dating!

[buckr02]

I just got back!

I don’t have time to give details but for now I will just say that it was awesome! and I will give detail when I have time.

–buckr02

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

I just got back!

I don’t have time to give details but for now I will just say that it was awesome! and I will give detail when I have time.

–buckr02

Glad to hear that it went well!

 

[Sierrah]

Well at least somebody is getting a dating…:thumbsup: Glad it worked out. Hope that contiues for you.

 

[buckr02]

Ok, so I thought I would give some details and also ask a question or two.

The first date was awesome - we ended up going bowling and then went to get some food. It was great cause there weren’t really any awkward pauses in the conversation and we had a lot of fun together.

Anyway, that’s the general overview and now we have another date scheduled for Friday. I was wondering though - I am confused in a way about something. It seems like there’s only so much you can talk about with one person before there’s not much else to talk about. I’m still worried there won’t be much to say. I saw her today briefly and things kind of felt awkward for me in a way. I guess I am unsure of what to expect. Should I feel an automatic feeling of connection or something?

I’m also worried because of stuff I talked about on here before with another girl. whatevergirl would especially be able to help. I was crazy about this girl for a long time and I’m worried I’m comparing the compatibility between this new girl and me to the compatibility of the old girl and me. I figure I just have to take it slow to figure out how I’m going to feel about her?

 

[The_Catechumen]

Congrats on getting a second date! I’m glad you had fun on the first.

Keep ahead of you that the entire dating process can be regarded as an extended opportunity to get to know someone. Surely you don’t know everything there is to know about her already, right? Of course not. You’ve only likely scratched the surface by now. Having said that though, one of the biggest pitfalls of the post-first-date scenario is spilling your guts too early and offering up way too much about yourself: this includes spending an hour relating your life story or revealing some horrible skeleton in your closet. These things scare women away, so try to avoid that.

Instead, focus on asking questions and following up with conversation. You’ll never know when a little tangent will diverge into a rabbit hole of hours of chit chat! Even if you’re a rather boring guy like I am, it’s easy to simulate being interesting and charismatic guy by instead being interested – in her! People enjoy being the center of attention; this is not a gendered condition. The best part is that you don’t have to be phony about anything. If you are indeed genuinely interested in her as a person, then this shouldn’t be too difficult. Just stay on your toes! And if things fall flat and there’s a pregnant pause in conversation, feel free to make a silly joke or a casual observation about your surroundings. You never know where things can go until you try!

On the flip side, there are plenty of people out there who thrive on these moments of silence and pause. These people have a rather uncanny talent for projecting non-verbal communication which is, frankly, a bit beyond me. A certain smile, a flash of the eyes, a simple hand gesture, all resulting in a spectacular level of attraction. I haven’t figured it out yet though, so I have to rely on the strictly inferior method of keeping a girl talking until things go in a different direction altogether. :blushing:

I figure I just have to take it slow to figure out how I’m going to feel about her?

Bingo. A professor of mine was once fond of saying, “You don’t know what you don’t know.” By the same token, you can’t force your feelings based upon some arbitrary sense of expectation. Again, you’re still in the “getting to know you” phase. Keep that ahead of you and you’ll be fine.

Good luck!

 

[OLHope]

Slowly, but surely! You want to be certain, right? Time will tell. You find out the most information by the way their family and friends talk about her. So if this person is good, nurturing, and faith filled material, then keep it going as nice and as casual as possible.

You are dating/courting her for potential marriage, right? I mean you are in a good place in your life to begin the marriage vocation process? Is she? So right now I think you need to figure out if the nervousness around each other is still there. Can you tell if the interest to see each other is still nice and somewhat thrilling?

Once you get to a place where you feel comfortable (this could take months), I say go ahead and talk about anything you want to, especially if she asks first, and just be honest about everything. A lot of people hate this phase because it forces them to relive their past or past mistakes. If you are like most of us in here, though, you probably have nothing to hide, so it shouldn’t be a problem. If you get the opportunity in your area, join young adult programs together, it might make you both learn about each other, make great friends, and grow more in faith at the same time.

As far as bringing up past girlfriends/boyfriends, this is a bad thing, I had a guy talk to me once on a first date about his two failed marriages, the whole time I worked with him I never knew he’d been married, sure enough, I didn’t date him again. Broken relationships would never keep conversations upbeat, for one thing. For another, you must wipe the slate clean with a new person, you cannot begin to just stereotype the next person with any similar bad behaviors from the past ones. Give them a chance. No bad vibes, no negativity, no blunt/direct offenses, keep things light and airy, non-chalant, cool.

