Dating Outside Your Race

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What is the nicest way to tell your parents to chill? My parents are not necessarily racist. I understand my father does not want me to be ignorant about marrying/dating outside my race and all the possible problems that will come with it. I am at the point, I want him to shut up. My father hates ignorance the most. He is very into being honest. I can be draining hearing all the possible negatives of it. Blah, blah, blah. What is his point? I am going to date him anyways. I guess I should do the safe thing, I date whom he feels is right. Someone within my culture because well in the long-run it will be easier. I understand it his job as a parent to tell me the truth and what he feels.
On paper the perfect man would be the same race and culture as me, older than me because older men are generally wiser, same religion and set of beliefs, same socioeconomic class. For whatever reason, that is just not what I want. Maybe I became too American, I do not see love and marriage the same way my father does. In the end, the perfect man would be right for me. Why do I find myself chasing American men then?
It is that fact we are different that makes me want them more. Is it taboo? Is it because I do not want to date someone who is “right” for me?
 
No matter what race a potential mate might be, marrying someone merely to be different or for excitement is not a wise thing to do. Remember, you’ll have to live with this person day in and day out, when he’s boring as well as when he’s exciting, no matter his bad habits or whatever else might bug you. If he doesn’t respect you now, he never will–that’s a huge red flag.

You’ll want a stable home life, even if you live in a tent in the wilderness or in a cookie-cutter house in the suburbs. What is important is that you are compatible and that you treat each other with dignity and respect. If all that is in place, you are good to go. If not, you may date whomever you please, but marry someone who will be there for you when the going gets tough. One who will cherish you and treat you like the child of God you are. 🙂
 
CRATUS said:
On paper the perfect man would be the same race and culture as me, older than me because older men are generally wiser, same religion and set of beliefs, same socioeconomic class. For whatever reason, that is just not what I want. Maybe I became too American, I do not see love and marriage the same way my father does. In the end, the perfect man would be right for me. Why do I find myself chasing American men then?
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I find this part of you question so interesting and humorous.

America has always been a place where peoples of all different races and cultures have come. They haven’t always gotten along, but they all came here - some by choice, some not.

So to put “American men” as a race seems quite interesting - as if American men are some homogeneous group.

But if you mean that American culture is different than the one your parents came from seems quite understandable. But I would seem that if you live in America - then even dating someone from your “ethnic” group would have you finding someone who has a lot of that same American culture.

Now, if you are living in your parents’ country, and you have occasion to interact with Americans, that might be a different issue.

But I would tell you to listen to your parents’ concerns. But ultimately it is you who must choose the person you will build a future with. As long as you don’t choose to spite your parents or to teach them a lesson, you’ll be fine. So do try to understand your own motives.
 
How old are you?

You father loves you. He’s showing it the only way he knows how. He’s from a totally different time and place. You seem to like to argue. Maybe that is fueling this? Something to think about.
Anyway…
As Della rightly points out…the right guy is the one who won’t dump you when the going gets rough. Who will respect your own culture as well as his. Who will be compatible in beliefs and morals. Who will be on the same page with you when raising children. One of the most regrettable things about divorce, is that many people don’t clearly understand that having kids is a livelong tie. You will be that person who fathered your kids for a minimum of 18 years. Then, you will still be around them from time to time…at weddings, family gatherings, sharing holidays, etc.

Your dad is pointing out that it’s not a simple decision. Maybe he is prejudiced, I don’t know. It does sound like he’s trying to spare you some mistakes in assuming that everyone in every race is a good guy. That has to be discerned on an individual basis. Has nothing to do with race. Don’t make it about race. Make is about character.
 
pianistclare said:
How old are you?

You father loves you. He’s showing it the only way he knows how. He’s from a totally different time and place. You seem to like to argue. Maybe that is fueling this? Something to think about.
Anyway…
As Della rightly points out…the right guy is the one who won’t dump you when the going gets rough. Who will respect your own culture as well as his. Who will be compatible in beliefs and morals. Who will be on the same page with you when raising children. One of the most regrettable things about divorce, is that many people don’t clearly understand that having kids is a livelong tie. You will be that person who fathered your kids for a minimum of 18 years. Then, you will still be around them from time to time…at weddings, family gatherings, sharing holidays, etc.

Your dad is pointing out that it’s not a simple decision. Maybe he is prejudiced, I don’t know. It does sound like he’s trying to spare you some mistakes in assuming that everyone in every race is a good guy. That has to be discerned on an individual basis. Has nothing to do with race. Don’t make it about race. Make is about character.
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I guess. Maybe I do like to argue.
 
