Dating with a child

[TheRealJuliane]

Well, I dont agree with the above. What if the OP is 50 years old when the child turns 18?? It will be extremely difficult to find a partner at that age. It´s true that most abuses come from the foster parent or mothers´ boyfriend but we shouldnt take a decision on such an outcome.
She could also meet someone who loves the child and who can play a good parental role.
Let´s leave everything in Gods hands and hope for the best!

You are free to disagree, I stated my opinion and it is based on my own experience and exposure to the question. Others’ opinions may be different.

You’re obviously nowhere near 50 or you wouldn’t act as if life is over at that point.



Still, to my mind, it is more important to raise my children well, than to seek my own satisfaction, if it could possibly lead to damage to them.

 

[maltmom]

Years ago I had a friend whose wife died in her sleep one night. They had 3 young boys and a 1 month old. He had very firm convictions about who he would and would not bring around his children. He was not going to bring a woman into the lives of his children unless he thought she was “the one.” He didn’t want them to bond with a woman only to have her leave their lives. Once he found the one he was going to slowing bring her into their lives. It was very important to him that his children love the woman he married. It was just as important that the woman love his children as if they were her own. He also said that if his children couldn’t bond with the woman he would break-up with her because their stability was more important than his love life. I had a lot of respect for him. I’ve over wondered where they are now.

 

[tbmeg]

You are free to disagree, I stated my opinion and it is based on my own experience and exposure to the question. Others’ opinions may be different.

You’re obviously nowhere near 50 or you wouldn’t act as if life is over at that point.



Still, to my mind, it is more important to raise my children well, than to seek my own satisfaction, if it could possibly lead to damage to them.

hahaha, you´re right that the priority should be the child but I think one must not sacrifice onesself entirely. One can also have a companion to share the joys and sorrows of life with. Life can be extremely lonely without a partner.lol

You´re right that I´m nowhere close to 50 and I wasnt also suggesting that life was over at that point. It just becomes more difficult to get certain things. Better now with more opportunies than later with less.

 

[kelvinf]

hahaha, you´re right that the priority should be the child but I think one must not sacrifice onesself entirely. One can also have a companion to share the joys and sorrows of life with. Life can be extremely lonely without a partner.lol

You´re right that I´m nowhere close to 50 and I wasnt also suggesting that life was over at that point. It just becomes more difficult to get certain things. Better now with more opportunies than later with less.

I agree with you. The child shouldn’t prevent her from getting married. Raising a child as a single mom isn’t easy and a child needs a father and mother! (That is what we tell gays all the time. )

I have thought about it: A Catholic guy, who is for instance open to adoption, shouldn’t have a problem with a single mom. (Unless he is like those who only believe in marrying virgins.) And I believe we should be open to adoption because we never know whether God would bless our marriages with biological children or not.

So if Catholic guys think this way, she would basically only be faced with the same dating problems other Catholics are faced with.

 

[PatriceA]

You are free to disagree, I stated my opinion and it is based on my own experience and exposure to the question. Others’ opinions may be different.

You’re obviously nowhere near 50 or you wouldn’t act as if life is over at that point.



Still, to my mind, it is more important to raise my children well, than to seek my own satisfaction, if it could possibly lead to damage to them.

I agree with this.

I think its important to put the children’s welfare before your own if you are a single parent and that many times may mean NOT dating. I do think though that its not totally out of the question for a single parent to remarry. I’m of the opinion though that seeking out a spouse shouldn’t be the priority if any at all. I think God can very well bring two people together no matter what the circumstances and if its His will and in His perfect timing. But I don’t think seeking out a spouse should become the priority as it would for someone childless and single. I think a single parent should discern just as much as a single person does if marriage is to be their vocation. Perhaps being remarried is no longer what God is calling a single parent to do, or God is asking the single parent to shelve the situation until the children are grown. I’d dump what society thinks a single parent should do and listen to more what God is telling a single parent to do in each case by case situation.

