Dating: Why do men become rude and mean after breakup?

[LongingSoul]

That makes sense. If the guy really did break up with her without making it clear, and is treating her poorly when they do come into contact, that is a problem. But if he’s just trying to move on and is choosing not to respond to text or phone calls, or avoids contact at mutual gatherings, I’d say that’s normal and for the best. That’s what it seemed like to me, but I could be misunderstanding what she wrote. Hopefully the OP will come back to clarify what this rude behavior is and give some context.

I recognised a common tactic when she wrote… “He started trying to date another female and hinted “someone would be upset””. That whole facebook thing of veiled digs at someone is so cowardly and drama queenish. If he had some genuine reason to blank her, why do that cowardly thing that people do? It speaks volumes of him rather than her I think. The teens do it and perhaps the OP is in that bracket too, which would make his immaturity a little more understandable I guess.

 

[bsf]

KDamgirl,

What was the primary reason for your post? Is it because you are simply trying to better understand human behavior? Different theories were put forward. You probably have more relevant information than any of us. Why do you think he behaved the way he did?

Or, did you post primarily because you still hurt? Either way, I am sorry for your pain. I hope you have a wonderful evening.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Following a breakup, I’m not the least bit interested in friendship regardless of which one of us broke it off. Not going to waste my time being good friends with someone for whom anything more isn’t happening. But I will be courteous if I run into her again, as sometimes happens. I’ve had women break up with me by not returning my phone calls anymore or showing far too little enthusiasm for meeting up. Signaling they don’t find me attractive anymore. Signal received; it used to upset me when I was younger, but not anymore, today, I just move on.

 

[Bezant]

Bad circumstances can bring out the worst in people, and that’s true of both men and women.

 

[RACJ]

Once a man stopped talking to me and ignored me so completely after a misunderstanding and what I assumed was a break-up. He started trying to date another female and hinted “someone would be upset” I wrote him a message telling him while I was sad things did not work between us, I was happy for him. Why would a person then persist in pretending you are dead? Vanishing as soon as you show up, ignoring you, acting very rude. I got the impression he was very proud he had gotten this girl he didn’t need to be polite to me anymore. I just remembered this and sometimes it’s still painful to think about… There were few fights, nut I thought after my peace offering, we could be civil. Why does it seem men can be so mean to someone they used to talk to for so long? It was a good thing as it put me on a search to self-discovery to date properly, but sometimes its still shocking to think about.

It goes both ways, K. In your example, all I can say is that many guys are incapable of expressing their feelings in a rational way, so they hold them in. Sorry for your painful break-up. Rob

 

[EasterJoy]

It goes both ways, K. In your example, all I can say is that many guys are incapable of expressing their feelings in a rational way, so they hold them in. Sorry for your painful break-up. Rob

Still, most guys do realize that breaking up with a girlfriend is something you do in person. Even the guys who break up by text message (which is lame, and they know it) at least did better than this guy, who didn’t have the __________ to face her with the news.
(I would not fill that blank in with the word “capacity”. )

 

[KDamgirl]

Let me clarify, because perhaps I am taking the OP wrong.

I am not talking about electing not to show up at an event because of the knowledge that she will be there or quietly leaving an event early because another guest, which might well include a former flame, makes one uncomfortable. I’m not talking about failing to make an effort to greet her at a large gathering, or otherwise treating her as a mere acquaintance. We are talking about a) breaking up with a steady girlfriend without having the courtesy to tell her that this is what is being done and b) obviously treating an acquaintance as if you may contract the plague if you get near her.

When you know someone and you make it a point to shun their company, that’s usually seen as relational aggression. You don’t get to turn your back on her standing there or abruptly leave a conversational group because she joins it. You don’t get to look at her, whispering, but then turn you back to her when she makes eye contact. You don’t act in ways that are objectively rude to a person you know even slightly.

If she thinks he ought to treat her as more than an acquaintance, that is not the same as treating her “as if she were dead.” If they are not dating, then she is going to fall in how close he wants to be. He may not feel comfortable socializing with her, and could politely do as little of it as one is allowed to do with someone he has actually been introduced to. Still, if they were dating, he needed to have the courtesy to tell her personally that it was over.

It is possible that he’s avoiding her because his new girlfriend is the jealous sort. Get a backbone, fella, we’re talking about a yes-I-know-her-name level of social interaction. Do not let anyone tell you not to do that. Even if the person has done something to merit being ostracized from her former social group, you still have to treat her with as much human dignity as you would “a Gentile or a tax collector.”

