Dating someone who is in a different stage of spiritual growth?

[BigPuma]

Hi, I’ve been reading Catholic Answers for a few years now, but just now got the urge to get involved. I’m not exactly sure how to word this question, so I’ll just lay it all out. I’ve been dating a really great man for about a year now. He’s funny, he’s smart, and he truly wants to be the man God is calling him to be. The trouble, though, is that through no fault of his own, he doesn’t know his faith very well. As many of you twentysomethings and thirtysomethings (and probably even older) know, the Church has been lacking in providing the youth with solid Catechesis for a while now. Blame it on whatever you want, but regardless, many of the young adults who had been raised in the Church don’t have a strong understanding of what the Church teaches and why.
My boyfriend falls into this category. He grew up going to church and he knows his faith is important, but he was never given the resources to grow in his understanding. I, on the other hand, was incredibly blessed in my youth. God placed a number of people in my life at the right time to help me fan the flames and grow in spiritual maturity. I take very little credit for this. Those people were placed there by God’s grace and I was able to take advantage of them because of God’s grace.
Though this is absolutely a blessing, it also has its downsides. Because most of the Catholics my age including my boyfriend who I love dearly simply haven’t had the opportunity to grow in their understanding of the faith as I have, it is very difficult to fully share my faith with a significant other. With my boyfriend, he wants to learn, but I want to share in our faith together, not be his teacher. It’s much easier when we both push each other to grow in our faith, but because of where he is, I can’t justly ask that of him. Also, if I try to be his teacher, it puts us in an imbalanced relationship whereas I want us to be equals.
It also makes it very hard for us to have a pure relationship. My boyfriend knows that sex before mariage is a sin, but until I told him, he had no idea that many of the other sexual things were also a sin. Further, while he knew it was a sin, he didn’t understand why, making it much more difficult for him to adhere to it. Once again we have been very blessed that God has given us the grace to avoid intercourse, but we’ve slipped on occasion.
Any thoughts on how to handle a significant other who is at a different stage in his or her spiritual development?
Also, any tips for the two of us in regards to keeping our relationship chaste and focused on Christ?
Thanks!

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Ideally people would always be on the same page spiritually, but reality is that at some point there will be differences. A couple could start being 'equal, but then one grows in faith and moves closer to God. Then what?

I think you are in a great situation. A man who wants to grow closer to God and is keen on learning. But you don’t want to be his teacher. Why not? God wants us to teach our brothers and sisters in Christ, as well as to learn from others. This is a moment when you are the teacher, but this could easily change in the future. He may easily catch up and then one day surpass you and help you grow in holiness. This happens all the time, so don’t worry about your relationship. Seriously, I’d love to have your ‘problem’.

 

[Maryse17]

This is my first post, but when I read your post, I finally got my act together and signed up. I am finding myself in the exact same situation and definitely look forward to hearing what other people have to say!

 

[brikar]

I’m not sure how much help I will be here. When my husband and I married, we were similar spiritually. However, within the last several years, I put my relationship with God, front and center. I don’t think you can really teach that. That is between him and God. My husband is very supportive of where I am at, and he has stepped up as a result. Because I became more involved in the parish life, so did he. He has also both, gone to and helped put on retreats, etc. He’s not where I am at, but he’s on his own path and moving forward. So, I think the big question is does he support you, where you are at? I do share my journey with him, and I think that is beneficial. But, it is different with someone who truly gets it. I have a spiritual director and also a close spiritual friend that I can discuss more in depth with. I do pray for the day when my husband is my spiritual partner. I’m convinced that that will happen, in God’s time. Our relationship? I have no doubt that God joined us together. Love him madly.

 

[Seakfortruth]

I am experiencing this as well. It is really hard sometimes. Mostly because he is overly emotional and we have a lot of tough situations. Right now he is extremely disappointed with me because of my support of the boy scouts ban on homosexuals. I try to explain that homosexuals could be members as long as they are not openly bragging or supporting that way of life. He does not understand and says I am discriminating. Sometimes I wonder if we will ever totally work through these issues and if it would cause problems in a potential marriage. Other than that he really is a sweet guy and has treated me with respect like no one else.