 

[chevalier]

Even if you’re a rather boring guy like I am, it’s easy to simulate being interesting and charismatic guy by instead being interested – in her! People enjoy being the center of attention; this is not a gendered condition. The best part is that you don’t have to be phony about anything. If you are indeed genuinely interested in her as a person, then this shouldn’t be too difficult. Just stay on your toes! And if things fall flat and there’s a pregnant pause in conversation, feel free to make a silly joke or a casual observation about your surroundings. You never know where things can go until you try!

Simulate? You sure you used the right word? No point simulating. Truth always finds its way. So what do you tell the other person then? “Sorry, I knew that wasn’t what you were expecting, but I loved you, so I had to get you?”

Face the problem head on and make yourself a good PR for what you are!

 

[buckr02]

So I have an unfortunate update for everyone.

She and I went out twice and the second date was even better than the first! I was really excited cause I was starting to like her a lot and she seemed to be diggin me, so things were going really well.

Anyway, shortly after this second date she started becoming distant and avoided me (we were both at several events at our church). After a few days of wondering what was going on and trying to schedule a third date, I called and left a voicemail saying that if she wanted to go out again to call me, otherwise we could hopefully stay friends.

A day later I finally talked to her on the phone and here is the deal: she said that I am the first person she dated after a very “emotionally crippling” break-up from a several year long relationship (I dunno when they actually broke up) and after going out with me discovered she really wasn’t ready to be dating and it wasn’t fair for me, etc.

So that wraps that up. I really like her and told her that if at some point she wants to go out again to feel free to call and maybe we could try again. I am new to the dating thing, but I’m guessing that it’s pretty much done and I shouldn’t expect her to be calling me at any point. We will still be seeing each other at our parish events, so we won’t lose touch completely.

Eh, such is life. It’s disappointing, but what can I do?

 

[chevalier]

Move on, pray for her, no hard feelings.

 

[Sierrah]

So I have an unfortunate update for everyone.

She and I went out twice and the second date was even better than the first! I was really excited cause I was starting to like her a lot and she seemed to be diggin me, so things were going really well.

Anyway, shortly after this second date she started becoming distant and avoided me (we were both at several events at our church). After a few days of wondering what was going on and trying to schedule a third date, I called and left a voicemail saying that if she wanted to go out again to call me, otherwise we could hopefully stay friends.

A day later I finally talked to her on the phone and here is the deal: she said that I am the first person she dated after a very “emotionally crippling” break-up from a several year long relationship (I dunno when they actually broke up) and after going out with me discovered she really wasn’t ready to be dating and it wasn’t fair for me, etc.

So that wraps that up. I really like her and told her that if at some point she wants to go out again to feel free to call and maybe we could try again. I am new to the dating thing, but I’m guessing that it’s pretty much done and I shouldn’t expect her to be calling me at any point. We will still be seeing each other at our parish events, so we won’t lose touch completely.

Eh, such is life. It’s disappointing, but what can I do?

I wouldn’t hold out much hope there but it’s good that you left the door open a crack. Give her some time and space which it sounds like what you’re already doing. If it’s meant to be it will happen in Gods time.

 

[CB_Catholic]

So I have an unfortunate update for everyone.

She and I went out twice and the second date was even better than the first! I was really excited cause I was starting to like her a lot and she seemed to be diggin me, so things were going really well.

Anyway, shortly after this second date she started becoming distant and avoided me (we were both at several events at our church). After a few days of wondering what was going on and trying to schedule a third date, I called and left a voicemail saying that if she wanted to go out again to call me, otherwise we could hopefully stay friends.

A day later I finally talked to her on the phone and here is the deal: she said that I am the first person she dated after a very “emotionally crippling” break-up from a several year long relationship (I dunno when they actually broke up) and after going out with me discovered she really wasn’t ready to be dating and it wasn’t fair for me, etc.

So that wraps that up. I really like her and told her that if at some point she wants to go out again to feel free to call and maybe we could try again. I am new to the dating thing, but I’m guessing that it’s pretty much done and I shouldn’t expect her to be calling me at any point. We will still be seeing each other at our parish events, so we won’t lose touch completely.

Eh, such is life. It’s disappointing, but what can I do?

Well, from a woman’s point of view, it sounds like she is a little scared because she had a good enough time with you that she’s afraid of getting involved again. Sounds weird, but if someone has had an emotionally devastating experience they often become wary of their own feelings for fear of being hurt again. She is just going to have to work this out on her own. Just remain friends as you were before.

And meanwhile, there are other fish in the sea.

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

Yup, like other posters said, move on. From what you’ve posted, it seems that you left the door open, but she didn’t, as far as I can tell. Just be glad that you actually got an explanation. There’re people out there who don’t even have the courtesy of giving you that much. Speaking of which, I kinda feel bad now, because I think I just recently did that to someone.