Thank you. Yes, this is exactly how it feels to me, like he will contact a disease if I am around. I accepted that he would be with this girl. I thought that since we had stopped talking in the middle of a misunderstanding in which I was the one upset because I thought he said-did things that hurt me but never apologized or even acknowledged it and I got upset and told him, I thought that 's why he would think I am upset with this new dating. So I sent him the message wishing him happiness, saying goodbye to him, I was happy for the happiness he had brought me despite everything else and wished him luck. I don’t expect us to be in touch on a personal or intimate basis, like calling/texting, that’s fine. What got me is first he completely ignored my message which was the only thing that came close to 'tying things up" in a way after the abrupt cessation of communication. I had expected him to at least say, I’m glad you’re ok, good bye and good luck to you too or something, then not make a point to “disappear” and to be seen to be doing so in more social gatherings at the first citing of poor old me.

I do feel like I dodged a bullet and pray to God that he would help me be wiser in my future dealings with men. I dedicated him to st Joseph and prayed for his conversion. For my part, I feel that I will only date a practicing catholic or other Christian from now on, because they at least have values of respect and dignity to other people even when they think they have become useless to them now. The only person I have ever treated this way was a man who would not take no for an answer after a few weeks of dating and really started harassing me and even then I did it out of necessity and did not like doing it at all. So that’s why this had me puzzled. But I realize you cant control everyone. I just felt particularly upset about it yesterday and wondered if it was me or he was being really silly. I’m glad to see that most people do think it’s immature and I’m not the crazy one!

 

[KendraDZ1902]

What you are describing has nothing to do with gender. It is about maturity.

Please, women can be just as vicious and stupid as men.

yep, yep, yep!

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you. Yes, this is exactly how it feels to me, like he will contact a disease if I am around. I accepted that he would be with this girl. I thought that since we had stopped talking in the middle of a misunderstanding in which I was the one upset because I thought he said-did things that hurt me but never apologized or even acknowledged it and I got upset and told him, I thought that 's why he would think I am upset with this new dating. So I sent him the message wishing him happiness, saying goodbye to him, I was happy for the happiness he had brought me despite everything else and wished him luck. I don’t expect us to be in touch on a personal or intimate basis, like calling/texting, that’s fine. What got me is first he completely ignored my message which was the only thing that came close to 'tying things up" in a way after the abrupt cessation of communication. I had expected him to at least say, I’m glad you’re ok, good bye and good luck to you too or something, then not make a point to “disappear” and to be seen to be doing so in more social gatherings at the first citing of poor old me.

I do feel like I dodged a bullet and pray to God that he would help me be wiser in my future dealings with men. I dedicated him to st Joseph and prayed for his conversion. For my part, I feel that I will only date a practicing catholic or other Christian from now on, because they at least have values of respect and dignity to other people even when they think they have become useless to them now. The only person I have ever treated this way was a man who would not take no for an answer after a few weeks of dating and really started harassing me and even then I did it out of necessity and did not like doing it at all. So that’s why this had me puzzled. But I realize you cant control everyone. I just felt particularly upset about it yesterday and wondered if it was me or he was being really silly. I’m glad to see that most people do think it’s immature and I’m not the crazy one!

It is treacherous to pursue one woman before you have let the last one you were pursuing know the pursuit has been called off. To try to show off by saying things like “someone would be upset” is just Larry the Lounge Lizard sleazy.

He may look at you and feel ashamed of how he treated you. Just do your best to treat him as an old acquaintance that sort of grew apart from you. The less contact with the less drama and the less attention on your part, the better. You’re not the one who’s crazy, so don’t let this occupy your mind.

 

[KDamgirl]

I know the phenomenon you are speaking of and it’s distinct qualities. The need to publically write “someone would be upset” and vanishing from somewhere as soon as you show up are easily recognisable.

If you think back to your relatinship, you’ll probably detect other instances of psychological manipulation that undermined you too. Some people like drama way too much and get a high from unsettling and poking at other people for sport. Where I come from, we know these people as a word beginning with w and ending in anker.

You took the highground by not entering into that drama and you should feel blessed for your dignified perspective. Let that memory go in the wind. Write your post onto a piece of paper and burn it outside in a tin and watch the painful memory drift off in the smoke and disperse into the ether.

God bless.

Thank you. I will attempt to replace the memory with something else. I don’t know if he used to manipulate me but he was very closed off and I am much more communicative, so I used to feel like I was too needy and it put him off maybe. He would say he did not see my messages or email whenever the subject was something he did not want to discuss, and being mostly long-distance, this would really get me frustrated. He would sometimes ignore phone calls too and pretend he did not know what I was talking about later on, which is what I found most frustrating. The inability to just acknowledge things or apologize when something was blurted out that was offended. I felt like I would burst with frustration, which lead to the last fight. I think the whole situation was unworkable and we were probably ill-matched in terms of communication styles and values, but I have difficulty understanding his behavior afterwards, the pretending I am dead. I thought he would breathe easier now that I released him and let him off the hook, so to speak, and we could just be polite and respectful even while maintaining distance…

Thank you all for the support and advice. Have a lovely day.

