Dating

[Aperson2013]

Hi,

I am a regular poster, but created an added an extra account to ask slightly more sensitive questions.

In particular, I am looking for advice and encouragement about dating. I am 25, and by both choice and happenstance, have remained a faithful Catholic in the most important ways. As I approach 26, it nags me that I starting to become a statistical anomaly; up to 25% of unmarried 25 year olds have not yet had sex; this percentage steadily decreases for subsequent years…

When I was younger chastity was important to me, but I didn’t fully understand it. I now see that screwing up even once, especially if (we) use birth control, destroys my credibility in opposing policies such as mandatory contraceptive coverage, or abstinence- only sexual education. If I had replied on such measure to soften my fall into sin, how could I deny someone else such resources?!? How could I credibly ask my children to go against all the pressures that they will face as teenagers? That “youthful indiscretions” are not something to be trifled with…

In my undergraduate years, I had a long series of doubts. I explored Catholicism to its very logical foundations, and realized it came down to faith. Living the Catholic lifestyle did not make sense without faith! My faith had been waning. I studied all the ins and outs; discovered that it was impeccably consistent. All teachings, including sexuality, made thorough logical sense, deriving from our innate human dignity…

Its just that, without God, nothing matters! By my logic, God simply must exist, but my faith had dried up. I tried to live one foot in, one foot out; I had to go full throttle trusting that I was not wasting my life believing what may have been a mythological being!

It was also around this time that I started dating a protestant girl. Girl came, girl went. Heart broken; in compatible religious beliefs the ultimate cause; poor communication regarding intentions the proximate cause of the pain. For the next few years, I build a social life away from dating, and have been the happiest and most fulfilled ever.

Now, I have restarted dating, seeing a few women here and there. What I ask is advice and encouragement. How do I discuss my values? How do I stay true to them? How do I ward of the nagging feeling of being “weird”? What are your experiences? Your feedback? I thank you for your time

 

[ClearWater]

Hi,

I am a regular poster, but created an added an extra account to ask slightly more sensitive questions.

In particular, I am looking for advice and encouragement about dating. I am 25, and by both choice and happenstance, have remained a faithful Catholic in the most important ways. As I approach 26, it nags me that I starting to become a statistical anomaly; up to 25% of unmarried 25 year olds have not yet had sex; this percentage steadily decreases for subsequent years…

When I was younger chastity was important to me, but I didn’t fully understand it. I now see that screwing up even once, especially if (we) use birth control, destroys my credibility in opposing policies such as mandatory contraceptive coverage, or abstinence- only sexual education. If I had replied on such measure to soften my fall into sin, how could I deny someone else such resources?!? How could I credibly ask my children to go against all the pressures that they will face as teenagers? That “youthful indiscretions” are not something to be trifled with…

In my undergraduate years, I had a long series of doubts. I explored Catholicism to its very logical foundations, and realized it came down to faith. Living the Catholic lifestyle did not make sense without faith! My faith had been waning. I studied all the ins and outs; discovered that it was impeccably consistent. All teachings, including sexuality, made thorough logical sense, deriving from our innate human dignity…

Its just that, without God, nothing matters! By my logic, God simply must exist, but my faith had dried up. I tried to live one foot in, one foot out; I had to go full throttle trusting that I was not wasting my life believing what may have been a mythological being!

It was also around this time that I started dating a protestant girl. Girl came, girl went. Heart broken; in compatible religious beliefs the ultimate cause; poor communication regarding intentions the proximate cause of the pain. For the next few years, I build a social life away from dating, and have been the happiest and most fulfilled ever.

Now, I have restarted dating, seeing a few women here and there. What I ask is advice and encouragement. How do I discuss my values? How do I stay true to them? How do I ward of the nagging feeling of being “weird”? What are your experiences? Your feedback? I thank you for your time

First of all, I would encourage you to find a fellow Catholic. Why? Well, in the ideal world, a Catholic would hopefully be more open to your views, not think they were “weird”. Secondly, if you ever became serious about marriage, it would be so much easier to marry a Catholic.

When there are marriages between agnostics/atheists, or Protestants…and Catholics, there are often problems due to the differences in their faiths.

So, if you one day married, the Protestant girl that broke your heart, what would have happened had that relationship worked out? What would have happened had you married? Would you now be going to her church and her, to hers on weekends? If you had had children, what would have, likewise, happened to them? Would they have been raised in her faith or yours?

Even if they had been raised in yours, it’s still be you, going with the children to church without your wife. She would go, to a separate church, without you all. Or, she would go with the children to hers, in which case, you would go, alone, to yours.

