Daughter Coming Home for Christmas-Big Problems

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Marla123

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My daughter is a 25 year old college graduate who lives about 6 hours away from us. We see her at every holiday and sometimes over long weekends. She’s been dating a man that we’ll call Josh for just over a year now, and although we’ve tried to meet him, it just hasn’t worked out. But, we’ve heard nothing but good things and from the sounds of it things are starting to get pretty serious. She’s finally bringing Josh home for Christmas, and we were all really happy to hear that we would get to meet him.

Until we found out that they would be staying in a hotel room. I don’t know if this is for more space and privacy in general, or if it’s because she knows that I would never let them share a room in our home. Either way, I’m surprised and hurt. All of our kids have always stayed with us when they visit.

And then we found out that they would not be attending midnight Mass with us. We offered to go Christmas morning instead, if they didn’t want to be up that late, but it turns out, they don’t want to go to any Mass with us, regardless of what time it’s held. I know she hasn’t been going regularly since moving out, but I didn’t think that she would have a problem with going. When I asked her about it she just said “Josh isn’t very comfortable with religion and I’m not really into that stuff anymore, so we’ll just hang out at the hotel room or exchange our gifts early and then meet up with you later”. When I asked her to go as a favor to us and a way to show Josh her family’s traditions, she just said, “No, really mom, it will be more comfortable for everyone if we don’t go”. It isn’t more comfortable for me.:mad:

I don’t want to fall into the parenting trap of blaming this on her boyfriend, because for all I know she felt this way before meeting him. But I’m still having a hard time going into this with an open mind, as I’m already angry about how this who situation is unfolding.
 
I am sorry, since she is an adult there is not much you can do about her choices now. I am assuming she has a job and living on her own and maybe even with this guy. The best you could do is still met with them for dinner as they visit in order to keep the door open for communication. At least she isn’t insisting on staying at the home and with him in the bedroom, that is probably why she opted for the hotel. Your best option now is prayer for her. St. Monica prayer for her son 30 years before he converted and he was living with someone and they had a child. Your hurt is very understandable and normal.
 
I know it’s hard to let go when your baby becomes a fully grown adult and chooses not to participate in family traditions.

But look at the bright side. She’s coming home to visit, not making excuses as to why she just can’t make it. She is in a relationship with a young man that she cares for very much and she wants him to meet her family instead of pretending she’s an orphan. She respects you enough to stay at a hotel instead of trying to share a bed with him under your roof. She respects you enough to politely decline going to Mass instead of arguing and being cruel. She’s honest about her own Mass attendance instead of lying to make you feel better.

Give the young man some credit, too. He’s coming to meet you over the holidays when he is probably very nervous about it and could be spending that time with his friends and/or family.
 
Unfortunatly, there isn’t anything you can do about this except let her know that your feelings are hurt and leave it at that. Go to Mass and enjoy yourselves. She’s probably right that it’s better that they not go if their only other option is going and acting resentful and ignorant.
 
While I imagine that this Christmas situation is very hurtful for you, I must commend you for having raised her in a very functional manner. Should she attend Mass on Christmas? Yep. Should she not be sleeping in the same hotel room as her boyfriend? Ditto. However, she is being quite respectful of you and your beliefs: she has set boundaries (she won’t go to Mass and is staying in a hotel), but she has done so kindly rather than rudely. She sounds like a lovely young woman. I hope she returns to the Church soon!

Perhaps part of this issue for you is that these decisions of hers are rather public. If they stayed (in separate rooms) at your house and attended Midnight Mass, no one would bat an eye. Their decisions could put you in what would feel like an awkward position, though, as people tend, unfortunately, to ask inappropriate questions. Example: your sister (or whomever) might very well ask you why they aren’t staying at your house and why they aren’t going to Midnight Mass, etc. If that’s the case, remember that you don’t owe anyone any explanation. Simply say “Suzie and Josh have decided that it’s best that they stay in a hotel/not attend Midnight Mass. They’re adults, and that was their decision. I suggest that if you have any other questions, you discuss them with Suzie and Josh.”
 
It sounds like she’s stonewalling you so she can avoid a potential conflict with Josh.
 
Are you and your daughter close? Have you asked why she has chosen to stay in a hotel?

There could be countless reasons why she isn’t staying with you. Sure, it could be the sharing a bed thing, or it could be that Josh is very shy and wouldn’t feel comfortable staying with strangers for a few days, or it could be that she wants to show him her home town and they’ll be coming and going at all hours, or it could be that like you said, they just want more privacy, or it could be something that you hadn’t even considered. For example, my husband and I could not stay with my mom over Christmas even if we wanted to, because she has a very, very small shower and at over 6’6, my husband can’t use it. It could be something strange like that.

Don’t let it get you down though. My husband and I get a room no matter whose family we visit because it is so much easier and more quiet than sharing a house and a bathroom with a big group of people who are all on different schedules. Contact her before she comes into town to see what days she is free and try to make plans in advance. If you make an effort to see a lot of her, it may not even bother you that at the end of the day your house is quiet and you have some time for just you and your husband.
 
I would let her know that her decision is extremely uncomfortable for you and that you are hurt. But that is all you can do this year, given that Christmas is so close.

It sounds like she has dumped her faith for the boyfriend. Sadly, I know so many women who have done the same. Hopefully she will come to her senses at some point in life.
 