CRATUS said:
What is the nicest way to tell your parents to chill? My parents are not necessarily racist. I understand my father does not want me to be ignorant about marrying/dating outside my race and all the possible problems that will come with it. I am at the point, I want him to shut up. My father hates ignorance the most. He is very into being honest. I can be draining hearing all the possible negatives of it. Blah, blah, blah. What is his point? I am going to date him anyways. I guess I should do the safe thing, I date whom he feels is right. Someone within my culture because well in the long-run it will be easier. I understand it his job as a parent to tell me the truth and what he feels.
On paper the perfect man would be the same race and culture as me, older than me because older men are generally wiser, same religion and set of beliefs, same socioeconomic class. For whatever reason, that is just not what I want. Maybe I became too American, I do not see love and marriage the same way my father does. In the end, the perfect man would be right for me. Why do I find myself chasing American men then?
It is that fact we are different that makes me want them more. Is it taboo? Is it because I do not want to date someone who is “right” for me?
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First of all no one is perfect except Christ and his Mother. So if you are searching for a perfect guy you wont find him till you are dead and only if you make it to heaven…So quit looking. You will get it later if you deserve it! 👍

Second I married outside my race and outside my culture. Beware what you ask for. It takes a special kind of person to be able to accomplish this and make it successful. Here are some of my experiences…

1.Be prepared to be in a room (infinity) with people who don’t speak to you and if they do you cant understand them.
2. Be prepared to attend functions where people will stare at you like you are nutz
3. Be prepared for racism or bigotry from the others own people
4. Cultural differences at first are exotic and new…the eventually devolve.
5. Be prepared to be constantly stereotyped
5 Be prepared to never have a fruitful conversation with inlaws (still not sure if I like this or not)
6. BE prepared for mixed kids…may not seem important but it is as they may not be accepted by either culture
7. trying to retain traditions of the culture for the kids is huge and they may reject them…this is devastating btw

and I could like tons more.

My biggest concern isn’t so much my kids dating a race I prefer My biggest concern now is that my kids will find a Catholic…It is literally my biggest fear that they don’t.
 
There are Catholics in all races! The key is finding someone who shares your values and who you can envision creating a mutually satisfying and holy shared life with. Skin colour is irrelevant.
 
In the end you are going to do, what you are going to do, but do consider what your father says, and realize that he is probably saying it out of love rather than a desire to put the thumb screws on you.

One issue about the “American” idea of marriage…people who marry primarily for romantic, starry eyed love…sometimes think that when that starry eyed love cools down…it’s time to divorce and look for the next “true love/soulmate”.

I do NOT think that all or most Americans really do or think that but SO many movies perpetuate that. My friends in other countries say that they thought that pretty much that is the American way. Fall madly in love with the wrong person, determine that love is enough to make it through anything, find out it’s not, and find another wrong person to fall madly in love with.

So, maybe your dad sees those same movies and wants better for you. And truth is, the points he brings up are valid. Also, where do you live? Big cities, people are usually more accustomed to mixed race matches and it’s no big deal, and sometimes people move to those areas to benefit from the more cosmopolitan attitudes.

Love can go a long way, especially if it is not just romantic love, but also deeper love for the partner AND oneself. Also, does the person believe in marriage as an institution and respect it. You can love another person, but if they are take it or leave it when it comes to marriage, dont’ believe that marriage itself has value…then they are less likely to fight for the marriage when things get messy.

I say the same things to people who are considering to marry someone of a different faith, very different economic levels, or education levels. SEEMS like those things shouldn’t be a big deal, love conquers all right? Love conquers more when both people love and respect the institution of marriage as much as they love and respect one another.

There are differences in culture and expectations that no matter how much we love, we cannot will away.
 
CRATUS said:
older than me because older men are generally wiser,
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:eek:

By the time someone is 25 (man or woman) if they have not grown up, they never will. Not to mention, an older wiser man probably wants an older wiser woman
 
People need to get over the interracial thing. While I get that cultural differences can be challenging, it IS entirely possible that people of different ethnicities have had a ver similar upbringing and similar values. But if a person excludes someone from the beginning just based on race, he or she might never realize that they are actually compatible.
 
Well, I am Mexican American and while I have only dated Mexican and Mexican American girls, I would date outside my race. I love women of ALL races. If there were blue and purple women, I bet I would be attracted to them too. My mother married a Japanese American man and the current trend in my family seems to be marrying whites. Though that makes sense because though we are Mexican American, we are very much “Americanized” and have been for several generations. So, it is not like it was really such a big cultural difference.

