Dating

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Cataline

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Hi Everyone,

I am 28 and have been dating my boyfriend who is also 28 for 6 months. We have discussed that we are both interested in marrying one another, but an engagement is at least another 6 months out, as we both agreed that about a year of dating is what we are most comfortable with before an engagement.

Now, as far as I know my boyfriend, I feel like he has very good potential to be the one. However, I really wish there were some type of resource – a retreat, a book, a worksheet packet, a class, etc. that could help us discern this BEFORE getting engaged. I am familiar with Engaged Encounter and Pre-Cana classes, but not anything aimed at singles who would like to further discern their dating relationship before taking the leap and getting engaged.

Does anyone know of a resource for non-engaged couples? I am not the best Catholic on earth by any means, but my faith is important to me. I was raised in a fairly religious home and attend 13 years of Catholic school. My boyfriend is also Catholic but his family never placed much emphasis on religion, other than attending mass every week – which he does. He is open to attending events at our parish and we do attend mass together. I have a few doubts about our potential to get married and I think it’s because I have no rubric/direction to make sure we are on the right track. I would love for us to have something that would open up dialog more – we have excellent communication and I am comfortable discussing anything with him; however, I am lost as to what exactly we should discuss. If there were some type of structured program or series for us, I think it would help us out.

Also, we have only prayed together a handful of times. Anyways to incorporate this into our lives more? He was raised in a home that only prayed on holidays. My family did pray every night before we went to bed as a family, but I have never prayed with just one other non-family member before and it’s a tad awkward. Any ideas or resources for this to make it easier?

Finally, although I love my boyfriend a lot, something in the back of my head worries he might not be the one. He treats me great and my family and friends all approve of him. Is it normal to have these doubts? Is there a way to help see if he’s the one?

Thanks all!

Note: Also posted this in vocations… new to the site and didn’t know where I would get more help. Thank you!
 
If there is something bringing up red flags, I’d be careful. Before I married my ex, I had doubts. I thought that it was normal and that as our marriage went along, we could work out any differences we had. Well, needless to say, he’s now my ex. I once say a reference to “engaged encounter.” You might want to see if that’s available. Also, there’s a book that might be interesting for you. I’m not sure if you can still find it, but it’s called, “After every wedding comes a marriage.”

It’s good that you have decided to wait 6 months before becoming engaged. That gives you time to look into things a bit better. Like, what are your expectations? Are they realistic? Do you hope to change him in any way? Work on this relationship before preceeding onto the next step. As far as prayer goes, see if you can get him to pray with you whenever you two are together. If he balks at that, that would be, at least IMHO, a warning sign.

Good luck and God bless.
 
Meet with a priest and for “pre-engagement” counseling. You can take the foccus test. You can both get spiritual direction.

Also, consider reading books together, especially ones on Theo of the Body by Christopher West. There is a marriage prep supplement that he has by Ascension Press that would be good to watch and do together.

Pray together…a lot. Fast. Go to mass a lot. Volunteer together.
 
Thanks for the book recommendations. 🙂 I also don’t know that I want to go through engaged encounter with a priets before getting engaged. I have little dating experience and that is why I am worried. I don’t want to be missing some red flag – haven’t seen it.

Also, I can’t tell the sincerity of prayers. I am not comfortable praying with people who aren’t my parents or siblings, but I see the importance of why I would need to pray with my future husband. However, I am not sure how to incorporate prayer because I would need to initiate it and I am not the best at it to begin with. I wish we could attend a retreat together! My diocese has none that I can find.

Any other thoughts for me? I appreciate all who have contributed thus far.
 
Cataline said:
Thanks for the book recommendations. 🙂 I also don’t know that I want to go through engaged encounter with a priets before getting engaged. I have little dating experience and that is why I am worried. I don’t want to be missing some red flag – haven’t seen it.

Also, I can’t tell the sincerity of prayers. I am not comfortable praying with people who aren’t my parents or siblings, but I see the importance of why I would need to pray with my future husband. However, I am not sure how to incorporate prayer because I would need to initiate it and I am not the best at it to begin with. I wish we could attend a retreat together! My diocese has none that I can find.

