Dating someone my family doesn't approve of

[Immacolata]

Let’s see…He’s not the same age as yourself. He’s not the same religion as yourself. He’s not the same race as yourself. You immediately have little in common. Don’t make the mistake of underestimating the effect of age, race and religion on a relationship. The most successful relationships are the ones where two people have the most in common. On top of it all, he’s an ex-soldier who saw action in Iraq. And he’s a fitness trainer, which I can surmise that he’s a jock. I expect to get jumped on here in this forum, which is far too PC in my opinion, but the odds of being physically abused by a black partner is much, much higher than with a white partner. Here’s a quote from Violence Against Women Online Resources: “The Bureau of Justice Statistics (BJS) reported that African-American women experienced domestic violence at a rate 35% higher than Caucasian women” This is because African-American women are living with African-American men. There, I’ve said it. I don’t wish ill on anyone of any race, but when it comes to marriage and children, whites belong with whites, blacks belong with blacks. Bi-racial children frequently grow up all shades of confused about their identity. Remove the scales from your eyes, and listen to your parents. They have your best interests at heart. You’ll get this same message from very few other posters, I suspect, but they are lurking and watching this thread and thinking “Right on! Someone had the courage to say it!”

My niece and nephew are biracial (my sister is white and her ex-partner is Puerto Rican), and they are not confused about their identity at all. I have yet to see any biracial child confused about their identity; you may have, but I have not. Yes, age and religion do play a significant part in a relationship (I have read of religion differences culminating in a heated argument at some point in the relationship), but I do not see race as an issue whatsoever, unless there is an outside source making it an issue.

Just because she is dating a black man does not mean she has little in common with him; she has little in common with him because she is twelve years younger than him and is of a different religion. As someone said above me, they are both of the same race - the human race, and should be allowed to date outside of their specific color. As well, her parents do not have her best interests at heart if they are judging a potential husband based on his race; that is not the right criteria to judge upon. They seem to have more of their best interests at heart than their daughter’s.

And I have never read of African-American women being the highest victims of abuse, but that may be true (I do not look into the specifics), but African-American women do not date just African-American men. They, like white, Hispanic, and Asian women, date white, Hispanic, and Asian men along with African-American men.

 

[exoflare]

I expect to get jumped on here in this forum, which is far too PC in my opinion, but the odds of being physically abused by a black partner is much, much higher than with a white partner.

 

[Elisabethelisa]

Rotfl!!
J’abandonne !

 

[InigoMontoya]

Rotfl!!

+1

And likely the best response.

 

[TheCartoonist]

Interesting replies! I thank everyone for any advice given. It’s clear some conversations need to be had before any sort of next step in our relationship is taken.

His mother and I haven’t met, she lives in NC which is quite a few states over, but he’s told her about me and I’m told she likes me already. She’s coming up for Easter and if all goes well I’ll meet her then. We share a lot of mutual friends because we’ve both attended the same school. Most of his other friends are located the next state over from where he attends school and we both currently reside. He wants us all to meet soon though, and all the reactions have been good so far. From his friends and mine. I’ve seen proof that he was actually in the military. We’ve spoken about his PTSD already and how it effects him.
**
I really need to watch what I write, because I’m starting to realize I’m not clear at all. My mother doesn’t talk to 4 of her OWN sisters. She talks to all of her children. There’s been quite a few rifts in her family. She’s number 7 of 8 and hardly anyone gets along with each other. She doesn’t want us to become like that.**

As far as things in common go, despite age, we have more in common than you’d think, and more than just that we take interests in each others lives and find the differences compelling!

But I’m not taking any of this lightly. I realize the situation isn’t totally normal and could go totally wrong if proper precaution isn’t taken. I made this post because I was interested in getting some feedback from people on the outside.

I’ve spoken with my priest about him, and about how my family feels. He listened patiently and didn’t know what to say, only said to give things time and see how it goes. He was hopeful for me.

On a good note, we’re going to dinner tonight so my sister and brother in law can meet him! It’ll be good to get her feedback. Prayers for all of this are appreciated.