Depending how old you are, I would just tell my parents that you appreciate their advice but are going to date who you want. If you are a minor, just smile and nod I guess. As long as he is a good guy, who cares about race? American is not even a race. We are so mixed it is not even funny.
 
Yes, I agree with your dad-you should date within in your race–

You know- the human race. 😃

You should not base your actions regarding dating or anythong else based on what others see as a probem, as long as it is inline with church teaching.If someone sees racial diversIty as a problem, they are racist or have a racial phobia or live by steroetypes.If this mindset is based on preseving culture-each partner brings part of their culture to the relationship and it becomes richer.

If a person is truly Catholic, they will be loving and accepting to all, as Jesus’ example teaches us.
 
I’m African American, and am aware that for many ethnic groups that are well-represented among Catholics, we are the Voldemort of interracial dating.

😃

As in parents will tell their kids, “You can bring home anything BUT…”

Now, trust me: there are cases on the other side too. Some African American parents will say, “Anything BUT (usually those of European descent)…” For others, there may be a same race, different ethnicity that is the “Voldemort”…sometimes it’s American-born versus native xyz-born…there are so many variations on what the OP mentioned.

Bottom line: If you come from a background where you do not have to think every single day about how you are different from a majority population (usually one with more power, on the whole, than your own) and you marry someone from a group that does have to do this, you and your children may face challenges that you wouldn’t face if you married someone from the same majority group as yourself. If you are in a minority group and you marry someone from the majority group in power where you are OR another minority group, you may face questions and scrutiny on both sides. The whole majority/minority divide counts for a number of things: race, ethnicity, language, urban/suburban versus rural, native-born versus immigrant family, etc.

At the end of the day, however, the additional “challenges” are difficult to quantify. You may end up with a same-race mother-in-law who thinks you and your children are lower than dirt because of your father’s income level (too low OR too high) or a different race one who treats you like her own son or daughter from day one. You may live in a community where your mono-racial family is constantly stared at and ridiculed due to misunderstood behavior caused by a child’s developmental disability…or you may live in an accepting and diverse community that generally treats your mixed race children like any others. I understand where parents are coming from when they try to tell their children that they need consider the possibility of a rockier road. Often, they do mean well.

If you think that God may be calling you to a vocation with a man of a different race or ethnic background, discern that relationship. Do not think of it as a situation where you can just go back to the man store and get one in a color that more people find pleasing…focus on what God may be calling you to with this one. If it becomes apparent that the challenges are unsurmountable, then cue Elsa. But unless that is the case: pray…trust…listen.

Praying for you, the man in question and your family, OP!
 
iwillrisenow said:
I’m African American, and am aware that for many ethnic groups that are well-represented among Catholics, we are the Voldemort of interracial dating.

😃

As in parents will tell their kids, “You can bring home anything BUT…”

Now, trust me: there are cases on the other side too. Some African American parents will say, “Anything BUT (usually those of European descent)…” For others, there may be a same race, different ethnicity that is the “Voldemort”…sometimes it’s American-born versus native xyz-born…there are so many variations on what the OP mentioned.

Bottom line: If you come from a background where you do not have to think every single day about how you are different from a majority population (usually one with more power, on the whole, than your own) and you marry someone from a group that does have to do this, you and your children may face challenges that you wouldn’t face if you married someone from the same majority group as yourself. If you are in a minority group and you marry someone from the majority group in power where you are OR another minority group, you may face questions and scrutiny on both sides. The whole majority/minority divide counts for a number of things: race, ethnicity, language, urban/suburban versus rural, native-born versus immigrant family, etc.

At the end of the day, however, the additional “challenges” are difficult to quantify. You may end up with a same-race mother-in-law who thinks you and your children are lower than dirt because of your father’s income level (too low OR too high) or a different race one who treats you like her own son or daughter from day one. You may live in a community where your mono-racial family is constantly stared at and ridiculed due to misunderstood behavior caused by a child’s developmental disability…or you may live in an accepting and diverse community that generally treats your mixed race children like any others. I understand where parents are coming from when they try to tell their children that they need consider the possibility of a rockier road. Often, they do mean well.

If you think that God may be calling you to a vocation with a man of a different race or ethnic background, discern that relationship. Do not think of it as a situation where you can just go back to the man store and get one in a color that more people find pleasing…focus on what God may be calling you to with this one. If it becomes apparent that the challenges are unsurmountable, then cue Elsa. But unless that is the case: pray…trust…listen.

Praying for you, the man in question and your family, OP!
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Well said: see people as individuals FIRST, not representatives of the entire race. And even within the black race and African-Americans specifically, there are differences in culture.
 
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