Dating without "feelings"

[Sarabande]

I guess to bottom line it-- just let it be.

Let it be what it’s going to be. Just go with the flow and see how it develops. At this stage, no one can say whether feelings will blossom or not.

This is very true. I agree with what everyone else here is saying. It also sounds like you are doing the right things. You don’t necessarily have to have the sparks flying right away. Being friends in the meantime can help you discern whether or not he is truly right for you without getting emotions tangled in there to complicate it. My husband and I were friends for 2 1/2 years before we officially started dating. He was head over heels for me almost immediately. I liked him at the time, but I wasn’t interested in getting into relationships (I was only 19) and I was always very cautious when it came to those things. (I never saw the need to have a boyfriend in highschool.)

With some growing and really getting to know him over those years, the sparks really began to fly all over the place - but it took time. Since it is so early in the relationship, I wouldn’t be worried about it. Just keep praying and doing what you are currently doing. You will get the right answers from God and will know where the relationship is heading. At best, he may be your future husband AND friend. At another level, he may be meant to be just a good friend and a beautiful light in your life. There’s nothing wrong with that either.

 

[agapewolf]

Update:

He came to visit for 3 days before Christmas, which is a very stressful time for me, being a Church music director.

I had no increase in any draw to him, but was willing to continue to be open to a possible future. He wanted me to be open, he also said he could be patient and gave me every indication that he was still very interested and was going to give me time.

He went to his home country for Christmas, and I don’t hear from him for 5 days. (I can’t call him, he’s the one with a intl calling card and he didn’t have access to email). He EMAILED ME ON CHRISTMAS a note that said basically, so long and good luck.

An Email on Christmas. After telling me how much he liked me and how he could be patient. Only 6 weeks after I first met him in person.

I didn’t expect him to wait around…it was his prerogative to leave at any time, but I had nor warning and he said he would give me more time, and it was an EMAIL ON CHRISTMAS! sigh … boys are stupid.

If he had giving me an ultimatum I would have said no at the time anyway. I’m not heartbroken, but you can bet that it will be all the more difficult to trust any future ones.

 

[mschrank]

If you met the ‘perfect guy’ and there’s no feelings, maybe it’s because God wanted to show you that you’re meant for other things.

Ever considered religious life? If you have not seriously, and I mean seriously, considered it, you really ought to right now.

 

[whatevergirl]

Update:

He came to visit for 3 days before Christmas, which is a very stressful time for me, being a Church music director.

I had no increase in any draw to him, but was willing to continue to be open to a possible future. He wanted me to be open, he also said he could be patient and gave me every indication that he was still very interested and was going to give me time.

He went to his home country for Christmas, and I don’t hear from him for 5 days. (I can’t call him, he’s the one with a intl calling card and he didn’t have access to email). He EMAILED ME ON CHRISTMAS a note that said basically, so long and good luck.

An Email on Christmas. After telling me how much he liked me and how he could be patient. Only 6 weeks after I first met him in person.

I didn’t expect him to wait around…it was his prerogative to leave at any time, but I had nor warning and he said he would give me more time, and it was an EMAIL ON CHRISTMAS! sigh … boys are stupid.

If he had giving me an ultimatum I would have said no at the time anyway. I’m not heartbroken, but you can bet that it will be all the more difficult to trust any future ones.

Agape;

Now, you can’t just not trust men because of one ‘bad apple,’ as they say. And frankly…he may have sensed that you were not ‘romantically’ interested in him…meaning, those ‘feelings’ we have for someone, when he/she is more than a friend. (the feelings I had over time for my husband when we were dating)

It is possible that he was not sensing that you felt the same way he was feeling, and instead of being rejected, he fled. But, you could run the scenario a zillion different ways and still not figure it out. But, I would encourage you to be open to new possibilities. It will be very hard to not mistrust someone, and hold your feelings back, even if you do have those feelings next time around. Sometimes, we have to go through such things to grow in life. I will pray that God mends your heart…God bless.

(ps: but an email is kind of rude–I’ll give ya that)

 

[agapewolf]

If you met the ‘perfect guy’ and there’s no feelings, maybe it’s because God wanted to show you that you’re meant for other things.

Ever considered religious life? If you have not seriously, and I mean seriously, considered it, you really ought to right now.

It takes a lot of nerve for you to assume so much from my thread.

Yes, I went through discernment awhile ago. I have a spiritual director. I am called to marriage. That part should be assumed in this thread.

I HAVE had feelings in the past for other men. I’m definately not indifferent. I try to avoid comparing.

