Dating Standards

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annie17on12

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It is my opinion that Catholics should look for other Catholics who are equally as spiritual. This has both kept me single, and at the same time saved me from potentially disastrous relationships. I wonder sometimes, however, if my “patience” is a bit too patient. I worry that my standards are too high for subconscious reasons (i.e. fear of relationships etc.). Is it excessive to not date a person because of bad habits such as swearing, for example? What should make the list? Sometimes I feel like I want to marry a person who is already a saint and I just wonder if I am being ridiculous.

For a long time I always thought I needed a guy to be my other half (I know, its bad), I just couldn’t see how you could have a heart fully set on God and still want to date, but I have recently come to the point where I am totally happy being single as long as God wills it. I am finally content being single. I guess I have stopped thinking that the right guy is “just around the river-bend”. I have begun to wonder if God wants me to be single forever (like as a calling). I am not sure what my heart wants really except for God. Thoughts? 😊
 
It is not excessive not to consider marrying a man who swears. If the words just slip out due to previous bad habits now repented of then that’s one thing - but swearing, if it is obscene (such as the ‘f’ word), is probably a mortal sin. Remember that you are choosing the father of your children. Remember too that a wife must obey her husband in matters reasonable, even if she does not agree with his decision and even if he is unreasonable it will be difficult to resist him without disturbing the peace and order of the family; You do not want a husband who wants you to live a worldly life and drag your children from sanctity.

The celibate life for God is objectively better, so someone who is seeking to do the perfect will of God should not marry unless the circumstances prove that marriage is God’s will for them.
 
annie17on12 said:
It is my opinion that Catholics should look for other Catholics who are equally as spiritual. This has both kept me single, and at the same time saved me from potentially disastrous relationships. I wonder sometimes, however, if my “patience” is a bit too patient. I worry that my standards are too high for subconscious reasons (i.e. fear of relationships etc.). Is it excessive to not date a person because of bad habits such as swearing, for example? What should make the list? Sometimes I feel like I want to marry a person who is already a saint and I just wonder if I am being ridiculous.

For a long time I always thought I needed a guy to be my other half (I know, its bad), I just couldn’t see how you could have a heart fully set on God and still want to date, but I have recently come to the point where I am totally happy being single as long as God wills it. I am finally content being single. I guess I have stopped thinking that the right guy is “just around the river-bend”. I have begun to wonder if God wants me to be single forever (like as a calling). I am not sure what my heart wants really except for God. Thoughts? 😊
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Right now I think your approach is working for you, if you are content.

You have to determine what the “non-negotiables” are for you. I think it’s wise for you to only consider seriously dating people who take their Catholic faith seriously. At the same time, though, one thing that gave me pause was when you said “equally as spiritual.” How would you know this? Would their faith practice have to look the exact same as yours? There are a lot of ways of living one’s faith in daily life and multiple ways to sainthood (look at the variety of practices of the canonized saints, for example.) That doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t want somebody who was similar in your approach - just pointing out that a person could be very devout even if, say, their job prevented them from daily Mass attendance or if they were involved in very different ministries.

There’s also things that are difficult to know about a person until you’ve known them a long time. If someone is a habitual swearer, that would be a turn off for me. If the habit is right in front and center and they’re only an acquaintance of yours, there’s no reason to expect that it would be any better in private - at best it’s the same. Still, I’d be more likely to maintain interest in a person who I’d only known to swear that one time they dropped a hammer on their thumb.
 
annie17on12 said:
What should make the list?
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Your list is YOUR list. Not anyone else’s. We cannot tell you what should be on your list. No one can tell you that X or Y thing is irrelevant. If it’s important to YOU, then it should be on the list.

My now-DH and I both made lists and exchanged them.
 
recentrevert said:
It is not excessive not to consider marrying a man who swears. If the words just slip out due to previous bad habits now repented of then that’s one thing - but swearing, if it is obscene (such as the ‘f’ word), is probably a mortal sin. Remember that you are choosing the father of your children. Remember too that a wife must obey her husband in matters reasonable, even if she does not agree with his decision and even if he is unreasonable it will be difficult to resist him without disturbing the peace and order of the family; You do not want a husband who wants you to live a worldly life and drag your children from sanctity.

The celibate life for God is objectively better, so someone who is seeking to do the perfect will of God should not marry unless the circumstances prove that marriage is God’s will for them./QUOTE

I would also add that a man who swears in front of others deliberately is either very bad mannered and paganised or very ignorant. Does he even want a good Catholic wife?
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If you are at peace with being single, there is nothing wrong with that. Society will tell you that being paired up is the norm, but how many people are in bad relationships just because they don’t want to be alone?

