Dating with the Intent to Marry

[akelios]

Hello,

I have a question that I would love to know people’s opinions on.

I’ve been dating a friend of mine off and on for years (through HS and some after), but it’s been very off and on. I think we date each other when we’ve got nothing better to do, really. Anyway. I’m converting to Catholicism, and doing a lot of reviewing my life, trying to make it more of what it should be. And one of the things I realized is that if I’m dating someone, if I can’t see marrying them, then I need to break it off. Which is not a problem with the on again, off again guy. We “broke up” again a few months ago, and are back to just being friends.

However, the majority of my girl friends, when I explained to them why we broke up this time, have declared the opinion that I’ve lost my mind.

So, the basic question, I guess, is this: Is it nuts to date someone for a while, get to know them enough to understand that you cannot see marrying them and having a family and breaking it off for that reason?

I know it’s sort of a general question, but I’d really like to hear some opinions aside from my current set of friends, who, as I said, believe that I’ve gone off the deep end.

Thanks,
Amber

 

[1ke]

The **purpose **of dating is to discern marriage. If you discern they are NOT marriage material, then you stop dating.

It’s perfectly simple and you’ve got it. Nothing crazy about it at all.

Those who think you are crazy simply misunderstand the purpose of dating. They likely think of it as something to “do” to fill the time and have “fun.”

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

So, the basic question, I guess, is this: Is it nuts to date someone for a while, get to know them enough to understand that you cannot see marrying them and having a family and breaking it off for that reason?

**Mostly I’d say, no, it’s not nuts. But it really depends on how you (and he) define “dating”… You say that you date and then go back to being just friends. What is the difference between the two relationships for the both of you?

Generally I’d have to say that anyone who dates a person, gets to know them, realizes that they can’t see themselves marrying/having kids with that person, and then CONTINUES to date them is NUTS, lol. Especially if sex is involved (and in today’s society it almost always is) because that is how babies are made (since most of society is still very surprised when they find this out)…**

 

[KCT]

So, the basic question, I guess, is this: Is it nuts to date someone for a while, get to know them enough to understand that you cannot see marrying them and having a family and breaking it off for that reason?

In general, no it’s not nuts. Why keep going out if the relationship is not going anywhere? Just for fun? To use the person until you’re bored and want to move on?

I will add, though, that I believe young people should do lots of things in groups - movies, bowling, church work, missions etc. That way you really get to know people w/o the attachment of one on one dating.

 

[ComputerGeek25]

Hello,

I have a question that I would love to know people’s opinions on.

I’ve been dating a friend of mine off and on for years (through HS and some after), but it’s been very off and on. I think we date each other when we’ve got nothing better to do, really. Anyway. I’m converting to Catholicism, and doing a lot of reviewing my life, trying to make it more of what it should be. And one of the things I realized is that if I’m dating someone, if I can’t see marrying them, then I need to break it off. Which is not a problem with the on again, off again guy. We “broke up” again a few months ago, and are back to just being friends.

However, the majority of my girl friends, when I explained to them why we broke up this time, have declared the opinion that I’ve lost my mind.

So, the basic question, I guess, is this: Is it nuts to date someone for a while, get to know them enough to understand that you cannot see marrying them and having a family and breaking it off for that reason?

I know it’s sort of a general question, but I’d really like to hear some opinions aside from my current set of friends, who, as I said, believe that I’ve gone off the deep end.

Thanks,
Amber

I think your premise is correct and is very prudent and wise. However, don’t get into the trap of making the judgement on the first date. Get to know the person before you make the decision.

 

[Nechasin]

IMHO, marriage is the reason for dating and if you cannot see yourself marrying someone why continue dating them. I think that is a sign of maturity.

 

[akelios]

Thanks, good to know I’m not totally off.

As far as the relationship between myself and my friend, I guess you could call it dating in the loosest sense of the word. We’d go to dinner, movies, that sort of stuff. But, technically, if you get down to it, we haven’t seriously dated in the classic sense since early in HS. We both know we’re not going to get any farther than friends, we don’t agree on far too many things. Thinking about it, we probably only even called it dating because all of our friends just assumed that if we were hanging out then we must be back together. And we just sort of went along with it.

But the question was really for, you know, future reference. Hopefully I’ll actually date someone else at some point, and I just think, if, after I’ve gotten to know them I can’t see a future in it, then it just needs to be broken off. Which is where my friends’ issues come in. They think, assuming he’s a ‘good catch’ that I should (theoretically, there’s no actual person in reference here) hold on to him and ‘fix’ the issues as time goes on. But if they’re massive issues, like children, I don’t know that those things can be ‘fixed’.

