Dating while still married in the Church

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xxxBlackDogxxx

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My civil divorce was finalized in February and my ex-wife is seriously dating someone. She began dating him before our divorce was final and she has not yet started the annulment process, so she is dating while still married in the Church. The guy she is dating is not Catholic or Christian. My children, ages 8 & 10 are witnessing this and I’m not sure what to do about it. I strongly suspect that she and my kids are going to move in with him in the not too distant future. (Yes, she is a Catholic, but it doesn’t seem to matter.)

I don’t know what, if anything I should say to my children (or my priest or anyone else). I say nothing bad about her to them, and won’t now, but I’m afraid that they’ll think this is O.K.

Any ideas?
 
All you can really do is set a good example of Catholic behavior in front of your children. Offer to take them to Mass as often as you can, teach them their faith, and be ready to answer their questions in a loving manner (which I’m sure you intend to do anyway). And pray, pray, pray. You have my prayers for you and your situation.
 
I’m sorry:(…you could sue for sole custody…if the kids in fact move in with this man. Was he the reason for the demise of your marriage? Doesn’t mean you’d win, but I think I’d fight for what’s in the best interest of the kids at this point.

Or, you can try to reconcile with her…short of those two options, there isn’t anything you can do if she has sole custody of the kids, or you have joint custody.

I will keep your situation here in my prayers. I’m sorry things came to you guys splitting up.😦 I pray that your wife will come to her senses about how she will be impacting her children.
 
Did you not put anything in the divorce papers about the kids not being around new boyfriends/girlfriends? My friend who has kids had that put into the divorce papers. The rules are that neither parents can introduce the kids to a BF/GF until they have been dating at least six months and it’s a serious relationship. Also, they never ever can have anyone of the opposite sex who is not related spend the night.
 
Here is my first thought. Think about these things from a child’s point of view. Your kids are seeing that mom and dad have split up. THey don’t understand the difference between the divorce and the annulment. All they know is that they have two different houses now. Also, they are hurting and I am sure they it’s super hard on them. So, don’t make it worse. Don’t tell them that mommy is a bad person. They DO NOT need to hear that. They will not understand that mommy is a bad person. So as far as your ex wife’s dating without an annulment, as hard as it is, try to be the bigger person don’t say bad things about your ex to the kids. Kids think mom and dad are the greatest people on earth. Don’t do anything to change that. Don’t pit them against their mother. The only people who get hurt in things like that are the kids. Trust me, I’ve been the kid in the scenerio.

I would however, urge you to talk to your ex about what it would look like to the kids if they were to move in without getting married. But that is a completely different issue.
 
There is nothing you can do, or at least that is the case where I live (Canada). My ex is now an atheist (although he was raised nominally Catholic), with values quite different than my own. All I can do is show my kids my own values by the way I conduct my life. I share your worries, but have put everything in God’s hands and do a lot of praying!
 
I haven’t said anything bad about her, and I won’t.

The way things are, if I said anything to my ex, she would take it as an attack, and probably blame me for it, because to her, I’m to blame for everything (not true though!).

I never thought to put in the divorce rules about dating, etc. I wish I had thought of it. He **has **spent the night with them–on the couch of course! :rolleyes:

There’s not the slightest chance I could get custody, and for the most part wouldn’t want to take them away from their mother. In most cases, she’s a loving mom. She has just kind of lost it in a few ways.

Reconciling with her would literally take an act of God. I’m certain he could do it; I could not.

I do wonder how the Church would react to her moving in with him.
 
xxxBlackDogxxx said:
I haven’t said anything bad about her, and I won’t.

The way things are, if I said anything to my ex, she would take it as an attack, and probably blame me for it, because to her, I’m to blame for everything (not true though!).

I never thought to put in the divorce rules about dating, etc. I wish I had thought of it. He **has **spent the night with them–on the couch of course! :rolleyes:

There’s not the slightest chance I could get custody, and for the most part wouldn’t want to take them away from their mother. In most cases, she’s a loving mom. She has just kind of lost it in a few ways.

Reconciling with her would literally take an act of God. I’m certain he could do it; I could not.
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And these things are out of your hands. 😦 You sound like a good man caught in a bad situation and suffering. I have all my sympathy and prayers for you. :console:
I do wonder how the Church would react to her moving in with him.
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The Church can do nothing about it. It has no way to force her to do what’s right. And even if she presents herself for holy communion, she can’t be denied because no one can judge the state of her soul. But, in her present state of mind, how likely is it that she is even going to Mass? I’d say not very, if she thinks living with a man not her husband perfectly fine. You can pray for her and be a good example of Christian love, but that’s all. She has to make her own decisions, as painful as it is to you. But prayer does work. I’ve seen members of my own family get themselves back on track just by praying for them and being there when they needed me. That’s all anyone really can do.
 
When my ex did this there wasn’t anything I could do either. Unless there is physical abuse or the children are missing too much school it is unlikely you would be able to change the custody arrangement anyway. You could try to get the annulement asap if not for her soul then at least to be done with it so you won’t have to dredge it all up later. You are doing the right thing and being the best model you can be. And as long as your ex wife at least appears to try to be in the faith that will help with your childen and being able to go to their religious ed classes and first communion and confirmation. I wouldn’t talk to her about the things you can’t do anything about, it might just cause her to be more angry. God bless you during this difficult time,
 
What your ex does is her business. Under no circumstances should you say anything to the kids about their mother. That isn’t their concern. Their situation is far from ideal, but it doesn’t appear she is abusing the kids. All I can say is the kids will know all about their mom and what she is doing and you won’t have to say a word.

