Daughter engaged- why am I devastated?

[Lovemyfaith]

At nearly 24 your daughter is an ADULT .

I see adults making poor choices every day.

Good for them! He was asking to be polite!

I don’t even get this a little He came over one evening when our daughter was at work and said he wanted to marry our daughter. We told him that was nice, but maybe the two of them should hold off until DD was out of school. We talked about how much weddings can cost and the planning involved and the economy. This wasn’t an “asking” situation. I thought he was asking our advice about their next step. No one left in tears.

You kinda sound controlling in my opinion.how can she be independant if you interfere in her life to the extent that you say she cant get engaged yet? You feel shaken because you know that if she marries you wont be able to have the same kind of control over her and her life like you seem to have now.

You don’t know me or my daughter. If you did, you would know I wouldn’t say she could or couldn’t do anything. Our kids were taught about free will from the get go. I see a lot of families who don’t discuss actions/consequences with their children and then throw their hands up when their kids make poor decisions.

 

[Xantippe]

Lovemyfaith said:

“Nice or not, I still think their timing is off”

If your daughter knows that they are going to get married, she is going to be thinking about that no matter what. Drawing out the engagement just means that she has more time for distraction. There’s actually a pretty good case to be made for getting married swiftly and inexpensively and then moving on with the rest of life. Tasks tend to expand to fill the time available. I got married when I was in the middle of a graduate program and I remember my engagement was very distracting–there were so many disagreements with relatives about wedding details and dates that it was hard to focus on anything but the drama. It was such a relief to be able to get married, spend a couple of summer months nesting and hitting IKEA hard, and then buckle down to my studies.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

No tears, from any of us . We are a no drama kind of household I think if I called her finance every name in the book, they would be in shock because cursing is my pet peeve Besides, he is a nice kid So is DD

“no drama”? Yet you say in your post title you are “devastated”. That doesn’t sound “no drama” to me.

Nice or not, I still think their timing is off

Oh ye of so little faith in your daughter and her intended. You raised her, didn’t you? She’s capable of expressing love toward a husband, isn’t she?

At a time when some women are asking “where have all the good men gone?”, your daughter appears to have found herself a good man. Let her have him. On their schedule, not yours. Stop acting like a feminist who thinks women should be career-oriented and not marry until later. No such thing as “the” perfect time to marry because there is always going to be some issue or other.

If there’s anything you can do for them, the first thing is prayer. The second thing is to be cheerful and open when she calls asking questions regarding wedding planning. Don’t try to talk her out of it.

Finally, there’s no reason weddings have to be expensive. Consider whether some of that money might be better spent assisting the young couple post-wedding.

 

[Lovemyfaith]

My wife E_7, and I got married when she was still a student. I finished my postgraduate degree and I took a job. She was planning the wedding and everything during her final exams, and etc. She did very good, even thought she was so stressed out. All she needed was support from me, her family, and friends… She got that support.

But was she still stressed? Of course we support our children, we just don’t want it to be harder than it needs to be. Was the economy better at that time? That adds to the stress for me DD already has syncope (meaning she faints if she doesn’t eat, or is overly stressed) It’s been awhile (since undergrad) that she fainted, but I still worry.

(she is not going against God, is she? it is not like they are moving together before marriage)

Oh no! She wouldn’t do that.

Thank you for your reply. You came from a place close to where my DD is and made it, and I will keep your story close to my heart as I pray about this. Another person recommended asking for God’s mercy, so I will do that as well.

I come to Catholic Answers all the time for faith guidance. It seems like the right place to go for advice from others who have been through what I or my family are going through. My DH and children are so precious to me Honestly, I can’t put into words how hard they work and how good they are, not only to me, but to family, friends, customers, classmates, etc. I just don’t want to see them struggle any more than necessary.

 

[AussieTrish]

I don’t like to see mine struggle either. I want the best for them. This desire never passes, nor does the tendency to feel anxiety when you know they’re stressed, unwell, fatigued, in the wrong job, and numerous other things… Mine are in their forties and I still pray and worry over the things that stress or pain them. I have grandchildren in their teens or twenties, and now that burning desire for their protection and happiness extends to my grandchildren also.
As parents we are to a degree helpless in the face of our adult children’s lives and choices. And even if they have made the right choices, they still will go through times of struggle and difficulty. We will help where we can but this must be with respect to their adulthood and their choices. For us, somehow, it will never be as much as we would wish, so part of the pain for parents of adult children is that often we must stand by, pray, and have faith, always loving and wise.

