Dating, temptation

[santuz25]

I have a 23 year old daughter living at home who is engaged to a 22 year old man who lives in an apartment by himself. The 2 of them are committed Catholics but see no problem being alone in his apartment. They say they have made a promise to each other to wait for marriage. As parents, we have asked them not to spend the evening alone in the apartment because they are putting themselves in temptation. They both say they have consulted priests that have told them that spending time alone in this apartment is a good thing to do.
I am seeking your advice for them on this matter.
Thank you and God bless,

 

[puzzleannie]

they are adults, living on their own and self-supporting.
they are seeking advice from a priest who is the proper person to direct them as an engaged couple and as individuals
stay out of it
NOYB

 

[blessed_wife]

During my engagement, I was 22 years-old and my now husband was 25 years-old. We spent lots of time alone together in his apartment. We enjoyed watching movies together, playing board games like chess, cooking, reading books like Theology of the Body together, and praying our Rosary together. Of course, we also loved the privacy of being able to cuddle each other and kiss. Yes, we did struggle to remain chaste, but thanks be to God, we did! How long is the engagement planned to be? Ours was 6 months and let me tell you, it was a good thing that it was not any longer because the temptations were becoming stronger and stronger as the months progressed. Short end of the story, though, trust your daughter. Trust your future son-in-law. Pray for them. Entrust them to Our Lady’s prayers.

 

[blessed_wife]

they are adults, living on their own and self-supporting.
they are seeking advice from a priest who is the proper person to direct them as an engaged couple and as individuals
stay out of it
NOYB

Yeah, puzzleannie brings up a very important point: they are adults! You do not want to begin treating your daughter as an irresponsible child especially when you have no evidence that she is living a wild lifestyle. To top it off, they must be serious Catholics since they consulted a priest’s advice! I come from very strict parents and who I considered for years, an over protective mother. I never moved out of my parents’ house until I was married this past November. My parents trusted me. They knew I had morals and I would work very hard to live by them and to protect my virginity, so they never saw a problem with me spending so much time alone with my fiancee. They also trusted his morals.

 

[santuz25]

they are adults, living on their own and self-supporting.
they are seeking advice from a priest who is the proper person to direct them as an engaged couple and as individuals
stay out of it
NOYB

THanks for the response, just a note they are not self supporting, she is living at home,

 

[briang72]

I have a 23 year old daughter living at home who is engaged to a 22 year old man who lives in an apartment by himself. The 2 of them are committed Catholics but see no problem being alone in his apartment. They say they have made a promise to each other to wait for marriage. As parents, we have asked them not to spend the evening alone in the apartment because they are putting themselves in temptation. They both say they have consulted priests that have told them that spending time alone in this apartment is a good thing to do.
I am seeking your advice for them on this matter.
Thank you and God bless,

I assume you have already stated your concerns to your daughter. I’m not sure what else you can do.

blessed_wife:

During my engagement, I was 22 years-old and my now husband was 25 years-old. We spent lots of time alone together in his apartment. We enjoyed watching movies together, playing board games like chess, cooking, reading books like Theology of the Body together, and praying our Rosary together.

This sounds like a great courtship! Especially the reading and praying together!

blessed_wife:

Of course, we also loved the privacy of being able to cuddle each other and kiss. Yes, we did struggle to remain chaste, but thanks be to God, we did!

That is where the danger sets in. Sitting on the couch cuddling and kissing is inviting temptation. Some folks are very strong to keep it at innocent hugging and kissing. santuz25, maybe you could warn your daughter about this somehow.

blessed_wife:

Short end of the story, though, trust your daughter. Trust your future son-in-law. Pray for them. Entrust them to Our Lady’s prayers.

Amen. It sounds to me like they just want to spend time together alone, which is what they should be doing in their engagement. I do think parents need to educate them on how that time is spent, but that should probably take place before they reach the age of 22 to 23.

Congrats to your daughter, and to you too!

 

[puzzleannie]

under what basis is she living at home?
does she contribute as an adult family member or is she acting as a child in other ways, or being treated as a dependent child in other ways? these are just questions for consideration, not requiring an answer but surely anything that promotes her thinking, acting and making decisions like an adult is essential preparation for marriage.

as long as they are not proposing immoral activity in your home, and marriage is in the immediate future, they are adults and it is still NOYB

time alone together building true spiritual and emotional intimacy before the physical intimacy proper to marriage, is an essential part of the engagement process and is healthy.