 

[LongingSoul]

Thank you. I will attempt to replace the memory with something else. I don’t know if he used to manipulate me but he was very closed off and I am much more communicative, so I used to feel like I was too needy and it put him off maybe. He would say he did not see my messages or email whenever the subject was something he did not want to discuss, and being mostly long-distance, this would really get me frustrated. He would sometimes ignore phone calls too and pretend he did not know what I was talking about later on, which is what I found most frustrating. The inability to just acknowledge things or apologize when something was blurted out that was offended. I felt like I would burst with frustration, which lead to the last fight. I think the whole situation was unworkable and we were probably ill-matched in terms of communication styles and values, but I have difficulty understanding his behavior afterwards, the pretending I am dead. I thought he would breathe easier now that I released him and let him off the hook, so to speak, and we could just be polite and respectful even while maintaining distance…

Thank you all for the support and advice. Have a lovely day.

K, was this an online forum relationship or did you have real life dates?

 

[One_point]

We did not meet too often due to distance but it was not an online thing. We had introduced family to each other and were set to make it more serious in a short while once the long-distance came to an end permanently. It is not a recent affair but sometimes still shocks because of the loose ends and wondering if this was normal or if something else happened.

 

[One_point]

I see you’ve deleted the post, but you said you had introduced family to each other? That’s kind of serious. Perhaps something else went down that you were unaware of. All the best.

 

[Lorelei12]

Thank you. Yes, this is exactly how it feels to me, like he will contact a disease if I am around. I accepted that he would be with this girl. I thought that since we had stopped talking in the middle of a misunderstanding in which I was the one upset because I thought he said-did things that hurt me but never apologized or even acknowledged it and I got upset and told him, I thought that 's why he would think I am upset with this new dating. So I sent him the message wishing him happiness, saying goodbye to him, I was happy for the happiness he had brought me despite everything else and wished him luck. I don’t expect us to be in touch on a personal or intimate basis, like calling/texting, that’s fine. What got me is first he completely ignored my message which was the only thing that came close to 'tying things up" in a way after the abrupt cessation of communication. I had expected him to at least say, I’m glad you’re ok, good bye and good luck to you too or something, then not make a point to “disappear” and to be seen to be doing so in more social gatherings at the first citing of poor old me.

I do feel like I dodged a bullet and pray to God that he would help me be wiser in my future dealings with men. I dedicated him to st Joseph and prayed for his conversion. For my part, I feel that I will only date a practicing catholic or other Christian from now on, because they at least have values of respect and dignity to other people even when they think they have become useless to them now. The only person I have ever treated this way was a man who would not take no for an answer after a few weeks of dating and really started harassing me and even then I did it out of necessity and did not like doing it at all. So that’s why this had me puzzled. But I realize you cant control everyone. I just felt particularly upset about it yesterday and wondered if it was me or he was being really silly. I’m glad to see that most people do think it’s immature and I’m not the crazy one!

It does sound like you dodged a bullet. He sounds immature and I’d guess his next relationship isn’t going to end well either unless he grows up.

Sometimes, unfortunately, you have to get closure all by yourself. I’ve been in a similar situation, and it’s best to just occupy your time and mind with other things, until you don’t care anymore. He didn’t end things in a decent manner, but judging by his past behavior you’ve described it’s not that surprising. Now you are free to meet someone who cares about how you feel and acts like an adult. And trust me, you will wonder why you ever wasted your time with someone who didn’t!

 

[chevalier]

There are very little facts here, a lot of emotions. I struggle to find a solid basis for some of the strong opinions here.

On the other hand, yes, it does feel bad to be cut off clean. It does make one feel like the other person possibly didn’t care through, if moving on is as easy as flipping a switch. I’ve been there. But it’s hard to understand how people’s brains work, and everyone’s different. There are various ways in which people cope with stress, sadness, hurt, a feeling of abandonment.

 

[EasterJoy]

There are very little facts here, a lot of emotions. I struggle to find a solid basis for some of the strong opinions here.

On the other hand, yes, it does feel bad to be cut off clean. It does make one feel like the other person possibly didn’t care through, if moving on is as easy as flipping a switch. I’ve been there. But it’s hard to understand how people’s brains work, and everyone’s different. There are various ways in which people cope with stress, sadness, hurt, a feeling of abandonment.

The fact that concerns me is that the dating relationship was ended by abruptly refusing contact, rather than by openly and directly saying the relationship was ended, let alone in person. Not a text message, not word through a second party–nothing! Just relational covert aggression, which is to say unexplained denial of all social contact. People rightly feel paranoid when they’re treated like that!