My boyfriend’s parents are divorced… his father 4 times, his mother twice and in a third marriage that has issues. He says his goal is never to be divorced. He has seen the effects of it. I want to be compassionate and help him. He has made huge progress in coming back to the Church just by seeing me live my faith. I never pushed him. We just seem to be upset more than happy. However, it’s not in my nature to quit or give up. I hope I don’t stay in something that I shouldn’t.

 

[JoeofCupertino]

I dont mean this post to be offensive but I think it needs to be said. CAF family life forum is becoming a place for women to come and complain about husbands, boyfriends and fiancee’s that are either non-believers or not raised in a devout Catholic family. There are many young Catholic men out there that know the faith and are good, faithful Catholics. From reading these forums, you would think that young women are these saints that are trying to bring civilization to their straying men. You see this evem with older, married Catholic women on these forums complaining about their less than faithful, devout husband that refuses to share the faith and actively raise a family in the faith.

I personally know of many young women that went out and found good and faithful young Catholic men. Their dating life and married life has been so much better for it. After so many threads on here, why havent some Catholic women gotten the message that its very hard, if not impossible, to change someone?

Maybe I am just very conservative and averse to risk taking but since as Catholics we dont have divorce and the only way out is through an anullment which can be hard to get approved, so why dont Catholics looking for marriage try to find and pick the safest choice that will likely lead to a happy, successful marriage? I dont really buy those arguments that the supply is low of young Catholic men that know the faith and are faithful. Ive seen many young Catholic women dating outside the faith while the good men are still single. If all the good Catholic men were taken, I might have more sympathy but when you write off most young Catholic men as not being faithful and educated in the faith, you write off a large portion of Catholic men. The good Catholic men are out there, if you want to find them.

When I look at the posts in this thread what stands out is that in a marriage if these beliefs are not reconciled, it will be felt by the children who go normally with the more lenient parent towards religious belief and practice. You see many older married women on CAF that complain that their children dont believe or are promiscuous while blaming the father for his lack of faith that he normally never had. Why put yourself in that position in the first place?

A Mormon professor gave me some good advice, dont get married and hope your spouse will change after the wedding because it most likely wont happen.

 

[Aggies08]

If he wants to learn, attend any classes your parish offers together. Attend RCIA just to go over the “basics.” Let someone else be the formal teacher, and you attend as yourselves.

 

[Franciscanguy]

Maybe it’s just me but I don’t see the problem. Any conversation by its nature is “educational.” Suppose he was on exactly the same “level”, what ever that means, as you are. Theres nothing saying that he would either have the same spirituality (Carmelite vs Franciscan, say) or be able to articulate it. James Fowler has a great book called “Spiritual Stages” where he talks about the diffrent stages people can be. None are better than the other they simply are.

I also kind of resent the way you are talking down about him. You sound like you are better than him because you are more “spiritual” how ever you define that. You dont need to be an apoligist to be a good Catholic.

 

[mrs_ahs]

Hi, I’ve been reading Catholic Answers for a few years now, but just now got the urge to get involved. I’m not exactly sure how to word this question, so I’ll just lay it all out. I’ve been dating a really great man for about a year now. He’s funny, he’s smart, and he truly wants to be the man God is calling him to be. The trouble, though, is that through no fault of his own, he doesn’t know his faith very well. As many of you twentysomethings and thirtysomethings (and probably even older) know, the Church has been lacking in providing the youth with solid Catechesis for a while now. Blame it on whatever you want, but regardless, many of the young adults who had been raised in the Church don’t have a strong understanding of what the Church teaches and why.
My boyfriend falls into this category. He grew up going to church and he knows his faith is important, but he was never given the resources to grow in his understanding. I, on the other hand, was incredibly blessed in my youth. God placed a number of people in my life at the right time to help me fan the flames and grow in spiritual maturity. I take very little credit for this. Those people were placed there by God’s grace and I was able to take advantage of them because of God’s grace.
Though this is absolutely a blessing, it also has its downsides. Because most of the Catholics my age including my boyfriend who I love dearly simply haven’t had the opportunity to grow in their understanding of the faith as I have, it is very difficult to fully share my faith with a significant other. With my boyfriend, he wants to learn, but I want to share in our faith together, not be his teacher. It’s much easier when we both push each other to grow in our faith, but because of where he is, I can’t justly ask that of him. Also, if I try to be his teacher, it puts us in an imbalanced relationship whereas I want us to be equals.
It also makes it very hard for us to have a pure relationship. My boyfriend knows that sex before mariage is a sin, but until I told him, he had no idea that many of the other sexual things were also a sin. Further, while he knew it was a sin, he didn’t understand why, making it much more difficult for him to adhere to it. Once again we have been very blessed that God has given us the grace to avoid intercourse, but we’ve slipped on occasion.
Any thoughts on how to handle a significant other who is at a different stage in his or her spiritual development?
Also, any tips for the two of us in regards to keeping our relationship chaste and focused on Christ?
Thanks!

