Dating someone with Bipolar?

[Luvz2travel]

Hey all,

Thanks again for your comments. I need to really talk with him so see where he’s at and how he manages his disease. Our work schedules have so far prevented this but I hope to get more information from him tonight. Though I don’t know if the phone is the best format. I’ve done some research and everyone’s concerns have been noted but until I know more about his experience I really can’t make a decision. I know have had people discount me right away because of my ADHD and while it really doesn’t effect my life all the much it scares people sometimes or just confuses them. As to taking the risk all relationships are a risk really especially in this day and age. I’ve been with a guy who seemed perfect till he found out he couldn’t control me then out of the blue went from nice guy to violent abuser…who knows maybe he was bipolar. My last ex was a narcissitic drama king who started out really nice then turned self obsorbed jerk. Neither was very honest at least this guy seems honest…the thing I need to find out is he completely honest with himself and does he take responsibility for whatever actions his disorder might cause him to do. I take responsibility for the things ADHD has caused me to forget or do. From my research that seems to be a big factor in the success of any treatement do they accept it and work on controlling it.

Keep me in your prayers.

 

[EasterJoy]

Hey all,

Thanks again for your comments. I need to really talk with him so see where he’s at and how he manages his disease. Our work schedules have so far prevented this but I hope to get more information from him tonight. Though I don’t know if the phone is the best format. I’ve done some research and everyone’s concerns have been noted but until I know more about his experience I really can’t make a decision. I know have had people discount me right away because of my ADHD and while it really doesn’t effect my life all the much it scares people sometimes or just confuses them. As to taking the risk all relationships are a risk really especially in this day and age. I’ve been with a guy who seemed perfect till he found out he couldn’t control me then out of the blue went from nice guy to violent abuser…who knows maybe he was bipolar. My last ex was a narcissitic drama king who started out really nice then turned self obsorbed jerk. Neither was very honest at least this guy seems honest…the thing I need to find out is he completely honest with himself and does he take responsibility for whatever actions his disorder might cause him to do. I take responsibility for the things ADHD has caused me to forget or do. From my research that seems to be a big factor in the success of any treatement do they accept it and work on controlling it.

Keep me in your prayers.

If the relationship progresses beyond the stage of initial interest, you might also talk to your ADHD coach about it or have a consultation with whoever is coaching him to manage his own temperament. In a way, you are both slow-water fish trying to swim you way in a fast-moving stream. Our society exacerbates the challenges you both face, after all. You are both going to be managing distractability and a disinclination to keep priorities in their place in a world where everyone is being asked to juggle more balls than common sense would say is a good idea for anybody! Your relationship wouldn’t be a blind-leading-the-blind situation, exactly, but you know what I mean. You’re going to have to be honest about what your issues are and consider with this fellow if the two of you can cook up enough structure between the two of you to get your bills paid on time and everyone to work and school every day.

If you know he is bipolar and he knows about what particular flavor of ADHD you have, you can decide if you want to get to know each other better. If that goes well, then you both definitely ought to have outside guidance before progressing to a more serious relationship. If this structure you’re considering is going to work, you’re really going to have to see to your scaffolding and your earthquake ties!!

 

[mjf001]

I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 13. The doctor told me I would be on medication for the rest of my life. I found myself on a cycle. They’d get me stable, I’d be okay for a couple of months, then the meds would stop working. It could take up to six months for them to find a dosage that could stabilize me. Then the cycle would start all over again. They did get me stable for two years. 2 years of hell. The mood swings stopped, but I was trapped in a low. Social thoughts I’d never had before assaulted me whenever I wasn’t busy with something. Afraid to admit them because I didn’t want to go back to the hospital. In desperation, I moved out on my own, stopped taking medication, and learned to listen to my head.
I have been off medication for 20 years, now. I went from being LDS, to atheist for more than a decade, and became Catholic in 2005. I have made enormous progress, without psychologists, without medication. I have a few close friends. I keep my life simple. I take responsibility for managing my illness. I have worked at the same company for 15 years and a good friend for 14 years.
I have never married, and after reading this thread and others like it over the years, I’m afraid I may never get the chance. Still, I hope, I pray, I keep moving forward. I do my best.
I’m not claiming my experience is the norm, I know it’s not. I’m not saying it would be easy to live with a bipolar. I know it’s not. I just find it hard to believe that it’s impossible. With a God centered life nothing is impossible.
In Christ,
Michael

