Dating One Person vs. Several

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In a previous thread the issue of dating one person versus many arose.
pnewton said:
I would be curious how many people that advocate the theory of dating one person instead of dating several people, are in a situation of dating someone and use this as an excuse to accuse the one who wants to break up with them as being sinful. People in a dating situation often lack the perspective of what is best and confuse it with what they want, even if what they want is a good thing.

If the Catholic Church has not spoken, then one is free to choose, even if that choice hurts. No amount of theology will ever take the pain away from rejection, or make choosing a marriage partner easy.
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So I post a poll asking whether dating one person, the same person who will become your spouse, is better than dating many, none of whom, except maybe one, will become your spouse.
 
I took this to mean dating one person at a time or many at a time, correct me if i am wrong.

I truly believe that you should only date ONE person at any one time, that person may not end up to be your husband or wife but at least by being exclusive you are giving the relationship a good shot.

By dating many people you get to know many people but as you are with more than one person you cannot truly be looking for marriage.

just my 2c
 
I wouldn’t like to vote without stating my definition of dating first.

I don’t believe in dating for a while, then dropping it, then finding another person, then getting back with someone already dropped before, etc etc. That’s something you could rightly call serial dating and that would be wrong.

I don’t believe in making something exclusive out of having a coffee or going to a single event with a person to whom we are attracted. That would be quite limiting and definitely too hasty.

In fact if the relationship bears some marks of “probing”, i.e. people get to know each other, go to places, spend time together and it is obvious there is some attraction as well as some potential, then I still don’t believe it needs to be exclusive.

What is wrong, I believe, is building simultaneous romantic relationships - having several boyfriends or girlfriends, even if they know about each other. That means not just getting to know people, but actually building relationships which are doomed to fail. After all, we can marry only one person. This means all relationships except one will have to be terminated no matter how great they are.

Where people get to know each other, even openly considering whether they are right for each other, even openly admitting their attraction, that is one thing. It’s a transitory situation. When it moves on to reaping the benefits, it stops being clearly transitory. Testing several candidates at one time in order to have more data before making the decision is not an excuse.

Simply put, people should hang out as friends until they are ready for some form of courtship. If you want to call it dating whenever it has some remote romantic potential, then I am all for non-exclusive dating. But if “dating” means a romantic affair, then I am for exclusive dating only.

In practical examples, coffees and dances are for multiple people. Romantic kisses, I-love-you’s, Valentine’s cards or whatever else one does to denote a love affair, those things are for one person at a time, and a person to whom marrying we are open.
 
Hmm… tough call. I don’t believe in having several relationships at the same time - you know, like having an extra potential boyfriend on the backburner in case this one doesn’t work out - I can say that for sure.

Your question is a little tougher. I mean, every time I’ve dated a man, I’ve done so because I though there was potential for marriage. I wouldn’t date a man for fun only - there has to be some long-term potential. However, several months down the road, in my first three relationships, I found serious problems that I’d never be able to live with, and the relationships broke off. I’m on my fourth serious relationship now (I’m 27) and this one looks like the one. Ironically, from the outside, this looks like the least viable relationship, but our values coincide much better than the other ones.

I don’t think it’s wrong of me to be on my fourth boyfriend and not have married the others - they were certainly wrong for me. However, there was no harm in making the attempt - I learned a lot from those experiences. I certainly wouldn’t say that everybody should marry the first person they date. But ideally, you only date people you’re serious about, and the reason you break it off is that you discover that marriage wouldn’t work out after all.

So I still don’t know how to vote in your poll.
 
I’m not terribly sure about what you are asking. I married the only person I ever dated. In hindsight, that was a terrible thing to do. I was too forgiving of too many problem behaviors when I was dating him. I think had I had more experience, I would have realized that in a normal healthy relationship, I shouldn’t have been putting up with so much.

I think it is a good idea to date a few people so that you have that right perspective. I’m not talking about being loose, more like just interacting in a potentially romantic situation with a variety of different people, so that you get some experience and perspective.

Then when you are ready for real romance, that would be with one person with whom you had the intention of discerning marriage with.
 
In my mom’s generation, women went out with one guy on Friday and another on Saturday. People did not get exclusive right away. I like that idea.
 
The poll is a little ambiguous. What do you mean by “dating”? Does going out with someone just once count as “dating”? Or are you talking about exclusive relationships?
 