On the other hand, if you really do feel a desire to date (and remember, not all dates lead to marriage!) you have to be wise with how your standards limit your dating pool.

Let’s say that you start with a room of 100 men. If you wanted someone with at least average looks, faith, and wealth you’d statistically whittle your dating pool down to a handful of men (remember, not everyone is even average in those qualities, and when you put them together, well…). If you were to make any of those qualities ‘above average’, you narrow it down even further, and if you were to ad a fourth criteria, say ‘above average sense of humor’, you might even be down to zero!

So you REALLY have to figure out what your non-negotiables are, and I think that’s part of what dating is all about.

Maybe right now (this is ONLY an example, I’m not presuming anything about you) you think that you want to find a man that goes to daily mass. Then you meet someone, who is great, and is faithful but doesn’t go to daily mass. Was that really important in the first place?

I just mean that you should let God surprise you with someone who maybe you wouldn’t have thought of before.

Peace
Stephen
 
pensmama87 said:
Right now I think your approach is working for you, if you are content.

You have to determine what the “non-negotiables” are for you. I think it’s wise for you to only consider seriously dating people who take their Catholic faith seriously. At the same time, though, one thing that gave me pause was when you said “equally as spiritual.” How would you know this? Would their faith practice have to look the exact same as yours? There are a lot of ways of living one’s faith in daily life and multiple ways to sainthood (look at the variety of practices of the canonized saints, for example.) That doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t want somebody who was similar in your approach - just pointing out that a person could be very devout even if, say, their job prevented them from daily Mass attendance or if they were involved in very different ministries.

There’s also things that are difficult to know about a person until you’ve known them a long time. If someone is a habitual swearer, that would be a turn off for me. If the habit is right in front and center and they’re only an acquaintance of yours, there’s no reason to expect that it would be any better in private - at best it’s the same. Still, I’d be more likely to maintain interest in a person who I’d only known to swear that one time they dropped a hammer on their thumb.
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I think I should have used different phrasing for equally spiritual. I think I mean equally yoked.
 
annie17on12 said:
It is my opinion that Catholics should look for other Catholics who are equally as spiritual. This has both kept me single, and at the same time saved me from potentially disastrous relationships. I wonder sometimes, however, if my “patience” is a bit too patient. I worry that my standards are too high for subconscious reasons (i.e. fear of relationships etc.). Is it excessive to not date a person because of bad habits such as swearing, for example? What should make the list? Sometimes I feel like I want to marry a person who is already a saint and I just wonder if I am being ridiculous.

For a long time I always thought I needed a guy to be my other half (I know, its bad), I just couldn’t see how you could have a heart fully set on God and still want to date, but I have recently come to the point where I am totally happy being single as long as God wills it. I am finally content being single. I guess I have stopped thinking that the right guy is “just around the river-bend”. I have begun to wonder if God wants me to be single forever (like as a calling). I am not sure what my heart wants really except for God. Thoughts? 😊
Click to expand...
I HIGHLY recommend the book, “The ACSs of Choosing a Good Husband” (amazon.com/The-ABCs-Choosing-Good-Husband/dp/0965858243). It helps you analyze what you want in a future spouse! I’ll be praying for you! God bless.
 
They are YOUR standards. You can change them when you want, you can add to the list or take away from them the list.
I think everyone’s standards are different and what you want or what you are willing to put up with isn’t for everyone. And I think standards should go beyond the religious aspect.
 
Your list has to be a sliding scale, one area compensates for anther area; with the exception of a few key categories.
 
AtomicB said:
Your list has to be a sliding scale, one area compensates for anther area; with the exception of a few key categories.
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That’s probably a good way of looking at it. Basically there are minimum requirements and preferences/nice to haves.

One thing I would be careful about is assuming that someone is static. I am not the same person my wife married 21 years ago. I’m also not the same person she started dating 3 years before that.