 

[EasterJoy]

I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 13. The doctor told me I would be on medication for the rest of my life. I found myself on a cycle. They’d get me stable, I’d be okay for a couple of months, then the meds would stop working. It could take up to six months for them to find a dosage that could stabilize me. Then the cycle would start all over again. They did get me stable for two years. 2 years of hell. The mood swings stopped, but I was trapped in a low. Social thoughts I’d never had before assaulted me whenever I wasn’t busy with something. Afraid to admit them because I didn’t want to go back to the hospital. In desperation, I moved out on my own, stopped taking medication, and learned to listen to my head.
I have been off medication for 20 years, now. I went from being LDS, to atheist for more than a decade, and became Catholic in 2005. I have made enormous progress, without psychologists, without medication. I have a few close friends. I keep my life simple. I take responsibility for managing my illness. I have worked at the same company for 15 years and a good friend for 14 years.
I have never married, and after reading this thread and others like it over the years, I’m afraid I may never get the chance. Still, I hope, I pray, I keep moving forward. I do my best.
I’m not claiming my experience is the norm, I know it’s not. I’m not saying it would be easy to live with a bipolar. I know it’s not. I just find it hard to believe that it’s impossible. With a God centered life nothing is impossible.
In Christ,
Michael

When I met my husband, I was impressed by the people whom he had impressed. I like to say he “came with papers.” If you have been taking care of your challenges well for 14 years, you are ahead of most of the rest of the world, bipolar or not. If you meet someone and start to date, she’ll have some peace of mind from having met your friends and knowing that they trust you to be managing your “ride” with both hands on the wheel and all wheels on the pavement most of the time, even if it gets a little wild at times. Many women would be willing to sign on for that! No matter who you are, you only have to find one, and have a relationship with that one. It does not matter what everyone else thinks.

 

[Luvz2travel]

I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 13. The doctor told me I would be on medication for the rest of my life. I found myself on a cycle. They’d get me stable, I’d be okay for a couple of months, then the meds would stop working. It could take up to six months for them to find a dosage that could stabilize me. Then the cycle would start all over again. They did get me stable for two years. 2 years of hell. The mood swings stopped, but I was trapped in a low. Social thoughts I’d never had before assaulted me whenever I wasn’t busy with something. Afraid to admit them because I didn’t want to go back to the hospital. In desperation, I moved out on my own, stopped taking medication, and learned to listen to my head.
I have been off medication for 20 years, now. I went from being LDS, to atheist for more than a decade, and became Catholic in 2005. I have made enormous progress, without psychologists, without medication. I have a few close friends. I keep my life simple. I take responsibility for managing my illness. I have worked at the same company for 15 years and a good friend for 14 years.
I have never married, and after reading this thread and others like it over the years, I’m afraid I may never get the chance. Still, I hope, I pray, I keep moving forward. I do my best.
I’m not claiming my experience is the norm, I know it’s not. I’m not saying it would be easy to live with a bipolar. I know it’s not. I just find it hard to believe that it’s impossible. With a God centered life nothing is impossible.
In Christ,
Michael

Hey there’s always hope. I had ADHD and no one really defined it and had a set treateent or even had a name for it when I was a kid beyond hyperactivity. I was classified with a learning disability and thrown into special school district. I never bought the learning disability because I was smart and had a high reading level. My math grades were terrible but that’s because no one bothered to explain math to me and it bored me to death. If I was encourage and engaged I did fine but no one ever tried to engage my interest in a subject so if I didn’t have a natural interest in it I did poorly. They didn’t know what to do with ADHD people or how to treate it. I read a book back in the 90s called “Driven to Distraction” that started my journey to proper diagnosis and treatment. I learned how to manage it better and why I had the social issues I had which I worked my way out of eventually. I live a normal life and beyond having to write verbal instructions down and not being able to study for more than 20 minutes at a time I don’t really feel different in any way.