God grant our children to be loved and loving, healthy and courageous, secure and safe…and hopefully, full of faith.

 

[Lorelei12]

Our soon to be 24 year old daughter just got engaged to a very nice young man. He has a good job, and she will be making very good money when she graduates in two years. They say they don’t want to get married for at least a year and a half. She lives at home, her now fiance is buying a home.
When this young man came to us a few months ago to ask permission, we said the timing is not good right now. We told him the two of them should wait for her graduation to get engaged and plan the wedding after that. Now is not a good time for our daughter to plan a wedding, or focus on anything other than her school (she has straight As). In the past, we have seen her focus drift when she is distracted. Our daughter also works over 30 hours a week in addition to being a full time student. She will also have college debt when she graduates. Even though we told him this, they got engaged… I understand they are both adults, but I still wonder why he bothered asking us.
We are not helicopter parents and we raised our daughter to be independent and make good, faith-filled choices, but the thought of her adding one more egg to her over flowing basket right now has me shaken. I am so happy she found a nice guy, but they both seem so young right now.

If they aren’t getting married for a year and a half, she’ll be what, 25 when they marry? What is the big deal about that? A year and a half is a long time to plan a wedding. I planned mine in about 6 months (while also attending school and working).

Your daughter has found a nice guy with a good job and will have a home to move into when she marries! My goodness, my husband and I are still living in a small apartment. This really is not a tragedy.

If I were you, I would get on board with all of this, fast. And I’d apologize to both your daughter and her fiance for your initial lack of support. How disappointing it must be for both of them to, instead of hearing a “congratulations”, get a lecture about waiting when it seems like they are both mature adults who are in a good financial position. Do you want that to be what they remember about their engagement?

 

[Lovemyfaith]

“no drama”? Yet you say in your post title you are “devastated”. That doesn’t sound “no drama” to me.

That’s silly. Of course I can feel devastated. I am not going to cry or scream or stay in bed though.

Stop acting like a feminist who thinks women should be career-oriented and not marry until later.

I am a feminist because I don’t want my
daughter going into more debt for a wedding while she has so much student debt nor do I want to see her have any more stress added to her last two school years? I want the same for her fiance by the way, and I am pretty certain he is a guy

No such thing as “the” perfect time to marry because there is always going to be some issue or other.

not looking for perfect, just better

The second thing is to be cheerful and open when she calls asking questions regarding wedding planning. Don’t try to talk her out of it.

She doesn’t have to call, she lives at home

 

[Pax2u]

OP, I can understand your feeling that “the timing is off” for your daughter’s plans. Believe me, my own adult kids sometimes make decisions that make me scratch my head, too…but they are adults, responsible for their own choices and actions, and I just bite my tongue if I don’t agree with something, unless I’m asked for an opinion.

And you know what…things tend to turn out ok. The times they may have made a choice that wasn’t the best…they learned a lot from it, and grew more as a person. It’s the way it should be.

My advice is to bite your tongue, congratulate them on the wedding, and enjoy the grandbabies when they come along. You’ll always worry and pray for them…that’s what parents do. But be supportive.

 

[Xantippe]

Lovemyfaith said:

“I am a feminist because I don’t want my
daughter going into more debt for a wedding while she has so much student debt nor do I want to see her have any more stress added to her last two school years?”

If the debt and expense is your worry, how about expressing that to your daughter, telling her what you expect your contribution will be, and doing your best to help her pull off a wedding within her means? Aiming to pay for everything in cash would be a great plan. Borrowing to pay for a party is a TERRIBLE idea no matter what.

 

[1ke]

Why are you devastated? Because change is difficult. Because you had ideas in your head about things and the reality is not matching them, hence disappointment.

You have one idea about how your daughter’s life should unfold and she has another. You had expectations, she has different expectations.