I certainly think it’s understandable that you would want your boyfriend to, for example, know why contraception is wrong. I can appreciate that you don’t want to be in a position where it’s like you’re his teacher - or his mom. There is nothing wrong with you. My husband and I were in a similar position when we met, although we weren’t quite as far apart as it sounds like you guys are. We also had some issues with staying chaste, although we did manage to save the main event for the wedding night. I think the key here is that he wants to grow in his faith. There’s a big difference between a man who is hostile to the truth and a man who is ignorant to the truth (or some of it). If he is open to reading and learning, there is still a lot of potential for you guys, I think. My husband has now surpassed me in knowledge of the faith. He devours books on moral theology, etc., and loves these forums. He has learned so much. I spend my days changing diapers and soaking up his knowledge. So don’t underestimate your boyfriend; you never know. If you see signs that he is becoming hostile to the Church’s teachings, that’s a different story, but it doesn’t sound like that’s what’s happening here. And you don’t really have to take on the role of teacher. You can just lead or gently prod, and that might be enough. Suggest a book. Listen to a Catholic CD together. (We listened to Christopher West’s “Marriage and the Eucharist” together early on in our marriage and it was so wonderful and eye-opening and beautiful.) Watch a movie about a saint together. PRAY together. If he refuses to pray with you, that would be a red-flag for me. Hang out with other good Catholics. Go to Adoration together.

By the way, being alone in the house (mine or his) together before being married was too much temptation for us. Without that, we wouldn’t have been able to do so much sinning. Just something to think about.

 

[mrs_ahs]

I dont mean this post to be offensive but I think it needs to be said. CAF family life forum is becoming a place for women to come and complain about husbands, boyfriends and fiancee’s that are either non-believers or not raised in a devout Catholic family.

I don’t see that at all in the OP’s post. It doesn’t appear to me that she is complaining, but rather giving background information on the situation and genuinely asking for advice.

From reading these forums, you would think that young women are these saints that are trying to bring civilization to their straying men. You see this evem with older, married Catholic women on these forums complaining about their less than faithful, devout husband that refuses to share the faith and actively raise a family in the faith.

Well, perhaps YOU would think that, but that doesn’t mean everyone else does. Being in the situation of having a husband who does not share the faith or spritually lead his family as he should is painful, and a sad reality in the lives of many Catholic women.

Maybe I am just very conservative and averse to risk taking but since as Catholics we dont have divorce and the only way out is through an anullment which can be hard to get approved, so why dont Catholics looking for marriage try to find and pick the safest choice that will likely lead to a happy, successful marriage?

Why do you assume that they have not done this?

I dont really buy those arguments that the supply is low of young Catholic men that know the faith and are faithful. Ive seen many young Catholic women dating outside the faith while the good men are still single. If all the good Catholic men were taken, I might have more sympathy but when you write off most young Catholic men as not being faithful and educated in the faith, you write off a large portion of Catholic men. The good Catholic men are out there, if you want to find them.

It’s not an argument, it’s a fact. Since you are in your early 20s, according to your profile, I’m pretty sure you have not had time to scope out every geographical area in the country for the availability of good, single, Catholic men who are not enrolled in the seminary. I looked for a good, single Catholic man in my large urban area for years. I couldn’t find one who was not going to be a priest, who was interested in me. You can’t force attraction - one available Catholic woman and one available Catholic man does not an automatic match make. I had to join a website for single Catholics and move to another time zone to find my Mr. Right. This was despite praying, attending numerous conferences, prayer meetings, different parishes, retreats, etc.

