Dating to Marry while in College

[SusanneT]

I think that you need to slow down.

You did not take it slow enough in the first couple of months, and now you are talking about marriage. There is more to marriage than the physical part. But your plan seems to make it almost the most important thing. I agree with your girlfriends idea of waiting. You do not appear to be on the same page as far as what you both want.

An alternative is to let her graduate and do her lifelong goal. Make the walk with her, and get engaged at its end.

I think to be engaged for years at this point is not wise. She has already told you she wants to wait. If you are unwilling to do that much for her at this point, I wouldn’t be too sure you will marry. She is telling you she isn’t ready, or rather, won’t be ready.

I agree with all of that, but more fundamentally important is that before you can consider the future you need to re-set the present. It would be better to make these decisions with out the complications of a sinful sexual relationship, particularly as your girlfriend may well fall pregnant unexpectedly and change everything.

 

[CthgeDelendaEst]

She’s telling you she is not ready to be engaged or married yet. I’d listen to her. I know it seems like a long time, but it will pass quickly. There is a perfectly non religious, logical reason to have a chaste courtship. Lust can blind us to many things. You are both very young. You should be vetting whether this person is the right one with a clear head - not possible while lust is getting in the way. At any rate, she’s in as many words told you she’s not ready to welcome your proposal. So back off a bit yourself and make sure she’s the one.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

Hi all,

I wanted to get everyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut on what y’all think I should do…

Background:
I’m a junior in college, planning on graduating May of 2018. I started dating a freshman lady a couple months ago. We are both committed catholics and we are doing our best to lead our lives according to the gospel. We have been very serious emotionally and mentally and have both made it clear to each other that, if the relationship continues to be fruitful and that we are a great fit for each other, we would get married in the near future. The only hiccup so far is that we have been physically serious too… We had sex a few times during a one-month period, going to confession after the act but continuing to have sex after getting heated a few days later. Thankfully, after confession and prayers, we’ve abstained for the past month and we are doing all that we can to avoid the near occasion. I add this detail because it pertains to her objection to my plan… I informed my girlfriend that, if I decide to propose, I would like to do it as soon as the end of the upcoming school semester (May 2017) with an intention of getting married immediately after my graduation (May 2018). I will then work at an oil and gas refinery 3.5 hours away from the university she is attending. I would only be able to see her every other week since I will have three-day weekends (9/80 work schedule). She would finish her education and then we would officially move in together after her graduation. I want to get married as soon as possible because I want to be able to give myself fully to her ASAP. Yes, sex is a part of that, but I mean in all ways (financially, mentally, spiritually, etc).

Objections:
She does not like this plan. She is afraid that since we couldn’t control ourselves in the past, we would not be able to practice NFP while waiting for her to graduate college. She has proposed a new plan for me to propose after I graduate (May 2018) and get married the following summer (May or August 2019). She thinks that a year less of being married means a drastically reduced chance of her getting pregnant while in school. The whole reason she is against getting pregnant while finishing school is due to her lifelong goal of walking the Camino in Spain immediately after her own graduation.

Questions:
Do you think my plan is smart, or do you think her plan is better? Do you think there are any better alternatives (assuming we do decide to get married)? Finally, do you think that doing a long distance relationship would be detrimental?

Thank you everyone for your responses!

Personally I think her plan is better as I generally think that getting married in college, especially if children might be involved, is quite hard and I think it’s important for her to get to do her walk.

However, you both have no excuse not to master sexual self control if you do go with her plan in the event of a serious reason to use NFP that might manifest itself.

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t know if this has been said yet, but a couple that can’t manage premarital abstinence is going to have a heck of a time with NFP.

 

[confusedgirl]

I am also a junior in college and people really take time to find themselves over their four years in school.I know there are a lot of things that I want to do when I finish. Dating has never been easy for me because I always have a full course load and homework and it has frustrated previous boyfriends that I cannot stay up on the phone and talk to them for more than 10 minutes or that I have no time for dates? I would say, give it some time, after the honeymoon phase (the start of the relationship where everything is perfect) everything crumbles. I know that things ended with my last boyfriend because he understand my need for some time away from him. Instead he always got offended when I was taking time off to focus on my life and let’s just say he moved on rather quickly. My point is, don’t force a relationship, you’re only this age once and if you did get married say next year could you confidently say that you lived out your early adult years to fullest?