Dating practicing Catholic women

[LaughingBoy1503]

Lol, I’m sorry. Here, let me try better…

Catholic women often share your feelings regarding Catholic guys. Discernment is crucial and it is discernment that leads Catholics in general to wonder about their vocation, if this person they’re dating is the one they’re meant to marry, etc.

I’m always discerning. I’ve been through an annulment and I would like a real Catholic marriage with the right guy.

So, discernment. In courtship, you’ll start wondering if this person is meant for you. For Catholics, discernment is a big deal and discernment can cause people to bolt. Yes, it’s hurtful. But you also want what God wants for you. That girl was not meant for you, and try to think of it in this light: better knowing now in discernment she is not meant for you, than marrying her and going through a divorce later in life. If marriage is your vocation, you’ll find your future wife at the right time - His time. Keep praying. I hope this helps…

That was thoughtful of you. Thank you. I hope you find the right man one day. Sorry about my sarcasm. I mistook your post for something that you obviously did not intend it to be. So I am sorry too God bless you.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

The OP said “practicing Catholic women.”

Also, my exact phrasing was “Well, not to impugn the virtue of those secular women, but women that don’t care about chastity are often way friendlier than women that are concerned about protecting their chastity.”

I’m not saying that friendly women are necessarily unchaste, but that it may be characteristic of chaste women to be more wary and careful (i.e., less friendly).

Sooo… you agree with me?? Practicing Catholic women are more concerned with chastity so “it is characteristic of them to be more wary and careful (I.e. less friendly)” to use your own words? So, I MIGHT have a point, although you brought it home a different way than I tried to…?

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Because if you’ll look at how she was acting, it may have been more consistent with continuing the role/actions as she defined it in her previous relationship vice actually establishing a relationship with you.

These may have been the things she had been doing with her ex (daily calls/texts/habits of speech) which may have been appropriate based on the length and path of that previous relationship, which she came to realize were inconsistent/inappropriate with the actual time/familiarity of your/her relationship?

She may have come to that conclusion. She wasn’t over her ex because she was simply ‘play acting’ that relationship vice truly starting a new one from scratch with a new person. Actually, better for her to realize that and stop vice continuing a charade. She may have realized she had not fully come to grips with habits/things she did that were part of the reason her last relationship didn’t work out.

Very interesting way of seeing it. I think you might be spot on right. Thank you for your insights.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Before I lay into you, is the dog Catholic?

Besides, we already know it.

runs

I dont think dogs can be baptized

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

OP, honestly, I think someone should have some sense of whether or not they are ready for another relationship or not. Not by leading someone on for weeks. Granted, I have been out of the dating scene for years (married 18 years); however, I still think that it is a little early for someone to be texting you everyday, calling you every night. I know that some relationships start off like that, but I don’t think it is the norm. My point of reference is my youngest stepdaughter who is in the dating scene.

Perhaps the best thing to do is to not read too much into the daily texts, phone calls, until maybe a month or two has passed. I would hope by then that someone would know whether or not they are ready for a relationship. Maybe one of the questions you can work into on a date is if they have been without a boyfriend for a while and that sort of thing. Hopefully, the girl will be honest, but you can still say that you asked.

Thank you. Yes, I wish every woman will have figured out what they want by now and if they are ready to date or not before they put themselves out there. Especially in my age range. The 30’s is far from old, but it is old enough that some maturity should kick in.

I am over it though. Life is too short. I forgive her, because I want God to forgive me.

 

[edwest2]

Secular dating has no formal rules as far as I can tell.

Practicing Catholic Women who care about pleasing God have a harder time today. Be friendly, be polite, and if she’s friendly and polite, call her, get a real conversation going. Typed words don’t tell you as much as a real conversation. If she’s reluctant to call, OK. You figure out if you want to keep exchanging messages. Ask her out. My last girlfriend agreed but politely requested we meet at a restaurant and both of us should drive our own cars. After we met, there was some chemistry and/or she decided I wasn’t a psychopath/serial killer/loser. Hey, it didn’t bother me. After one or two dates like that, and enjoying each other’s company, she asked me to pick her up. I stopped at her apartment and we were off.

