Daugher's Baptism and Unbudging Husband

[CJsmommy]

I don’t even really know how to start this… (and it’s a little long, forgive me).

A little less than a year ago I was blessed with a daughter. It wasn’t immediate, but a few months ago my husband and I, both Christians, began talking about having her baptized. We had both been baptized as infants. We got two willing Godparents, and a Lutheran pastor who is an old family friend to perform the ceremony. The pastor had been called to a church in Mississippi, then later retired and moved back here to Illinois, so he has no church to perform the ceremony.

We start looking around to see if there is somewhere the baptism can be performed and then I talked to my sister, who is going to be my daughter’s Godmother. She’s Catholic and she got really excited, saying it could be through her church (parish) and she’d hold a party at her house afterwards.

As any good Protestant (lapsed Pentecostal) I was wary of the Catholic Church. I did some research and realized that not only did baptizing my daughter as a Catholic seem the way to go, so did becoming Catholic myself!

Then, there’s my husband, a non-denominational Christian who doesn’t even see the need to go to church, although he’s willing to come with me to Mass. But, he is unbending on the pastor performing the baptism. Of course my sister’s priest very kindly explained that a Lutheran pastor could not baptize a baby in a Catholic church. We’ve yet to find any church to be willing to let a strange pastor use their facilities, and now my husband’s asking why even do it in a church. Well, where else are you going to get Holy water?

I know any Trinitarian baptism is recognized, but I’m getting frustrated looking for a place when we have a perfectly good option right in front of us - going with the Catholic ceremony, and having the pastor give a blessing. I don’t even know what to do anymore and it’s really stressing me out. I just want my daughter to be baptized!

 

[pianistclare]

If your husband doesn’t feel the need to raise a child in any faith, I’m not sure how having a ceremony anywhere is going to help.
Most churches expect participation, and part of the Baptism is a promise by the parents and the Godparents to raise the child in the faith.
Is anyone besides for you and the potential Godmother willing to do this?
The lack of enthusiasm is more problematic at this point, from what you’ve said here.
You and hour husband need to be on the same page.

 

[CJsmommy]

He wants her to be Christian. The problem is that he has never had a good experience in any church. I’m curious, but hopeful that he’s willing to go to Mass. He’s just really stuck on that one particular pastor performing the ceremony. We were more or less on the same Protestant page. I just moved off of it.

 

[jmcrae]

If your husband doesn’t feel the need to raise a child in any faith, I’m not sure how having a ceremony anywhere is going to help.
Most churches expect participation, and part of the Baptism is a promise by the parents and the Godparents to raise the child in the faith.
Is anyone besides for you and the potential Godmother willing to do this?
The lack of enthusiasm is more problematic at this point, from what you’ve said here.
You and hour husband need to be on the same page.

I have to agree with this. Being a Christian is about more than just being baptized. Christians (whether they’re Lutheran, Catholic, or something else) go to Church on Sundays, read the Bible, pray, and study their faith, one way or another. Baptism is the beginning of the story; not the end of the story.

Since you and your husband are going to be raising your children together, it makes sense that you work together to find a solution that makes sense to both of you. You certainly don’t want to have to be fighting him every step of the way.

 

[nodito]

He wants her to be Christian. The problem is that he has never had a good experience in any church. I’m curious, but hopeful that he’s willing to go to Mass. He’s just really stuck on that one particular pastor performing the ceremony. We were more or less on the same Protestant page. I just moved off of it.

CJ(name removed by moderator)my,

Congratulations on your little girl!

So I understand: Your husband is okay with you converting and raising your daughter Catholic, but he wants this Lutheran pastor/friend to do the baptism?

Does he worry that he might upset the Lutheran pastor since he was already “promised” a baptism? Could you talk to the Lutheran pastor and ask his advice given that the child will be Catholic?

 

[Corki]

My recommendation would be for you to go forward with your conversion first. If you come into the Church, your daughter can become Catholic at the same time.

It is not surprising that this Lutheran pastor isn’t easily finding a church to let him perform the Baptism. Baptism, in the Catholic Church as in Protestant denominations, is welcoming the child into the faith community. If there is no tie to the community, having a Baptism there is going to be a “hard sell”.

 

[CJsmommy]

CJ(name removed by moderator)my,

Congratulations on your little girl!