Any other thoughts for me? I appreciate all who have contributed thus far.
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Why wouldn’t you be comfortable going on engaged encounter?

Also, remember, that the children get their faith from fathers. The Husband is the spiritual head of the household. If you have to initiate prayer with the 2 of you all the time, that is something to consider.
 
agapewolf said:
Why wouldn’t you be comfortable going on engaged encounter?

Also, remember, that the children get their faith from fathers. The Husband is the spiritual head of the household. If you have to initiate prayer with the 2 of you all the time, that is something to consider.
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Children get faith from their fathers? St.Augustine never did…🙂

I don’t know about that one. The overwhelming majority of people I know who are deep in faith usually got it from both.

My mom was, without a doubt, the religious head of household in my family…(and HOH in other things as well)

Cataline-We’re praying for you. Before you get married make sure, without a doubt, you know he is the one. It’s an a priori feeling. One or two red flags might be ok, but several may not be.
 
You can take the FOCUS test. That is a good idea for someone before they become engaged!
 
Rascalking said:
Children get faith from their fathers? St.Augustine never did…🙂

I don’t know about that one. The overwhelming majority of people I know who are deep in faith usually got it from both.

My mom was, without a doubt, the religious head of household in my family…(and HOH in other things as well)

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There is overwhelming amount of studies, experience proving that the Fathers are the one that instill the faith. This doesn’t mean its impossible otherwise, but its definiitely not an easy road. This could also mean that there were father “Figures” that just as well can fill the same role.
 
Cataline,

I was in your shoes a little over a year ago. I was wondering what’s out there to help me confirm that this woman I was dating was the one who I should marry. I came here for help, and I was really expecting people to say date for a really long time, so you’re certain, which some did, but more or less, people spoke from their own experiences. Many of them said, “we just knew” or something to that effect. Well that’s how I was feeling. I just knew, but it’s a big step that you wouldn’t dare take without scrutinizing, right? It seemed like such a big decision, yet it seemed so simple because even after dating 6 months, I knew my wife’s heart.

One thing that kept reaffirming my thoughts that she was the one was something my mother said. I remember being young, and my mom saying that there are two types of women you can date: those that bring you closer to God and those that don’t. She was the first girl I ever dated who led me to be more prayerful, thoughtful, charitable, and open hearted. My wife has brought me so much closer to God! Wanting to do that for another person is central to a good relationship and demonstrates a genuine love for not just the other person, but for their soul.

My recommendation would be to pray and receive the sacraments more frequently, especially by going to confession. Talk to the priest about your relationship while you’re in the confessional. Ask him questions and what his recommendations are for you. Confession is about humility, and if you have a good confessor, you will get some great guidance. If you keep in mind that the priest is just Christ’s representative, then Christ will guide you. A good friend of mine just went to confession and was talking to the priest about becoming a nun, and he said, you need a boyfriend! Also, try to keep Christ in the center of your relationship because that’s a must. Christ died for us, and we’re supposed to exemplify that same love to our spouses. By remembering all Christ did for His Church, it’s easier to focus on how your spouse needs to be loved. I say spouse, but it applies in your case as well, since you’re discerning.

You are so right in that there are limited resources available to people who are not yet engaged, but that’s not to say you can’t utilize the resources for those who are engaged. Really, they’re just tools designed to guide people who think they’re ready for marriage. Truthfully, I think you’re better off going on the retreat before you get engaged. By the time you’re engaged, the ball is rolling, and it’s hard to stop. Say you get engaged, go on your retreat, and find out that you have completely different views on something key to a good relationship. Not many people would have the strength to say, we should think about this before we get married. The church does a good job of helping you identify points of conflict through engaged encounters and the FOCUS test, but for so many people, they’ll get married no matter what they find out. It’s hard to slow down the momentum of an engagement, so I really do applaud you for looking for answers prior to getting engaged.

Also keep in mind that if it’s the Lord’s will, and you’re both open to it, things will happen as they should. Trust in Jesus!
 
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