Daughter did not vist on thanksgiving because

[Cristiano]

annie this is totally uncharitable and callous. your not in the situation, and you don’t know the participants. please do not tell me something you know nothing about.please don’t presume to accuse me of using my imagination either. i’ve had past experience with this that you know nothing about.

Would you be so kind to explain why it is uncharitable and callous? She is just looking at common behaviors in our society and suggesting to reasonable ways to cope with it.

Of course she does not know the details, she just read your OP and that is probably why she suggests general coping methods. Judging from your reaction I think that she pushed some buttons that are quite close to what it really hurts you. You are accusing your daughter and her girlfriend, and then at the same time you defend them as if they were the best people on hearth.

I think that the dilemma is that your love for your daughter is so great that you are willing to accept her poor behaviors and suffer for it. That is your choice and I would probably do the same if my child were in the same situation.

 

[TraditionalCath]

I can see by your OP that you are in pain over this situation. Our adult children, and even sometimes our younger children, say and do things that are very hurtful to us. I can remember my two adult daughters telling me that I was the worst mother in the world. Now we could not be closer and although I will always remember that time, I know in my heart that they did not mean it, or at least that they do not think it now.

My best advice is to invite your daughter for holidays, always being sure to include her partner. I can understand why you are not in favor of the situation, but I believe that the quickest way to drive your daughter away is to make her choose between you and the partner. So, ask her once, and then let it go. If she indicates she will come and then does not, just say later that she was missed. The less argument about it the better.

Will it be easy? Absolutely not. But much as we might like to, we cannot make someone do something they do not want to do. Your daughter has a mind of her own and it is probably counterproductive to blame it on her partner. If you can remain loving in your words, but not pushy, I bet she will come around on her own. It may take a while, but she will recall the nice holidays at her childhood home and will want to recapture some of that. Perhaps it will also let her see her situation for what it is and get out of it. I will pray for you.

they are both welcome here. i never said they weren’t. it makes me uncomfortable, but i do not show it. i never once said her partner might not come to our home. i don’t want her to, but i do not say that to either my daughter or her partner. i welcome her partner even though it bothers me when they are both together.

iam glad though when she doesn’t come. it makes me relieved. i do alot of placating myself so i can have a good relationship with my daughter. i do the placating because i don’t want to turn her away from us. i do not show my displeasure in front of either of them. this is not the way to help your loved one see the truth. both know that i do not condone their lifestyle, but at the same time, we do not discuss it either.

 

[masondoggy]

my daughter and i love each other a great deal. we always have. she identifies herself as a catholic. and she makes the sign of the cross and will discuss catholicism with me. one time, when she had us over for a visit, she wanted to pray the hail mary and our father with us, and we did, and her partner was red faced when we did it. my daughter didn’t think it would offend her partner, but she saw the look on her partners face and immediately was quiet.

Wow, that’s very sad, and a huge cause for concern. It sounds like a controlling relationship to me. At this rate, your daughter is likely to lose her Faith completely. Keep praying.

btw, I think your family is doing the right thing by being respectful and welcoming of her partner. She likely has had so much negativity about religion drilled into her head for years and has never actually been exposed to a real example of a Christian. Your example can have a profound affect on her, it just may take time. Right now, it sounds like she’s fighting it tooth and nail, at your daughter’s expense.

 

[TraditionalCath]

Wow, that’s very sad, and a huge cause for concern. It sounds like a controlling relationship to me. At this rate, your daughter is likely to lose her Faith completely. Keep praying.

btw, I think your family is doing the right thing by being respectful and welcoming of her partner. She likely has had so much negativity about religion drilled into her head for years and has never actually been exposed to a real example of a Christian. Your example can have a profound affect on her, it just may take time. Right now, it sounds like she’s fighting it tooth and nail, at your daughter’s expense.

acually, the very opposite is true! she has been profoundly affected by my beloved brothers death. she went to see him in the hospital when he was dying of cancer. she saw him 3 times. and her partner was also affected. that is why i was surprised she came to his funeral ( her patner ). since his death, my daughter wants to come to Mass. i have been blown away to say the least! she knew he received Extreme Unction, and she was amazed at that. she has told me it had a profound effect on her. i think her partner has a difficult time seeing how close we all are, and she was amazed that even my protestant sister said the Chaplet of Divine Mercy at my brothers bedside! this is good. perhaps her conscience is making her think. i know my daughter was definitely affected when my brother died. she was heartbroken. we all were and still are.

