Dating

[KendraDZ1902]

OK, I’m a planner. Like, I make a menu for the whole week and base my grocery list off of it. I PLAN, ok?

Now, I have no idea when or if I will ever date again. I was told by one of my besties that once the divorce is final to go ahead with the annulment process. She said that I don’t want to “open old wounds.” She’s right, I guess. BUT if I don’t do it her way, should I date post divorce/pre annulment?

What are the rules on all of this. I need to know now (planner, remember?) before I come to this crossroad.

Thanks a bunch!

 

[Tantum_ergo]

OK, I’m a planner. Like, I make a menu for the whole week and base my grocery list off of it. I PLAN, ok?

Now, I have no idea when or if I will ever date again. I was told by one of my besties that once the divorce is final to go ahead with the annulment process. She said that I don’t want to “open old wounds.” She’s right, I guess. BUT if I don’t do it her way, should I date post divorce/pre annulment?

What are the rules on all of this. I need to know now (planner, remember?) before I come to this crossroad.

Thanks a bunch!

My opinion: Do not think about dating just yet. You’re just going through a divorce and I know (I went through a 6 year separation before my husband pushed for a divorce so he could marry again) that as tempting as it is to look for love now that you’ve ‘lost’ and are ‘alone’, it’s probably one of the worst things you can do. You need time to heal and as corny as it sounds, find who YOU are, before you look into dating again. Thing is, once you start dating, you’re NOT just considering yourself alone, you’re considering another person and how you ‘match’ him, and you start focusing on things that HE likes and neglecting yourself.

The best thing is to talk to a priest NOW as you’re heading into the divorce, not, "get me started now’ but more, “this is happening and I have doubts about whether my marriage was truly valid. When the divorce is final, I’d like to start proceedings for a decree of nullity.”

When the divorce is final, start the paperwork. Now here’s the thing, you’re going to need witnesses. You want people who know you (and who ideally knew your husband too, and preferably both before the wedding and after, during the marriage) who will be able to testify as to their observation and understanding and knowledge of you (hopefully both of you) whether you were able to give consent at the time of the vows, as to whether you properly understood marriage, as to whether there were ‘flags’ like maybe right from the start your ex was telling your friends that he never intended to have kids, or that he wasn’t really ready to settle down but figured you guys could get married and if he wanted out, you could always divorce, and he’d just ‘mentally reserve’ this when he said the vows. . .or that they knew him before your marriage and observed signs that he might have some mental issues, anger issues, immaturity issues, etc that he was hiding from you. . . and these witnesses will need to fill out some paperwork, so they need to be RELIABLE in judgment and also need to be DEPENDABLE. . .they won’t say they’ll do the job and then forget and never do it.
You’ll have paperwork too and you’ll have to do a lot of thinking and soul searching. It takes time and it’s hard, but it’s worth it, because you get to know yourself and to recognize things about yourself, whether they’re good or bad. . .if good, that you can bolster, if bad, that you can change.

When you send that in, you’ll probably have a 12-18 month wait for the Tribunal to make its decision. Took mine about 13 months which was pretty average (and I was married 20 years at the time of divorce and had three children).

Even though by the time you’ve sent in the paperwork you’ve probably been divorced several months, WAIT. Keep working on yourself. Do things to enrich yourself spiritually, physically, and emotionally. You’ll have time to concentrate on yourself. WAIT until the judgment. If you get the decree, THEN is the time to start dating. You’ll have had anywhere from probably 1-1/2 to 2-1/2 years to truly know yourself and to enrich yourself, and you’ll be in much better shape all around then to start dating.

My sister was a widow for 10 years before she started dating, and she used that time to get all her children grown, to work on her career, and to work on her music, gardens, and writing. . .and then when she was at her creative and contented peak --and at the age of 53–she started dating, met several men in the first 3 months; the last one she met she really liked, they dated a year and have been married now nearly 11 years.

