Dating Suggestions?

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sjangelini

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Hello All,

Reposted this after putting it in the vocations forum. Hope this is the right place?

I was wondering if anyone had any ideas about how to meeting quality Catholic young men.

I am asking because I am 29 and I feel like I have tried everything and despite being cute, hard working, devout and fun (don’t mean to brag, just trying to give background), I have come up with nothing. I am actually a very happy person and completely trust God. I know He hears me and sees me and will do what is best for me, even if that means I remain single. Ultimately, I am okay and will be okay. But I want to make sure I am doing everything I can to make my vocation possible.

I live in Boston and I am on Catholic Match. Haven’t had any luck on that site or Ave Maria Singles. Don’t bother suggesting meeting someone at Church - I have gone to a number of parishes over the years, including those with young adult groups. To be honest, I am generally the only person my age in church, male or female. Also, I have already gone to St. Clements a bunch of times and there doesn’t seem to be much happening there.

So, any suggestions? Is there some awesome fun group, activity, something, I am missing?

Thanks CA community!
 
Do you get the “emails” from the arch dio? There are constantly things happening. They have spectacular events. Slummer…err…summerville has a good YA group. Theyre’s LIFT and getting involved with the Steubie East. Most youth ministers are (single) Catholic young adults.

About Ave Maria. Maybe you just had terrible luck. I am 20-50 mi from Boston. I had many local finds, some loosers, some great. I had some good dates that, fortunatly for me, didnt go anwhere or I’d never of met my FH. I also did the long distance thing, though not to the point of exclusivity. But a few I considered doing do…but it didnt work for various reasons.

I am 28 btw. I am average height, weight, looks, Catholic lifestyle. Dunno why things aren’t working out for you… Sorry to hear.
 
Unfortunately, you’re already trying everything I would suggest. But you need to take it up a notch, as I will explain in a bit.

I actually did meet my wife on Catholicmatch, way back when it was small and called St. Raphael, and actually was Catholic. The arguments in the forums then were not so much about Church teaching, but who was more Catholic in their adherence to them. I hear things changed after it got huge. But that’s not the point I’m trying to make.

I met my wife at a CM gathering. We were not on each others’ match lists, because we lived too far apart, and neither one of us was looking for a long distance relationship. We had interacted some on the forums, and when we met at the event we “clicked.” And then we started email conversations and it just grew from there.

So, my advice is to go to any CM events near you. Or even far away if you can afford it. Don’t expect to get lucky right away. But at least you’ll have narrowed the field to the guys who are actually willing to** do** something to find a gal. My experience from several events is that the women severely outnumber the men, I’d say by about 4:1. Which is great if you’re a guy, but try telling them that! In the men-only forum, guys would be begging other men to come to an event because it would be 12 women and him! Too often someone would comment, “If I’m not doing anything else that weekend, maybe I’ll stop by.” I never understood why he wouldn’t make *that *the anything he’s doing that weekend. Perhaps he just joined the site so he could get a nagging mother off his back…

Anyway, the sad fact I discovered (in general) is that a woman will do something she doesn’t much care for if it means a chance to meet a guy, but a man will not go to something he doesn’t like, even if he’ll have 12 women vying for his attention. So a guy at a singles gathering has already set himself apart from the rest.
 
Ideas:

(1) Opus Dei. Attend the educational meetings they have for lay women. Most of the women will be married with children. But maybe they’ll like you and will introduce you to good single Catholic men.

As you probably know, lay Catholics who attend Opus Dei meetings are very devout and very committed to the Church. People at Opus Dei meetings also tend to be professionals, or upper class people, based on the ones I attended.

See: opusdei.us/sec.php?s=379

(2) Get a Master’s Degree in Catholic Theology or Catechesis. Meet guys in program. Or, at least take a class offered in such a program. The men in such classes will be serious, smart, high achieving Catholics, in general.

(3) Take vacations to countries with high densities of Catholics. Italy. Mexico. Argentina. Poland. Spain. Ireland. Do things that will facilitate the meeting of single men. Maybe learn the native language if you have time. I know this is a bit extreme, but you asked for ideas! You do want to get married, don’t you?