So you’ll have to grieve all the ideas you had about how things should go, and eventually get on board with the way they will actually go.

Your ideas were not right or wrong, and hers are not right or wrong, they are just different. As long as you stay in a place where mentally you are still tallying why your way is right and her way is wrong, you are going to be unhappy.

The ship has sailed, Mom.

 

[jazzy0710]

You kinda sound controlling in my opinion.how can she be independant if you interfere in her life to the extent that you say she cant get engaged yet? You feel shaken because you know that if she marries you wont be able to have the same kind of control over her and her life like you seem to have now.

Agreed!

 

[Cat]

OP, as long as you’re looking for “it all turned out fine” stories, my younger daughter is one of them.

She dated her boyfriend from the time she was 14 years old. He’s three years older than she is. He is a mechanic who graduated from a 2-year college.

As I mentioned in another post, my daughter attended a fairly-expensive college for physical therapy, which is a demanding major. At the same time she was taking 21 credit hours, she was also coaching figure skating 5 evenings/mornings a week at a rink about a half hour away from her college. (Big City–very big!)

Her boyfriend moved to the Big City after he finished his degree when one of the skating parents offered him a mechanic job. He had his own apartment, and she continued to live near her college with various roommates (girls).

They decided to get married when she was 22 years old, with two years of school left.

They did so, and as I said, the wedding cost only $7000 dollars. Part of that expense was due to a flood in her chosen lodging for her bridesmaids and girlfriends, which made it necessary for us to book a more expensive resort hotel instead. But still–$7000 isn’t bad, and the wedding was lovely. (There are a lot of ways that expenses can be cut; e.g., my daughter and her husband got married in the MORNING, which cut about a thousand dollars off the bill).

Since then, they have done very well. They both work hard in their jobs. She graduated summa cum laude (straight As), and had a job within 2 days of graduating. He made good money in the shop where he worked, and eventually was able to land an apprenticeship in an airport to learn aviation repair. He also has several other sideline jobs, which could actually turn into more lucrative full-time jobs.

They bought a house–nothing fancy, but a nicer house than my husband and I own.

She continues to coach, and loves it and plans to continue until she takes one of her teams to the Olympics.

Yes, they still have debts. He got into credit card debt when he was a teenager and didn’t really understand how credit cards worked. They’re still paying that off, even though he’s now 30.

And they have around $80,000 in college loans to pay off.

They are on target to have it all paid off by this summer, after six years of marriage. Not bad!

Debt is just a way of life in the U.S. for many young people. I know that Dave Ramsay and his ilk say that debt is of the devil, but it isn’t. It’s just the way things are. There’s no reason why it has to wreck marriages or lives as long as people stay on top of it.

If you read through this thread, you will see that most posters are encouraging you to stop putting up barriers between you and your daughter and her fiance, and get on board with the wedding. It will NEVER be “the right time” for your daughter to get married, move away from your home, start a new career, have a baby, buy a house, invest in a venture, etc.

I’m telling you again, if you push, she will pull HARD, and you will lose her and her husband. Don’t go there. Rather than sighing in her presence, smile, and then figure out a way to help without taking away her husband’s dignity as the head of their household.

BTW, you said that you didn’t react (cry, scream, stay in bed, etc.), But your daughter KNOWS exactly how you feel, and she resents it and is saddened by your attitude, even if she doesn’t show it. I get the feeling from your posts that in your family, feelings are hidden, and they fester under the surface. This is a very dangerous way to live. You might want to talk to a counselor about living “honestly,” rather than hiding feelings.

Also, how does your husband feel about all this? Is he a factor at all?

 

[Xantippe]

1ke said:

“Why are you devastated? Because change is difficult. Because you had ideas in your head about things and the reality is not matching them, hence disappointment.”

Exactly.

Cat said:

“Debt is just a way of life in the U.S. for many young people. I know that Dave Ramsay and his ilk say that debt is of the devil, but it isn’t. It’s just the way things are. There’s no reason why it has to wreck marriages or lives as long as people stay on top of it.”

But that’s the problem–can they? People keep piling it up as long as they can manage the payments and then one fine day, the music stops, and they realize that their plan only worked as long as everything went perfectly–everybody stayed healthy, nobody lost their job, nobody decided they wanted to stay home with the new baby.

