Dating to Marry while in College

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cwp587

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Hi all,

I wanted to get everyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut on what y’all think I should do…

Background:
I’m a junior in college, planning on graduating May of 2018. I started dating a freshman lady a couple months ago. We are both committed catholics and we are doing our best to lead our lives according to the gospel. We have been very serious emotionally and mentally and have both made it clear to each other that, if the relationship continues to be fruitful and that we are a great fit for each other, we would get married in the near future. The only hiccup so far is that we have been physically serious too… We had sex a few times during a one-month period, going to confession after the act but continuing to have sex after getting heated a few days later. Thankfully, after confession and prayers, we’ve abstained for the past month and we are doing all that we can to avoid the near occasion. I add this detail because it pertains to her objection to my plan… I informed my girlfriend that, if I decide to propose, I would like to do it as soon as the end of the upcoming school semester (May 2017) with an intention of getting married immediately after my graduation (May 2018). I will then work at an oil and gas refinery 3.5 hours away from the university she is attending. I would only be able to see her every other week since I will have three-day weekends (9/80 work schedule). She would finish her education and then we would officially move in together after her graduation. I want to get married as soon as possible because I want to be able to give myself fully to her ASAP. Yes, sex is a part of that, but I mean in all ways (financially, mentally, spiritually, etc).

Objections:
She does not like this plan. She is afraid that since we couldn’t control ourselves in the past, we would not be able to practice NFP while waiting for her to graduate college. She has proposed a new plan for me to propose after I graduate (May 2018) and get married the following summer (May or August 2019). She thinks that a year less of being married means a drastically reduced chance of her getting pregnant while in school. The whole reason she is against getting pregnant while finishing school is due to her lifelong goal of walking the Camino in Spain immediately after her own graduation.

Questions:
Do you think my plan is smart, or do you think her plan is better? Do you think there are any better alternatives (assuming we do decide to get married)? Finally, do you think that doing a long distance relationship would be detrimental?

Thank you everyone for your responses!
 
I don’t think the timing of the proposal is too important (whenever you decide for sure that you truly are meant to marry), but the timing of marriage is. My husband and I recently married after an 18 month engagement. We became engaged while we were in school, then I graduated and lived an hour away and worked while he continued his schooling. During this period, we visited one another about once every 1 to 2 weeks. Extended engagement can work for some people.

There are many options that you can discuss together. There is no one-size-fits-all solution.
 
I think that you need to slow down.

You did not take it slow enough in the first couple of months, and now you are talking about marriage. There is more to marriage than the physical part. But your plan seems to make it almost the most important thing. I agree with your girlfriends idea of waiting. You do not appear to be on the same page as far as what you both want.

An alternative is to let her graduate and do her lifelong goal. Make the walk with her, and get engaged at its end.

I think to be engaged for years at this point is not wise. She has already told you she wants to wait. If you are unwilling to do that much for her at this point, I wouldn’t be too sure you will marry. She is telling you she isn’t ready, or rather, won’t be ready.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I think that you need to slow down.

You did not take it slow enough in the first couple of months, and now you are talking about marriage. There is more to marriage than the physical part. But your plan seems to make it almost the most important thing. I agree with your girlfriends idea of waiting. You do not appear to be on the same page as far as what you both want.

An alternative is to let her graduate and do her lifelong goal. Make the walk with her, and get engaged at its end.

I think to be engaged for years at this point is not wise. She has already told you she wants to wait. If you are unwilling to do that much for her at this point, I wouldn’t be too sure you will marry.
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I agree on taking things slowly. I should add that my husband and I had been dating three years already before the engagement.
 
Only you two can decide what’s best because you two must live with it. If it is any consolation, there is a minimum 6 month waiting period between informing your priest and the ceremony, but most likely it’ll be almost a year to get the pre-cana and to hunt down a fresh copy of your baptism certificate. Perhaps a long engagement is in order?

Not to sound insensitive, but you must also consider the financial ramifications of marriage. Will it negatively impact either of your situations regarding financial aide?
 
LittleWay92 said:
I agree on taking things slowly. I should add that my husband and I had been dating three years already before the engagement.
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That makes all the difference. The OP is a junior, looking ahead to graduating. His girlfriend is only just a freshman. She has a lot of growing up to do still. And they are speaking of marriage after only a few months.