(4) Do you need to learn more about the “dance” whereby a woman doesn’t pursue a single man she happens to meet, but sends the signals that she wants him to pursue her?
Women gotta send those signals. Guys are busy. They can’t start pursuing every cute 29 year old they happen to meet.

(5) Toni Coleman, MSW, dating and relationship coach. I have used her services. I got an hour consultation with her that really helped out a relationship! She seems to be FULL of wisdom, insight, common sense, and caring.
consum-mate.com/index.htm

Best wishes. This is really doable. This isn’t rocket science.

But, I think you might want to consider that maybe YOU have been doing something that has been thwarting your mission to get married to a good Catholic guy, even if you can’t see right now what that might be.
 
I once heard from a priest to look for the guy/girl who’s always going to Confession, as it’s a sign they’re trying to live a devout and virtuous life. Have you tried frequenting Confession? It’s probably not the best time to ask someone out, but you’ll get an idea of who the devout virtuous ones are.

My dad recommended driving my car into a snow bank and to whichever guy stopped to help you out, you ask him out to go for coffee “as a means of thanking him.” I tried it once at school when I accidentally skidded on some ice and accidentally ended up in a snowbank. It didn’t work for me, but I’m sure with enough attempts it could work. I don’t recommend this if you drive a car with flimsy plastic bumpers that break if you look at them funny.
 
Deo_Gratias42 said:
I once heard from a priest to look for the guy/girl who’s always going to Confession, as it’s a sign they’re trying to live a devout and virtuous life. Have you tried frequenting Confession? It’s probably not the best time to ask someone out, but you’ll get an idea of who the devout virtuous ones are.

My dad recommended driving my car into a snow bank and to whichever guy stopped to help you out, you ask him out to go for coffee “as a means of thanking him.” I tried it once at school when I accidentally skidded on some ice and accidentally ended up in a snowbank. It didn’t work for me, but I’m sure with enough attempts it could work. I don’t recommend this if you drive a car with flimsy plastic bumpers that break if you look at them funny.
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That is so funny! What do you put on the accident? Lovestruck? 😉 I’ve never done that, but I did flirt my way out of a speeding ticket once.
 
SeaShoreGirl said:
Do you get the “emails” from the arch dio? There are constantly things happening. They have spectacular events. Slummer…err…summerville has a good YA group. Theyre’s LIFT and getting involved with the Steubie East. Most youth ministers are (single) Catholic young adults.

About Ave Maria. Maybe you just had terrible luck. I am 20-50 mi from Boston. I had many local finds, some loosers, some great. I had some good dates that, fortunatly for me, didnt go anwhere or I’d never of met my FH. I also did the long distance thing, though not to the point of exclusivity. But a few I considered doing do…but it didnt work for various reasons.

I am 28 btw. I am average height, weight, looks, Catholic lifestyle. Dunno why things aren’t working out for you… Sorry to hear.
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Hi SeaShoreGirl!

Don’t know what the deal is with Ave Maria. Maybe it’s just my area? MA is pretty weak in the faithful Catholic department. Thanks for your other suggestions though - there were some things I haven’t heard of and I will check them out. Do you have a link for LIFT?

That’s cool you are from MA. It is alway nice to meet other Catholics in the area. 🙂

Stephanie
 
sjangelini said:
That is so funny! What do you put on the accident? Lovestruck? 😉 I’ve never done that, but I did flirt my way out of a speeding ticket once.
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I actually was pulled out of the snow by a random guy. We went on a few dates. He was WONDERFUL, however, he wasnt Christian and though believed in every single moral think I did. (including no sex before marriage, etc) he thought he should be able to “decided his own” morals…:rolleyes: whatever that means…which is why the relationship didn’t last.
 
sjangelini said:
Hi SeaShoreGirl!

Don’t know what the deal is with Ave Maria. Maybe it’s just my area? MA is pretty weak in the faithful Catholic department. Thanks for your other suggestions though - there were some things I haven’t heard of and I will check them out. Do you have a link for LIFT?

That’s cool you are from MA. It is alway nice to meet other Catholics in the area. 🙂

Stephanie
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With Ave don’t be afraid to look outside your geographic area. There are a couple of weirdos on the site around Boston…or were last year (this one guy’s profile pic was him drinking beer in front of gun-rack) but there were wonderful guys (a doctor). I corresponded with a guy from Arizona and we got near to meeting, same with a guy from PA. DC has alot of guys, too.