Most movies are right out. Dinner and a play or a dance company performance or old movies at a local theater or even going to the cider mill. We both loved God and as I got to know her, I realized this was special. Now, not all dates end well. She may not be an agreeable type for you or you for her. You may have conflicting opinions about things and it just doesn’t work out. Answer? You try again.

But I really think a few phone calls will give you enough information to be able to tell yourself: “I like her. I want to meet her in person.”

I’ve had OCDs and such, but I open doors for ladies, I show respect and I do not pry into personal matters, which, if you’ve earned each others trust, will come up. You will have those heart to heart conversations, and you will be friends, and if all continues to be well, consider courtship and talk about marriage.

God Bless,
Ed

 

[Xantippe]

I think what’s causing a lot of the confusion here is your terminology. You’re making the word “nice” do a lot of work that it’s not really designed to do.

Maybe you mean “polite,” “prudent,” “socially appropriate” and/or “thoughtful” instead of just “nice”? Maybe you’d do better if you were looking for polite, prudent, socially appropriate, thoughtful women rather than “nice” women?

Which woman is nicer? Lets say I like a woman and she completely ignores me hoping I will go away because she does not like me in that way and she does not want to lead me on. Or a woman who strings me along, makes me feel like I have a chance, calls me pet names, makes me feel all warm a fuzzy toward her then tells me she is not ready for a relationship?

Though the first one seems mean, and second one nice, the first one is actually nicer. What else is wrong with my posting’s on this topic? Keep em com’in

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I think what’s causing a lot of the confusion here is your terminology. You’re making the word “nice” do a lot of work that it’s not really designed to do.

Maybe you mean “polite,” “prudent,” “socially appropriate” and/or “thoughtful” instead of just “nice”? Maybe you’d do better if you were looking for polite, prudent, socially appropriate, thoughtful women rather than “nice” women?

No, I reject your opinion on the matter of my terminology entirely. My terminology is just fine and means what I say it means.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

No, I reject your opinion on the matter of my terminology entirely. My terminology is just fine and means what I say it means.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I have something to say to anyone who was following this thread or that I have interacted with on this thread.

Thank you to everyone who had kind encouraging words to say. I was truly hurt yesterday.

I apologize to everyone who I was sarcastic and rude to on this thread. I really mean that. After my last post besides this one, I felt a little bad. Being hurt is not a excuse to be a jerk and I was being a jerk. So, I am sorry for that. I do not really believe practicing Catholic women, in general, are more cruel or less nice. That is too big of a generalization. Lots are but lots are not. I should have chosen my words better.

Me and the woman I wrote about agreed to be friends. And I am happy with that. I did not know her long enough to get such a huge crush on her that I cannot be friends with her. We both made a mistake. I am done trying to analyze the whole situation. Does not matter who hurt who anymore. So, I am sorry for being a jerk. God bless you all.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I am in agreement with all the posters that said her behavior was obviously a red flag. Texting someone ‘good morning handsome’ after only 1 date is REALLY obviously wrong. It is like a man saying to a woman on a first date ‘I love you’, only to get sex and the woman falling for it.

But what really baffles me about your post is as a woman I have been told that men don’t like to loose their freedom. I am advised NOT to call a man too often because it will drive him away. And now I see a man who actually enjoyed it. Quite confusing to me

 

[dedo]

How is a woman supposed to know she is not ready to date yet???

You are right, that is expecting too much. I am way out of line. How dare I get my feelings hurt by being led on. Imagine me… expecting a woman to figure out if she is ready to date or not BEFORE she starts dating

The support has been great on these boards. Keep throwing salt in the wound. Its okay, I can take it.

I am sorry you are going through this. However, I would respectfully suggest that you change your focus from “how others behave” to “how you can improve yourself”. In general, the only person we can really change is ourselves.

Once a trainer was telling me his response to another student who had “issues” with several people. The teacher’s advice was that the common denominator in all these stories is “you”.
I told my wife that and she periodically reminds me of this if I forget it.

I am not that great with relationships either; however, I am the only person I blame for this, although I don’t beat myself up over it. Rather, I just look for ways to improve and make a positive impact somewhere. I am not dating but I am trying to be conscious about improving relationships including reconnecting with old friends that I have not seen for a while because of work.