Furthermore, just because a single Catholic man attends Mass and appears faithful does NOT mean he is marriage material. A single, faithful Catholic woman in my family has dated so many Catholic men that I have lost count. EVERY SINGLE TIME, the man appears to be faithful and decent by all accounts, but it turns out that they are all either alcoholic, like porn, can’t get an annulment, lied about being eligible for marriage, try to get her to have premarital sex after saying they didn’t believe in it, ditch her for no apparent reason, etc. There is no way to know some of these things before you enter into a relationship with someone. There is no way for YOU to know that all these “faithful” men are marriage material, unless you have dated them. And since you are male, I’m going to assume that is not the case.

 

[BigPuma]

Thank you to all who responded.

To those of you who pointed out what a blessing it is that he is open to learning, you are absolutely right. It could be much worse, and I am definitely lucky to have found a man who at least wants to grow in his faith. I will definitely hold onto that. It is still a difficult situation though, as at this point, we seem to speak different languages when we discuss our faith. I will continue to encourage him to seek opportunities to deepen his faith.

To those of you who expressed empathy as you find or have found yourself in a similar situation, thank you. It is good to know that we are not the only couple who finds ourselves in a difficult situation when it comes to sharing our faith. It is also good to know that there are couples who were able to grow together through similar situations. Know that I will be praying for all of you, and if I find something that helped us have a break through, I’ll be sure to pass it along.

mrs ahs, thank you for responding to JoeofCupertino. I agree with everything you said. I especially liked your comment,

You can’t force attraction - one available Catholic woman and one available Catholic man does not an automatic match make.

It is very true - I’ve met several great Catholic men, some of them eligible, but that doesn’t mean we would work together. Most of them are good friends of mine, but we aren’t attracted to each other. I’ve also met some great eligible Catholic men who I’m attracted to but who aren’t attracted to me. It doesn’t work that easily. Also, hank you for pointing out that my original post was not an attempt to complain or belittle my BF. If that were the case, I would have left him by now. I love him and really want things to work with us. BUT, like every relationship, we have our own struggles to work through, and I just want help working through this struggle. I think my post made it pretty clear that I don’t blame him or myself. Nor do I see myself as better than him. Like I said, I was greatly blessed to have had some amazing teachers in my youth, something very few Catholics my age can say, and it was completely by the grace of God that I had the opportunities I had to learn and grow in my faith.

 

[BigPuma]

Franciscanguy, I wanted to respond to your claim that I was talking down about my boyfriend.

I also kind of resent the way you are talking down about him. You sound like you are better than him because you are more “spiritual” how ever you define that. You dont need to be an apoligist to be a good Catholic.

If you read my original post, I tried to make it as clear as possible that I in no way see myself as better than him. I qualified my original statement about his less than stellar faith formation as being

through no fault of his own

and then went on to explain that this is common in our time.

As many of you twentysomethings and thirtysomethings (and probably even older) know, the Church has been lacking in providing the youth with solid Catechesis for a while now. Blame it on whatever you want, but regardless, many of the young adults who had been raised in the Church don’t have a strong understanding of what the Church teaches and why.

Then, when describing my own faith, I made it clear that I don’t take credit for it - it was all a blessing.

I, on the other hand, was incredibly blessed in my youth. God placed a number of people in my life at the right time to help me fan the flames and grow in spiritual maturity. I take very little credit for this. Those people were placed there by God’s grace and I was able to take advantage of them because of God’s grace.

I don’t see myself as better than my boyfriend, nor do I think that you have to “be an apoligist to be a good Catholic.” I think my boyfriend is a good Catholic. I’m simply saying, much like you said, that we are in different stages though neither is better. NOW, this doesn’t mean that we don’t have problems. All I am saying is that because we are in different stages (what I described as levels, though stages might be a better term), it is difficult for us to share our faith with each other. This is a real problem, no one’s fault. I simply want advice on how to work through this problem with him.
I really tried to not belittle my boyfriend in my post as I can see how presenting this problem could be misinterpreted this way. I’d appreciate if you could point out what made you think I was talking down about him as I’d like to learn from it how to communicate more clearly in the future. Thanks.