 

[just_came_back]

If the marriage has been annuled by the church, the young lady, in this case the OP, is free to date again. I don’t see how it could any clearer.

I was going to go on a date last year with a young lady who is the mother of 3 young kids, oldest being 6 but due to a MAJOR, AND I MEAN MAJOR, lack of communication, we never did. Had nothing to do with the kids I assure you.

I then found out she was saying things to my family about me and we hadn’t even been out yet. Glad that got nipped in the bud but I still…oohh…well, just don’t talk about me is all I can say.

I would have no problem going out with an older, single mother who had a child teen age and above. By that time, the child is “independent” and thinks that the mother is so “uncool” so that could free up some good quality getting to know each other time.

It’s all my opinion. To the OP, good luck and God bless. andrea, wow…really.

 

[ShanaA1984]

Thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut so far with one exception. Allow me to explain my situation further.

Before my conversion I was an EXTREMELY lapsed ELCA Lutheran and while I was in the military I had a fling with a a guy who was temporally stationed at the same hospital I worked at after returning from 2 tours in Iraq. We had been dating briefly when I found myself pregnant (while I was on the pill at the time). My DD’s father wanted nothing to do with me or my child and stopped contacting me after he found out, he gave up his parental rights, and I have never heard from him again. I discharged from the military and went back home to be closer to my parents so I would have support system. I have been raising DD by myself ever since.

Now to clarify somethings:

1. My DD is my world. Her needs come even before my own (as it should). I am not the type of person who would neglect my child for a man.
2. When I do start dating again ( I have refrained from doing so for the past 4 years) I have no intention of introducing my DD to ANY man unless we are heading in the direction of marriage. I will be up front with the fact that she exists but no introductions will be made until I see the relationship being permanent
3. I will not date any man unless he is ok with the fact I have child and open to the option of possibly adopting her as his own. If there was the slightest chance that she would not be treated like she was his own flesh and blood I would end the relationship immediately.

Thank you for the advice thus far by all means keep it coming I enjoy reading your replies.

P.S. to horselvr: Oh if he does not love my horses that is a deal breaker in my book (j/k he doesn’t have to love em’ but he’s gotta know that like my child they aren’t going anywhere)

 

[cmscms]

Years ago I had a friend whose wife died in her sleep one night. They had 3 young boys and a 1 month old. He had very firm convictions about who he would and would not bring around his children. He was not going to bring a woman into the lives of his children unless he thought she was “the one.” He didn’t want them to bond with a woman only to have her leave their lives. Once he found the one he was going to slowing bring her into their lives. It was very important to him that his children love the woman he married. It was just as important that the woman love his children as if they were her own. He also said that if his children couldn’t bond with the woman he would break-up with her because their stability was more important than his love life. I had a lot of respect for him. I’ve over wondered where they are now.

The man you are talking about is obviously a very good father. But as a single woman who never had kids, his precise ‘putting his kids first’ is why I would NOT date him. I don’t want to play second to some other woman’s kids ! I don’t want some kid deciding whether or not a man will marry me. Let’s face it, no matter how good a person is, most kids resent step parents.

Years ago when I briefly dated a man with a kid I wanted to meet his kid ASAP. I was not going to waste my time with a man only to find out his kid was a brat.

So to the OP, as you stated you do put your kid first and that is great. If you meet a single dad that is eligible to marry or a man who does not mind woman with children, then go for it. I am simply warning you, it can been a deal breaker. And no that does not mean I am judging you

CM

 

[ShanaA1984]

Another side note. I had my dd when I was fairly young (24 almost 25) and just turned 28 a few months ago so by the time she is 18 I will be 42 almost 43, so I’ll be close to 50 but not quite there yet. I also have a very strong call to married life and have always pictured myself as a wife and mother. And I am not actively seeking a partner. I am always on alert and pray daily for a spouse but I am not going out every night with the sole purpose of finding a guy. I am just living my life the best I can right now and would really like to share it with someone else someday.