 

[Sierrah]

Yup, like other posters said, move on. From what you’ve posted, it seems that you left the door open, but she didn’t, as far as I can tell. Just be glad that you actually got an explanation. There’re people out there who don’t even have the courtesy of giving you that much.

AMEN to that. It’s nice to have an answer even if it’s not what you want to hear. It’s immature to just disappear unless the person is acting bizzare or dangerous.

 

[buckr02]

Yeah I actually kept a very cool head during the conversation because I was just glad to be getting an explanation. By that point I had thought she was going to ignore me.

Then later I realized the full implications of what we discussed, haha. Luckily by then we weren’t on the phone. oh well, it’s a bit upsetting, but I’ll get over it.

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

Yeah I actually kept a very cool head during the conversation because I was just glad to be getting an explanation. By that point I had thought she was going to ignore me.

Then later I realized the full implications of what we discussed, haha. Luckily by then we weren’t on the phone. oh well, it’s a bit upsetting, but I’ll get over it.

Good for you! Best of luck, bro!

 

[redtech]

So I have an unfortunate update for everyone.

She and I went out twice and the second date was even better than the first! I was really excited cause I was starting to like her a lot and she seemed to be diggin me, so things were going really well.

Anyway, shortly after this second date she started becoming distant and avoided me (we were both at several events at our church). After a few days of wondering what was going on and trying to schedule a third date, I called and left a voicemail saying that if she wanted to go out again to call me, otherwise we could hopefully stay friends.

A day later I finally talked to her on the phone and here is the deal: she said that I am the first person she dated after a very “emotionally crippling” break-up from a several year long relationship (I dunno when they actually broke up) and after going out with me discovered she really wasn’t ready to be dating and it wasn’t fair for me, etc.

So that wraps that up. I really like her and told her that if at some point she wants to go out again to feel free to call and maybe we could try again. I am new to the dating thing, but I’m guessing that it’s pretty much done and I shouldn’t expect her to be calling me at any point. We will still be seeing each other at our parish events, so we won’t lose touch completely.

Eh, such is life. It’s disappointing, but what can I do?

Why dont’ you see if you guys can all get together with a group of friends. Maybe if she comes to like you as a friend first then her feelings will change.

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

Why dont’ you see if you guys can all get together with a group of friends. Maybe if she comes to like you as a friend first then her feelings will change.

No, that wouldn’t be fair to the OP. It’s something the girl needs to deal with on her own. When she’s ready and if she’s still interested by then, she can always contact the OP. Right now, I say move on.

 

[buckr02]

No, that wouldn’t be fair to the OP. It’s something the girl needs to deal with on her own. When she’s ready and if she’s still interested by then, she can always contact the OP. Right now, I say move on.

I agree. We’ll be seeing each other at our Church events with the young adult group, like I said earlier, but I’ll just let her do what she needs to do.

 

[Felicity_in_TX]

So, I read this thread from beginning to end, and the whole time I was thinking, “he seems like such a nice guy! I hope he gets the girl!” I’m disappointed to see that it didn’t work out the way you hoped. It seems that you’re handling exactly the right way though.

I know it might not make much sense to some people, but I can totally understand where the girl is coming from. I dated and then was engaged to a guy all through college and then for about two years after. He never treated me very well, and it culminated in a horrible breakup shortly before the wedding date that we had set. After about 6 months, everyone was encouraging me to start dating again, and reluctantly I agreed. There was one instance that I went out with a guy a couple of times and genuinely liked him and wanted to get to know him more, but when I was alone with my internal dialogue I literally broke down at the prospect of even beginning to allow some one to get close to me again. To this day, I feel bad because I know that I seriously hurt that guy’s feelings with my “lame” explanation that I just wasn’t ready to be dating. After that, I didn’t accept any date requests from anyone for a year and a half because I was certain it would turn out the same way. As it turned out, the time I spent “alone” not dating anyone at all turned out to be major time of personal/spiritual growth. During that time, I went through RCIA and became very involved in my parish. Shortly thereafter, I was introduced to a guy by a mutual friend and without even realizing what was happening, I was suddenly “ready” to let some one in again. We’ve been dating for a year now, and are incredibly happy - he really has become my best friend. Also, I was happy when I recently heard that the guy who’s feelings I hurt so badly two years ago is getting married in July.

Anyway, I just thought I’d share that to encourage you that even though it’s a disappointment, you never know what God has in store for you (or for the girl you were interested in) down the road. I’m sure whatever it is, it will be wonderful. God bless you!