LIFT is based out of fontbone acedemy…I got on their mailing list who knows how…I don’t think they have a website.
 
Bartolome_Casas said:
(3) Take vacations to countries with high densities of Catholics. Italy. Mexico. Argentina. Poland. Spain. Ireland. Do things that will facilitate the meeting of single men. Maybe learn the native language if you have time. I know this is a bit extreme, but you asked for ideas! You do want to get married, don’t you?
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Don’t set your hopes too high just because a country has a high rate of baptised Catholics. Poland has 90% or more, while church attendance is like 30%. Those are in agreement with the Church’s teaching on sexuality and follow it are a minority. And Poland is not a nation with a big temper or admiration for sexual conquests.

You’d still need to do a lot of filtering and asking. You don’t to hang out with random single men. And this in a country that has made a core value of chivalrous act toward women—I’d be much more disinclined from doing that in (areas of) countries in which male violence towards women is more socially accepted, coercive advances by hotblooded males considered less of a deal, male conquests are admired (at least by other males) etc.

Frankly, if I were to ask girl off the street in a Catholic country (and I’ve done that or close), I wouldn’t be counting on a large chance of running into a person opposed to premarital intercourse and contraception.
 
You can try meetup.com (not a dating site) it’s site of different groups from social groups to special interest groups like dog lovers, reading groups, movie groups, catholic groups, adventure or just activity groups. Most are free and you meet all types of people there. The dating sites are fine but you tend to run into people that just want to shop and aren’t into going beyond the screen. You can also try starting a group of your own maybe through meetup.com or you own church.
 
Sorry for the modular posting. I normally try to wrap things up in fewer posts but longer ones. I’m being a little bit uncollected today.
(4) Do you need to learn more about the “dance” whereby a woman doesn’t pursue a single man she happens to meet, but sends the signals that she wants him to pursue her?
Women gotta send those signals. Guys are busy. They can’t start pursuing every cute 29 year old they happen to meet.
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I actually could do that if time, money and energy were the only constraints, and, my being my own boss, schedule is no obstacle, either. But it’s not like I’m going to follow a stranger in a public place (come to think of it, in a more secluded place it could be even creepier) just because she’s pretty and appears intelligent and well-mannered and kind and warm and positive (which are the initial things I notice). I’d normally need a shade of a cause to approach. And by this I don’t mean a pretext to get away with it because, frankly, at this point I have enough social skills to get away with anything. It’d be weird to stray from your path and actually technically stalk somebody, which is not something I’d lack the skill or guts to do but still. And I can’t really make eyes at a student or client or client’s employee, even if she were actually slightly older than I am.

Basically, women significantly improve their chance of being approached by signalling that they are approachable. And they significantly improve the chance of something growing out of it if they allow opportunities to happen. This can start from simple things like discreetly showing the lack of wedding band, which is something I’ve actually done as a man, so I honestly doubt women haven’t thought of it, to things like shaking off the apathy and actually meeting that guy even though the weather is bad, the hour is late and there is a little headache etc.

The other thing I’ve noticed is that women often don’t know how to react to being approached (with secular women this sometimes takes the form of not knowing how to react if a man is making advances that aren’t sexual). Whatever is said about men being blind and deaf to subtle hints, my impression from practical experience tends to be that is as a unisex thing. You’d need to be very direct (and as early so as getting introduced to each other or just shortly thereafter) in order to avoid a woman later saying she was clueless, or “friend-zoning”* you. They also seem a little clueless as to why things don’t work out (e.g. when a man took unavailability as a hint that he should go away). This basically comes down to two things: showing approachability, and making room for interaction.

(* “Friend-zoning” is a term from homebrew psychology and describest the effect under which a person is classified as only friendship material and not relationship material, based on some inexplicable, typically subconscious and largely illogical factors early in the acquaintance.)