 

[maltmom]

Another side note. I had my dd when I was fairly young (24 almost 25) and just turned 28 a few months ago so by the time she is 18 I will be 42 almost 43, so I’ll be close to 50 but not quite there yet. I also have a very strong call to married life and have always pictured myself as a wife and mother. And I am not actively seeking a partner. I am always on alert and pray daily for a spouse but I am not going out every night with the sole purpose of finding a guy. I am just living my life the best I can right now and would really like to share it with someone else someday.

Shana, I read your other post with your update. You sound like a wonderful mother and have a good head on your shoulders. Thank you so much for your service.

My ex-husband has 2 daughters. When we met one was in college and the other in high school. I never considered myself their step-mother, I was their other mother. As a matter of fact after we got married they introduced me as their Mama2. I spoke to their mother recently…yes I had and still have a good relationship with her. I told her that if they ever need anything all they have to do is call me. They knew I’d waited my whole life to have a Mother’s Day of my own. They made my 1st one so special. I still love those girls with all of my heart.

 

[ShanaA1984]

Shana, I read your other post with your update. You sound like a wonderful mother and have a good head on your shoulders. Thank you so much for your service.

My ex-husband has 2 daughters. When we met one was in college and the other in high school. I never considered myself their step-mother, I was their other mother. As a matter of fact after we got married they introduced me as their Mama2. I spoke to their mother recently…yes I had and still have a good relationship with her. I told her that if they ever need anything all they have to do is call me. They knew I’d waited my whole life to have a Mother’s Day of my own. They made my 1st one so special. I still love those girls with all of my heart.

Thank you maltmom for your kind words and I happy that your step-daughters made your 1st mother’s day memorable.

 

[Kelfa28]

I am going to suggest that you don’t date until your child is out of the house, age 18. I know, a lot of people really feel that is beyond the pale, but from listening to shows like Dr. Laura’s radio talk show, I agree with her that a parent’s primary job is to raise the child(ren) and then you can have your own life again. JMO.

p.s. The highest child abuse statistics come from the mother’s boyfriend.

I just read OP’s post to my husband to get his opinion.

He literally said the exact same thing. “They can wait until the kid is 18…then date again.”

I know this is the eleven year old boy coming out of him. He watched his parent’s marriage fall apart and was happy it did because it was better for both of them.

What he hated more then anything was the new boyfriends/girlfriends his parent’s brought into his life and the craziness this caused.

Granted I don’t have the same experience but I’ve watched my best friend become a widow with a child who will never know her father.
This child also just watched her mother’s new relationship fall apart after they co-habitated and her child assumed this boyfriend was her father.

It’s tough but I agree…you’re a parent first and your social life will come second.

 

[ShanaA1984]

I just read OP’s post to my husband to get his opinion.

He literally said the exact same thing. “They can wait until the kid is 18…then date again.”

I know this is the eleven year old boy coming out of him. He watched his parent’s marriage fall apart and was happy it did because it was better for both of them.

What he hated more then anything was the new boyfriends/girlfriends his parent’s brought into his life and the craziness this caused.

Granted I don’t have the same experience but I’ve watched my best friend become a widow with a child who will never know her father.
This child also just watched her mother’s new relationship fall apart after they co-habitated and her child assumed this boyfriend was her father.
It’s tough but I agree…you’re a parent first and your social life will come second.

I totaly understand the logic in waiting until my daughter is 18. I really do, but in the same respect I would like to try and date now while she is as young as she is, but as she gets older I really don’t see myself dating at all because I DON’T want to cause her any confusion. Also the bolded (mine) is why I would not under any circumstance want to introduce my dd to any man I may or may not date until I knew for sure that I was going to marry him.

 

[feed_me]

I do have a question but it basically relates to this type of topic, so I don’t want to thread jack, but I do know that it would be a waste of thread if we are on the same topic. I don’t want to ask if it will seem like thread jacking, even if it is on the same topic. Just saving room.