 

[CatholicSheila]

If their condition is controlled with medications you wouldn’t even know they have a problem. They have to mindful of their diagnosis, take care of their self, get enough sleep, take their meds, eat right, maybe exercise–hey, it’s good health habits we all need to be practicing.

This can the reality for people with bi-polar. People just don’t realise it, because of the attitudes shown on this board. For all the bad stories, consider the good stories you don’t hear because, if you had bipolar would you tell someone considering the views on this thread, even if you were stable? Reading this thread tells me I’m insane if I tell someone I have bi-polar. I’m going to get judged as a lost cause, no matter what.

I manage my bi-polar. I have good doctors that I trust, and that I listen to. I’ve had to learn the hard way some things that others find easy. It is doable though.

One example is money. Yes, bi-polar makes financial management hard. Not impossible. You have techniques that others don’t need, but if you use them you’re fine. I am better at managing financially than most people I know and have a lot less stress around money. I honestly can’t remember the last time I had a bill that was late. I know electricity is $200 a quarter, so every pay packet I pay $30 towards it. I don’t even see the money. I do this for every bill - In the last year I’ve probably had $100 due that was unexpected across all my bills. So, yes sometimes I spend when I shouldn’t, but it is money I’ve put aside to “spend when I shouldn’t” the rest is gone, either to bills or to savings or to other necessities. I choose not to have a credit card - can’t spend big on something you don’t have, which keeps me out of further trouble. If I want to go on a shopping spree I could get a credit card, but by the time it arrives I’d no longer want to go shopping. I’ve moved on. It is entirely doable. It is all about having strategies to manage it.

I have the same in every area of my life that needs it. And truthfully, it isn’t any different than any of my non bi-polar family and friends. They have different strategies, because they have different challenges, but every successful person has a strategy about how they go about life.

Yet apparently I am not even worth taking even 10 minutes to consider marrying me. I should be dumped the moment someone finds out I have bipolar - with no consideration of the actual reality of my life.

A few years ago this would have upset me. Now I consider it the lose of those making the judgments. If someone can’t treat me with christian charity, then they’re not worth having in my life. It’s just sad that that seems to be the case for the majority in this thread, on a supposedly Christian board.

 

[CatholicSheila]

. He said he had an episode and was hospitalized a few years ago this is what concerns me.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It may actually mean the opposite of what you think it means. I’ve been hospitalised - what it means is that I acknowledged there was a problem and I was willing to do anything and everything to get it managed.

If someone was diagnoised with cancer, would you be more concerned about the person who went in for treatment, or the person who knew it was treatable but refused? Yet, agreeing to treatment for bi-polar is somehow a bad thing? It’s much better than refusing it.

 

[mjf001]

When I met my husband, I was impressed by the people whom he had impressed. I like to say he “came with papers.” If you have been taking care of your challenges well for 14 years, you are ahead of most of the rest of the world, bipolar or not. If you meet someone and start to date, she’ll have some peace of mind from having met your friends and knowing that they trust you to be managing your “ride” with both hands on the wheel and all wheels on the pavement most of the time, even if it gets a little wild at times. Many women would be willing to sign on for that! No matter who you are, you only have to find one, and have a relationship with that one. It does not matter what everyone else thinks.

Thank you. Yes, I have challenges. I think we all have challenges, ups and downs. People with bipolar have different challenges, and we’re all a little different. My only point was I am not my illness, and I don’t really think other people with mental illnesses, or difficulties, want to be judged that way - we’re people. I don’t want to be judged by my illness, but by who I am and what I do. Just like everyone else. That was the main point of my post.

Michael

 

[Xantippe]

“Yet apparently I am not even worth taking even 10 minutes to consider marrying me. I should be dumped the moment someone finds out I have bipolar - with no consideration of the actual reality of my life.”

You sound like you’re doing very well.