The thing to look for is the capacity to grow. The rough stone in the field may become a gem with some care and polishing. It might also just be a stone that you pass up after careful consideration. In other words don’t simply pass a possibility simply because it’s not perfect. The whole point of dating is to see the possibilities and flaws each of us have. Not all flaws are fatal. As my wife and I always say, we are each trying to help each other become saints. Personally, I am glad I found someone who cares enough to look beyond what I am and rather to what I could be.
 
dating a catholic girl for 4months now. We are happy. but hey everyone is different. Just becareful of religions that say “Don’t love the outsiders”
 
recentrevert said:
It is not excessive not to consider marrying a man who swears. If the words just slip out due to previous bad habits now repented of then that’s one thing - but swearing, if it is obscene (such as the ‘f’ word), is probably a mortal sin. .
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Nope. Using the name of the Lord in vain, yes. The ‘f’ word is vulgar, but not a mortal sin.
 
recentrevert said:
It is not excessive not to consider marrying a man who swears. If the words just slip out due to previous bad habits now repented of then that’s one thing - but swearing, if it is obscene (such as the ‘f’ word), is probably a mortal sin. Remember that you are choosing the father of your children. Remember too that a wife must obey her husband in matters reasonable, even if she does not agree with his decision and even if he is unreasonable it will be difficult to resist him without disturbing the peace and order of the family; You do not want a husband who wants you to live a worldly life and drag your children from sanctity.

The celibate life for God is objectively better, so someone who is seeking to do the perfect will of God should not marry unless the circumstances prove that marriage is God’s will for them.
Click to expand...
The bolded is patently false. The Catholic Church has never and will never teach that a wife must obey a husband’s unreasonable demand/request. In fact, the Church teaches the exact opposite.
 
thewanderer said:
The bolded is patently false. The Catholic Church has never and will never teach that a wife must obey a husband’s unreasonable demand/request. In fact, the Church teaches the exact opposite.
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I think that the bolded was a statement about pragmatics rather than how things ought to be, and I think it is correct: “even if she does not agree with his decision and even if he is unreasonable it will be difficult to resist him without disturbing the peace and order of the family.”
 
Xantippe said:
I think that the bolded was a statement about pragmatics rather than how things ought to be, and I think it is correct: “even if she does not agree with his decision and even if he is unreasonable it will be difficult to resist him without disturbing the peace and order of the family.”
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Then it is completely irrelevant to the point being made. Of course the peace and order of the family will be disturbed if one of the spouses is being unreasonable, however thats not the reasonable spouses fault, nor does it mean the wife ought to obey unreasonable demands “just to keep the peace”. In fact, the Church is quite clear in its teaching that if the husband is not living up to his job of leading the family in a Christlike manner then it is the wifes responsibility to step in and do it instead, not to let him lead the family down a destructive path out of a misguided attempt to “keep the peace”.

Edit to add:

Also, as a side-note, it is not true to say that a wife must obey her husband so long as he thinks he is being reasonable, if she is convinced he is being unreasonable and will cause harm/damage to the family then it is her responsibilty to stay true to her conscience and call him out on it.
 
Before you make a laundry list of what your require in a potential husband (should you be called to married life) here is an interesting article that talks about making lists like that.

nypost.com/2014/02/02/for-real-long-lasting-love-the-no-1-trait-to-seek-is-niceness-expert/
That’s because in love, as with genies, we only get three wishes, says relationship expert Ty Tashiro. The more traits you pick that are above the average, the lower the statistical odds that you’ll find a match. And three is the tipping point.
Click to expand...
 
thewanderer said:
The bolded is patently false. The Catholic Church has never and will never teach that a wife must obey a husband’s unreasonable demand/request. In fact, the Church teaches the exact opposite.
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The grammar is a little convoluted, but he was saying that even if a wife rightly opposes a husband who has gone beyond the boundaries of Christian behavior, just the opposition upsets the peace of the family. On that account, it is not wise to marry someone who presents the probability of regular contentiousness because he unreasonably wants the right to do these things that his prospective wife can see are unacceptable.

This is advice that I give my nieces and nephews, which is to say: You’re going to give the vote to your spouse, sometimes, no matter how traditional and male you are. Marry someone you think has pretty good judgment even on his or her worst day. You won’t agree on everything, but marry someone that you respect even when you disagree. There is give and take in marriage, and you don’t want to be constantly faced with the choice of putting up with something you can’t respect or else kicking up strife over it. Then when you give in to what your spouse wants over what you wanted to do, no matter how it turns out you can stick with your spouse and say, “We decided. We will live with the consequences.” When you aren’t around and he or she has to make an executive decision, you can say, “Hey, we do the best we can and we live with what we decide.” That spares your spouse the fear of getting an “I told you so” when they convince you to do things his or her way. You can only do that with someone whose judgment you respect (or the mendacity of giving this kind of support will drive you bananas).
 
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