So I understand: Your husband is okay with you converting and raising your daughter Catholic, but he wants this Lutheran pastor/friend to do the baptism?

Does he worry that he might upset the Lutheran pastor since he was already “promised” a baptism? Could you talk to the Lutheran pastor and ask his advice given that the child will be Catholic?

My husband wants our daughter raised “Christian” rather than Catholic per se, and as for me, he doesn’t mind my conversion as I’m an adult and can make my own choices. His mindset is that he doesn’t want her forced into believing something without her choosing it for herself. I pointed out that when she’s older she can choose if she wants to stay in the Catholic Church.

As for the pastor, since we don’t exactly have a family pastor/priest, he’s the only one my husband trusts to do the ceremony. And “trust” was the exact word he used.

 

[pianistclare]

My husband wants our daughter raised “Christian” rather than Catholic per se, and as for me, he doesn’t mind my conversion as I’m an adult and can make my own choices. His mindset is that he doesn’t want her forced into believing something without her choosing it for herself. I pointed out that when she’s older she can choose if she wants to stay in the Catholic Church.

As for the pastor, since we don’t exactly have a family pastor/priest, he’s the only one my husband trusts to do the ceremony. And “trust” was the exact word he used.

“deciding for herself”, that old saw.
Is he ok with her deciding for herself about drugs? About premarital sex? About cheating on exams? About touching a hot stove?
I mean, seriously. A parent must take a stand for their children’s well-being. Ask him to tell the truth. It’s HIM that doesn’t want to be Catholic or anything else. He’s projecting his prejudices on the Baptism of his child.
The child needs to be Baptized. Period. In something, and you both need to commit to raising her in faith, as the proper child of God that she is.
Tell him to put aside his issues for the sake of his child.
Good luck.

 

[CJsmommy]

Well, that went interesting. I finally just asked point blank why the pastor was so much more trusted than any other clergy. My husband said that having that particular pastor do it was more meaningful than a stranger doing it. I explained about the community aspect, and he finally just said it was his opinion and he didn’t want me hung up on it. Go ahead and make the arrangements for the Catholic ceremony and he would just suck it up…

 

[nodito]

Well, that went interesting. I finally just asked point blank why the pastor was so much more trusted than any other clergy. My husband said that having that particular pastor do it was more meaningful than a stranger doing it. I explained about the community aspect, and he finally just said it was his opinion and he didn’t want me hung up on it. Go ahead and make the arrangements for the Catholic ceremony and he would just suck it up…

Hurray?

 

[pianistclare]

Well, that went interesting. I finally just asked point blank why the pastor was so much more trusted than any other clergy. My husband said that having that particular pastor do it was more meaningful than a stranger doing it. I explained about the community aspect, and he finally just said it was his opinion and he didn’t want me hung up on it. Go ahead and make the arrangements for the Catholic ceremony and he would just suck it up…

Well, I guess that’s good news.
But I see the issue clearly now. He believes it to be a card you get punched. A formality for church goers. He sees it as something that a friend or close acquaintance should do. Does he know that in hospitals nurses baptize babies almost daily? Children that are in great risk of death?
Baptism is a vehicle for grace. Baptism is where we are promised and dedicated to God. It’s not an empty ceremony or a “thing you have to do” socially. You obviously know this, but clearly he does not know. Which explains why faith is not that big of a deal to him. He has never been properly catechized about faith. Any faith. I think his Lutheran friend would say the same.
The really good news is, that as your daughter learns about the faith she will no doubt talk to her daddy about it. We’ve seen it so many times…children go home and teach their parents in subtle ways that even the most indifferent parent comes to belief. Children are good like that. Their pure intentions don’t get in the way of the Holy Spirit, whereas sometimes a spouse can be (wrongly) perceived as nagging.
I am happy for your daughter. God bless you family on this wonderful journey together.

 

[Irishmom2]

OP, so are you saying that YOU are going to become Catholic and then raise your daughter that way too? If so, your husband may eventually follow along. Lead by example, not by prodding or nagging.

It’s all well and good that he wants your child to be raised “Christian” but she will need to be lead there by someone. It will not happen by not attending any service or mass on your husbands part. So you take the lead.

 

[Marysann]

Please remind your husband that Catholic is Christian! It is the real “old time religion!” My prayers are with you and your family.