Dating/Marrying Someone

  • Thread starter Thread starter Lucky_hunter
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
L

Lucky_hunter

Guest
Hello all,

I have been talking to this wonderful girl for a few months now. We get along great and she is an awesome girl. I am 20 and she is almost 18 now.

My problem is her past. She is not a virgin but has only been with one guy and she highly regrets this decision. The more alarming part is she used to cut herself and has some family problems as her parents are divorced along with some other things. She is not Catholic but still believes in God and goes to church when she can.

I have been struggling a lot with how to cope with her past. She wants to wait to have sex again until she is married now so that is great in my eyes. But I don’t want her to hurt herself again. She tells me is been a long time since she has done it and won’t do it again but I am still scared she might. She gets pretty depressed quickly and just the other day she overdosed on some pills because she was not paying attention. She does not eat much at all either.

I know the purpose of dating is to find the person you are going to marry and that is what scares me. How do I cope with her past and trust her that she won’t do it any more? I have talked and talked to her about how she is hurting not only herself but me, other people around her and God as well. I am literally losing sleep about this at night because it is always in the back of my mind.

On a positive note, we are starting to pray together every night over skype before we go to bed. I think this is helping her, along with me, a lot. She loves God and is passionate about Him. I know I am helping her a lot, but I also need to help myself with this issue. Are my concerns too picky and judging of her? Are these legit concerns or am I over thinking this?

I know this is a very complicated and messed up situation but I would really like some guidance and (name removed by moderator)ut from people here.

Please pray for us.
 
Lucky_hunter said:
Hello all,

I have been talking to this wonderful girl for a few months now. We get along great and she is an awesome girl. I am 20 and she is almost 18 now.

My problem is her past. She is not a virgin but has only been with one guy and she highly regrets this decision. The more alarming part is she used to cut herself and has some family problems as her parents are divorced along with some other things. She is not Catholic but still believes in God and goes to church when she can.

I have been struggling a lot with how to cope with her past. She wants to wait to have sex again until she is married now so that is great in my eyes. But I don’t want her to hurt herself again. She tells me is been a long time since she has done it and won’t do it again but I am still scared she might. She gets pretty depressed quickly and just the other day she overdosed on some pills because she was not paying attention. She does not eat much at all either.

I know the purpose of dating is to find the person you are going to marry and that is what scares me. How do I cope with her past and trust her that she won’t do it any more? I have talked and talked to her about how she is hurting not only herself but me, other people around her and God as well. I am literally losing sleep about this at night because it is always in the back of my mind.

On a positive note, we are starting to pray together every night over skype before we go to bed. I think this is helping her, along with me, a lot. She loves God and is passionate about Him. I know I am helping her a lot, but I also need to help myself with this issue. Are my concerns too picky and judging of her? Are these legit concerns or am I over thinking this?

I know this is a very complicated and messed up situation but I would really like some guidance and (name removed by moderator)ut from people here.

Please pray for us.
Click to expand...
You don’t know her in real life, do you?
 
It sounds like there is a lot of something in her past that she should work through with a competent mental-health professional.

We are all broken, some of us more than others, and we are put here on this earth to reflect God’s love to other people, but we cannot give and give and give without receiving anything in return. That is how we burn ourselves out.

You sound like you are doing a pretty good job supporting her. Is she supporting you just as well? This may be what you need to ask yourself. Are you in the relationship just because you feel like you need to help her no matter what? Is she providing you with the kind of relationship that you deserve; one that is mutually supportive? Do you laugh together? Do you have a life outside of the relationship?

It is not your responsibility to fix her, but it can be very hard to build a relationship with someone who deals with untreated depression. If you aren’t certain that she has worked through all of her emotional issues, you really have to seriously discern the next course of action.

Peace
 
You do realize that if she did OD on pills, she would have been admitted to the hospital and probably had a few days of psych evaluations, right? Like, you don’t just OD and nothing comes of it.
 
