Dating someone going through annulment process?

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I’ve met a woman who’s Catholic and divorced. She’s seeking a declaration of nullity for her first marriage, which did take place within the Church. We get along quite well, but I am concerned about dating her while her annulment is still pending. I’d appreciate some advice.

Technically, if the marriage is found to be null, it wasn’t there in the first place, so there would seem to be no problem in dating her. However, if the tribunal decides that the marriage is valid, she’s still married in the eyes of the Church. At that point, dating her would seem to be a problem.

Would you just consider this a matter of prudence, where I examine the facts of the marriage as I understand them? That’s how I’m leaning, because there do seem to be legitimate grounds for a declaration of nullity. However, I would welcome contrary opinions. Thank you!
 
Personally, I would exercise caution and keep everything strictly within the realm of friendship for now. The closer you get, the harder it would be to break if you had to (and the easier to fall into temptations seemingly justified by emotional attachment.)
 
pensmama87 said:
Personally, I would exercise caution and keep everything strictly within the realm of friendship for now. The closer you get, the harder it would be to break if you had to (and the easier to fall into temptations seemingly justified by emotional attachment.)
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yes that could be “near occasion”. Could it also be scandal?
 
As someone who went through a divorce and received a declaration of nullity.

She’s married, consider her married and act accordingly because that is her status. She isn’t free, according to the Church, to be involved with someone else.

You can certainly be friends, but I would take it no farther than that and risk getting your hopes (and hers) up only to have them dashed at some point in the future. Because, truthfully-- what will you do if her petition is denied? After you’ve sunk time and some level of emotional commitment to the relationship?
  • I don’t know how long she’s been divorced. But if its been fairly recent she needs some time to figure out herself. The annulment process, if participated in honestly, can be very helpful in getting ones head together after a divorce, to avoid rushing into things.
 
fnr said:
I’ve met a woman who’s Catholic and divorced. She’s seeking a declaration of nullity for her first marriage, which did take place within the Church. We get along quite well, but I am concerned about dating her while her annulment is still pending. I’d appreciate some advice.

Technically, if the marriage is found to be null, it wasn’t there in the first place, so there would seem to be no problem in dating her. However, if the tribunal decides that the marriage is valid, she’s still married in the eyes of the Church. At that point, dating her would seem to be a problem.

Would you just consider this a matter of prudence, where I examine the facts of the marriage as I understand them? That’s how I’m leaning, because there do seem to be legitimate grounds for a declaration of nullity. However, I would welcome contrary opinions. Thank you!
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Pardon me if I borrow some ideas from some of the other great responses you’ve had.

I have to say, dating someone who is applying for a declaration of nullity seems to me like jumping into a near occasion of sin.

It seems to me like anyone in that situation is just saying, “I trust my luck.”

Because there is no guarantee that the following won’t happen:
You date the woman. Because you care for her, and also because you only hear her side, you become increasingly convinced that her petition will be successful. You date her for like a year, and you become close. Then her petition is denied. You have been so convinced that the petition had merit, that (perhaps unwillingly) you begin to be angry with the Church. You think, “I love her–how can the Church want to prevent love? How hypocritical.” Gradually, you decide to get married anyway, and resent the Church for saying it’s not OK. You have kids. You think, “How can the Church want to split up our family and deprive our kids of a stable home? The Church is wrong.” You fall away from the Church…
I’m not saying you’d do this, but I am saying that I’ve seen people who have gone down that road multiple times before. When you look back from the other end of that road, the only way to have an outcome that is not terribly painful one way or another would be to go back in time to where you are now, and not to date the married person. If you think you can just give her up if it goes the wrong way, then certainly you could give her up now, before you have as deep an attachment as you would have later.

So just say no. I’d be careful about friendship even, because you have already thought about dating, and it would be easy to fool yourselves about the nature of your relationship until it is too late.

–Jen
 
I would just exercise caution. If her case is just a lack of form case then it is just a matter of filling out the appropriate documents. If her case requires a full blown investigation then I would get an idea if the tribunal that she’s applied with has ever denied a request. You can generally find statistics for such things reported to Rome. I don’t think that it’s a matter of imprudence for you because marriages that go to a tribunal investigation are rarely found to have been valid.
 