 

[Kelfa28]

I totaly understand the logic in waiting until my daughter is 18. I really do, but in the same respect I would like to try and date now while she is as young as she is, but as she gets older I really don’t see myself dating at all because I DON’T want to cause her any confusion. Also the bolded (mine) is why I would not under any circumstance want to introduce my dd to any man I may or may not date until I knew for sure that I was going to marry him.

This was my argument as well. Not to bring about a new guy until you are sure you’ll marry him.

Unfortunately my best friend thought that her guy was the one. He packed up and moved out a couple of days ago without much warning and her poor daughter is beside herself.
She is only four and has no idea what is going on except the man she identified as “dad” is not there anymore and she doesn’t know why.
Granted I’m not condoning her behavior and the situation wasn’t ideal since she is not Christian and has committed more sins then I can count that she won’t see as wrong…but she really thought they were going to get married.

I suppose someone who is Catholic and serious about their faith will have better judgement when they discern marriage…but my husband’s mother is a devote protestant with two divorces under her belt and she caused quite a bit of damage on my husband when he was young.

 

[cmscms]

I would like to try and date now while she is as young as she is, but as she gets older I really don’t see myself dating at all because I DON’T want to cause her any confusion.

I mean this in a respecful way: How is waiting until she is older going to be more confusing? Don’t kid yourself, at 3.5 your DD may not have the words to express herself but she sure know what is going on. Dating now will be just as confusing as when she is older. If anything, as she is older, if your romantic relationship goes sour in an unfriendly way, although it will hurt your DD, the scars will not be as deep as when she is this young

CM

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Hi, I don’t want to depress you, but I think the attitude displayed by the poster *andreashofer’ is one that is very common among Catholic men. **They are inclined to see single mothers as ‘damaged goods’ ***and wouldn’t dream of dating one.

That was my FIL’s attitude toward my wife and it has always disgusted me. I met my wife a few weeks after our son was born. My FIL actively discouraged me from dating her, not only when we were just friends, but when we first started dating and even after we got engaged. I remember more than a few conversations with him where he referred to her as “damaged goods,” (he called her much worse when I wasn’t around), and he often insulted me for dirtying my hands with her, or stooping so low as to date a girl with a child (yes, this was his own daughter he was talking about).

The thing is, I never saw our son as a deterrent or a detriment to our relationship. I never viewed my wife as damaged goods, or thought any less of myself for “stooping” to date her. I let her know very early on that I viewed dating as a path toward marriage, and that if we ever did get married, there was no question that he’d be part of the deal. I wouldn’t trade being his dad for anything, and I don’t look at him any differently than I do our other children.

To the OP, I’ve always believed that having two loving parents is best for a child. I can’t imagine how hard things would have been for my wife to raise our son on her own. It can be difficult to find someone who’s open to raising a child who isn’t biologically their own so you have to use a good deal of caution & discernment. In general, I wouldn’t recommend bringing your daughter around anyone you’re not certain you’re going to marry. Granted, I started spending time with our son almost immediately after we started dating, but I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my wife from the first time I saw her, so I was fairly certain there was no chance of him becoming attached to me only to have me drop out of the picture. I wish you all the best and hope you don’t take the hateful, arrogant attitudes to heart.

 

[AthenaC]

Single moms are fairly common now. That isn’t a deal-breaker for a lot of men.

Good luck!

Very true. When I started dating (with two kids - almost 3 and a baby at the time), I expected to have very limited options. Boy was I wrong! One of the upsides of the sexual revolution is that there are a LOT more single moms, so the dating market stigma against single moms is all but gone.

Still, to my mind, it is more important to raise my children well, than to seek my own satisfaction, if it could possibly lead to damage to them.

You sound a lot like my mom.