 

[jnnywren]

Your Daughter probably does this to you because you have never questioned her actions, maybe it is time you did she may be surprised that you feel the way you do,our children don’t know how we feel unless we tell them (in a nice way) good luck hope it works out

 

[TraditionalCath]

Your Daughter probably does this to you because you have never questioned her actions, maybe it is time you did she may be surprised that you feel the way you do,our children don’t know how we feel unless we tell them (in a nice way) good luck hope it works out

she knows i do not condone her lifestyle. that is all i will tell her. i wont be an overbearing mother. i can support her and love her without letting my personal feelings get in the way. i wont do it. i talk here about my personal feelings because i can. i also speak to my priest and my husband as well. i wont lord my morals and beliefs to her. i never have, and i never will. i respect her. and i will not dump my feelings on her. i want a positive relationship with her and if i dump on her, it will only undo all the hard work and effort i have put into being as supportive as i can without condoning her lifestyle.
so i believe iam doing the right thing.

 

[jnnywren]

Perhaps you are not as,not hiding it as well as you think perhaps your face is telling a whole different story to your mouth,maybe she sees in your face that you don’t approve,and this is why her partner doesn’t come

 

[TraditionalCath]

Perhaps you are not as,not hiding it as well as you think perhaps your face is telling a whole different story to your mouth,maybe she sees in your face that you don’t approve,and this is why her partner doesn’t come

no. that is not why her partner does not come. you have to be here to understand the situation. i have described it the best i can as to why her partner doesn’t want to attend Mass, exct. i do not let anything show. i also do not put on airs either. if something is upsetting me related to this issue, i immediately speak to my husband or priest or family. i do not show it to her. and i will not.
if you knew me personally, you would know this. but since you don’t. you only see what you see here.

 

[kage_ar]

It would seem that this group

couragerc.net/Encourage.html

Can give you a level of support and advice that those who have not “walked in your shoes” cannot.

Prayers for you and your daughter.

 

[masondoggy]

no. that is not why her partner does not come. you have to be here to understand the situation. i have described it the best i can as to why her partner doesn’t want to attend Mass, exct. i do not let anything show. i also do not put on airs either. if something is upsetting me related to this issue, i immediately speak to my husband or priest or family. i do not show it to her. and i will not.
if you knew me personally, you would know this. but since you don’t. you only see what you see here.

Even though you are doing a great job hiding your feelings, chances are she’s still aware of how you feel. I’m sure your daughter knows and has told her. It immediately puts her on the defensive even though you are nice and welcoming in her presence. I think you are doing everything right here, but she is the one with the problem. There’s probably not much you can do.

 

[TraditionalCath]

Even though you are doing a great job hiding your feelings, chances are she’s still aware of how you feel. I’m sure your daughter knows and has told her. It immediately puts her on the defensive even though you are nice and welcoming in her presence. I think you are doing everything right here, but she is the one with the problem. There’s probably not much you can do.

well, i can love her as i always have and always will, and be there to support her and answer her questions when it comes to life, religion, you name it. i can be the best mom i can be. even if she knows iam hiding my feelings, she says nothing to me. her partner is very blunt and if she knew i was hiding my feelings, she’d call me out on it believe me. it’d be charitable, but she’d call me out on it.