Thanks again,
Amber

 

[1ke]

They think, assuming he’s a ‘good catch’ that I should (theoretically, there’s no actual person in reference here) hold on to him and ‘fix’ the issues as time goes on. But if they’re massive issues, like children, I don’t know that those things can be ‘fixed’.

You are FAR ahead of your friends. You’ve got it right. And, embracing this fundamental principle now will save you so much heartache you can’t even imagine.

You can’t “fix” another person. You cannot change their core beliefs, values, vision for their life, personality, or behavior.

They might be able to change these things about themselves, but depending upon what it is-- that is NOT likely and would require extensive effort of the will.

Strive to use dating as a discernment process for marriage, and date men who share your core values, beliefs, and vision for marriage and family.

 

[Spirithound]

So, the basic question, I guess, is this: Is it nuts to date someone for a while, get to know them enough to understand that you cannot see marrying them and having a family and breaking it off for that reason?

It sounds like you’ve zeroed right in on the whole reason for dating

 

[mammallama]

So why even use the word “dating”? Sounds like a friendship to me.You used to have a date-go-steady-see-each-other type of realtionship and when it became appaerent that marriage was not in your collective futures then the two of you became pals?Right?I assume and please correct me if I am wrong that there is no sex involved…It’s good to have male friends and get the male perspective,

 

[Nechasin]

…Thinking about it, we probably only even called it dating because all of our friends just assumed that if we were hanging out then we must be back together. And we just sort of went along with it.
…Hopefully I’ll actually date someone else at some point…

As a guy, the above quote concerned me. I chopped the quote to reflect what I read, so I hope it isn’t too much out of context or my comments aren’t too much off topic.

Anyway the point that I want to make, is if your friends see that you have a “dating” relationship with this guy, then other guys will probably see this also and you may miss out on the right guy because he backs off because he thinks you are unavailable. Just something to keep in mind.

 

[akelios]

So why even use the word “dating”? Sounds like a friendship to me.You used to have a date-go-steady-see-each-other type of realtionship and when it became appaerent that marriage was not in your collective futures then the two of you became pals?Right?I assume and please correct me if I am wrong that there is no sex involved…It’s good to have male friends and get the male perspective,

Hmm, I guess my problem is, I don’t really have guy friends. The way my family was, once you hit eight or nine, boys weren’t really welcome at the house as playpals. So I don’t really have a set of values for what to do with a guy that I’m not dating. And you’re correct, there was never any sex involved. I’ve managed not to trip into that hole so far.

Anyway the point that I want to make, is if your friends see that you have a “dating” relationship with this guy, then other guys will probably see this also and you may miss out on the right guy because he backs off because he thinks you are unavailable. Just something to keep in mind.

And you’re probably right. My issue is, in actually thinking about it, once we broke up the very first time, we’ve never done anything that I wouldn’t do with my girl friends. So, what can you do with a guy who is a friend, but not of the dating kind, and not have people assume that you’re really dating? The only thing I can think of is to just not have male friends. Saves on the confusion. But then, if you can’t have any guys as friends, how do you find a boyfriend?

-Amber

 

[chevalier]

So, the basic question, I guess, is this: Is it nuts to date someone for a while, get to know them enough to understand that you cannot see marrying them and having a family and breaking it off for that reason?

No, it is nuts to date someone when you cannot see marrying him and having a family.

 

[mammallama]

So you assume potential suitors will think you have a “boyfriend” if they see you with a guy?I don’t know how old you are but any mature person ought to know that you can just sense when two people are in a romantic relationship.You know,the body language,the eye contact,maybe holding hands…Why dump on a long time friend just to show the outside world that you are available?Maybe if you invited another girl along you wouldn’t feel so bad?? Maybe one of those girlfriends who think you’ve lost your mind?Perhaps then these female friends will realize that this guy is only a buddy.

 

[ack]

So you assume potential suitors will think you have a “boyfriend” if they see you with a guy?I don’t know how old you are but any mature person ought to know that you can just sense when two people are in a romantic relationship.

Well, apparently her girl friends are not “mature people” then…and I could easily see them telling potential suitors that she’s not available.

My issue is, in actually thinking about it, once we broke up the very first time, we’ve never done anything that I wouldn’t do with my girl friends. So, what can you do with a guy who is a friend, but not of the dating kind, and not have people assume that you’re really dating? The only thing I can think of is to just not have male friends. Saves on the confusion. But then, if you can’t have any guys as friends, how do you find a boyfriend?

Invite other people on your outings. Do things with him in groups.

 

[whatevergirl]

You know what’s interesting about reading this thread…I have come to the realization that I dated as a teen and in college, without the intent to marry anyone (well maybe one guy), except my husband. I didn’t sleep with men prior to marriage–but I looked at dating as…fun…light hearted…but now that my son is a teenager he commented the other day…‘why bother dating if I’m not going to get married anytime soon?’