However, my experience has been that the best way to raise the children well is to make sure they have a mother AND a father figure. They need to know what it feels like to have a loving father, they need to know how a man should treat them (both girls), and they need to see a healthy marriage modeled between their mom and stepdad.

Thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut so far with one exception. Allow me to explain my situation further.

Before my conversion I was an EXTREMELY lapsed ELCA Lutheran and while I was in the military I had a fling with a a guy who was temporally stationed at the same hospital I worked at after returning from 2 tours in Iraq. We had been dating briefly when I found myself pregnant (while I was on the pill at the time). My DD’s father wanted nothing to do with me or my child and stopped contacting me after he found out, he gave up his parental rights, and I have never heard from him again. I discharged from the military and went back home to be closer to my parents so I would have support system. I have been raising DD by myself ever since.

Now to clarify somethings:

1. My DD is my world. Her needs come even before my own (as it should). I am not the type of person who would neglect my child for a man.
2. When I do start dating again ( I have refrained from doing so for the past 4 years) I have no intention of introducing my DD to ANY man unless we are heading in the direction of marriage. I will be up front with the fact that she exists but no introductions will be made until I see the relationship being permanent
3. I will not date any man unless he is ok with the fact I have child and open to the option of possibly adopting her as his own. If there was the slightest chance that she would not be treated like she was his own flesh and blood I would end the relationship immediately.

You sound a bit like me. When I was younger I was extremely liberal about sex and passionately pro-life. Sex times fertility constant (*) divide by the failure rate of birth control equals two kids (for me, anyway).

(*) The “fertility constant” is a measure of fertility for each individual woman, and includes that particular woman’s body’s resistance to birth control. This will likely be unknown but can be estimated by estimating the fertility constants of nearby female relatives.

Anyway, I would let the kid meet any potential date early on, just as a friend. You can see how he reacts to her and treats her. In my case I ended up letting a guy go after one date - the first time he met the kids. Not that there was anything wrong with how he treated the kids; I just sensed that it wasn’t the right time in his life to be with a woman with kids. He’s still on my Facebook, and he got engaged a year ago; he’s a great guy and I’m happy for him.

Also, think about what you want vs. what you need in a husband. For me, I wanted a Catholic husband, but any Catholic guys I met had very … erm … strange ideas theologically, and I really didn’t want any of that corrupting my kids. I found that I would rather have an intellectually honest agnostic (who is otherwise perfect for our family) with whom I have a non-aggression pact when it comes to religion (read: I am raising the girls Catholic. He doesn’t have to help me, but he does have to agree not to undermine me.)

Also, dating with kids is a great position of power for you. You hear sometimes about young couples who date and marry, only to find some big deal-breaker (or near-dealbreaker) once they have kids. Well, you don’t have that issue. You dictate exactly what is up for negotiation in marriage, and what exactly is non-negotiable (see my previous paragraph regarding religion). Also, guys who would not be okay with being a dad to the kid tend to weed themselves out.

Also, pray. I was fortunate that my husband literally dropped into my lap. When the time is right, meet people the way you know how, and God will send someone your way.

That was my FIL’s attitude toward my wife and it has always disgusted me. I met my wife a few weeks after our son was born. My FIL actively discouraged me from dating her, not only when we were just friends, but when we first started dating and even after we got engaged. I remember more than a few conversations with him where he referred to her as “damaged goods,” (he called her much worse when I wasn’t around), and he often insulted me for dirtying my hands with her, or stooping so low as to date a girl with a child (yes, this was his own daughter he was talking about).

The thing is, I never saw our son as a deterrent or a detriment to our relationship. I never viewed my wife as damaged goods, or thought any less of myself for “stooping” to date her. I let her know very early on that I viewed dating as a path toward marriage, and that if we ever did get married, there was no question that he’d be part of the deal. I wouldn’t trade being his dad for anything, and I don’t look at him any differently than I do our other children.