 

[Meximo]

I can only speak from a little bit of experience here. I am hispanic and my husband is white (gosh I really hate writing it like that). We are, by the Grace of God, both Catholic and only a year apart. My parents(now just my Dad, Mom rip) love my husband and I could not say that about my in-laws well my mother-in-law (rip), one sister-in-law and a brother-in-law all have said disparaging remarks about me and our sons. One of my sister-in-laws is super nice, though. My mother-in-law and I did make amends while she was on her deathbed, but it was sad because she didn’t get the opportunity to have a real relationship with her grandsons (16 & 11 when she passed away). Thankfully my husband and I have raised strong boys, but I’ll be honest there have been days when my youngest has come home a little miffed because he was made fun of because he is considered white and called nasty names by some students at school (by hispanics). Racism is alive. And my husband and I aren’t even biracial just different ethnicities. I wish you the best. For the record I don’t care if my boys date someone purple but they should be catholic. My :twocents:

 

[TheRealJuliane]

From the perspective of a parent, I would not be concerned about the color of his skin one whit. I WOULD be concerned about what a 32 year old man sees in a 20 year old young lady. I can see how you are attracted to him, and find settled qualities in him that you do not see from young men your own age. But for him? It’s a little troubling when a man of 32 looks that far down the age slope and starts a relationship with a 20 year old.

You didn’t mention his father. Does he know his father? Any contact?

He has PTSD? Please don’t minimize this, it can cause personality changes and severe problems.

I would also be very concerned about the difference in religious faith. I would not recommend going any further, as a matter of fact. A non-denomination Christian is not likely to accept all of the Catholic Church’s requirements such as raising the children as Catholic. That’s a deal-breaker for you - you must promise to do that and marrying a non-Catholic introduces the possibility of a whole lot of strife and pain.

Just being anti-contraceptive doesn’t mean he agrees with the rest of our precepts. And when children enter the equation, all sorts of things can happen.

As I said, I couldn’t care less what color skin someone has. Other factors are way more important than that. You have some of those other factors that could really affect your future life.

 

[Immacolata]

In my first (and second) reply, I did not give much advice to the OP; however, TheRealJuliane said most of what I would say:

He has PTSD? Please don’t minimize this, it can cause personality changes and severe problems.

Indeed, PTSD is not to be minimized. It is a serious disorder that can cause serious problems, which may take strength that you do not have.

I would also be very concerned about the difference in religious faith. I would not recommend going any further, as a matter of fact. A non-denomination Christian is not likely to accept all of the Catholic Church’s requirements such as raising the children as Catholic. That’s a deal-breaker for you - you must promise to do that and marrying a non-Catholic introduces the possibility of a whole lot of strife and pain.

As well, dating (and eventually marrying) a non-Catholic is likely to cause quite a bit of strife once children come into the scene. Have you mentioned to him the obligations you must keep as a Catholic when you eventually have children? Or have you not mentioned this to him? If you haven’t, I would suggest mentioning it to him now, in a serious discussion. If he does not agree with raising the children Catholic, it may be, as TheRealJuliane said, a deal-breaker for the relationship.

 

[perlamaria]

Interesting replies! I thank everyone for any advice given. It’s clear some conversations need to be had before any sort of next step in our relationship is taken.

His mother and I haven’t met, she lives in NC which is quite a few states over, but he’s told her about me and I’m told she likes me already. She’s coming up for Easter and if all goes well I’ll meet her then. We share a lot of mutual friends because we’ve both attended the same school. Most of his other friends are located the next state over from where he attends school and we both currently reside. He wants us all to meet soon though, and all the reactions have been good so far. From his friends and mine. I’ve seen proof that he was actually in the military. We’ve spoken about his PTSD already and how it effects him.
**
I really need to watch what I write, because I’m starting to realize I’m not clear at all. My mother doesn’t talk to 4 of her OWN sisters. She talks to all of her children. There’s been quite a few rifts in her family. She’s number 7 of 8 and hardly anyone gets along with each other. She doesn’t want us to become like that.**

As far as things in common go, despite age, we have more in common than you’d think, and more than just that we take interests in each others lives and find the differences compelling!

But I’m not taking any of this lightly. I realize the situation isn’t totally normal and could go totally wrong if proper precaution isn’t taken. I made this post because I was interested in getting some feedback from people on the outside.

I’ve spoken with my priest about him, and about how my family feels. He listened patiently and didn’t know what to say, only said to give things time and see how it goes. He was hopeful for me.