It just simplifies things to think that way. Then instead of obsessing over something you cannot control (behavior of others), you calmly examine how you can do better next time.

Good luck.

 

[chevalier]

This is just kind of a vent/rant. I have nobody to talk to about this until I see my spiritual director on Sunday, so I just wanted to let me feelings out on the internet anonymously.

Okay, just don’t take answers too personally.

No offence to all the great Practicing Catholic women on this site. My experience in my life has been that Practicing Catholic women can be so cold.

Anyone can be cold, surprisingly cold even. You may need to look out for someone who is not.

Probably worse than secular women.

I don’t think so, but in any case you don’t really have a way of verifying that, so quit that angle, it’s kinda pointless.

I do not want to be the guy that a woman starts talking to, tells me that I am the kind of guy she wants, then later decides that she is not ready to date!!! Why didn’t you think hard enough to come to that conclusion before you joined a Catholic dating site? You do not know yourself enough to know what you want? I am OCD and scrupulous but I know if I want to date or not!

I feel for you because I’ve heard that line all my life (and not exactly from altar girls, you know), but you need to understand that people approach dating sites with varying levels of certainty and resolve, and even if they are initially certain, life can force them to verify those assumptions the moment they are confronted with practice. Before, there is simply no opportunity, no reason. Hence, they can’t really think it all out in advance and just stick to the conclusions, or at least not everyone can (it probably depends on personality to some extent).

How is it not cruel to call a man everyday for 3 weeks, have hour long conversations, send him texts first thing in the morning everyday, one of which said “Good morning darling” agree to go on a date with him, on which you tell him that you “want to see him again and see how it goes” then about a week and a half later, after still calling him everyday, decide that you are “Not over your ex and not ready to move on and that you hope you could still be friends”?

She was trying, and it didn’t work. It sounds like she put a lot of effort in the attempt, but she still didn’t succeed. Accept the good things as a bona-fide gift and move on. Wish her well. Apparently, she still needs to sort some things out in her life. You don’t even know if you don’t have a similar need yourself until you try.

Thanks a lot for choosing me to be the man you decide to test whether you are over your ex or not with

I sincerely doubt it was a test done on purpose. And if it wasn’t, then it wouldn’t be fair for you to blame her for choosing. It’s okay to feel frustrated, but you need to be fair to people and not blame them for more things than they really did.

The worst part is that you do not see how you did anything wrong. Then you have the audacity to say “I pray you have a good day” after you throw this news at me and know that I am hurt. What a jerk.

Okay, that does sound could or utilitarian.

Single Catholics, please, do everyone a favor and figure out what you want before you lead someone on. Truly figure out if you are ready to move on from that ex before you get someone else’s hopes up that you might like them. Do not call someone everyday, tell them that you think they are handsome (or pretty if you are a guy) tell them how you think a relationship would work out between you two and then decide to figure out that you are not ready to date. It is not fair to the other person. Life is not fair, but I though we were supposed to care about other peoples feelings as Catholics. I cannot believe how cruel we can be toward each other sometimes.

You need to develop some more stamina and also to take things less literally. Accept them for what they are now without trying to interpret them into commitments.

This is not even a isolated incident with me.

Of course not. But you know what the recurring element is, right? There is something which draws you to those women. Find out what it is.

Also tell yourself that you don’t need to immediately act on all feelings or squeeze any romantic opportunity to the last drop. It’s okay to put some distance between feelings and execution. If you find that something to do with their unavailability (or their wounded-sparrow current state of being) attracts you, it’s okay to put some restraints on yourself emotionally and just not act on those attractions.

Next, you kinda need to learn to let it go when the girl is not willing. It’s not the first nor the last time one changes her mind on you.

The first time I met a good practicing Catholic woman from a dating site, she gave me her phone number and asked me if I wanted to hang out and made me feel like I had a chance with her, only to later tell me she was moving out of state to go to college.

Sounds like you had a chance, but the results weren’t ground-shaking. It works both ways actually. The girl also had her chance with you, but it didn’t work out. Had she properly turned your brain into jelly, you wouldn’t have let her go. Men do amazing things when they really mean it with a woman.

 

[chevalier]

Okay… if you know there is a chance you might be moving away soon, why let a guy think he has a chance to date you? I feel like sometimes some of these Catholic women think that they are in capable of doing any man wrong in any way so they cannot see how they can be cruel to us men.