He is smarter than me when I was his age. I truly look at things very differently now, and largely from what I’ve learned on this board. I now see the reason to not ‘frivolously’ date…I mean, you could hurt people’s feelings, and also…there was a lot of wasted time I spent back in college, dating people who I knew didn’t stand a snowball’s chance in Florida of marrying me.

Looking back, I wish I had just been friends with guys, and waited to become ‘serious’ with just my hubby. But, now I can pass on my wisdom lol to my daughter and son. Well, my son doesn’t seem to need advice. lol

 

[Magickman]

In truth, which is a good thing, not everyone wants to marry, nor raise children. That is to say, that the intent to marry is not universal.

In any case, a rewarding relationship, whether dating or marriage, will depend on shared values and personality compatibility.

If the shared values and personality compatibility exist in a dating relationship, then I am reluctant to toss that away, because it is not easy to secure.

Each of us should be true to our own dearest values and beliefs. If that means dissolving a great relationship, so be it.

Dating with the Intent to Marry

---

Hello,

I have a question that I would love to know people’s opinions on.

I’ve been dating a friend of mine off and on for years (through HS and some after), but it’s been very off and on. I think we date each other when we’ve got nothing better to do, really. Anyway. I’m converting to Catholicism, and doing a lot of reviewing my life, trying to make it more of what it should be. And one of the things I realized is that if I’m dating someone, if I can’t see marrying them, then I need to break it off. Which is not a problem with the on again, off again guy. We “broke up” again a few months ago, and are back to just being friends.

However, the majority of my girl friends, when I explained to them why we broke up this time, have declared the opinion that I’ve lost my mind.

So, the basic question, I guess, is this: Is it nuts to date someone for a while, get to know them enough to understand that you cannot see marrying them and having a family and breaking it off for that reason?

I know it’s sort of a general question, but I’d really like to hear some opinions aside from my current set of friends, who, as I said, believe that I’ve gone off the deep end.

Thanks,
Amber

 

[Salonika]

akelios:

So, the basic question, I guess, is this: Is it nuts to date someone for a while, get to know them enough to understand that you cannot see marrying them and having a family and breaking it off for that reason? Amber

I don’t think its nuts to break of dating for this reason. The alternative could be a seen as stringing someone along or giving them false hopes.

But in this situation another question arises and that is whether you want to continue seeing/meeting up with the person as a friend. Sometimes the answer will be yes, sometimes no. What does need to be clear and agreed by both parties is the new basis of the relationship.

 

[chevalier]

So you assume potential suitors will think you have a “boyfriend” if they see you with a guy?I don’t know how old you are but any mature person ought to know that you can just sense when two people are in a romantic relationship.

Not really. People spot affection and attachment but they don’t readily distinguish between the kinds. I’ve been addressed as Mr & Mrs or mistaken for a married couple with a good friend on more than one occasion.

You know,the body language,the eye contact,maybe holding hands…

Friends sometimes do that. It’s not always easy to tell.

Why dump on a long time friend just to show the outside world that you are available?

Yup, however. That’s no reason to dump a friend! Friends are people you stick with. That’s loyalty.

Perhaps then these female friends will realize that this guy is only a buddy.

Those female friends could find something productive to do.

 

[The_Sojourner]

I don’t think this is a bad reason to break off a relationship at all…I think it’s an excellent reason.

As far as dating because you’re bored and don’t have anything better to do…back at college I hung out with guys all the time just for companionship and didn’t have anyone assume I was dating them. For example, I used to eat breakfast with 2 guys and 1 girl almost every day, and lunch with the same group a couple of times a week. I suppose someone might have assumed that I was dating one or the other of the guys but I never had anyone ask, “Are you dating so-and-so?”

I also had a best friend who was a guy, we would talk all the time and once or twice we went places together–the one time I recall (there might have been others) we went to a coffeehouse with a group of his friends but the friends ended up leaving over the course of the evening so for the last hour or so it was just the two of us; then we went back to campus together. Maybe you’d call that a date but neither of us considered it so. He mentioned going to the coffeehouse, I was bored and asked if I could tag along, he said yes. Now, a few weeks later I did have someone ask if I was dating this guy, but in between the two events we did mutually decide to call our relationship “dating”, and I think the change showed. (From the get-go it was a decision to actively discern marriage, not just “let’s spend time together and have fun”; we were already doing that almost every day.)

So I do think you can spend time with guys without it being a dating relationship. If you spend a lot of time with 1 guy in particular, then people might think you are dating him. Also the group suggestion that someone else offered is a good idea. That way you can get to know guys without the pressure of one-on-one interaction and people aren’t likely to assume that you’re dating any particular guy in the group.