 

[agapewolf]

Agape;

Now, you can’t just not trust men because of one ‘bad apple,’ as they say. And frankly…he may have sensed that you were not ‘romantically’ interested in him…meaning, those ‘feelings’ we have for someone, when he/she is more than a friend. (the feelings I had over time for my husband when we were dating)

It is possible that he was not sensing that you felt the same way he was feeling, and instead of being rejected, he fled. But, you could run the scenario a zillion different ways and still not figure it out. But, I would encourage you to be open to new possibilities. It will be very hard to not mistrust someone, and hold your feelings back, even if you do have those feelings next time around. Sometimes, we have to go through such things to grow in life. I will pray that God mends your heart…God bless.

(ps: but an email is kind of rude–I’ll give ya that)

There was no “sensing”. I was absolutely honest with him about my thoughts and feelings through the whole process. As I said before, he had every right to leave whenever he wanted to. But with his “promising” to be patient, and giving no warning, and then an email on Christmas. That’s my problem with the whole thing.

 

[Sarabande]

There was no “sensing”. I was absolutely honest with him about my thoughts and feelings through the whole process. As I said before, he had every right to leave whenever he wanted to. But with his “promising” to be patient, and giving no warning, and then an email on Christmas. That’s my problem with the whole thing.

Yes, that was definitely crummy of him. You were honest with him. He could have at least been honest with you and at least contact you in a better medium than email. I understand you being upset by this. Did he say that he didn’t want to pursue the friendship/relationship any longer? I don’t understand how he could just blow cold within 5 days. That doesn’t make any sense and it was unfair to you for him to do that.

I do agree with Whatevergirl to not stop trusting men. They have their weaknesses just as much as we ladies have ours. Some will be more forgivable and tolerable than others. There are plenty of men out there which can be trusted.

To give this man the benefit of the doubt, he might have done some prayer within this time and realized that this wasn’t right for him. BUT the way he handled it was most certainly unwise and really crummy.

 

[whatevergirl]

There was no “sensing”. I was absolutely honest with him about my thoughts and feelings through the whole process. As I said before, he had every right to leave whenever he wanted to. But with his “promising” to be patient, and giving no warning, and then an email on Christmas. That’s my problem with the whole thing.

Oh, ok…I see better now. Hmmm…I am stumped! The rest of what I said holds true though…please don’t let this cause you to distrust others who come your way. Look at everything that happens in life…good bad and indifferent, as learning experiences. I try to anyways, or I would go nuts!

 

[hasikelee]

I’m really thumbs down about the whole “feelings” thing when it comes to dating.

I listen to girls at work talk about that and I have noticed for two years now from 4-5 girls at work that without exception they have no “feelings” whenever they go out with a stable, good, wholesome man.

I can’t figure it out. They let the amazing guys walk out of their life, or even worse ditch them, because they don’t have “feelings.”

I scratch my head over why they don’t have “feelings” for a nice man.

Is it the bad boy image they want? Were their daddies mean, distant, rude, cruel? Are they insecure and unable to be with someone who might be better then them? Are they afraid the good attributes are a lie or a trick?

But, if you can’t commit to a dating relationship and possible marriage because there aren’t feelings, are you sure marriage is an appropriate vocation for you? What will you do when you’ve been married for a year or two and you don’t have those “feelings”? They come and go at their own will, you know.

Oh, is he unattractive?

 

[dulcissima]

Maybe if he thought that you didn’t have any feelings for him, that you wouldn’t really mind. I mean, if he was the one with the feelings for you, maybe talking to you on the phone would have been too rough for him.

 

[gmarie21]

I’ve always looked at dating/courting/loving another and then it doesn’t work out as being likened to Wild E. Coyote. He always goes after the Road Runner and he always ends up being the one hurt. But, does he stop going after the Road Runner? Does he stop trusting all Road Runners because of the one? I know that this is a goofy analogy, but to me it makes sense. LIFE is about taking chances, you don’t risk big, you don’t lose big. You risk big, you either win or lose big. If you sincerely trust in God, then the thought of being more “cautious” about all men is completely contradictory to that trust in God. Make yourself open to the point that one should when approaching the marriage vocation through courting. Don’t close yourself off b/c things didn’t work out with one person (that’s the whole point of courting, friendship until one finds another to explore things further and the other agrees).

 

[aboverubies]

Maybe if he thought that you didn’t have any feelings for him, that you wouldn’t really mind. I mean, if he was the one with the feelings for you, maybe talking to you on the phone would have been too rough for him.

I was thinking this too…perhaps he felt a bit silly all of a sudden, having feelings for a girl who wasn’t sure if she returned those feelings…maybe his ego was bruised and he took the easy way out? Maybe he was worried he would get too emotional on the phone and thought it better to compose his thoughts in an email?You never know, he might call you down the track and apologise…end things on a better note?