Let yourself heal and wait for dating until after you receive your decree of nullity. That’s my advice.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

My opinion: Do not think about dating just yet. You’re just going through a divorce and I know (I went through a 6 year separation before my husband pushed for a divorce so he could marry again) that as tempting as it is to look for love now that you’ve ‘lost’ and are ‘alone’, it’s probably one of the worst things you can do. You need time to heal and as corny as it sounds, find who YOU are, before you look into dating again. Thing is, once you start dating, you’re NOT just considering yourself alone, you’re considering another person and how you ‘match’ him, and you start focusing on things that HE likes and neglecting yourself.

The best thing is to talk to a priest NOW as you’re heading into the divorce, not, "get me started now’ but more, “this is happening and I have doubts about whether my marriage was truly valid. When the divorce is final, I’d like to start proceedings for a decree of nullity.”

When the divorce is final, start the paperwork. Now here’s the thing, you’re going to need witnesses. You want people who know you (and who ideally knew your husband too, and preferably both before the wedding and after, during the marriage) who will be able to testify as to their observation and understanding and knowledge of you (hopefully both of you) whether you were able to give consent at the time of the vows, as to whether you properly understood marriage, as to whether there were ‘flags’ like maybe right from the start your ex was telling your friends that he never intended to have kids, or that he wasn’t really ready to settle down but figured you guys could get married and if he wanted out, you could always divorce, and he’d just ‘mentally reserve’ this when he said the vows. . .or that they knew him before your marriage and observed signs that he might have some mental issues, anger issues, immaturity issues, etc that he was hiding from you. . . and these witnesses will need to fill out some paperwork, so they need to be RELIABLE in judgment and also need to be DEPENDABLE. . .they won’t say they’ll do the job and then forget and never do it.
You’ll have paperwork too and you’ll have to do a lot of thinking and soul searching. It takes time and it’s hard, but it’s worth it, because you get to know yourself and to recognize things about yourself, whether they’re good or bad. . .if good, that you can bolster, if bad, that you can change.

When you send that in, you’ll probably have a 12-18 month wait for the Tribunal to make its decision. Took mine about 13 months which was pretty average (and I was married 20 years at the time of divorce and had three children).

Even though by the time you’ve sent in the paperwork you’ve probably been divorced several months, WAIT. Keep working on yourself. Do things to enrich yourself spiritually, physically, and emotionally. You’ll have time to concentrate on yourself. WAIT until the judgment. If you get the decree, THEN is the time to start dating. You’ll have had anywhere from probably 1-1/2 to 2-1/2 years to truly know yourself and to enrich yourself, and you’ll be in much better shape all around then to start dating.

My sister was a widow for 10 years before she started dating, and she used that time to get all her children grown, to work on her career, and to work on her music, gardens, and writing. . .and then when she was at her creative and contented peak --and at the age of 53–she started dating, met several men in the first 3 months; the last one she met she really liked, they dated a year and have been married now nearly 11 years.

Let yourself heal and wait for dating until after you receive your decree of nullity. That’s my advice.

Wow. This is so detailed! You are awesome!! At this point in life I don’t think I’ll EVER date again. Having your heart ripped out once is more than enough for this girl. I have things that I HAVE to accomplish before I ever take a leap into a relationship. I put these things on the back burner for this relationship and I am going to be a little bit selfish for a little while. But I didn’t know what to do if I did end up stumbling upon a guy later on. I didn’t know if waiting to start the annulment process was ideal or if I should rip if off like a bandaid.
I have already called the church tribunal and asked the cost. I guess in a few months we will start this, just in case it was invalid and just in case Mr. Right is actually out there for me.
Thank you!

 

[Gertabelle]

Don’t even think about dating until you have a decree of nullity (annulment) in hand.

As for whether you should start the process right away… Well, that’s up to you of course. Talk with your pastor, perhaps, about what’s going on and get some advice in this area.

I’ve had the decree of nullity for eight years now, and still haven’t dated. A friend of mine has had hers for three or four years now and she also hasn’t dated. Having the decree means you are free to date and marry in the Church, should God call you to sacramental marriage. But it doesn’t mean you HAVE to date or marry.

God bless you and comfort you in this difficult time!