Stephen_says said:
It sounds like there is a lot of something in her past that she should work through with a competent mental-health professional.

We are all broken, some of us more than others, and we are put here on this earth to reflect God’s love to other people, but we cannot give and give and give without receiving anything in return. That is how we burn ourselves out.

You sound like you are doing a pretty good job supporting her. Is she supporting you just as well? This may be what you need to ask yourself. Are you in the relationship just because you feel like you need to help her no matter what? Is she providing you with the kind of relationship that you deserve; one that is mutually supportive? Do you laugh together? Do you have a life outside of the relationship?

It is not your responsibility to fix her, but it can be very hard to build a relationship with someone who deals with untreated depression. If you aren’t certain that she has worked through all of her emotional issues, you really have to seriously discern the next course of action.

Peace
Click to expand...
I do feel like I am giving a lot more than I am taking. Yes she makes me happy when she is okay. But when she is down, it scares me and takes me down with her. I am giving her 110% of me all the time. No I am not with her just to help her although I would feel terrible to leave her because I don’t know what she would do if I did leave. Yeah we laugh together when we are together but that is not very often because we are very far apart. But we skype a lot as well. I definitely have a life outside the relationship.

I am just very torn because I love her and she knows that but at the same time, I am scared of what she might do in the future even though she promised me she won’t hurt herself any more. Every time we try to talk through something, she gets down and depressed and I have to pull her back up and it takes a toll on me. But when she is fine, life is good for both of us and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Its just extreme opposites.

Thank you for your help.
 
She’s toying with you.

Be very careful. Sounds really unhealthy fro YOU.
 
Lucky_hunter said:
Hello all,

I have been talking to this wonderful girl for a few months now. We get along great and she is an awesome girl. I am 20 and she is almost 18 now.

My problem is her past. She is not a virgin but has only been with one guy and she highly regrets this decision. The more alarming part is she used to cut herself and has some family problems as her parents are divorced along with some other things. She is not Catholic but still believes in God and goes to church when she can.

I have been struggling a lot with how to cope with her past. She wants to wait to have sex again until she is married now so that is great in my eyes. But I don’t want her to hurt herself again. She tells me is been a long time since she has done it and won’t do it again but I am still scared she might. She gets pretty depressed quickly and just the other day she overdosed on some pills because she was not paying attention. She does not eat much at all either.

I know the purpose of dating is to find the person you are going to marry and that is what scares me. How do I cope with her past and trust her that she won’t do it any more? I have talked and talked to her about how she is hurting not only herself but me, other people around her and God as well. I am literally losing sleep about this at night because it is always in the back of my mind.

On a positive note, we are starting to pray together every night over skype before we go to bed. I think this is helping her, along with me, a lot. She loves God and is passionate about Him. I know I am helping her a lot, but I also need to help myself with this issue. Are my concerns too picky and judging of her? Are these legit concerns or am I over thinking this?

I know this is a very complicated and messed up situation but I would really like some guidance and (name removed by moderator)ut from people here.

Please pray for us.
Click to expand...
Hi,

She needs to see a doctor right away for a proper diagnosis. Cutting, depression and weight loss appear to be all connected in her case. Get her to see a doctor. If she has a low income, call around to find a clinic that will charge less due to her having little or no income.

I will pray for you both. Try not to worry. Usually, people who are in this state lack the motivation to help themselves. I suggest you see a therapist as well so as to view the situation properly. Each of us can only do so much.

God bless,
Ed
 
Lucky_hunter said:
I do feel like I am giving a lot more than I am taking. Yes she makes me happy when she is okay. But when she is down, it scares me and takes me down with her. I am giving her 110% of me all the time. No I am not with her just to help her although I would feel terrible to leave her because I don’t know what she would do if I did leave. Yeah we laugh together when we are together but that is not very often because we are very far apart. But we skype a lot as well. I definitely have a life outside the relationship.