On a good note, we’re going to dinner tonight so my sister and brother in law can meet him! It’ll be good to get her feedback. Prayers for all of this are appreciated.

Tell me what happened when you meet his mother and he meets your sister I think is great I feel sorry that americans have to deal with racism so much maybe you should look into moving to puerto rico racism has never been in a issue for us we all puerto rican all shades God bless

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

The color of one’s skin doesn’t matter. The culture of one’s family might. Skin color is such an easy way to identify that you come from different cultures, at least if you go far enough back. Maybe that is why people who aren’t racist are sometimes wary of “inter-racial” relationships. Of course, two people can have very similar shades of skin and come from very different cultures as well. Either way, getting to know a significant other’s parents and siblings is an important part of discerning marriage. What a person’s family is like tells you a lot about what your family might be like should you marry and have a family. Your boyfriend brings the strengths of his family into your life, but he also brings the faults. Would you be happy having a life like that of his parents? If not, what has he done in his life to make you believe that he will not follow the same path? My husband and I are roughly the same skin color, but there are certainly differences in our “family cultures.” Some of them are just interesting tidbits or annoyances about our parents. Some of them are things that we have worked to change in our own lives. But some of those differences are issues in our marriage. This will happen in every marriage. What are the faults/issues? Are they things that you are willing to put up with, or do they warn of a difficult marriage? On the other hand, meeting each other’s families also showed my dh and I that we were raised with enough similar values that we would both carry those values forward into our own marriage. Parents with an unwavering commitment to their marriages no matter what, was a really positive common factor. Differences in culture don’t necessarily mean incompatibility. But they should be noted and addressed by a couple.

Religious differences are the real doozie though. Does your boyfriend really love his church? Is he enthusiastic about his faith? If he is, is it realistic to expect that he will be willing to set all of that aside so that you can raise the children that you would have (should you get married) as YOUR religion in YOUR church? Will he really be ok with always deferring religious questions to you, and to letting you teach them things that lead them to think that he is mistaken in his beliefs? It is important to remember that this is what you will be expected to promise if you marry a man who is not Catholic. You will find people who tell you that they have managed to have a happy marriage with a person of another faith, have managed to raise their children Catholic successfully, or that their spouse eventually converted. But you will find many more who either have heartbreaking stories about strife in the family over religion, or who can’t or won’t do what it takes to teach their children the faith properly. The church will allow marriages between 2 faiths (with a dispensation), but it does not recommend it. I have to agree with your parents on the religion thing - when I realized I was ready to find a husband, I didn’t even consider dating anyone other than a Catholic, and I intend to teach my children to do the same.

 

[mdleagedguy]

I’m the guy my wife’s family hates, even though I’ve never cheated on her or used drugs like the guys her sisters married. I was Catholic and she was not, although she is now. I’m also a veteran. I find it a bit odd that it would be a concern that he’s a veteran. I think most veterans are great guys. We are service oriented and responsible people. I think the main thing you should worry about is the age difference. At age 20, a 12 year age gap is large. It’s more so than for someone who is 52 marrying someone who is 40. You have had two years as an adult, and he has had 14. The rest of it, not so much of a problem as long as he agrees that you will remain Catholic and raise any children as such. He might even convert. There aren’t a lot of black Catholics, and so he may well be unaware of what Catholics believe and how we live. Make sure you discuss it with him. Go slow.

 

[Chantal25]

Please don’t take this the wrong way but I find that this is immoral of him to allow himself to date you. He could be your father. If you would be 40 and him 52, this would be different because you would be a full develop adult with experience and you will make a more conscious decision to date him. You on the other hand, you won’t have the same view on life when you are 25 and 30 etc… It takes a little while to mature. Unless you are very advance in your adult journey, you should be careful with a huge age difference like this. Restrain from any sexual activity. If you cannot help yourself and want to know him, then do but again restrain from anything that can lead to a pregnancy. Sexuality is only bless by God with marriage to start a family. If this man honor this, then he definitely has your best interest at heart. If you are already engaging in sexuality, then put a stop to it now.

For the rest, concerning racist, then you need to pray for your parent on this matter. They cannot help to label people this way and they are the one that need to most compassion and love so their heart will open. God doesn’t discriminate, he created all of us and not just one race but all of us. We will be judge from our deed and love for God not from the color of our skin.

Best luck with this, i pray for you, your family and friend.