Gertie

 

[mariemargaret]

Kendra, I haven’t posted but have watched your saga unfold. I am truly sorry for what you are going through! I also really appreciate your humor and attitude on things you post; you sound like a wonderful person in ‘real life’.

I have been where you are, and am just now, 9 month after he filed for divorce, starting to think that I might be able to see through the fog that has been my life for the past several years. Here’s what I want to tell you; when I was where you are, I missed my husband physically. Not so much sexually (lots of complicated feelings there), and for sure I was spitting-fire pissed off, but I did feel the loss of feeling like I was desired and wanted as a human being, and I physically ached to be touched. Rejection is super painful on many levels. That caused me to think of other men and dating and when and what I needed to do to have that feeling again. Which is the last thing I needed to think about! You are also probably going to go through the grieving steps for your marriage, like you would go throughout with the death of a loved one. Maybe it’s different for you, but that was my experience.

I am right there with you, still, about having your heart ripped out. If I am involved with someone in the future, he’s going to have to seriously be some sort of saint.

Tantum ergo is very wise! Wait, wait, and wait some more. Now, 12 months later, I am beginning to steer my own ship. I am learning who I am, what I like and don’t like, and how to navigate on my own. It is a very important step! When and if I am called to date again, I will be able to discern whether the man is a match for me with greater clarity than I could have 9 months ago, and I am still no where near ready for that now.

I’ll tell you another thing; kinda by chance I reconnected with a friend who knew me back when I was getting married, and she very clearly remembered some details that I had forgotten that will be instrumental in the annulment process. I know that God put her back into my life to put my mind at ease about this. Other things have fallen into place for me as well. Other things are still flying around my head, but I trust that God will set those things to right was well. I agree that you should ask questions and be on the look out for people that could be good witnesses at the time of your marriage; things will fall into place!

One other thing; lean on your support system. I sure hope that you have one, and that you have women of faith to help you through this time. I can’t tell you how much that support system has come into play for me, and helped me to keep my focus on God through all of this.

About when to file… I’d say wait until your divorce is final, and see how you feel then. I don’t know what I will do either. Frankly, I’m leaning towards filing when I can and getting it done. I don’t want to lose any good witnesses, and I think I will have a sense of peace about it after I’ve filed and gotten a ruling. I’d rather know one way or the other, than letting it hang there unknown.

Oh, and I’m a planner too; I also seriously plan my menu for the week and shop for it and feel good about it!

Peace to you!

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Kendra, I haven’t posted but have watched your saga unfold. I am truly sorry for what you are going through! I also really appreciate your humor and attitude on things you post; you sound like a wonderful person in ‘real life’.

I have been where you are, and am just now, 9 month after he filed for divorce, starting to think that I might be able to see through the fog that has been my life for the past several years. Here’s what I want to tell you; when I was where you are, I missed my husband physically. Not so much sexually (lots of complicated feelings there), and for sure I was spitting-fire pissed off, but I did feel the loss of feeling like I was desired and wanted as a human being, and I physically ached to be touched. Rejection is super painful on many levels. That caused me to think of other men and dating and when and what I needed to do to have that feeling again. Which is the last thing I needed to think about! You are also probably going to go through the grieving steps for your marriage, like you would go throughout with the death of a loved one. Maybe it’s different for you, but that was my experience.

I am right there with you, still, about having your heart ripped out. If I am involved with someone in the future, he’s going to have to seriously be some sort of saint.

Tantum ergo is very wise! Wait, wait, and wait some more. Now, 12 months later, I am beginning to steer my own ship. I am learning who I am, what I like and don’t like, and how to navigate on my own. It is a very important step! When and if I am called to date again, I will be able to discern whether the man is a match for me with greater clarity than I could have 9 months ago, and I am still no where near ready for that now.

I’ll tell you another thing; kinda by chance I reconnected with a friend who knew me back when I was getting married, and she very clearly remembered some details that I had forgotten that will be instrumental in the annulment process. I know that God put her back into my life to put my mind at ease about this. Other things have fallen into place for me as well. Other things are still flying around my head, but I trust that God will set those things to right was well. I agree that you should ask questions and be on the look out for people that could be good witnesses at the time of your marriage; things will fall into place!