To the OP, I’ve always believed that having two loving parents is best for a child. I can’t imagine how hard things would have been for my wife to raise our son on her own. It can be difficult to find someone who’s open to raising a child who isn’t biologically their own so you have to use a good deal of caution & discernment. In general, I wouldn’t recommend bringing your daughter around anyone you’re not certain you’re going to marry. Granted, I started spending time with our son almost immediately after we started dating, but I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my wife from the first time I saw her, so I was fairly certain there was no chance of him becoming attached to me only to have me drop out of the picture. I wish you all the best and hope you don’t take the hateful, arrogant attitudes to heart.

You sound a lot like my husband, and I am very happy for you and your wife. In our case, we both had a lot of experience before we got together, so it made no logical sense for us to see each other as “damaged goods.” Not that logic stops many people, but logic happens to be a shared value we have. Plus, he was raised by a single mom and he saw her dating occasionally.

Overall - you’ll find someone when the time is right, OP. Good luck!

 

[kelvinf]

That was my FIL’s attitude toward my wife and it has always disgusted me. I met my wife a few weeks after our son was born. My FIL actively discouraged me from dating her, not only when we were just friends, but when we first started dating and even after we got engaged. I remember more than a few conversations with him where he referred to her as “damaged goods,” (he called her much worse when I wasn’t around), and he often insulted me for dirtying my hands with her, or stooping so low as to date a girl with a child (yes, this was his own daughter he was talking about).

The thing is, I never saw our son as a deterrent or a detriment to our relationship. I never viewed my wife as damaged goods, or thought any less of myself for “stooping” to date her. I let her know very early on that I viewed dating as a path toward marriage, and that if we ever did get married, there was no question that he’d be part of the deal. I wouldn’t trade being his dad for anything, and I don’t look at him any differently than I do our other children.

To the OP, I’ve always believed that having two loving parents is best for a child. I can’t imagine how hard things would have been for my wife to raise our son on her own. It can be difficult to find someone who’s open to raising a child who isn’t biologically their own so you have to use a good deal of caution & discernment. In general, I wouldn’t recommend bringing your daughter around anyone you’re not certain you’re going to marry. Granted, I started spending time with our son almost immediately after we started dating, but I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my wife from the first time I saw her, so I was fairly certain there was no chance of him becoming attached to me only to have me drop out of the picture. I wish you all the best and hope you don’t take the hateful, arrogant attitudes to heart.

Like!

 

[ShanaA1984]

That was my FIL’s attitude toward my wife and it has always disgusted me. I met my wife a few weeks after our son was born. My FIL actively discouraged me from dating her, not only when we were just friends, but when we first started dating and even after we got engaged. I remember more than a few conversations with him where he referred to her as “damaged goods,” (he called her much worse when I wasn’t around), and he often insulted me for dirtying my hands with her, or stooping so low as to date a girl with a child (yes, this was his own daughter he was talking about).

The thing is, I never saw our son as a deterrent or a detriment to our relationship. I never viewed my wife as damaged goods, or thought any less of myself for “stooping” to date her. I let her know very early on that I viewed dating as a path toward marriage, and that if we ever did get married, there was no question that he’d be part of the deal. I wouldn’t trade being his dad for anything, and I don’t look at him any differently than I do our other children.

To the OP, I’ve always believed that having two loving parents is best for a child. I can’t imagine how hard things would have been for my wife to raise our son on her own. It can be difficult to find someone who’s open to raising a child who isn’t biologically their own so you have to use a good deal of caution & discernment. In general, I wouldn’t recommend bringing your daughter around anyone you’re not certain you’re going to marry. Granted, I started spending time with our son almost immediately after we started dating, but I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my wife from the first time I saw her, so I was fairly certain there was no chance of him becoming attached to me only to have me drop out of the picture. I wish you all the best and hope you don’t take the hateful, arrogant attitudes to heart.

Thank you. Great post. The way I see it, is that if someone views me as “damaged goods” well then they are simply not worth my time and I would be more than happy to find someone else who does value me for him I am flaws and all.