 

[Renewed_N_Faith]

Hi all! (Apologies ahead of time for the novel… I didn’t realize when first composing this reply that I had so much weighing on my heart…)

I have been wrestling with some of the same questions off and on with my boyfriend. We’ve talked about the differences in our faith and more often than not he gets upset asking why do we have to be on the “same page”… I get that we will grow sipiritually at different paces but if I might… Let me lay some foundation for my concern…

My boyfriend is now a Catholic. When we first started dating he was not but when he started asking questions about Catholic faith I found I couldn’t adequately answer them because I was a stray cradle catholic who hadn’t truly realized or repaired my own relationship with Christ and God. Long story short we both attended RCIA and he converted and I was finally confirmed.

He doesn’t attend mass with me even though I’ve asked, when discussing it he mentioned some struggles of his faith and relationship with God (due to his past, loosing all his family, and so on)

I’m worried that at times he is not interested in deepening his faith like he appeared to when we started RCIA. He also seems to hold a lot of vengeance and anger in his heart. I cant tell if these expressed feelings are a result of his battle with addiction to nicotine (which he’s trying to quit)… Or if he truly isn’t the Godly minded man he seemed to when we started dating.

Perhaps he is a man of faith but not one compatible - catholic convert or not. He’s never objected or stopped my attendance or participation In mass… But I fear our seemingly widening gap or differences will become a bigger issue. We’ve discussed marriage but I want a man who can lead any children we may be blessed with in active faith lives. I grew up in a C&E catholic home and while my dad is catholic and my mom is a convert… I often wish my dad would have (or would) show vibrant faith rather than saying doing so is being showy like the hypocrites (my dad actually told me I was doing this after I was confirmed in my faith and I was bursting with zeal and fire in my faith). I feel at times my boyfriend will end up being like my dad or grandfather… A man who believes but doesn’t practice/ attend but occasionly. I know peace and grace of God can be found anywhere but am I wrong to wish for a courageously Godly man? I love my boyfriend and I know he must walk his own journey in faith… Should I simply lead by example and see? I see glimpses of compassionate and kindhearted-ness but also flashes of darker emotions. I am an EMT so I know nicotine withdrawal (after 15+ years) of use will bring out all kinds of emotions and such but I worry it’s not just that.

I don’t know how to approach him about these issues or many things (such as chastity even into marriage as he is a very “passionate” and we’ve had trouble remaining chaste while dating… Or his comments about seeking vengeance should anyone hurt me or our family should we become married)… I have fears and doubts about these things in a future and don’t know if I need to simply be more patient and pray God softens his heart and breaks his addiction (which I already do)… Or if these things are a red flag of deeper issues. I have a feeling many of his troubles stem from his past and his fears of loosing another loved one… And him being super protective of me because of an incident in my past… Which he’s helped me heal from.

Advice would be greatly appreciated and prayers too! I truly need help on how to show him the way in faith as my bf asked me and to know what/ how to best approach these delicate subjects. We’ve gotten into arguments over the speed of his progress of quitting and his attendance at church. We haven’t discussed them in a while b/c of the arguments and stress he expressed at feeling pressured on the topics…but I truly feel he needs more “God time” in his life- wether that’s by my side in mass or not. I know his battle with addiction and stress (60hr work weeks and going back to school full time) has been very tough and I can’t fight these battles for him. I don’t want to make his stress worse by bringing up old arguments but I know I need to be honest about my feelings and worries.

I feel God has played a part in bringing my bf and I together…and carrying us through ups and downs. I just can’t tell if these worries are the attempts of the evil one to tempt me to doubt or meddle - or if its the Holy Spirit nagging lightly at me to try again in determining if my bf can/ should be the man I marry. We’ve been dating 3 yrs this Nov and I deeply love him but know these things must be settled if/ when we do ever become engaged/ begin formal preparation for marriage.