Kathy
 
Two things, first, why haven’t you started the annullment process??

second, I feel the same way about not critisizing your ex, what I have found to be a good way to respond to their questions, is to tell them “We don’t have to like the sin to love the sinner.” Sometimes they ask about things that were clearly wrong, I have to agree that they were sins against the commandments, but Jesus can forgive any sin as long as we confess it, I let them pray that he asks for the forgiveness.

Keep setting a standard that they can look up to. Admitt your fault, and ask for prayers when you need it too.
 
I haven’t started the annulment process for two reasons.
  1. I keep expecting her too. She said she was going to (although just because she says something doesn’t mean she’ll do it!). She seems in such a hurry….
  2. Originally, I thought there was no way that this marriage should be declared null. I have since modified my view greatly.
    I guess what I’ll do is keep on keeping on. I just hate the thought of the kids thinking that what she is doing is OK, meaning that someday one of them decides to shack up with someone, with the reasoning that well, Mom did it, why can’t I? Or Mom’s husband isn’t Catholic, why should mine be? I have no intention of telling them anything about their mother that is bad—they’ll find out what has happened over time I guess, but it won’t be because I badmouth her. I can only hope she does the same thing toward me.
Thanks everyone!
 
I’ve been there done that. xh dated before the divorce was final. Before I filed for annulment he was engaged.

I did have a requirement in the decree that he couldn’t have women over while the girls were in the house.

He broke up with first fiancee after 3.5 years. The second fiancee only lasted 3 years of dating and 4 months of engagement.

Don’t count on any relationship with her working. If she couldn’t make it work with the husband who loved her and was the father of her children who had a vested interest in making it work, why would you think she could make it work with the guy who was cheating on her vows with her.

What you will have probably, is a series of failed rebound relationships your children will be dragged through, lots of drama. You can use it as an example of the importance of choice in dating partners when they are older.

It’s no fun. You be the guy who is dependable with no drama, no revolving door of girlfriends and steadiness all the way. The annulment process is a great way to really look at things objectively and realize mistakes made. She hasn’t done that obviously. She’s going to make quite a few as she goes along.

Pray for her. And if she’s too busy to take the kids to church, offer to do it for her and drop them off after if it’s her weekend. That way the kids see that their father has a strong faith. That has a huge role in how they turn out. Apparently a mother’s good example and a mother’s prayers and tears doesn’t carry equal weight, I find. 😦
 
xxxBlackDogxxx said:
…I guess what I’ll do is keep on keeping on. I just hate the thought of the kids thinking that what she is doing is OK, meaning that someday one of them decides to shack up with someone, with the reasoning that well, Mom did it, why can’t I? Or Mom’s husband isn’t Catholic, why should mine be? I have no intention of telling them anything about their mother that is bad—they’ll find out what has happened over time I guess, but it won’t be because I badmouth her. I can only hope she does the same thing toward me.

Thanks everyone!
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Your kids are at that inbetween age. You can and should talk to them about what’s going on. But on their level…not as an adult and in no way bad mouthing their mom.NO MATTER WHAT. Tell them YOUR feelings about relationships when the time is right or they ask questions.When they are with you, you expect certain things and certain things are non negotiable for you. Be gentle and keep any feeling about their mom to yourself. As they grow, they will see what’s really going on. Trust me.
When I was going thru my divorce, my kids were in their early (13-14) teens. I NEVER said a bad word about their dad. Years later they both came to me and asked why I did that. I told them it wasn’t in my place. I figured they would see over time.They thanked me and then asked what I really felt. So I told them. …my feelings and how I just wanted to get thru a very trying time.
Your kids will know…and you won’t have to say one word.

Kathy
 
Katie1723 said:
Your kids are at that inbetween age. You can and should talk to them about what’s going on. But on their level…not as an adult and in no way bad mouthing their mom.NO MATTER WHAT. Tell them YOUR feelings about relationships when the time is right or they ask questions.When they are with you, you expect certain things and certain things are non negotiable for you. Be gentle and keep any feeling about their mom to yourself. As they grow, they will see what’s really going on. Trust me.
When I was going thru my divorce, my kids were in their early (13-14) teens. I NEVER said a bad word about their dad. Years later they both came to me and asked why I did that. I told them it wasn’t in my place. I figured they would see over time.They thanked me and then asked what I really felt. So I told them. …my feelings and how I just wanted to get thru a very trying time.
Your kids will know…and you won’t have to say one word.

Kathy
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I agree with you 100%, Kathy. Black Dog, I would make sure the children are educated in their Catholic Faith. If they want to talk about something their mother is doing that they think is wrong, talk about it in general, impersonal terms and make sure they understand why it’s wrong. I don’t say anything bad about my children’s father, unless he’s drunk or something. Then I just tell them that I’m sorry they had to see him that way and they don’t have to stay with him when he is like that. I explain why getting drunk in general is a bad thing and how it can destroy someone’s life. I also explain how it is detrimental to a healthy relationship with God. If my daughter starts to bash her father, I listen to her, but encourage her to love him inspite of his shortcomings. (Love the sinner, but hate the sin.) Sometimes we will say a prayer for him. He’s the only father she will ever have. 😦

Also, in my state, I have to wait until a year is up before I can start the annulment process.
 
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