I know that other people have met, and known after a short while, but this doesn’t appear to be the case here. The girlfriend has already said she has a lifelong dream to fulfil. She said she doesn’t like his plan. He has to respect that.
 
HerCrazierHalf said:
Only you two can decide what’s best because you two must live with it. If it is any consolation, there is a minimum 6 month waiting period between informing your priest and the ceremony, but most likely it’ll be almost a year to get the pre-cana and to hunt down a fresh copy of your baptism certificate. Perhaps a long engagement is in order?

Not to sound insensitive, but you must also consider the financial ramifications of marriage. Will it negatively impact either of your situations regarding financial aide?
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It would be beneficial in a lot of situations.
 
I can only speak for myself I suppose, but when I was a freshman in college I still had a lot of growing up to do. My maturity and understanding of what I wanted in a husband, marriage, a career, and in life in general were very different as a graduating college senior.

I don’t think it really matters whose plan is “better”- your girlfriend is not on board with your plan, so that’s really all there is to say about it. Don’t be the guy who pulls her away from accomplishing the things she has been dreaming about doing before she gets married.

In general, I think it’s wise to spend some time living on your own out in the real world (not college) either alone or with roommates before getting married. Learning to manage your own household and pay all your own bills is invaluable experience.

I know there are people who know they want to be married after a few months and it works out very well for them. But since you have already been intimate, is it possible that this intimacy is clouding your judgment a bit? There is really no harm in waiting a few months, pulling back on the intimacy, and just getting to know one another better. You don’t need to propose this spring, especially if your girlfriend does not want to be engaged next year.
 
Irishmom2 said:
That makes all the difference. The OP is a junior, looking ahead to graduating. His girlfriend is only just a freshman. She has a lot of growing up to do still. And they are speaking of marriage after only a few months.

I know that other people have met, and known after a short while, but this doesn’t appear to be the case here. The girlfriend has already said she has a lifelong dream to fulfil. She said she doesn’t like his plan. He has to respect that.
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Agreed. Respect is extremely important.

It seems that his girlfriend wants to wait until OP graduates and be engaged for a year or so while she finishes school. This is basically what my husband and I did. There would also be some distance during the engagement because he would be working elsewhere. We also did that. OP wondered if the distance could work out for them. For us, it did. However, we had a solid period of dating first.

In summary, building the relationship is important first. Don’t be afraid to take things slowly in order to respect your girlfriend’s wishes and build a solid relationship that will endure in the face of hardship, such as potential long distance engagements.
 
LittleWay92 said:
Agreed. Respect is extremely important.

It seems that his girlfriend wants to wait until OP graduates and be engaged for a year or so while she finishes school. This is basically what my husband and I did. There would also be some distance during the engagement because he would be working elsewhere. We also did that. OP wondered if the distance could work out for them. For us, it did. However, we had a solid period of dating first.

In summary, building the relationship is important first. Don’t be afraid to take things slowly in order to respect your girlfriend’s wishes and build a solid relationship that will endure in the face of hardship, such as potential long distance engagements.
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Great, that’s what I was wondering. She’s definitely worth the wait. I know that I grew up quite a bit from freshman year to now… This gives me 1.5 years to evaluate our relationship before proposing as well.

Everyone, please pray for our purity over the next few months of our relationship. The challenge now is going to be avoiding putting ourselves in temptation.
 
I am intrigued by your reference to NFP. You have already been sexually active, so are we to assume you are already employing NFP…which so often results in accidents of the happiest kind…?

Alternatively if you are relying on abc now - in deference to your girlfriend’s desire to graduate - what is going to change once you are married but living apart for much of the time???

I think you need to have a serious talk about the long term prospects for this relationship…and the means you intend to employ to plan your family .
 
Gilly_flower said:
I am intrigued by your reference to NFP. You have already been sexually active, so are we to assume you are already employing NFP…which so often results in accidents of the happiest kind…?
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I apologize but I think you may have misread the original post… We are abstaining from sex since we are not married. I mentioned the slip-up to help others understand the situation fully. We intend to use NFP during marriage to thoughtfully and prayerfully plan out a family. She has raised concerns about being irregular, not having the discipline to follow NFP perfectly, etc., but I don’t think we’ll have a problem once receiving the graces of marriage and going through marriage prep and learning about NFP.
 