Unfortunately, these days women are often conditioned to take care of their own feelings first and only as the most important, supreme thing, including their primordial whims, not even meditated and guided desires and goals. When their supreme imperative is to avoid emotionally unpleasant things to them, then yeah, they can throw you out like a pair of old gloves. And no, doing so won’t make them happy. It can’t. It can’t even protect them from emotional displeasure, because they will feel emotional displeasure with themselves for acting like that. They may just not realize where the feeling is coming from, I guess.

I will get over this but right now I just cannot believe my bad luck in dating so far. Seems secular women are nicer.

They aren’t. You’re just mentally focused on them right now, so anything which concerns them appears more important and more immediate compared to other things.

 

[chevalier]

That is helpful, thanks

It really is helpful. But you need to understand that GreyWings wasn’t saying it to negate the existence or importance of your emotional suffering (just simply not getting into the details of it). You really need to learn and accept that people have a change of heart — pretty often actually. They could go about it in better ways, of course, certainly more considerate — and especially women, as women really can be cold and inconsiderate in the 21st century — but nobody’s perfect. They are probably often not even cold and inconsiderate per se as much as socially inept, awkward, not knowing how to act in the situation or what to do with their feelings. So get some distance. Realize that feelings (including feelings of guilt, pain, frustration etc.) are not reality but only a response to it.

Speaking as a woman, I’m pretty sure that I’m guilty of not being able to see things from a man’s perspective, just the same as I know that some men were not sensitive enough to see some things from a female’s too! Its just part of the ‘dance’.

As a man, I’m prettty sure it’s not just a male or female perspective, but it has more to do with the stupefying way in which people who called you darling or something yesterday can, today, find it in themselves to just calmly tell you thank you for not calling any more. It’s the u-turn which makes you suspect that something’s wrong with things, either with how the person is acting or thinking or feeling, or with what the person is saying, e.g. suspecting that he or she is either not being sincere now or was not before; that there is more to it than is being said, and that there person might not be in full control of his or faculties right now; all of which, incidentally, may well be true.

I"m curious though… why do you think a woman will instantly know that you are the one she will want to stick with? For women, we need time to get to know a man.

There were other answers later on, but I think his problem lies partly in what we’ve just covered, i.e. the apparent ease of change from being sweet and interested to cold and distant. People change. And they change in quite diametrical and sometimes also sudden, unexpectable ways. It takes some time to get used to that.

The OP is probably having a gigantic trust issue with women in general because of how he can’t reconcile the woman’s initial and later behaviour.

For a lot of us, women tending to be very social creatures, we like to meet people- and its the same towards men- only we don’t realize our enthusiam might mean something else to a man.

In my experience that works exactly the same way for both men and women. Both sexes claim it as an excuse and each sex complains about the other doing just that. People get overly enthusiastic, they exaggerate it, and then they have an equally strong rebound, opposite reaction, when they get back to their senses or when their mood simply takes a swing.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Okay, just don’t take answers too personally.

Anyone can be cold, surprisingly cold even. You may need to look out for someone who is not.

I don’t think so, but in any case you don’t really have a way of verifying that, so quit that angle, it’s kinda pointless.

I feel for you because I’ve heard that line all my life (and not exactly from altar girls, you know), but you need to understand that people approach dating sites with varying levels of certainty and resolve, and even if they are initially certain, life can force them to verify those assumptions the moment they are confronted with practice. Before, there is simply no opportunity, no reason. Hence, they can’t really think it all out in advance and just stick to the conclusions, or at least not everyone can (it probably depends on personality to some extent).

She was trying, and it didn’t work. It sounds like she put a lot of effort in the attempt, but she still didn’t succeed. Accept the good things as a bona-fide gift and move on. Wish her well. Apparently, she still needs to sort some things out in her life. You don’t even know if you don’t have a similar need yourself until you try.

I sincerely doubt it was a test done on purpose. And if it wasn’t, then it wouldn’t be fair for you to blame her for choosing. It’s okay to feel frustrated, but you need to be fair to people and not blame them for more things than they really did.

Okay, that does sound could or utilitarian.

