Daughter coming out. What should I say?

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Oblaidon

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My 22 year old daughter told me she is gay. She says God made her that way. She has been trying to be otherwise and battling this for years.

I told her I still love her and I am proud of her. I asked her if she could be chaste, but it doesn’t seem so. She doesn’t have a current lover that I know of.

Now she is wanting to come out to all the family members. She doesn’t want to hide it.

My questions: What more should I say to her about her relationship with God? As a Catholic, what is my response to her coming out to the family? Why do gay people feel like everyone should know they are attracted to the same sex?

My feelings are that you love the person not the physical nature of the person. You can choose to love or not love people in a sexual way.

Please help,
Obl
 
Oblaidon said:
My 22 year old daughter told me she is gay. She says God made her that way. She has been trying to be otherwise and battling this for years.
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I personally agree with her statement, but in a whole differet light. God made us all through Adam and Eve. They fell from grace and corrupted our nature.
I told her I still love her and I am proud of her. I asked her if she could be chaste, but it doesn’t seem so. She doesn’t have a current lover that I know of.
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I admire your approach 👍
Now she is wanting to come out to all the family members. She doesn’t want to hide it.
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I can understand.
My questions: What more should I say to her about her relationship with God? As a Catholic, what is my response to her coming out to the family?
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I think this is one very difficult challenge. I would encourage her that with God, all things are possible. And remind her that you are always going to be there for her.
Why do gay people feel like everyone should know they are attracted to the same sex?
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Well, the good reason? So they aren’t hiding something they can’t help. The wrong reason? To accept a lyfestyle of homosexual relationships
My feelings are that you love the person not the physical nature of the person. You can choose to love or not love people in a sexual way.
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True, but easier said than done.

Overall, I sympathize. But all of our children have sinfull inclinations. I know I would not have been able to avoid these desires if I were homosexual, because I did not remain pure in my heterosexuality. We are not perfect. Just be very sensitive in your talks. I would be proud to know that your daughter could share this with you. Keep your relationship good with her! She is very young and has alot of life to live. She needs your support. But don’t be afraid to let her know from the outset the lines that you choose not to cross.
 
Oblaidon said:
My 22 year old daughter told me she is gay. She says God made her that way. She has been trying to be otherwise and battling this for years.

I told her I still love her and I am proud of her. I asked her if she could be chaste, but it doesn’t seem so. She doesn’t have a current lover that I know of.

Now she is wanting to come out to all the family members. She doesn’t want to hide it.

My questions: What more should I say to her about her relationship with God? As a Catholic, what is my response to her coming out to the family? Why do gay people feel like everyone should know they are attracted to the same sex?

My feelings are that you love the person not the physical nature of the person. You can choose to love or not love people in a sexual way.

Please help,
Obl
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What would you say to your adult daughter if she told you she was sexually active before marriage (with men)? In my opinion, how to respond to a daughter who says she is attracted to members of the same or opposite sex is not the question (that’s not a sin). The question is how to respond to an adult daughter who tells you she is engaging in sex outside of marriage.

I think you handled it just right. She is 22 years old and is free to make her own decision, both good or bad. I would tell her that you will always love her whatever decisions she chooses to make with her life. Tell her that there is nothing wrong or sinful about being attracted to other women. Regarding premarital sex, tell her you are sure she knows you are a faithful Catholic and therefore hold certain beliefs about sex outside of marriage (whether heterosexual or homosexual). You know she is an adult and will make her own decisions and you are not going to berate her about it. If she wants to have an honest discussion about your beliefs and why you believe them and you will listen to her perspective, in a respectful manner, you would be more than happy to have that conversation. But, you won’t alienate her. And, that conversation is only if she wants to do so and you won’t push her.

She’s 22 years old and has I’m sure heard from her friends that her “Backwards” mom will judge her and hate her and ostracize her for it. If you just come out with the fire and brimstone, it will just push her away. If you make it clear that you love her and that there is no sin in one’s feelings or attractions, without compromising about what you believe about sexuality outside of marriage and how God made each us as human beings, it will be more likely to keep a good relationship with you daughter.

Just my two cents.
 
rcwitness said:
I personally agree with her statement, but in a whole differet light. God made us all through Adam and Eve. They fell from grace and corrupted our nature.
I admire your approach 👍
I can understand.

I think this is one very difficult challenge. I would encourage her that with God, all things are possible. And remind her that you are always going to be there for her.
Well, the good reason? So they aren’t hiding something they can’t help. The wrong reason? To accept a lyfestyle of homosexual relationships
True, but easier said than done.