Basically, if a lady is unavailable for a coffee or a cup of wine after work or class and doesn’t talk much during the break or is firmly entrenched with her girlfriends, she runs a serious risk of just never having an opportunity with a normal guy—only with those will approach who are desperate or skilled enough to “break up a pack”*, or pesky or presuming enough to pester someone who is obviously busy, let alone actually talking on a mobile (and a busy well-mannered man might indeed not to go forward with the big routine of polite interruption, introduction etc. with a person who seems unlikely to be interested or available). And the ability to pull off such a move successfully would largely depend on the man’s social charm, or even lack of certain inhibitions, rather than concrete merit. I have no science to back this up but common sense tells me that a lady who surrounds herself with walls like girlfriends and mobile phones and is never normally available to be approached in a normal way (basically not involved in an active conversation with someone else) may end up being approached by men who are egotic or at least the in-your-face type of person. For the record, this doesn’t seem to be the case with the OP since she doesn’t mention being approached by this type of men.

(* Slang term for approaching a woman who is currently being part of a group. I hesitated to use this metaphor because it is a bit crude, but I guess it illustrates the point. The hunting nature of it is not really accidental.)
 
(1) Opus Dei. Attend the educational meetings they have for lay women. Most of the women will be married with children. But maybe they’ll like you and will introduce you to good single Catholic men.
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As you probably know, lay Catholics who attend Opus Dei meetings are very devout and very committed to the Church. People at Opus Dei meetings also tend to be professionals, or upper class people, based on the ones I attended.
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A person who is upper class (as in really “upper class”, which is basically a small time millionaire or celebrity or a blue-blood, and not just “upper middle” or hopeful “upper class” material like a promising professional) around the age of 30 has most likely inherited it, which does indicate a chance of having received a good education and good upbringing (at least in the conventional sense of good manners etc.) but also means that the person does not necessarily the kind of high achiever that would climb there by age 30 on his or her own. Besides, upper class people are still people, and they too struggle with imperfections, addictions and tempers and all sorts of things we all know so well.

I don’t want to get into an unfavourable discussion of Opus Dei but I believe I’m not being less than impartial when I point out that the group expects people to be high-strung, largely restless high-achievers. This is similar to a couple of tendencies known from the corporate world. While the theological merits of avoidance of idle hands are one thing, another thing is that such a high tempo and demanding regime are not necessarily good for everybody, especially people who like laid-back, informal attitudes, are not high-octane, don’t get along well with tight schedules, are a little disorganised etc. For instance, I predict that if I were to become involved with a lady from OD, one of us would die of heart attack. 😛 (And I actually have two professions, am doing Ph.D. and have a business registered in my name.)
Havard said:
What happens if you go in house before then? 😛
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Becoming a VP is not bad… for a retirement. 😛
sjangelini said:
I am asking because I am 29 and I feel like I have tried everything and despite being cute, hard working, devout and fun (don’t mean to brag, just trying to give background), I have come up with nothing. I am actually a very happy person and completely trust God. I know He hears me and sees me and will do what is best for me, even if that means I remain single. Ultimately, I am okay and will be okay. But I want to make sure I am doing everything I can to make my vocation possible.
Click to expand...
Chances are that you have enough confidence to scare away the cons and not attract those men who always need to be saving a damsel in distress, but not enough to attract those that fall exclusively for it (including guys that are looking for a mother). You also don’t seem to be a good target for a man who’d like to play lord and master, and you don’t create enough drama to attract a disturbed type. In short, your problem is that you are normal, healthy and sane, which does come in the way of finding a mate among the humankind. 😛

Seriously, though, when having an intelligent conversation and not really flirting, (and where innuendo is much toned down and rightfully so among Catholics), less appeal is made to sexuality and sensuality and therefore, I’d guess, there is a tendency towards friendship or the sort of camaraderie that you have between colleagues. Therefore it may be harder for attraction to make itself noticed. This may pose problems for people who are inclined to friend-zone others unless a spark appears early (or even if there are proverbial sparks but there is no clear manifestation of sexual attraction, or something). This reduces the number of potential dates or relationships for you but does so by cutting out mostly the unmeaningful ones. The chance to have a meaningful relationship is probably largely unaffected by this.
 
SeaShoreGirl said:
I actually was pulled out of the snow by a random guy. We went on a few dates. He was WONDERFUL, however, he wasnt Christian and though believed in every single moral think I did. (including no sex before marriage, etc) he thought he should be able to “decided his own” morals…:rolleyes: whatever that means…which is why the relationship didn’t last.
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It sounds like it wasn’t the person for you, but that is a really cute story. It’s like a real life romantic comedy. 😉 Who knew?
 
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