If the end goal is marriage, then I offer the following, based on experience and what I was taught in Catholic school.
- Guys prefer attractive girls. So, you can ask if she would like to go out with you. If she says yes, pick a place like a restaurant (doesn’t have to be fancy, but nice) to talk over dinner.
- Depending on how much or how little you know each other, just have fun chatting. I usually include questions like, “How are things going at work or school,” I tell her a little about me and my family. And I usually bring up a question or two that is on my mind, like “What do you think about this?” It could be anything.
- As you talk, you’ll pick up clues like “she’s nice or kind of self-absorbed,” “she does or does not have a sense of humor,” and “she’s easy to talk to or kind of quiet and reserved.”
- If both of you had a good time talking and maybe even laughing about a few things, then there’s potential. She might say, “Let’s do this again,” or “I really enjoyed talking to you. It was fun. Call me.” And you can say the same.
If the dating continues, just be honest and open toward each other. Ask her what she’d like her future to be like. She might mention getting a certain job or even that she’d like to get married one day. If she mentions marriage, you can casually say, “Yeah, me too.”
THERE IS NO QUICK WAY TO DO THIS.
Once you find that you enjoy each other’s company then you begin to earn each other’s trust. That is SO important in ANY relationship. You become friends.
NOTE: After you get married, MOST of your time will not be spent in the sack. Nowadays, both spouses need to work. And don’t blow big money on a big wedding with an expensive honeymoon. More on that later.
Once both of you decide that you might be compatible enough to be married, then you enter the courtship phase. You should meet her family and she should meet yours. After all, they
may be your future in-laws. And having that relationship means a lot.
Finally, if you’re both willing, sit down with her mom or dad and say, “I want to marry your daughter.” Now they were your age once. They get it. Usually, you will get all the practical questions. Dad knows his daughter is a babe - he knows what that feels like. He ask things like, “So, where are you going to live?” Transportation? Do you have cars in good working order or are you driving a clunker that is bleeding you of cash? Have you saved any money? He might be concerned if you’re a smoker, heavy drinker, addicted to gambling or seem not very ambitious. It’s not about hurting your feelings, but making sure his daughter ends up with a guy who’s ready to take up the responsibilities of married life and shows that you are ready and know what’s ahead.
Then the engagement period starts. MAKE SURE YOU ASK HE WHAT SHE EXPECTS FROM MARRIED LIFE !! Kids? A lot of stuff? A big house?
My last girlfriend was a total doll. While we were talking about getting married, I asked her what she expected. She had a list. Not a physical list, but it all came out.
A big house in a very expensive part of town.
Money for clothes and jewelry (trust me, she had great taste in both).
Money for trips. You know, flying here or there.
I thought she came from a lower middle-class background like me. Uh, uh. If I was taking home, or we were taking home, $200K a year, it might have worked. And I could tell, right then, that she would be
VERY unhappy if I could not provide her with all of the above.
I broke it off. She moved. Quickly found another guy and got married.
Then there’s the spiritual side which is very, very important. Are the two of you on the same page regarding your faith? Go to a priest - both of you. Make an appointment even if there are no obvious issues. It will not be good for your marriage if you find out, after the fact, that she’s for something the Church clearly teaches is wrong.
Lastly, you will spend whatever free time you have with each other. You need that. Promise each other that you will talk, honestly, about any annoying habits or other issues that you have with each other. That kind of honest communication will get you through the rough spots, and there will be rough spots. I have a friend who’s married to a total doll and I’ve known them for a long time. His wife is a good friend of mine. Even though they had one child, who’s now grown, they’ve had to deal with personal issues and in-law issues. Fortunately, their daughter has not gotten into dope or booze or minor criminal activity.
Life will have its ups and downs. Plan for what you’d do if you lost your job. Having a little money on the side is always good. Or if one of you gets sick, make sure you’ve got insurance. It’s OK to have some nice things, or some really nice things, but try to live within your means. It seems money causes more problems than it’s worth. If you can’t afford it, either start saving for it, or find a way to make a little extra cash. Don’t get to the point where you’re yelling at each other about the bills. Budget your money. Set aside the money you need for the basics, and set aside any that’s left over for some fun stuff. Fun is good, but not laying in bed wondering how you’re going to pay your bills. Saving up for something is better than putting it on your credit card and paying 18%.
Married life is joyful, but even for those who are not married, we still have relationships that can have ups and downs, but if you’re really friends, you find a way to work it out.
Hope this helps,
Ed
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