 

[OSUbride0708]

honestly, you don’t even know the guy yet. give him some time, and then if after awhile you feel that it’s merely friendship and nothing more, then you worry about it. have fun getting to know him truly first before even considering marriage or anything like that. if he meets your criteria now then you are not dating him for no reason.

 

[JustAnotherThou]

He went to his home country for Christmas, and I don’t hear from him for 5 days. (I can’t call him, he’s the one with a intl calling card and he didn’t have access to email). He EMAILED ME ON CHRISTMAS a note that said basically, so long and good luck.

An Email on Christmas. After telling me how much he liked me and how he could be patient. Only 6 weeks after I first met him in person.

My first opinion: Be cautious on dating internationally. I met my husband on Ave Maria, I remember there were quite a few men that would message me from foreign countries. I talked to many, although I pretty much put a stop to it when I had one tell me that there are plenty of “stupid American girls that will marry anyone that tells them what they want to hear”. I was in shock until I talking to some other single women on the site and heard about their experiences. One of the women I talked to had also found some of the same men on other Christian dating sites.

Now I am not saying this was the case with the guy you were talking to, although I do think it is something to be cautious about.

My second opinion: I fell head over heals for the guy I dated prior to my husband. The sparks were there and flying all over the place and he was everything I could have asked for. He ended up having to move for work and it really just didn’t work out. My husband I didn’t have anywhere near those sparks. We have been married for 3 years now and although I love him greatly, I still don’t think I had the romantic sparks I thought I would for my husband. He is a GREAT husband though and I love and cherish him more than anyone.

Last opinion: I posted a thread just about this, if you haven’t been to the National Catholic Singles Conference I would HIGHLY suggest you try to attend one. I went to the first one and it was very spiritually inspiring!! I didn’t go to meet my future husband. Actually we were kind of dating when I went. Things I learned from that conference really put me in perspective of the vocation of marriage.

 

[chevalier]

I’m really thumbs down about the whole “feelings” thing when it comes to dating…]Oh, is he unattractive?

Feelings are there for a reason. They might be a misleading and there’s all the rational approach that they’re not a reality but a response to it etc. On the other hand, those feelings are what makes us human, in addition to the brain. Animals have brains and we have brains. They have some lower-level understanding, we have the bigger intellect. Animals display attachment and even perhaps some form of love to their companions and their human masters. We have higher feelings. The heart does count.

I can’t really see why no feelings should appear between a good man and a good woman, both looking for someone to marry and both sharing some interests and attitudes between themselves. Perhaps there’s some level on which there’s no connection. Or, as you say, perhaps the other person is not attractive. And what if the person isn’t attractive? Perhaps that’s for a reason. And if not, then certainly, no matter as how improper or selfish we might regard it, lack of attraction stands. I don’t really wish anyone a marriage without attraction, in which the primary concentration is on fulfilling the duties and sex is a chore, let alone anything remotely resembling emotional and spiritual intimacy between the wife and the husband.

Most certainly, I wouldn’t like to be a part of the matching process seen as basically getting the best one can within a given timeframe, using a simple, near-scientific calculation. “Where’s the place in that for me,” I would ask. If I heard, “Because you’re the only available Catholic lawyer of the right age with tolerable levels of arrogance and self-absorption,” I’d think it were a joke and a good one. But if it weren’t a joke, I would run for the hills. Even if I loved the woman.

Now, I’m not implying that’s how you’d see marriage… but if you take the “feelings are not important” attitude to the extreme, then that’s how it will end. We can’t really just be charitable and merciful to a spouse and nothing more. Heck, actually, charity and mercy are feelings too. Friendship also is. They’re intertwined with will, but the trend in theology to disregard the emotional (lower level) and feelings (higher level) side of it is not something I share and I find it somewhat unhuman, cruel.

What problem your friends might have is that perhaps those good men don’t strike the right cord with them. There’s less mystery about a good man. There’s less uncertainty. There’s normally less of “ruggedly handsome”, pirate charm and what have you. There are fewer, if any, mind games, domination tricks and machismo. And some women just can’t be drawn much to a man without that. With a change of heart, however, following a change of mind, i.e. if their hearts change after the manner of how they came to realise what’s really good for them, they will be able to fall in love with such a man that doesn’t offer much of a thrill.

 

[laariii]

I couldn’t date someone without having feelings for them.
I find that when you get to know someone & develop feelings for them their physical attractiveness increases. So good looks (or lack of) are pretty trivial in the long run.