In neither scenario is it the ideal. Plus, what if you had wanted to ask her to use Natural Family Planning at some future point? Would she have been amenable or insisted on contraception?

We Catholics are not to even attend other churches, except for funerals, or weddings, say. There could have been many arguments there, so although you may have felt hurt, you may have actually “dodged a bullet”.

Yes, I realize that here and there, a case with different faiths can, and do, work out. However, ideally, it’s just generally easier to start off “on the same page” on matters which matter most, which is those of faith.

Secondly, I’d encourage you to look for someone who isn’t a CINO (Catholic in name only), that is practicing the faith. I’ve been told it’s very hard to find women, or men, who are good, practicing Catholics in these times. Even so, I’d encourage you NOT to compromise.

A good practicing Catholic woman would know that we are to abstain before marriage, listen to the Church’s teachings, and not think you were some kind of anomaly for living out your faith! However, I wish you luck in finding one. They do exist but can take some searching to find!

 

[ClearWater]

Oh, one more thing, a woman who is a good, practicing Catholic, should you marry, should help you in times of doubt, help encourage you to strengthen your faith, reassure you.

Well, it’s actually a mutual situation. She would encourage you in the faith. You would encourage her in hers.

 

[jmr_1985]

Hang in there man. I’m a guy and just turned 28. I’m coming into the Church at Easter. I lived a life of sexual sin for years and regret it all now. Consider yourself fortunate. That lifestyle is not fulfilling, I promise. I’ve been celibate for a year now with my fiancée. Our relationship is doing so much better because of it.

I know a guy who’s 30+ and still a virgin. He has a strong faith. When he dates, he’s not shy about his virginity and he’s not embarrassed. I promise, women respect it and he has dated several women who were not virgins. It’s all about confidence in what he believes.

JMR

 

[ClearWater]

We are, indeed, in some strange times where it can seem like everything normal has become abnormal, and what is abnormal has become normal. Virginity used to be the norm!

Some saints have told us that those who have made it all the way to heaven with their virginity intact receive a crown for that? Yes, they receive a crown for that! It’s like the martyrs receive a crown for their martyrdom.

So, the most important thing here isn’t what others think. It’s what God thinks.

A lot of people lose their virginity, and for what? I think most regret it when they give up their virginity to someone other than their spouse. People who have waited have a really special gift for their spouses.

Also, many people think “this is the one”! Well, did you realize women, especially, get into sexual relationships, and due to all the resulting hormones, sometimes get attached to men who are not their spouses, often, will never be.

Women, when in a physical relationship, will typically produce oxytocin, helps with bonding. So, they often lose their judgement in these cases.

At least you know you have never caused an unwanted pregnancy, have no sexually-transmitted disease, have never been involved in a woman’s wanting to pursue an abortion. You also don’t have the degree of emotional scarring caused by being in a sexual relationship and it falling apart, or the other emotional, or other, baggage.

I realize some people today might not understand, but I hope you will be able to resist the current, maintain abstinence till marriage, whether it’s presently it’s the norm, politically correct, or not.

I hope you’ll also one day find a spouse who can appreciate that!

 

[paseo]

I know a guy who’s 30+ and still a virgin. He has a strong faith. When he dates, he’s not shy about his virginity and he’s not embarrassed. I promise, women respect it and he has dated several women who were not virgins. It’s all about confidence in what he believes.
JMR

I second this - have confidence and don’t be embarrassed.
Have confidence in what you believe in and that nagging feeling inside that says you’re weird will eventually go away, because truth be told, you’re not the weird one - you’re actually the sane one! The rest of the world is weird/crazy/fallen, you name it.
Now, if you meet a girl who thinks your values are “weird”, she’s probably not worth your time to begin with

I know it’s difficult to stay true to what we believe in, living in the world we do today. But don’t compromise them for anyone; live your faith and do what you always do. You’re looking for someone to build a family with, to live the rest of your life with - so that person needs to respect and more so, share your beliefs and values.

I fell away from the church after college and have just been working my way back these past few years. I regret, so much, the way I lived my life before. I keep wishing I could turn back time and undo all those bad decisions but I can’t, so I just have to live with them and learn from them.
As JMR said, that lifestyle is not fulfilling - and trust me, people who live it and think it’s great is really just kidding themselves.

Have you read B. Fulton Sheen’s Three to Get Married? If you haven’t, I highly recommend it. I just started reading it, and after the first few pages I thought to myself, if only someone told me about this book when I was younger … oh well

Anyways, sorry if I was rambling a bit hope this helps, somewhat.