Overall, I sympathize. But all of our children have sinfull inclinations. I know I would not have been able to avoid these desires if I were homosexual, because I did not remain pure in my heterosexuality. We are not perfect. Just be very sensitive in your talks. I would be proud to know that your daughter could share this with you. Keep your relationship good with her! She is very young and has alot of life to live. She needs your support. But don’t be afraid to let her know from the outset the lines that you choose not to cross.
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^^^^ Also excellent advice.
 
I have no advice to offer, unfortunately. I just wanted to say I hope your daughter realizes how fortunate she is to have such a loving parent. I’ll hold you both in prayer.
 
Oblaidon said:
My 22 year old daughter told me she is gay. She says God made her that way. She has been trying to be otherwise and battling this for years.

I told her I still love her and I am proud of her. I asked her if she could be chaste, but it doesn’t seem so. She doesn’t have a current lover that I know of.

Now she is wanting to come out to all the family members. She doesn’t want to hide it.

My questions: What more should I say to her about her relationship with God? As a Catholic, what is my response to her coming out to the family? Why do gay people feel like everyone should know they are attracted to the same sex?

My feelings are that you love the person not the physical nature of the person. You can choose to love or not love people in a sexual way.

Please help,
Obl
Click to expand...
As a man who is attracted to other men, let me answer the bolded portion. She wants to tell everyone because she feels like she has been hiding this FOREVER, and she’s sick of the shame. Other people are allowed to talk about having crushes, or finding people attractive, or such, but she isn’t. Her affections – which she is not to blame for – cause scandal even by speaking of them.

That’s hard. You shouldn’t underestimate how hard that is for her.

The way you can help her in this is to make “being gay” a nonissue. It does not matter that she calls herself gay. That’s what it means to treat homosexual people with compassion and sensitivity, as the Catechism instructs us. As for homosexual activity, that is wrong, and she knows you believe it is wrong. But she’s not in danger of forgetting that, and frequent reminders won’t help. You might have to draw boundaries of speech or action with her, but she must always be allowed to call herself gay.

She needs unconditional love. Period. When she feels loved, she will be more likely to make herself vulnerable to you – and THEN real healing and real growth can occur.

It might take years, or decades. Wait it out. Pray. Trust.

Don’t be afraid. Let me know if there’s anything else I can help you with.
 
I heard of another book on Catholic Connection that you might be interested in…it’s by Robin Teresa Beck

robinteresa.com/Novel_IJustCameForAshes.htm

I have not read it but the endorsement from Dr. Mary Healy is a plus for me.

There is also a talk by her on youtube called the Power of Grace.
 
Prodigal_Son said:
As a man who is attracted to other men, let me answer the bolded portion. She wants to tell everyone because she feels like she has been hiding this FOREVER, and she’s sick of the shame. Other people are allowed to talk about having crushes, or finding people attractive, or such, but she isn’t. Her affections – which she is not to blame for – cause scandal even by speaking of them.

That’s hard. You shouldn’t underestimate how hard that is for her.

The way you can help her in this is to make “being gay” a nonissue. It does not matter that she calls herself gay. That’s what it means to treat homosexual people with compassion and sensitivity, as the Catechism instructs us. As for homosexual activity, that is wrong, and she knows you believe it is wrong. But she’s not in danger of forgetting that, and frequent reminders won’t help. You might have to draw boundaries of speech or action with her, but she must always be allowed to call herself gay.

She needs unconditional love. Period. When she feels loved, she will be more likely to make herself vulnerable to you – and THEN real healing and real growth can occur.

It might take years, or decades. Wait it out. Pray. Trust.

Don’t be afraid. Let me know if there’s anything else I can help you with.
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👍 Thanks so much Prodigal_Son for your boldness and faithfullness.

In a way, this affliction (should I call it an affliction?) gives you a no doubt conviction that you are Catholic. Why would anyone struggle against their nature to keep holy? As a convert, I know that I love the Catholic faith. And as a father of someone with homosexual orientation, you can show her you are a great Catholic man by loving her as a daughter you would never change for anyone else. I particularly learned something from Prodigal_Son here… Dont remind her or push your faith in the Church Teachings. Im sure she will ask in time, and then you can just explain simple and sweet your belief. The less you harp and preach, the less effective it would be, and the less she will admire your faith.
 
phillylawyer said:
What would you say to your adult daughter if she told you she was sexually active before marriage (with men)? In my opinion, how to respond to a daughter who says she is attracted to members of the same or opposite sex is not the question (that’s not a sin). The question is how to respond to an adult daughter who tells you she is engaging in sex outside of marriage.

