They all call him “papa” as do the grandchildren. He is family, though technically he isn’t by law. My mil felt just as you do (she divorced my late fil because of all the alcohol and physical abuse), wondering who would ever love her when she was poor and had 8 children. Little did she know that she would find someone who not only loved her but also her children and would be elated to have a sister/brother relationship with her because it was with her. So yes, there IS hope!!!

 

[RachelKH]

God bless you for the hope you give me.
It may be a long time from now, but now at least i have hope of a ‘sometime.’
Thank you.

 

[CarrieH]

Since my own childhood, I have always felt that I did not want marriage or children…Women are great. I love them. But they are too much trouble, with or without children.

Well, then, don’t date!

If you are single, how do you feel about dating or marrying someone who already has children?

It depends on the individuals involved – the person, their ex, and everyone’s relationships with the kids and with each other, and also how old the kids are. I did date a divorced man with two children a few years ago, but I don’t think I would do it again. These kids were great, but it was their mother who was the problem. She was one greedy, manipulative, toxic woman, and she liked to use the kids as pawns to get more money than she was entitled to (and she was getting plenty in child support; he made good money at his job). Child support does not mean lazy, crazy ex-wife support! They were in and out of court more times than you can count. She would carry on, acting like the injured party when she was the one who dumped him for some guy she met online. I knew that if I married him, she would be my “ex-wife-in-law” and I couldn’t deal with her OR with the fact that he wouldn’t stand up to her. So I was out of there. No more divorced daddies of underage kids for me, thank you.

 

[Wooly_Wolf]

For me, I would only date a widow with children. I speak from personal experience, my biological father passed away when I was young, and when my mom remarried a few years later, my step dad became my father. I didn’t have a dad and a step dad in my life confusing me about who had the final say and athourity over me. I see this alot with several of my friends whose mothers remarried, where the step dad is always conflicted about their boundries in regards discipline and other matters, and there’s always that emotional wall between them (provided the biological father is active in his childs life). It has caused my friends alot of angst and anger over the years.

 

[1holycatholic]

i am almost guaranteed an annulment due to who my husband is.

Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.

 

[Sierrah]

Well it’s hard to say. Before my last BF I would have said I was open to it but small children take a lot of time away from a relationship. Especially if there’s another parent involved who likes drama. You pretty much end up dating around the kids and what they want to do. I tried it and found it tiring a bit. It didn’t help that the guy really wasn’t commited to the relationship. So my experience wasn’t the best. It might work out better if the guy is actually commited to a relationship instead of just thinking he his.

 

[jenlovesyu]

I always like to see both sides of this kind of spectrum.

As a single mom who was never married, I do not see myself as being unworthy of a husband just because I have a little one to take care of. I made mistakes in my past obviously but I have every intention to live my life for God and that is all that matters in the end. If I never find a guy who will take both me and my son as we are…then oh well…I know Jesus will have us!

On the other hand, I can completely understand why many singles who don’t already have children are cautious of dating single parents. If a man told me he didn’t want to date me because I had a child I wouldn’t hold it against him at all. People are allowed to have their own preferences, especially when it comes to dating. God knows what will work for a particular person.

Each situation is different so I don’t think we should generalize about these kinds of things.

What Grace said is important even if none of the previous posters meant to be “unkind” towards single parents. The mentality that single parents, particularly mothers, are just unwanted, damaged goods still exists. We all ought to be careful with how we word things so we don’t lead someone into thinking that they are unwanted due to the fact that God has blessed them with children

 

[Norseman82]

Gotta agree with Grace on this.

I am widowed. I have kids. So…I should spend the rest of life alone because someone like countrysinger would be afraid of memories?!?

A woman who chose life over abortion should stay alone?

Hmmmm, many people accuse prolifers of abandoning the woman and child once the child is born…I am really seeing that mentality coming through loud and clear on this thread from those so adamantly against dating those with kids. You might want to think about that and think about what message you are really sending.

Maybe it just means that the best match for you would be someone who is widowed with kids of their own - kinda like the Brady Bunch. Two widows might be able to relate to each others’ struggles and pains and have similar issues that they can be more patient with better than say a widow and someone from the 40-year-old virgin demogarphic. Plus, they enter in equally (same for two virgins, two divorcees with annulments, two repentatnt fornicators with kids that resulted from the fornication).

Besides, if I were to enter into such a situation and have to deal with the “you’re not my daddy” snottiness, it might evoke a side of me that I may not like - snapping , “WELL, I AM NOW, SO GET USED TO IT” and that may (or may not, who knows) cause stresses for home life.

 

[hwriggles4]

What about a widow with children? Does that make the situation more acceptable?

I would say dating a widow with children would be different, particularly if the children are younger. My opinion on this is that a potential step-father or step-mother will not have the interruptions of a former spouse, and the children (particularly those under 10) would be more accepting of a step-father or step-mother. There also won’t be the hassle of “my son or daughter has to go with his dad or mom this weekend”.

Another case I think would be different is that of a single parent who has sole custody of their children. The situation is similar to being widowed. A few years ago, I had the priviledge of getting to know a nice single mother (with a well deserved annulment) who had been raising her 7 year old son since he was a year old. To my knowledge, her ex-husband had given up his parental rights. She was definitely a good person (smart, funny, attractive, holy, etc.) , and I enjoyed getting to know her.

 

[aicirt]

If you know you don’t want to be involved with kids, why date someone who has them? It isn’t only the man/woman who’ll suffer over a potential break-up but the kids who have also bonded with you.

I’ve heard many tales of woe over the attempts to blend families. Many of the things they’ve experienced are totally unique to the situation of mine, yours, and ours. The most successful was one woman who waited until her kids were in college before she re-married.

 

[Luvz2travel]

It seems like the dating world is just full of people who already have children. This is true of the younger cohort, and even more so among the older singles.

Since my own childhood, I have always felt that I did not want marriage or children. Nor did I want to be around a woman who had children from a previous relationship

The thrust of this is that I wouldn’t want to marry a woman with children, but on the other hand, I wouldn’t want to marry a woman without children.

Women are great. I love them. But they are too much trouble, with or without children.

I am just one guy, though. Everyone is entitled their own opinion.

If you are single, how do you feel about dating or marrying someone who already has children?

When I was dating I was open to either but found it much easier in the long run if there were no children. I don’t have any of my own but still hope GOD in his mercy will show me a way to make it possible to adopt as I feel a calling to do that in any case the balls is in GODs court on that one.