Marla123 said:
My daughter is a 25 year old college graduate who lives about 6 hours away from us. We see her at every holiday and sometimes over long weekends. She’s been dating a man that we’ll call Josh for just over a year now, and although we’ve tried to meet him, it just hasn’t worked out. But, we’ve heard nothing but good things and from the sounds of it things are starting to get pretty serious. She’s finally bringing Josh home for Christmas, and we were all really happy to hear that we would get to meet him.

Until we found out that they would be staying in a hotel room. I don’t know if this is for more space and privacy in general, or if it’s because she knows that I would never let them share a room in our home. Either way, I’m surprised and hurt. All of our kids have always stayed with us when they visit.

And then we found out that they would not be attending midnight Mass with us. We offered to go Christmas morning instead, if they didn’t want to be up that late, but it turns out, they don’t want to go to any Mass with us, regardless of what time it’s held. I know she hasn’t been going regularly since moving out, but I didn’t think that she would have a problem with going. When I asked her about it she just said “Josh isn’t very comfortable with religion and I’m not really into that stuff anymore, so we’ll just hang out at the hotel room or exchange our gifts early and then meet up with you later”. When I asked her to go as a favor to us and a way to show Josh her family’s traditions, she just said, “No, really mom, it will be more comfortable for everyone if we don’t go”. It isn’t more comfortable for me.:mad:

I don’t want to fall into the parenting trap of blaming this on her boyfriend, because for all I know she felt this way before meeting him. But I’m still having a hard time going into this with an open mind, as I’m already angry about how this who situation is unfolding.
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It would be fair to say that he is a strong influence on her. Even in today’s PC society with women taking more leadership roles.

As far as parenting goes, I thought you handled the situation really well.

I can kind of see that you found out about this in such a way that they were hesitating to tell you that they would be staying together in a hotel and not going to Mass. 🤷 No doubt they are staying there because they know you wouldn’t let them sleep together.

I would keep in mind that they are both adults. You don’t have to agree with their decisions at all, but it’s important to be loving and charitable too.

I will pray for her to return to the Church and for Josh to convert as well. :gopray:
 
Contra_Mundum said:
It sounds like she has dumped her faith for the boyfriend.
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Not necessarily. There are an awful lot of young folks who reached the teen years and started to have doubts but went through the motions while living at home to please their parents and avoid conflict. Once those young adults are out in the world they stop pretending a faith they do not really feel in their hearts. When they start dating they look for similarly minded companions. Sure, it’s possible Josh influenced the OP’s daughter. It’s also possible that she stopped practicing her faith long before she met him and is just now admitting it to her mother.
 
MJJean said:
Not necessarily. There are an awful lot of young folks who reached the teen years and started to have doubts but went through the motions while living at home to please their parents and avoid conflict. Once those young adults are out in the world they stop pretending a faith they do not really feel in their hearts. When they start dating they look for similarly minded companions. Sure, it’s possible Josh influenced the OP’s daughter. It’s also possible that she stopped practicing her faith long before she met him and is just now admitting it to her mother.
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I in no way blame Josh for my daughter not going to Mass. She stopped attending Mass regularly when she started college. I have no doubt that she sought out her boyfriend as a like-minded person. She didn’t give up her faith for him.

What I do struggle with is that although my daughter hasn’t been practicing since she left the house, she has always stayed with me. Although she hasn’t believed in it, she has always gone to Christmas and Easter Mass with our family. The fact that those things are changing is what I am having a hard time not blaming him for.

The earlier posters were correct, I do have a polite, classy daughter, and for that I’m very thankful. 🙂
 
OP, you need to let your daughter be a grown up. She has her own life and she is living it. Your best bet it to be kind and stop pushing “she always stayed with us”. Just let it go.

And going to mass when she doesn’t believe in it isn’t being true to herself. Respect her decisions and pray for her. Pray works wonders.

She knows how you feel about all this but she is living her own life. She knows you don’t agree. Be kind anyway.

Did you have your whole life figured out when you were 25?? I sure didn’t. Let’s give her room to make mistakes and grow from them.
 
Marla123 said:
My daughter is a 25 year old college graduate who lives about 6 hours away from us. We see her at every holiday and sometimes over long weekends. She’s been dating a man that we’ll call Josh for just over a year now, and although we’ve tried to meet him, it just hasn’t worked out. But, we’ve heard nothing but good things and from the sounds of it things are starting to get pretty serious. She’s finally bringing Josh home for Christmas, and we were all really happy to hear that we would get to meet him.

Until we found out that they would be staying in a hotel room. I don’t know if this is for more space and privacy in general, or if it’s because she knows that I would never let them share a room in our home. Either way, I’m surprised and hurt. All of our kids have always stayed with us when they visit.
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It sounds like your daughter is trying to be as accommodating as possible by not even asking you to let them share a room. So many, many times, I’ve read here a mother in tears because her son or daughter insists on bring home an intimate partner.

From this perspective, realize she still respects your beliefs and values. This is huge!
 
Allegra said:
Go to Mass and enjoy yourselves. She’s probably right that it’s better that they not go if their only other option is going and acting resentful and ignorant.
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The OP said nothing that would suggest they would behave in such a way. In fact, from her description of her daughter and the boyfriend, I get the impression they would act very well. They simply have no interest in attending Mass.
 
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