I think you handled it just right. She is 22 years old and is free to make her own decision, both good or bad. I would tell her that you will always love her whatever decisions she chooses to make with her life. Tell her that there is nothing wrong or sinful about being attracted to other women. Regarding premarital sex, tell her you are sure she knows you are a faithful Catholic and therefore hold certain beliefs about sex outside of marriage (whether heterosexual or homosexual). You know she is an adult and will make her own decisions and you are not going to berate her about it. If she wants to have an honest discussion about your beliefs and why you believe them and you will listen to her perspective, in a respectful manner, you would be more than happy to have that "conversation. But, you won’t alienate her. And, that conversation is only if she wants to do so and you won’t push her.

She’s 22 years old and has I’m sure heard from her friends that her “Backwards” mom will judge her and hate her and ostracize her for it. If you just come out with the fire and brimstone, it will just push her away. If you make it clear that you love her and that there is no sin in one’s feelings or attractions, without compromising about what you believe about sexuality outside of marriage and how God made each us as human beings, it will be more likely to keep a good relationship with you daughter.

Just my two cents.
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Yes, I’d also recommend she watch the video advertised here online…
“The Desire of the Everlasting Hills” sometime.
It’s not real long, but shows real people with the real struggle with their feelings/attraction and how they have learned to cope. It’s excellent.
Be assured of our prayers.
 
Prodigal_Son said:
As a man who is attracted to other men, let me answer the bolded portion. She wants to tell everyone because she feels like she has been hiding this FOREVER, and she’s sick of the shame. Other people are allowed to talk about having crushes, or finding people attractive, or such, but she isn’t. Her affections – which she is not to blame for – cause scandal even by speaking of them.

That’s hard. You shouldn’t underestimate how hard that is for her.

The way you can help her in this is to make “being gay” a nonissue. It does not matter that she calls herself gay. That’s what it means to treat homosexual people with compassion and sensitivity, as the Catechism instructs us. As for homosexual activity, that is wrong, and she knows you believe it is wrong. But she’s not in danger of forgetting that, and frequent reminders won’t help. You might have to draw boundaries of speech or action with her, but she must always be allowed to call herself gay.

She needs unconditional love. Period. When she feels loved, she will be more likely to make herself vulnerable to you – and THEN real healing and real growth can occur.

It might take years, or decades. Wait it out. Pray. Trust.

Don’t be afraid. Let me know if there’s anything else I can help you with.
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This is the best post I’ve seen on this subject. Thank you for this.:o
 
I think the OP should tell his daughter there is no such thing as a ‘gay’ or ‘homosexual’ person; rather, we are all God’s children and, as mortals, are sometimes tempted by Satan to do sinful things. One such temptation is lust, which can be directed towards people of both sexes that are not our spouses. As Christians we are tasked with resisting such temptation, except if we are single, the subject of our desires is also single, and feels the same way - in which case, we can marry.

So your daughter needs love, support and prayer to resist the temptation to do anything sinful with another young woman. What she does not need is to be labeled, including by herself, as ‘gay’, as if that makes it OK to sin.
 
Prodigal_Son said:
As a man who is attracted to other men, let me answer the bolded portion. She wants to tell everyone because she feels like she has been hiding this FOREVER, and she’s sick of the shame. Other people are allowed to talk about having crushes, or finding people attractive, or such, but she isn’t. Her affections – which she is not to blame for – cause scandal even by speaking of them.

That’s hard. You shouldn’t underestimate how hard that is for her.

The way you can help her in this is to make “being gay” a nonissue. It does not matter that she calls herself gay. That’s what it means to treat homosexual people with compassion and sensitivity, as the Catechism instructs us. As for homosexual activity, that is wrong, and she knows you believe it is wrong. But she’s not in danger of forgetting that, and frequent reminders won’t help. You might have to draw boundaries of speech or action with her, but she must always be allowed to call herself gay.

She needs unconditional love. Period. When she feels loved, she will be more likely to make herself vulnerable to you – and THEN real healing and real growth can occur.

It might take years, or decades. Wait it out. Pray. Trust.

Don’t be afraid. Let me know if there’s anything else I can help you with.
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Great advice. 👍
 
I have read all of your posts and I appreciate your help.

I meet with her on Monday for a father daughter morning.