One other thing; lean on your support system. I sure hope that you have one, and that you have women of faith to help you through this time. I can’t tell you how much that support system has come into play for me, and helped me to keep my focus on God through all of this.

About when to file… I’d say wait until your divorce is final, and see how you feel then. I don’t know what I will do either. Frankly, I’m leaning towards filing when I can and getting it done. I don’t want to lose any good witnesses, and I think I will have a sense of peace about it after I’ve filed and gotten a ruling. I’d rather know one way or the other, than letting it hang there unknown.

Oh, and I’m a planner too; I also seriously plan my menu for the week and shop for it and feel good about it!

Peace to you!

I’m glad you like my humor! And YES to missing being physical. Like, I’m not interested in sex, but I miss snuggles and physical contact. And, totally not bragging, but this is the first time I have ever been dumped. I was always the heartbreaker and not the person heart broken. This is the first time in my life that I have felt rejection. Totally not a nice feeling, at all! I’m still in the pissed off stage and just wanting to know why. I still don’t know why.
Witnesses are going to be so hard for us. We did date 3 1/2 years before marriage, but 2 1/2 years of that he was away. So, while people knew us at the beginning of dating, there was a big gap where no one close to both of us saw him unless he was on leave. Heck, I didn’t see him unless he was on leave. Then, we were the married military couple and I was thrown into hanging out with his shipmate’s wives, so they “knew” us during the marriage, but not before. And being military, you don’t complain about anything to your newfound friends, because well, you just don’t. I was never super close to anyone down there. This is going to be HARD. Unless you can ask your mom and ex-in-laws to be witnesses.

I do think I will get it done quickly, just so I don’t have to do it later. Putting it off won’t help any.

I have a great support system. I have reconnected with a girl I grew up with and she has been major support. She KNOWS me. She probably knows me better than hubby. And she will let me call her in the middle of the night and just vent. I also have a sorority sister, who happened to be my maid of honor who is wonderful too. She recently divorced her service member and she’s been “my person” since we met, years ago. I haven’t really let the cat out of the bag. Because this is so embarrassing for me.

I’m so glad I have met someone who plans a menu! My mom makes fun of me. LOL.

 

[Bookcat]

One would not date or the like - until one knows via the degree of nullity that one is not validly married.

 

[anytimequilter]

You’re not supposed to date unless you have an annulment. You are still considered married until then. I have had my annulment for several years and I have not yet found someone that I wanted to get into a relationship with. But I am glad I got the annulment anyway… sort of like the church telling me everything’s alright

 

[mariemargaret]

I wasn’t super clear about my main points in my post yesterday; apologies!

As others have said, absolutely, you are still married spiritually to your husband until a tribunal says that it never was a valid marriage; the civil divorce doesn’t change that, only the decree of nullity. So, no dating until that nullity decree has come through, and there is no guarantee of that.

When I brought up the part about missing physical touch, I forgot the most relevant part… that I don’t miss his physical touch any more (it’s been about 12 months). I think that I’m getting my needs for touch from my friends and kids and I’ve adjusted to the frequency and kind of touching I receive now; whatever the reason, I don’t miss his touch at all now. I pray that this happens for you too, and soon!

For me, the rejection also made me want another man in my life. That’s where working on yourself and understanding your own worth as an individual is so important. I just keep reminding myself that God loves me no matter what, and He will never reject me. I don’t need a boyfriend to be worthy.

I brought these things up to help you to identify ~why~ you are thinking about dating, because you can’t think about that now at all. If you can identify why, then you can work on those areas as you are going through the divorce and annulment process. And, if you are free to date some day, you will want to be sure that you are your own whole person before you do so!

And I know how frustrating not knowing ‘why’ is. It took me months, but try to get to the place where you can be at peace with not knowing why because you will likely never know. And if you do know, it will likely not make any sense to you. Working on your own sense of your self worth will help with this. Many people assured me that his decision to divorce was not because there were issues with me, but that there were issues with him. He is breaking his promise to you and God; that’s a pretty big issue.