Theresia

 

[Aperson2013]

Hang in there man. I’m a guy and just turned 28. I’m coming into the Church at Easter. I lived a life of sexual sin for years and regret it all now. Consider yourself fortunate. That lifestyle is not fulfilling, I promise. I’ve been celibate for a year now with my fiancée. Our relationship is doing so much better because of it.

Good work on your part

I know a guy who’s 30+ and still a virgin. He has a strong faith. When he dates, he’s not shy about his virginity and he’s not embarrassed. I promise, women respect it and he has dated several women who were not virgins. It’s all about confidence in what he believes.

JMR

This is the tough part, but I’m getting there. I always thought I lived my faith on my sleeve, but some of my friends were shocked to learn I was a practicing Christian… some just thought I was just awkward with women.

I have a close female friend that I recently reconnected with. She is an ex-Catholic, so I have no romantic expectations, but she had similar struggle with the faith in high school/college, and she reacted very positively when we happened to discuss our values on a night out. She respected the confidence I still had in my beliefs, and my honesty in expressing them.

 

[Aperson2013]

I second this - have confidence and don’t be embarrassed.
Have confidence in what you believe in and that nagging feeling inside that says you’re weird will eventually go away, because truth be told, you’re not the weird one - you’re actually the sane one! The rest of the world is weird/crazy/fallen, you name it.
Now, if you meet a girl who thinks your values are “weird”, she’s probably not worth your time to begin with

Haha, yes!

…
Have you read B. Fulton Sheen’s Three to Get Married? If you haven’t, I highly recommend it. I just started reading it, and after the first few pages I thought to myself, if only someone told me about this book when I was younger … oh well

Anyways, sorry if I was rambling a bit hope this helps, somewhat.

Theresia

I’ve heard good things about Fulton Sheen. I will look into that book.

 

[Viki63]

A man is, ideally, the leader in a relationship. The woman will often go where he leads. Many young women in their twenties are impressionable, but open to reason. If you have a strong faith and morals, and date women while treating them with respect, they will really appreciate you. Those who don’t are to be pitied, but don’t spend time on them.
I would encourage you to stick to your guns, and try to date only women who are Catholic or at least faithful Protestants.

 

[paseo]

I’ve heard good things about Fulton Sheen. I will look into that book.

Oh, here’s a link to the book:
ewtn.com/library/MARRIAGE/3GETMARR.TXT

Someone here on the forum pointed me out to it, as they mentioned also that the book seems to no longer be in production.

 

[Jay82]

Hi,

In particular, I am looking for advice and encouragement about dating. I am 25, and by both choice and happenstance, have remained a faithful Catholic in the most important ways. As I approach 26, it nags me that I starting to become a statistical anomaly; up to 25% of unmarried 25 year olds have not yet had sex; this percentage steadily decreases for subsequent years…

When I was younger chastity was important to me, but I didn’t fully understand it. I now see that screwing up even once, especially if (we) use birth control, destroys my credibility in opposing policies such as mandatory contraceptive coverage, or abstinence- only sexual education. If I had replied on such measure to soften my fall into sin, how could I deny someone else such resources?!? How could I credibly ask my children to go against all the pressures that they will face as teenagers? That “youthful indiscretions” are not something to be trifled with…

Now, I have restarted dating, seeing a few women here and there. What I ask is advice and encouragement. How do I discuss my values? How do I stay true to them? How do I ward of the nagging feeling of being “weird”? What are your experiences? Your feedback? I thank you for your time

You are not alone. I’m in my early 30s, single, and have also remained a virgin and will continue to do so until marriage. I do not make this public knowledge, but I share it with those I trust. I suggest being open and honest with those you date and try to find girls that have the same/similar values. If you have waited this long, there are surely others who have too. However, be realistic, don’t exclude girls who may have already had sex and are now also wanting to wait until marriage.

 

[on_the_hill]

Now, I have restarted dating, seeing a few women here and there. What I ask is advice and encouragement. How do I discuss my values? How do I stay true to them? How do I ward of the nagging feeling of being “weird”? What are your experiences? Your feedback? I thank you for your time

I’m a bad Catholic when it comes to evangelizing people I don’t know very very well. However, let me say this: If a woman is worth dating then she will be someone who respects your values.

That’s not to say you have to rehearse a 30-second elevator speech to deliver when you meet for the first time. And I don’t see anything wrong with waiting for an appropriate time to express your values. First date, second date, third date…it kind of depends on the overall relationship and where the conversations go.

And if you find yourself in a tight situation, and she won’t respect your decisions, you wouldn’t want to be with someone who can’t make room in her life for your values.