I am just very torn because I love her and she knows that but at the same time, I am scared of what she might do in the future even though she promised me she won’t hurt herself any more. Every time we try to talk through something, she gets down and depressed and I have to pull her back up and it takes a toll on me. But when she is fine, life is good for both of us and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Its just extreme opposites.

Thank you for your help.
Click to expand...
If you were married (to somebody else) and had little kids, would you want a woman exactly like your friend babysitting for you?

If not, why have higher standards for a babysitter than you have for your future children’s mother?
 
Xantippe said:
If you were married (to somebody else) and had little kids, would you want a woman exactly like your friend babysitting for you?

If not, why have higher standards for a babysitter than you have for your future children’s mother?
Click to expand...
+1
 
Lucky hunter,

You keep saying that you think you are really helping this girl. Sorry, but the kind of help this girl needs is professional and beyond the capacity of any boyfriend.

This girl is not even 18 and has a history of serious mental illness. This is not a good idea.

If you want to help her, be a friend. Don’t burden her with a romantic relationship that she’s simply not ready for or mature enough to handle. If things don’t work out (and they rarely do when people date at that age) do you want to be the one to trigger more severe mental illness in this poor fragile girl?
 
Ok, I was (and in some cases still am) that girl. Mental illness is a heavy burden, and it’s very probable you’re giving your all and she is barely giving any. She can’t give more, because it’s just gone.

Help her get help. To go see a psychologist or a psychiatrist, a counselor at school/college. Something. You can’t fix her. You can help, I am sure you are helping immensely, but you can’t make it all better. Even if you try it won’t be enough because her brain is working against her. Depression, self-harm, low self esteem-- it is a mental imbalance just as real as a broken arm.

You don’t know that she won’t do it again. She likely will. Even with help there are bad days and times you trip up.

Pray.

I don’t think her mental illness is an automatic veto for dating her. It should be considered if you can deal with it though.
 
underacloud said:
Lucky hunter,

You keep saying that you think you are really helping this girl. Sorry, but the kind of help this girl needs is professional and beyond the capacity of any boyfriend.

This girl is not even 18 and has a history of serious mental illness. This is not a good idea.

If you want to help her, be a friend. Don’t burden her with a romantic relationship that she’s simply not ready for or mature enough to handle. If things don’t work out (and they rarely do when people date at that age) do you want to be the one to trigger more severe mental illness in this poor fragile girl?
Click to expand...
👍
 
on_the_hill said:
Are you sure she’s for real?
Click to expand...
Unfortunately, that was my first thought as well - especially if this relationship is primarily conducted over the Internet. Lots of people play these games, and it seems to not exactly be uncommon with the teenage girl set. The pill thing is what really makes me question it - she “accidentally ODed” and mentioned it to you like it was nothing? That’s a manipulative ploy. Still a cry for help, in its own way, but not one you should be answering.
 
Yes she is for real. But upon further investigation with her father, we believe she lied to me about the cutting as she has no scars anywhere on her body. He dad believes she did this just to get me to commit to her better and for attention. We are not 100% sure on this but I have no reason to not believe him as he was the one who set us up together in the first place. It is a real shame as she really cared for me and I really cared for her deep down even though she manipulated me badly.

Thanks for all the replies guys and gals! I appreciate it.
 
No no. I knew her dad prior to knowing her. Her dad and I are really good friends and that’s how I got to know her. No online matching going on here.
 
So, like, you know she is absolutely real? Also, people can and do cut in places that aren’t seen. My little sister had a friend who cut and you couldn’t see anything unless she wore like, skimpy PJ shorts, not something that daddy would likely notice.

Whatever the case may be, she doesn’t just OD and that’s the end of that and she needs some type of professional mental health assistance. There is NOTHING wrong with seeking treatment for mental illnesses they are just as real and just as damaging as physical illnesses. I know, I went to my psychologist today.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top