Out of curiosity, though, how big a problem would it be for you to be pregnant? Would you be able to safely take your medications?

 

[CatholicSheila]

“Yet apparently I am not even worth taking even 10 minutes to consider marrying me. I should be dumped the moment someone finds out I have bipolar - with no consideration of the actual reality of my life.”

You sound like you’re doing very well.

Out of curiosity, though, how big a problem would it be for you to be pregnant? Would you be able to safely take your medications?

I am on two medications. One has a high risk of birth defects, one doesn’t have any known effects on pregnancy - it is the latter that I take predominantly for bi-polar. The one with birth defects is primarily for anxiety, and anxiety can be managed in other ways.

At my doctors prompting, we are actually slowly reducing the former. She hopes to get me off it completely - if anything I am the one who is very hesitant. I am asking that we do it slower than she suggested! My anxiety only became manageable once I started getting treatment for the bipolar, (because it was not diagnosed, not because other methods didn’t work). As a result I do find it difficult to work out, for myself, which medication is doing what. I’d rather drop it slowly so I’m confident it won’t play havoc with my bi-polar, but I should be off it by end of year. According to the doc anyway.

If I was to get pregnant, or be at risk of pregnancy, I would have to stop this medication. I have found however that lifestyle changes, mainly dietary, have a bigger impact on my anxiety than the medication ever has. This is why my doctor wants to stop it. Managing the anxiety naturally is much healthier and more effective.

This is also part of the reason I choose not to date - it would be very difficult to be open to life on this medication, at least if I want to be responsible. There are also a few other things I want to sort out before I even consider committing to a marriage - it’s a multi-faceted decision not to date. My way of managing my life as it stands now.

Or, for the short answer. No, my bi-polar medication is fine for pregnancy.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you. Yes, I have challenges. I think we all have challenges, ups and downs. People with bipolar have different challenges, and we’re all a little different. My only point was I am not my illness, and I don’t really think other people with mental illnesses, or difficulties, want to be judged that way - we’re people. I don’t want to be judged by my illness, but by who I am and what I do. Just like everyone else. That was the main point of my post.

Michael

Not everything that is improved with medical care is an illness. For instance, an elite athlete will not be elite for very long if they do not have top-notch trainers and modern physical care, because how they compete stresses their bodies too much. Their training and competition schedule is also simply too demanding. Just so, I think that some people with a bipolar diagnosis would be able to get along without advanced medical care or professional help in building strategies to cope if what we all have to cope with wasn’t such a bad fit for their particular challenges.

There are some mental illnesses, in contrast, that put a person at a handicap in every situation. For instance, dementia (the loss of previously-attained mental capacity) is not a challenge that is the flip side of an unusual capacity. On the other extreme, some very capable athletes put stresses on their bodies that someone who was less capable couldn’t put on their bodies–in a way, it is their ability, not their inability, that puts the stress on them. Most challenges are somewhere along a continuum that goes from illnesses that are 100% incapacitating all the way to abilities that make life more difficult by reason of the very fact of how extremely capable the person is. I think that perhaps bipolar and ADHD, in the big picture, has aspects of both.

 

[Xantippe]

“I think that perhaps bipolar and ADHD, in the big picture, has aspects of both.”

And the autism spectrum, too.

 

[EasterJoy]

“I think that perhaps bipolar and ADHD, in the big picture, has aspects of both.”

And the autism spectrum, too.

Yes, I think so. Any anthropologist sent from our not-too-distant past (let alone our far distant past!!) might well wonder how any normal human being could live in our society and not feel overstimulated!

 

[Luvz2travel]

“Yet apparently I am not even worth taking even 10 minutes to consider marrying me. I should be dumped the moment someone finds out I have bipolar - with no consideration of the actual reality of my life.”

You sound like you’re doing very well.

Out of curiosity, though, how big a problem would it be for you to be pregnant? Would you be able to safely take your medications?