 

[BigFeet]

they are adults, living on their own and self-supporting.
they are seeking advice from a priest who is the proper person to direct them as an engaged couple and as individuals
stay out of it
NOYB

And yet, statistics prove that the vast majority of people cannot resist the temptation. I would definitely discuss your concerns with your daughter, especially for the sake of her soul. It may sound terrible, but let’s not be so quick to trust the judgment of any particular priest on all matters. Let’s face it, there are a few priests out there who give horrible advice (like telling expectant moms that it’s okay to have an abortion, or those who bless same-sex unions, etc.)

I have some friends who are priests who would never ever be alone in the same room with a woman. If they won’t put themselves into this type of situation, how much more should two people who are “planning on getting married anyway” avoid these tempting situations.

My cousin and his family are what everybody considers to be very devout Catholics (daily Mass together, daily family prayer together, etc.). Their daughter actually taught courses on abstinence, and yet she herself couldn’t resist the temptation of being alone with her fiance, and she ended up pregnant (she was 26). We’re all human, not super-human.

That’s why Jesus taught us to pray, “…And lead us not into temptation…” He knows how weak we are, and how easily we can be misled by the evil one. Let’s not put God to the test by putting ourselves into such difficult situations.

 

[kage_ar]

If she is living in your house, you could set a house rule curfew (I am over 40, and respect my parents when I visit their home regarding coming in at all hours of the night).

Aside from that, pray for them.

When is the wedding date?

 

[JMBNH]

It depends on the type of people. In the past on a couple of occasions I have spend a couple of hours cuddled up with one of my female friends on her bed in the evening (we were watching something on her television as I didn’t have digital and that was the only TV in her house, plus I am a bit overaffectionate even on top of normal European amounts) and not been tempted by anything sexual, but for most people I would not recommend that. Also it may be more of a problem with engaged people as there’s an obvious attraction there which is much more of a temptation. I later realised that what I’d done was not a smart idea, not because of any temptation, but because I ended up getting accused of having sex with her by numerous people, though hopefully they were joking, although they now realise it wasn’t the case

 

[lizaanne]

time alone together building true spiritual and emotional intimacy before the physical intimacy proper to marriage, is an essential part of the engagement process and is healthy.

Engagement is a time of discernment and understanding, and truly learning about each other and being sure that marriage is the right thing. No one ever said that a ring on the finger means there WILL be a wedding - that’s absurd.

They need this time to be sure they are doing the right thing, the privacy to discuss concerns BEFORE the wedding, and the ability to work things out on their own. They are training for the rest of their lives. This is very important time.

If they feel they can handle the alone time - then I totally agree with annie - NOYB. They are adults - let them be, and stop being so nosy. My goodness, I certainly hope she won’t have you bugging her about her sex life after the wedding too! Mothers have been know to do this. Please don’t be one of those!!

~Liza

 

[Parysa]

If she is never allowed to be alone with him, how will she know who she’s really committing to marry? If they are in your house, chances are, both will be on their best behavior and that’s NOT how it works once people are settled in and married (though I wish it were!). She needs the opportunity to see him in his own home and get to know some of his day-to-day routines. And he needs to see her outside the influence of her family.

 

[BigFeet]

If she is never allowed to be alone with him, how will she know who she’s really committing to marry? If they are in your house, chances are, both will be on their best behavior and that’s NOT how it works once people are settled in and married (though I wish it were!). She needs the opportunity to see him in his own home and get to know some of his day-to-day routines. And he needs to see her outside the influence of her family.

I’m sorry, but up until the early 1900’s, men and women only courted in the company of the woman’s family. It was improper and absolutely unacceptable for a man and woman to be alone together before they were married (downright scandalous!). This thought about “getting to know each other” is a 20th century innovation that has failed. Some may want to call this “old fashioned”, but marriages lasted much longer then than they do now.

This isn’t like test driving a car to see how well you fit in the seats, and to see how well it handles on the curves. People change, and two people who marry today will not be the same people in ten years. Getting to know every little detail about somebody will have nothing to do with learning to love that person for a lifetime. In the mean time, pursuing those details can tempt you into jeopardizing your soul.