Miss Manners and my GM agree that in the old days dating many people was the norm and dating did not make two people a couple.
GM says “going steady”, meaning exclusivity and seeing each other often, was disreputable and implied you were up to something you shouldn’t be.
I believe in at least a year’s engagement following at least a year’s serious courtship (an intensive interview/reference-checking process) of at least to candidates for engagement, following at least a year’s multiple-dating, following at least a year’s multiple-group-dating, all with the intent of finding a spouse. This is after at least a year’s self-discovery after getting out of the parental home or at least spending weekends and summers at a friend’s place, while working part-time and making major choices such as whether to stay in school or not, for yourself. I don’t believe in eternal adolescence but I do believe in taking time to learn who you are before doing anything irrevocable. And then take time to learn who and what is out there and then take time to learn more about a few short-list candidates, and then learn all you can about your favorite before signing on. It seems only sensible.
 
Except for a couple one time dates I only dated my hubby and married right after highschool. I never dated anyone while dating him. I love that he was my only serious relationship and have no regrets what-so-ever. For the record we’ve been married 17 years.❤️
 
I guess it’s a tough poll… I can’t vote… it really depends on each particular person and situation…

My husband was my first real boyfriend (outside of the classic middle and high school experiences)… but he had serious girlfriends before me (he’s also much older than me)…

For him… they were just never RIGHT before… and I just happened to luck out and find Mr. RIGHT the first time!

It’s either right, or it’s not… the quantity of people you date before isn’t really that important.
 
I voted for many but it all depends doesn’t it? I mean if a person starts dating someone, who just happens to be the person you are called to marry that’s great!

However if you are like most people, God may not bring that person into your life. If you don’t date you may not be able to tell who God wants you to spend the rest of your life with.

Can arranged marriages work? Sure but that’s not the societal norm and many people, if forced down that route would probably feel cheated every time they hit a bump in the road with today’s culture.

Joe
 
KCT said:
In my mom’s generation, women went out with one guy on Friday and another on Saturday. People did not get exclusive right away. I like that idea.
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I do too. I just don’t like it when people go all the way and it starts becoming openly or even physically romantic. I find the very idea shocking that people would kiss with one person on Monday, another on Tuesday and so on. And I don’t mean the friendly cheek pecks here.

For the record, I still haven’t voted.
 
I brought this up to Debbie (wife) tonight at supper. No kidding.

“Look here, they gotta poll goin on the Catholic Forum I hang out wanting to know if it’s better to date around and see different guys often, and not get serious to your sure you find the right guy”

“Do what? Well how ya find that guy without shopping around?”

“Well I dunno, they ain’t said yet”

“Well it depends on how many calls a girl is gets. Yanno, you’ve been actin kinda weird since you joined the Catholic forum, whatever happend to those motorcycle forums you use to post on?”

“On the motocycle sites they just tawk about oil, tires and stuff like that, but on CAF you’re subject to hear anything. Heck, in the few months I’ve been on there I’ve read about all kinds of stuff. Politics, Church doctrine, and one time this couple even came on there and started posting back and forth like divorce court, it was awesome.”

“you have too much time on your hands since ya retired”

“so back to the question, which is better?”

“I’d say dating around”

“well that ain’t what ya did with ME! I was the first serious relationship you ever had, and ya married me”

“yeah but I had several casual ones, but you know all that, we’ve been married 32 years silly, but if I recall you had 3 serious relationships before me”

“yeah, but they don’t count”

“really? Why not?”

“Because I *knew *I was never gonna marry one, but with you I didn’t know that.”

So anyway, I voted ya need to date around.
 
I voted one person is better, but allow me to explain.

Ideally, wouldn’t such be the case? That everything you would ever give to someone in a relationship would be to that one person you would share everything with for the rest of your lives together? Of course this isn’t always the case, and you must be careful in discerning if that one person you’ve ever seriously, romantically dated is “the one,” but I sincerely believe that it is a blessing to be able to date just one person.
 
Why does one date at all, if not to find a person to live a monogamous marriage with?

If one is not ready for marriage, one should not use the other to fulfill one’s emotional needs; if one is not sure that the other is a suitable mate, one should stop dating the other altogether.

The way to heaven is through a narrow gate.

:blessyou:
 
I dated quite a bit in senior yr of high school, and throughout college–and some were ‘serious,’ where possibly had I been older, maybe I could have been thinking about marriage. But, most of my ‘relationships’ were friendships, that turned into more romantic flings here and there. I honestly can say, that by the time I met my husband, I knew what I didn’t want, and realized he was the one pretty quickly, and he is 10 yrs my senior, so he knew I was ‘the’ one. I don’t see any problems with dating…going dancing with someone, or out for a bite to eat with someone. I don’t believe in stringing men along that you have no intentions of becoming serious with–or dating several men, to see who’s best, like The Bachelor show. But, I think that dating different people can help a person decide likes and dislikes, and how to interact in these types of situations. Just my two cents.
 
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