Daughter can't adjust to new school, new place

[pabloSD]

Dear brothers and sisters,

As some of you have read in other forums, my seven year old daughter is feeling so much guilt right now, that it is affecting her in school. I need advice on how to handle a situation where she wants to go to our neighborhood public school instead of the private school we’re sending her.

This is what happened. Her and my wife were in living in San Diego with a tourist visa. I’m a permanent resident, and their immigration petition is in process. In March, they crossed to Tijuana, and coming back into the U.S., the officer questioned my daughter. She said the truth, that she was attending school in the U.S. Their visas were cancelled. Now they’re living in Tijuana until the immigration process is complete.

Although it wasn’t my daughter’s fault (I know it was my wife’s and my fault, because we made decissions for my daughter), she feels guilty. A lot. She misses San Diego so much. She misses me, because I have to stay in SD several days a week in order to be able to become a citizen.

Her guilty feelings make her cry. She doesn’t want to go to school. She screams, crying, that it was her fault, for telling the officer that she was going to school in San Diego.

School in Tijuana began on August 20, so it’s been a month since she started second grade. For the first two weeks, she was enrolled in a private school that’s far from our TIjuana home. The second week of school she started complaining that she didn’t like that school, that the teacher was mean, and that she wanted to move a smaller private school that’s near our house.

We decided to move her, knowing that she was trying to adjust to a new life. The first week there was great. She loved the environment, made new friends quickly, and really liked her new teacher.

But last week she began the same pattern: “I don’t like that school, teacher is mean, etc.” But with an added twist: “I really miss my school in San Diego, I want to go back.” Since she can’t go back to San Diego for at least two years, she said that she wants to attend our neighborhood public school, where many of her neighborhood friends attend, and specially, where her best friend cousin, who is in sixth grade, attends.

For the past week, she wasn’t been to school, because every morning she cries a lot, and runs to lock herself up either in her own bedroom or in the bathroom. Since I have to spend nights in San Diego because of the immigration process for them, I’m not in Tijuana in the morning. My wife called me yesterday morning, crying, telling me how our daughter once again was crying, and locking herself up in the restroom.

We don’t know what to do. My daughter is going to counseling with a child psychologist. The counselor tells us that these issues my daughter is having are her way to respond to the big change in her life. She says not to change schools for the second time, that she’s manipulating us.

But right now I’m a point where I feel that it is better to switch her to the public school two blocks from our house. I feel that since it wasn’t my daughter’s fault, that it is my duty to help her adjust by letting her choose her school here in Tijuana. But I’m afraid that in two weeks she’s also not going to like the public school, and it is going to be back to square one.

I really don’t know what to do. My wife feels the same. My daughter has always been a great little girl, social, always smiling, artistic. For the past month, she lost her smile, she’s always crying, she has trouble sleeping, she just looks sad all the time.

In addition to her traditional schooling, we’re also homeschooling her part time in English. I’m a teacher in San Diego, so I bring all sorts of curriculum and material for her to work on after school to help her continue developing her English-language skills. She’s already bilingual, so I want her to continue being at her grade level in English reading so that when the immigration process concludes in two years or so, she’ll be ready to go back to school in San Diego.

Please help us with your advice.

(I know we were breaking immigration law, so please I don’t need advice or criticism on that. I have a lawyer and we’re doing everything the way it is supposed to be now.)

Thank you in advance,
En Cristo,
Pablo

 

[Kindness]

Dear Pablo, my situation is different but we are an English speaking family living in Germany. We have three children who are all in German schools, our youngest, a boy just began in the very first class in our local German elementary school. They start school at the age of 6 here so he was in an International school with an English curriculum (as well as some German tutoring) for two years before he started in the German system. He is still very much making the adjustment to his new school where everything is completely in German. In fact just today I was called in by the principal because after recess he refused to go back into class because of a squabble with a boy in his class. Although I am also wondering if I should change him back to the International school I really think it would be much better for him and the rest of the family if he’s fully immersed in the language and local community. He will need help and support through this transition but it seems the school are willing to work with us.

Your daughter has obviously experienced a very traumatic event and now has to live the consequences of her parents being separated and being parted from her old community. I have had all my three children make the transition into a new culture so I will share my very subjective experience.

A) It takes time. You have to give kids the luxury of time to transition and settle down, their schedule is not ours.
B) they are unique individuals. Each child reacts differently to this new challenge, what you expect them to have problems with turns out OK and then somethings affect them a lot more than you expect.
C) Be united as parents. Whatever you and your wife decide, stick to it. No school is perfect and unless the problems are safety issues try and pick one school, one community and build relationships there.
D) Be the security for you child. Everything is new around them, overwhelming and maybe scary. As parents be calm, confident and strong. If you and your wife are worried don’t let your child’s emotions sway you once you make a decision (after careful, thoughtful decision making) as this is very frightening for children. They need to know you are in charge. In your daughter’s case she already feels that she somehow was given the power to change her parents world - so don’t make her responsible for choosing her school too.
E) Routines=reassurance. Whatever you do be consistent and build strong routines into your day and week. You may not see her settle down for a long time - I would say give her at least a year. In fact, personally I wouldn’t overload her with English homework right now. Maybe wait at least six months, she can easily catch up. Instead do fun things like read her stories, watch American movies and play cards and boards games using English. She is still traumatized and needs lots of loving and intimate mom and dad time right now.
F) F is for fun! Try not to worry about her current personality changes but give her lots of opportunity for play (how kids process their lives) and general fun experiences with family and friends. Healing will come gradually as her security increases and friendships deepen.

God bless you and your family! We will be praying for you.

 

[TexCatholic4JMJ]

Please do follow the advice of the counselor on this and don’t switch her schools. It won’t
solve the problem. Can you get in touch with the teacher who has most of her old classmates and start a correspondence going with the kids learning about your daughter’s
new experience (going to school and being taught only in spanish, etc) and, in turn, learning about their classrooms and events in their lives?
It’s hard for a child but try to make her current situation as positive as possible.
God bless you and your family. Prayers will be going your way.

 

[TriciaF]

No suggestions, just prayer for your daughter and your family