cwp587 said:
I will then work at an oil and gas refinery 3.5 hours away from the university she is attending.
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This IMO is the most obvious flaw in your plan. How do you know fo sure the refinery will give you a job? (unless you are related to the owner). I know first hand how how it is for recent graduates to find a job. I also known first hand how out of the blue a good job can vanish due to downsizing. I really think the first step is to be more realistic and not count your chickens before they hatch
 
cwp587 said:
She has raised concerns about being irregular, not having the discipline to follow NFP perfectly, etc., but I don’t think we’ll have a problem once receiving the graces of marriage and going through marriage prep and learning about NFP.
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Your girlfriend sounds very wise. And, I think you need to take off the rose tinted glasses. The graces of marriage do NOT make NFP any easier. I take it you haven’t read all the post of women getting pregnant when they thought they were infertile:rolleyes:

Not to mention, if you are newly married and can only see her every other weekend and you show up and she says ‘Not this weekend I am infertile’, are you really going to abstain? I doubt it after a 2 week seperation

Angie
 
I have 2 suggestions. Right now she should be looking into NFP and learning how her body works. I had periods that stretched out a bit and once I learned NFP I knew when my ovulation was delayed, and lots of things can cause it to delay. Stress, illness, etc. Knowing that it was delayed really was appreciated because it meant I didn’t have those nasty surprises at the most inconvenient time. It’s good information and really, all teen girls should learn NFP. Why wait until you’re 20 something to finally get around to looking into it?

This time right now can be so very short. Please slow down and really soak in what a special time this is! One day God willing you’ll be working, taking care of kids, paying bills, and very busy. No one ever complained that they took some time after grad to work and live on their own for a time, took time to travel, visited other countries. Plan to go on pilgrimage in the near future, perhaps go with a church group where they go to a third world country and build homes. I know some people who went to teach English in a foreign country for a time. Some spent time with Mother Teresa’s nuns in a far country. All of these experiences will make you a better spouse, a better parent, a better neighbor. This is the time to do it! You won’t be sorry.
 
I think you lucked up and found a very smart and wise young lady.

She’s too young to marry or get engaged.
Slow down & cool off.
If it’s meant to be, God will make straight the path.
 
Good luck! Find someone who knows you and ask them. My own daughter married in college, here husband had to go to work instead of college, they had a child before she graduated,…

… and it has worked well for them. I would never have thought it, but it actually worked very well. He is a hard worker and she is very sharp. They are both committed Catholics and are both the only ones they have ever seriously dated (high school sweethearts).

The have a ways to go, but will be okay. Such a path means abandoning a lot of expectations, like career goals, and trips abroad. When you marry has more to do with your readiness to be a man, and her readiness to be a wife, than it does your school situation. Ask people who know you.
 
Thank you all. There’s been a lot of wisdom shared in this thread…

I’m a planner. None of this would be an issue if I stopped trying to plan out my future. I think the best thing I can do is to put it in God’s hands as a poster above suggested. Again, I ask for everyone’s prayers for guidance and chastity through the upcoming months.

Y’all have been great!
 
Something to consider:

You’ve mentioned having a hard time with abstinence as a dating couple. However, it’s entirely possible that you’ll have nearly as much as a married couple in a year or two.

DH and I did wait 'til marriage, but that didn’t keep me from going on bed rest during pregnancy, or from having to wait the usual 6 weeks post-baby to resume relations (just about any OB will recommend this), or from having to be pretty cautious about NFP in between that baby and the subsequent miscarriage, then between the miscarriage and DS, and now for goodness-knows-how-long. We had no way of knowing then that I would have both physical and mental reasons that would make avoiding pregnancy an absolute must after the first few years of marriage, or that, contrary to what many NFP teachers will tell you, that this means that we have an abstinence stretch of 4 weeks followed by 5 “free” days. DH also has a job whose hours, at certain times of the year, are very long indeed: 12-14 hour days 5-6x/week aren’t unusual. If those coincide with our “free” time, or if I can’t get three separate confirmations (testing and symptom review) that we’ll be safe, then we can go for two months between safe times. If I get pregnant again, we may have to abstain totally for about twenty years.

That’s what Catholic marriage can be. It won’t necessarily be like that for you, but it’s a possibility that you have to bear in mind. *You may have to go months, years, possibly even decades without having sex with your spouse. * If you can’t sign up for that, then you may want to reconsider marriage. I don’t regret for a minute marrying my DH, but I do wish I’d walked into it with my eyes a bit more open about these possibilities.
 
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