Right now I am thinking of saying to her, “As Catholics we don’t believe in premarrital sex. Admitting to the family of being a lesbian says you are having premarrital sex or at least plan to have premarrital sex. This is the cross you bare. It is not easy to be Catholic. It has not been easy for me to not sin. I strive to live by the faith. If I go to confession, I will be obsolved of my sin. If we tell the family, we can’t untell them. No matter what happens in your life they will see you as having had sexual relationships with women. I am not ready to reveal that to our family. You may be ready to reveal it, but I am sorry your mother and I are not”

“I love you and will always be there for you. I am not ashamed of you” “I am proud of you”
Code: 
I don't want this to become a part of her identity.  I don't want her to think of herself as gay first above other things.  She has so much more to offer.  She is an adult and her sex life should be private.  

Please continue to give advice.  I will read everything written.  Monday I plan on constrating more on the morning being father/daughter time to shop and eat breakfast.
 
There’s a problem with the “pre-marital sex” approach because it implies that if she “marries” another woman, then it’s ok. I put marries in scare quotes because it’s not a real marriage, but a legal rubberstamp granted by a insane government that is waging an informal war against reality.
 
Oblaidon said:
I don’t want this to become a part of her identity. I don’t want her to think of herself as gay first above other things. She has so much more to offer. She is an adult and her sex life should be private.
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Please read that paragraph back to yourself. You keep saying “I want”. But this is not about what you want, not even about what you want for her. She is an adult. She will talk about herself however she likes to, and you have no place to criticize her unless she is saying or doing something sinful. Calling herself gay may be helpful or unhelpful, but it is not sinful.

When she calls herself gay, that makes you feel uncomfortable. Pray about that. Your discomfort with her deeply, deeply affects her. She is hurting. She needs a safe place where she can say, “But Dad, I want this so bad!” without feeling your condemnation. She needs her feelings validated.

Do not validate her actions. But do accept her as your dear and wonderful daughter. You are not going to counsel her through this. Somebody might do that, but you won’t. Your role is to pray, to love, to comfort, and to draw boundaries, if necessary.
Right now I am thinking of saying to her, “As Catholics we don’t believe in premarrital sex. Admitting to the family of being a lesbian says you are having premarrital sex or at least plan to have premarrital sex. This is the cross you bare. It is not easy to be Catholic. It has not been easy for me to not sin. I strive to live by the faith. If I go to confession, I will be obsolved of my sin. If we tell the family, we can’t untell them. No matter what happens in your life they will see you as having had sexual relationships with women. I am not ready to reveal that to our family. You may be ready to reveal it, but I am sorry your mother and I are not”
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There are certainly lesbians who do not have sex. Eve Tushnet is one – a chaste lesbian Catholic. patheos.com/blogs/evetushnet

As for not being able to untell things, there are tons of young people who have had sexual relationships that, in one way or another (perhaps pregnancy), get found out by the family. This case is no different. Your daughter should be quite clear on what she’s getting into, when she “outs” herself. But it’s her decision. You may advise, but you may not tell her what to do.
“I love you and will always be there for you. I am not ashamed of you” “I am proud of you”
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See now, I don’t see how this second claim can be true. *Aren’t *you ashamed of her? When people do shameful things and then publicize them – I’m going on your assumption she’s not chaste – we become ashamed of them. I think that you need to be absolutely sure, though, that your actions toward her aren’t motivated by that shame.
 
Oblaidon said:
I don’t want this to become a part of her identity. I don’t want her to think of herself as gay first above other things. She has so much more to offer. She is an adult and her sex life should be private.

Please continue to give advice. I will read everything written. Monday I plan on constrating more on the morning being father/daughter time to shop and eat breakfast.
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I think my advice would be to listen to her. Really, really listen to her. Listen to how she feels.

Wishing you both the best.
 
VeritasLuxMea said:
I think my advice would be to listen to her. Really, really listen to her. Listen to how she feels.

Wishing you both the best.
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I agree with this advice most of all. Before giving her your prepared remarks, ask her questions and let her talk (to the extent she is comfortable sharing with you). If she asks you what your thoughts and beliefs are about he decisions, it is helpful to have thought ahead of time about what you are doing to say. But, nothing you say when you meet with her will change her mind. She will be looking for you to listen to her and understand her and love her for who she is.

Prayers for you and your daughter.
 
Tell her that there’s is nothing wrong with admiring what is beautiful of the same gender. Remind her that sexual activity is reserved for procreation and that not everyone is called to procreate. God did NOT make her gay, because gay in the true sense is someone who intends on practicing homosexual sex. same gender cohabitation, masculinity in women, femininity in men, those things aren’t sinful. Perverting sex for masturbatory reasons is sinful.
 
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