According to the Church, she’s married unless and until a declaration of nullity is granted. Deciding to date someone in this circumstance is like playing Russian Roulette: it might turn out all right, but there are really bad results if it doesn’t.
 
It would be better to leave the “facts” of the marriage and annulment process to the tribunal, and refrain from dating the lady until you know that she is free to marry.
 
pensmama87 said:
Personally, I would exercise caution and keep everything strictly within the realm of friendship for now. The closer you get, the harder it would be to break if you had to (and the easier to fall into temptations seemingly justified by emotional attachment.)
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Great answer and advice. I agree. Keep it “friendship only.”
 
fnr said:
Technically, if the marriage is found to be null, it wasn’t there in the first place, so there would seem to be no problem in dating her.
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Only in an objective point of view, but not with regard to subjective accountability for how one acts on the basis of information one has available.

As long as she doesn’t have a nullity decree (sustained by an appellate tribunal) and it isn’t a very obvious lack of form or something else equally evident as that, she’s presumed married, not single.

Just like you are presumed innocent until proven guilty, not guilty until proven innocent.

Hence the right course of action is to treat her as a married woman until she proves otherwise, not the other way round.
However, if the tribunal decides that the marriage is valid, she’s still married in the eyes of the Church. At that point, dating her would seem to be a problem.
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The ‘point’ falls when she has the decree. That is when dating her stops being a problem.
Would you just consider this a matter of prudence, where I examine the facts of the marriage as I understand them?
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If you don’t even know the facts, then she might as well have no case.

Again, pursuing a nullity decree does not suspend a marriage. Marriages are ‘innocent until proven guilty’.
That’s how I’m leaning, because there do seem to be legitimate grounds for a declaration of nullity. However, I would welcome contrary opinions. Thank you!
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In short, a chance that she might actually be single doesn’t justify dating her. Because a nullity application does not suspend the marriage or loosen the bond or anything like that.

(Not any more than if her spouse went missing with no contact for some time with some odds he died.)
 
fnr said:
I’ve met a woman who’s Catholic and divorced. She’s seeking a declaration of nullity for her first marriage, which did take place within the Church. We get along quite well, but I am concerned about dating her while her annulment is still pending. I’d appreciate some advice.

Technically, if the marriage is found to be null, it wasn’t there in the first place, so there would seem to be no problem in dating her. However, if the tribunal decides that the marriage is valid, she’s still married in the eyes of the Church. At that point, dating her would seem to be a problem.

Would you just consider this a matter of prudence, where I examine the facts of the marriage as I understand them? That’s how I’m leaning, because there do seem to be legitimate grounds for a declaration of nullity. However, I would welcome contrary opinions. Thank you!
Click to expand...
She married in the Church, it will be a formal case and could take quite a long time. She does not have a decree of nullity and is married. You should treat her as such.

As far as examining the facts, unless you’re a marriage case advocate or canon lawyer with a specialty in marriage, you can’t know if there are legitimate grounds. In any case you may have a bit of a bias so it’s likely you would find the grounds.

Remain friends only and make a gentle suggestion she should not date while going through the process.
 
fnr said:
I’ve met a woman who’s Catholic and divorced. She’s seeking a declaration of nullity for her first marriage, which did take place within the Church. We get along quite well, but I am concerned about dating her while her annulment is still pending. I’d appreciate some advice.

Technically, if the marriage is found to be null, it wasn’t there in the first place, so there would seem to be no problem in dating her. However, if the tribunal decides that the marriage is valid, she’s still married in the eyes of the Church. At that point, dating her would seem to be a problem.

Would you just consider this a matter of prudence, where I examine the facts of the marriage as I understand them? That’s how I’m leaning, because there do seem to be legitimate grounds for a declaration of nullity. However, I would welcome contrary opinions. Thank you!
Click to expand...
Until the Church declares the marriage null, you should treat her as a married woman. She may not get an annulment after all.
 
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