And yes, money problems do wreck a lot of marriages.

With regard to paying for college, it can be hard to get around debt, because it’s hard to get that kind of money without the kind of job you get by going to college (although that seems to be changing) and of course few people have entire cost of a house all saved up, but otherwise there’s no reason to voluntarily tie that noose around your neck.

It’s quite possible this couple may already be a bit overextended if the fiance has already bought a house (unless it was a screaming deal).

As I said, nobody should be borrowing money to throw a party. That’s pretty much the definition of living beyond one’s means.

“I’m telling you again, if you push, she will pull HARD, and you will lose her and her husband. Don’t go there. Rather than sighing in her presence, smile, and then figure out a way to help without taking away her husband’s dignity as the head of their household.”

Yes!

And the wedding is a freebie as far as “helping” is concerned–it’s tradition for the bride’s family to take care of that.

“BTW, you said that you didn’t react (cry, scream, stay in bed, etc.), But your daughter KNOWS exactly how you feel, and she resents it and is saddened by your attitude, even if she doesn’t show it.”

Exactly.

I’m from a WASP family, I speak fluent WASP, and I know exactly what my family means, even when they don’t say it directly.

 

[E_7]

Our soon to be 24 year old daughter just got engaged to a very nice young man. He has a good job, and she will be making very good money when she graduates in two years. They say they don’t want to get married for at least a year and a half. She lives at home, her now fiance is buying a home.
When this young man came to us a few months ago to ask permission, we said the timing is not good right now. We told him the two of them should wait for her graduation to get engaged and plan the wedding after that. Now is not a good time for our daughter to plan a wedding, or focus on anything other than her school (she has straight As). In the past, we have seen her focus drift when she is distracted. Our daughter also works over 30 hours a week in addition to being a full time student. She will also have college debt when she graduates. Even though we told him this, they got engaged… I understand they are both adults, but I still wonder why he bothered asking us.
We are not helicopter parents and we raised our daughter to be independent and make good, faith-filled choices, but the thought of her adding one more egg to her over flowing basket right now has me shaken. I am so happy she found a nice guy, but they both seem so young right now.

My wife E_7, and I got married when she was still a student. I finished my postgraduate degree and I took a job. She was planning the wedding and everything during her final exams, and etc. She did very good, even thought she was so stressed out. All she needed was support from me, her family, and friends… She got that support. That is what you daughter needs now, your support. Show your daughter you trust her (she is not going against God, is she? it is not like they are moving together before marriage), and help her out if you can and she asks for help.

But was she still stressed? Of course we support our children, we just don’t want it to be harder than it needs to be. Was the economy better at that time? That adds to the stress for me DD already has syncope (meaning she faints if she doesn’t eat, or is overly stressed) It’s been awhile (since undergrad) that she fainted, but I still worry.

Oh no! She wouldn’t do that.

Thank you for your reply. You came from a place close to where my DD is and made it, and I will keep your story close to my heart as I pray about this. Another person recommended asking for God’s mercy, so I will do that as well.

I come to Catholic Answers all the time for faith guidance. It seems like the right place to go for advice from others who have been through what I or my family are going through. My DH and children are so precious to me Honestly, I can’t put into words how hard they work and how good they are, not only to me, but to family, friends, customers, classmates, etc. I just don’t want to see them struggle any more than necessary.

Hello Lovemyfaith,

I’m Patavium’s wife. When I became engaged to Patavium, I felt less stressed because we were no longer boyfriend and girlfriend, we were betrothed. Having him as my fiancé made my stressed life much easier and “pink”, I could rely on him and he always gave me his support! I was highly motivated every day I took classes, I knew that if I finish and graduate soon, the wedding day will be next! I was 21 years old when we got engaged. It all started when I was 19 years old when I knew that God was calling me to a married life (it was all new because I had this stubbornness of not getting married and die a virgin), so two years later, more or less, I met my now husband. After too much prayer asking God’s will to be done and for His guidance, we became engaged and we got married. My now husband was not physically with me to help me prepare for the wedding, but he was always there at any time I needed him. Right now, we don’t own a place and we are not settled, we travel continents back and forth and we are applying for a stable job in the States. Plus, I’m a US Citizen, he is not and we are unable to apply for green card because his current job is in Asia. I just want you to know that life can be less stressful if you have that special someone you can always rely on and count on, and share your responsabilities. Please don’t take away her happiness, she wants to marry him because she is seeking to be happy with him, don’t make it more stressful for her. He is the man she chose to love, she is the woman he chose to love! Let it be and leave it in the hands of your God, you gotta trust in the Lord even with your eyes closed, not just believe in Him!