 

[jnnywren]

Then i don’t see there is anything else you can do, but let her know you are there if she needs you and hope she comes, i will pray for you god bless

 

[TraditionalCath]

Then i don’t see there is anything else you can do, but let her know you are there if she needs you and hope she comes, i will pray for you god bless

agreed

here is what the Church has to say about this whole issue:

CONGREGATION FOR THE DOCTRINE OF THE FAITH

LETTER TO THE BISHOPS OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH
ON THE PASTORAL CARE OF HOMOSEXUAL PERSONS

vatican.va/roman_curia/congregations/cfaith/documents/rc_con_cfaith_doc_19861001_homosexual-persons_en.html

its long, but well worth the read!

 

[dixieagle]

no. that is not why her partner does not come. you have to be here to understand the situation. i have described it the best i can as to why her partner doesn’t want to attend Mass, exct. i do not let anything show. i also do not put on airs either. if something is upsetting me related to this issue, i immediately speak to my husband or priest or family. i do not show it to her. and i will not.
if you knew me personally, you would know this. but since you don’t. you only see what you see here.

I can empathize to a degree; my younger sister left her husband about 10 years ago (kicked him out, more specifically) and began a lesbian relationship. At the time, my elderly mom and dad, who had helped with down payments for her house, were living with her, at her request, as were her two young teens. Her lifestyle deeply bothered my very Catholic parents, and they were clear in what they told her, though always treated her and her partner with charity. My sister was home less and less and my parents were the moral compass for my niece and nephew, thank God. Ultimately, my sister told my parents she was selling the house, as she and her partner wanted to buy a house together. So, at ages 81 and 83, my parents had to find somewhere else to live. It was heartbreaking, and I know it led to my mom’s decline in health and death last year - just too much for them to cope with at that age.

Bottom line - my sister’s partner called the shots and my sister, who had always been pretty self-centered anyway, went along. They both came to my mom’s funeral, though relations with her were uncomfortable, at least on their part. They stay in occasional contact with my dad. My sister’s partner doesn’t quite know what to make of us; she had no religious upbringing, and my sister has abandoned her faith and become quite hostile to Catholicism; sad

I am glad your daughter still feels a connection to the Church. I feel you are doing what you can to maintain a relationship. It sounds as if the problem lies with her partner who is uncomfortable around your Catholic family and beliefs. All you can do is keep praying, be there for your daughter, and hope that she matures and realizes that she is hurting you. (Tell her to get that license and drive herself to see you - she is old enough!)

You’re in my prayers; I know this is tough.

God bless.

 

[TraditionalCath]

I can empathize to a degree; my younger sister left her husband about 10 years ago (kicked him out, more specifically) and began a lesbian relationship. At the time, my elderly mom and dad, who had helped with down payments for her house, were living with her, at her request, as were her two young teens. Her lifestyle deeply bothered my very Catholic parents, and they were clear in what they told her, though always treated her and her partner with charity. My sister was home less and less and my parents were the moral compass for my niece and nephew, thank God. Ultimately, my sister told my parents she was selling the house, as she and her partner wanted to buy a house together. So, at ages 81 and 83, my parents had to find somewhere else to live. It was heartbreaking, and I know it led to my mom’s decline in health and death last year - just too much for them to cope with at that age.

Bottom line - my sister’s partner called the shots and my sister, who had always been pretty self-centered anyway, went along. They both came to my mom’s funeral, though relations with her were uncomfortable, at least on their part. They stay in occasional contact with my dad. My sister’s partner doesn’t quite know what to make of us; she had no religious upbringing, and my sister has abandoned her faith and become quite hostile to Catholicism; sad

I am glad your daughter still feels a connection to the Church. I feel you are doing what you can to maintain a relationship. It sounds as if the problem lies with her partner who is uncomfortable around your Catholic family and beliefs. All you can do is keep praying, be there for your daughter, and hope that she matures and realizes that she is hurting you. (Tell her to get that license and drive herself to see you - she is old enough!)

You’re in my prayers; I know this is tough.

God bless.