I had people dump me over the ADHD so I can sympathize. As to the other at 43 I find that highly unlikely. I’m not medicated by the way I use diet and exercise. Strangely enough a overdose of sugar has some of the same effect on me as being drunk so I very carefully will my sugar intake. As I kid I wasn’t allowed much sugar…smart move by my parents…

 

[Luvz2travel]

Yes, I think so. Any anthropologist sent from our not-too-distant past (let alone our far distant past!!) might well wonder how any normal human being could live in our society and not feel overstimulated!

ADHD or ADD is mostly like flipping the channels on the tv your mind is constantly looking for stimulation. Basically it can he hard to focus and stay focused for a long period of type. Bipolar and Autism are two completely different disordered from what I’ve read. One is more on the lines of a mental mania such as depression the other is social and awareness of the outside world. ADHD can have depression, anxiety and dependence issues tied to it but nothing on the lever with bipolar from what I read.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Hey all thanks for your responses all were appreciated. I finally talked with him today but wasn’t up to going into heavy issues as I am tired from weekend activities and just wanted to crash tonight and not deal with anything. He wanted to meet and discuss all this I think but I sort of chickened out I guess. I told him I could be friends for now but before anymore I would need to know more about his experience and how he deals with it. He said he’s been stable for awhile but like I said I wasn’t up to discussing heavy issues tonight maybe that’s bad of me I don’t know. He said he would call again. I’m not sure if he will be I’ll set up a time to get this out in the open if he does. He wanted to know where I stood and I tried to be honest. I wish I was up to some heavy conversation but when I was a few days ago he didn’t call me back.

 

[EasterJoy]

Hey all thanks for your responses all were appreciated. I finally talked with him today but wasn’t up to going into heavy issues as I am tired from weekend activities and just wanted to crash tonight and not deal with anything. He wanted to meet and discuss all this I think but I sort of chickened out I guess. I told him I could be friends for now but before anymore I would need to know more about his experience and how he deals with it. He said he’s been stable for awhile but like I said I wasn’t up to discussing heavy issues tonight maybe that’s bad of me I don’t know. He said he would call again. I’m not sure if he will be I’ll set up a time to get this out in the open if he does. He wanted to know where I stood and I tried to be honest. I wish I was up to some heavy conversation but when I was a few days ago he didn’t call me back.

When it comes to helping someone else manage their challenges, the first thing is to allow yourself to manage your own challenges, too…so no, it was not bad of you to be honest and to say that you weren’t up to discussing heavy issues. The alternative was to have a discussion and to do a poor job of it. There will be times in life when you have to rise to an occasion you aren’t up to, but this wasn’t one of them.

 

[Xantippe]

“He said he’s been stable for awhile but like I said I wasn’t up to discussing heavy issues tonight maybe that’s bad of me I don’t know.”

No, that’s fine. It needs to be at a time when both of you are feeling your best.

In any case, this thread suggests that going slow is a good idea (although not even that always works). There’s no reason to rush–nothing’s on fire.

 

[Luvz2travel]

“He said he’s been stable for awhile but like I said I wasn’t up to discussing heavy issues tonight maybe that’s bad of me I don’t know.”

No, that’s fine. It needs to be at a time when both of you are feeling your best.

In any case, this thread suggests that going slow is a good idea (although not even that always works). There’s no reason to rush–nothing’s on fire.

That’s true nothing is on fire. I’m actually suffering from anxiety at the moment due to more house issues. I think I have critters in my attic and I can’t get a contractor to come fix the gaps where they may be getting in. Other house worries as well. I long for the days of renting but can’t afford to sell the at the moment. I’m financially drained.

 

[DaveBj]

That’s true nothing is on fire. I’m actually suffering from anxiety at the moment due to more house issues. I think I have critters in my attic and I can’t get a contractor to come fix the gaps where they may be getting in. Other house worries as well. I long for the days of renting but can’t afford to sell the at the moment. I’m financially drained.

This is off-topic, but the critters may not actually be in your attic. We thought the same thing for several years, but then I realized that the squirrels were actually holding disco parties on the roof itself, and the plywood sheets making up the roof (under the shingles) were acting like a drumhead and transmitting the vibrations into the beams that make up the structure of the house.