You need to develop some more stamina and also to take things less literally. Accept them for what they are now without trying to interpret them into commitments.

Of course not. But you know what the recurring element is, right? There is something which draws you to those women. Find out what it is.

Also tell yourself that you don’t need to immediately act on all feelings or squeeze any romantic opportunity to the last drop. It’s okay to put some distance between feelings and execution. If you find that something to do with their unavailability (or their wounded-sparrow current state of being) attracts you, it’s okay to put some restraints on yourself emotionally and just not act on those attractions.

Next, you kinda need to learn to let it go when the girl is not willing. It’s not the first nor the last time one changes her mind on you.

Sounds like you had a chance, but the results weren’t ground-shaking. It works both ways actually. The girl also had her chance with you, but it didn’t work out. Had she properly turned your brain into jelly, you wouldn’t have let her go. Men do amazing things when they really mean it with a woman.

Read my last post on this thread before this one. I said a lot of things while hurt that I really did not mean. I got over it all in about 24 hours.

 

[chevalier]

Read my last post on this thread before this one. I said a lot of things while hurt that I really did not mean. I got over it all in about 24 hours.

Oh, sorry. I had to go to sleep early and didn’t finish reading the whole thread before. Thanks for clarifying. Take what I said with a pinch of salt there. It’s obviously not all as serious then, though it always helps to come to terms with the annoyance of people’s decisions we don’t like, lousy choices (from our perspective) or lousy act about it.

 

[Kateri92]

This is just kind of a vent/rant. I have nobody to talk to about this until I see my spiritual director on Sunday, so I just wanted to let me feelings out on the internet anonymously.

No offence to all the great Practicing Catholic women on this site. My experience in my life has been that Practicing Catholic women can be so cold. Probably worse than secular women. I do not want to be the guy that a woman starts talking to, tells me that I am the kind of guy she wants, then later decides that she is not ready to date!!! Why didn’t you think hard enough to come to that conclusion before you joined a Catholic dating site? You do not know yourself enough to know what you want? I am OCD and scrupulous but I know if I want to date or not!

How is it not cruel to call a man everyday for 3 weeks, have hour long conversations, send him texts first thing in the morning everyday, one of which said “Good morning darling” agree to go on a date with him, on which you tell him that you “want to see him again and see how it goes” then about a week and a half later, after still calling him everyday, decide that you are “Not over your ex and not ready to move on and that you hope you could still be friends”?

Thanks a lot for choosing me to be the man you decide to test whether you are over your ex or not with The worst part is that you do not see how you did anything wrong. Then you have the audacity to say “I pray you have a good day” after you throw this news at me and know that I am hurt. What a jerk.

Single Catholics, please, do everyone a favor and figure out what you want before you lead someone on. Truly figure out if you are ready to move on from that ex before you get someone else’s hopes up that you might like them. Do not call someone everyday, tell them that you think they are handsome (or pretty if you are a guy) tell them how you think a relationship would work out between you two and then decide to figure out that you are not ready to date. It is not fair to the other person. Life is not fair, but I though we were supposed to care about other peoples feelings as Catholics. I cannot believe how cruel we can be toward each other sometimes.

This is not even a isolated incident with me. The first time I met a good practicing Catholic woman from a dating site, she gave me her phone number and asked me if I wanted to hang out and made me feel like I had a chance with her, only to later tell me she was moving out of state to go to college. Okay… if you know there is a chance you might be moving away soon, why let a guy think he has a chance to date you? I feel like sometimes some of these Catholic women think that they are in capable of doing any man wrong in any way so they cannot see how they can be cruel to us men.

I will get over this but right now I just cannot believe my bad luck in dating so far. Seems secular women are nicer.

This literally just happened to me. It really sucks, but the truth is we are better off because of it. You want to date someone who loves you for you, not someone who is still on the fence. I just talked to a guy online everyday for 2 weeks. He would say I was amazing and beautiful and then one day stopped e-mailing me. I’m honestly not surprised anymore. Some people see the internet as this virtual thing that doesn’t impact anyone. The truth is they have done studies on this and found that online communications have the same effect in the brain as in person. I’m very sorry that women have done this to you. Just realize you are one step closer to finding your wife. She will come along and you will be able to look back and see why you had to wait.