Do you think it is ethical to be in a dating relationship and just leave it without telling the other person that you have left? Should the person you break up with not only be the last to know, but should she have to find out because you’re avoiding her in public places? Is shunning behavior an acceptable way to let someone know that you don’t want to date her any more? Honestly, even if she deserved to be cut off as a dating prospect or even if he didn’t want to give any reason for cutting her off, the least he could do is to tell her that he was doing it. Give her the dignity of knowing to avoid you, too!

Refusing to directly own up to your decisions but instead dodging around covertly so you don’t have to come out and say what you are doing is a bad habit for a spouse. That is why I think she dodged a bullet.

 

[chevalier]

The fact that concerns me is that the dating relationship was ended by abruptly refusing contact, rather than by openly and directly saying the relationship was ended, let alone in person.

True, but the OP presumed there was an end to the relationship, too, so I suppose there must have been some sort of communication or some sort of symbolic fact.

Just relational covert aggression, which is to say unexplained denial of all social contact. People rightly feel paranoid when they’re treated like that!

BTDT.

Do you think it is ethical to be in a dating relationship and just leave it without telling the other person that you have left?

I don’t. I believe there should be some sort of clear statement. But for others perhaps it’s enough if it seems obvious they’re breaking up.

Give her the dignity of knowing to avoid you, too!

Actually, I don’t think it’s necessary to tell someone you’re going to be avoiding contact etc., and I can understand people who prefer to spare their ex this information.

Refusing to directly own up to your decisions but instead dodging around covertly so you don’t have to come out and say what you are doing is a bad habit for a spouse. That is why I think she dodged a bullet.

I’d agree with you if it weren’t for the fact that even the OP understood the events as putting an end to their relationship. So I’m inclined to think that the ignoring etc. refers to behaviour after the end of the relationship.

 

[EasterJoy]

True, but the OP presumed there was an end to the relationship, too, so I suppose there must have been some sort of communication or some sort of symbolic fact.

BTDT.

I don’t. I believe there should be some sort of clear statement. But for others perhaps it’s enough if it seems obvious they’re breaking up.

Actually, I don’t think it’s necessary to tell someone you’re going to be avoiding contact etc., and I can understand people who prefer to spare their ex this information.

I’d agree with you if it weren’t for the fact that even the OP understood the events as putting an end to their relationship. So I’m inclined to think that the ignoring etc. refers to behaviour after the end of the relationship.

Spare your friend the information that she’s no longer your friend? Just avoid them in public and presume that they’ll pick up on the new situation? Really?

Chev, either the guy broke up without ever saying anything to her or else he is two-timing her. If the guy’s behavior requires a defense attorney who is forced to admit he wouldn’t act as his client has, it’s probably better not to have married him. If the guy has social “graces” that you think lack all grace, then let him go and good riddance, that’s all I’m saying. She wished him well, and I say good for her, it was a gracious way for her to handle it.

Of course, he may have taken her communication as sarcastic, and is afraid of her. Let’s hope not, since she meant no such thing. (All these things that you can’t know because someone isn’t talking! )

 

[chevalier]

Spare your friend the information that she’s no longer your friend? Just avoid them in public and presume that they’ll pick up on the new situation? Really?

For some time? Perhaps. Forever? Well, nope. But you don’t really need to tell someone that you’ll be avoiding bumping into him or her for the coming 2 weeks or so.

Chev, either the guy broke up without ever saying anything to her or else he is two-timing her. If the guy’s behavior requires a defense attorney who is forced to admit he wouldn’t act as his client has, it’s probably better not to have married him. If the guy has social “graces” that you think lack all grace, then let him go and good riddance, that’s all I’m saying. She wished him well, and I say good for her, it was a gracious way for her to handle it.

I just don’t see enough facts here to label him as a jerk. I do see the OP feels hurt rather considerably, and I sympathise with her, I certainly don’t like do feel ignored (well, would you ever guess?), but the facts just aren’t there. More like a contagious mood to me.

And it ain’t the defence who’s gotta be doin’ the provin’.

 

[EasterJoy]

For some time? Perhaps. Forever? Well, nope. But you don’t really need to tell someone that you’ll be avoiding bumping into him or her for the coming 2 weeks or so.

I just don’t see enough facts here to label him as a jerk. I do see the OP feels hurt rather considerably, and I sympathise with her, I certainly don’t like do feel ignored (well, would you ever guess?), but the facts just aren’t there. More like a contagious mood to me.

And it ain’t the defence who’s gotta be doin’ the provin’.

If you are going to be actively avoiding someone you have called friend or even if you need to act in a way that might give that appearance, then, yes, they deserve to know why, whether the time is one hour, two weeks, or indefinitely! If you can’t tell them at the time, you surely owe them an explanation at your earliest opportunity! The hurt is very personal, and you ought to give your reasons personally.

Remember, we are not putting the man in jail. We’re deciding to put his resume in the round bin. The standard for that conviction is a good deal lower, Counselor.