Blessings,
Elizabeth

 

[The_Bucket]

I don’t even.

Look, I hate to be rude in any way, but you’re buying into the notion that marriage is a capstone and not a vocation. Struggles are going to come no matter how prepared one is. Life is a struggle. To me, better that your daughter struggles through life with a man that loves her and (I’m assuming) wants to bring her closer to God than she does so alone.

I don’t get the concern over the temporal. Or rather, I do, but what parents should be really worried about is their children marrying the wrong people. Wealth, health… these things don’t matter in the end, do they? Life might throw you a curveball tomorrow; your plans are not God’s plans. Ask 1ke said well, your plans are not your daughter’s plans. So what? Are they evil plans? Are you worried about her facing abuse? Her fiance being a bad father or husband? Are you worried he will pull her away from God? If not, why are you worried?!

They’re in their mid-20s. Hardly children. Hardly young. Marriage is not a capstone. It is a vocation and a tough one at that. It’s a way to serve God, to serve the community and to serve yet-to-be-born children. It is not something you do after you have all your “ducks in a row.” Certainly one should be prudent. Maybe not drop 30-grand on a wedding if you don’t have that kind of money. Maybe not jump in when you’re 18 years old and don’t have the slightest idea what you’re doing.

This guy obviously is well-off enough to afford a house. You’ve got to be in good financial shape to afford a house these days. It’s not 2003-06 anymore where you can get a home with no down payment.

If you have reservations over this guy not being a good guy, that’s one thing. That’s a time when you speak up. If your reservations are over really, super serious financial stuff like “you will literally end up on the street if you have a baby by this time next year” maybe speak up then too. But while these concerns seem urgent, in the end they are trivial because you have no idea what will come tomorrow, good or bad.

I married at 22. We had a baby by the time I was 23. Then a second at 24. My oldest spent months in the hospital and nearly died a few times. Then he got better. Then my wife had a health scare. We got help from our family, but I also got a better job. Then life settled down. We moved. I got a better job. I got a raise, a promotion, another raise. Life was good… then I fell really hard into pornography addiction. I had a huge falling out with my wife (rightfully on her end). We reconciled. I got into recovery. We had a third baby at 28. I got another promotion and another raise. We finally are nearing having enough savings for a downpayment. I’m sober. God is good. The financial stability is nice, but it also is trivial. I’m more focused on being a better man and thanking Him from saving me, one day at a time, from a pernicious addiction.

Life is insane. You cannot control it. My in-laws would have been right to raise an eyebrow if they knew that I had addiction problems… if I had known I had addiction problems! Money was never an issue. And when the chips were down and they’ve been down more than a few times, they’ve always been there. And not just for my wife. For me. The money? Pfft. We haven’t relied on family much for money. But when they could have advised my wife to stay away to protect her and the kids… they doubled down on me. They believed that there was a good man in there fighting with Satan, begging for help. They took a chance. That’s what family does. My father in law embraced me when I cried and asked him to forgive me for hurting his daughter. He handed me a copy of the Imitation of Christ and said he’d always be there… for me too.

If this guy is a good guy, if he wants to lead your daughter to Christ, embrace him. And embrace the fact that your daughter’s life is her life and her plans are not your plans… and God’s plans may not be your plans either. Then back both of them up.

September will be seven years for my wife and I. It turns out OK if you keep your faith in the One who will never leave you.

 

[Lovemyfaith]

No worries, no feelings hidden around here. We don’t yell because I made a deal with my kids when they were little ones that if you were called out for raising your voice in conversation, you had to put a quarter in the Yell-O jar (yes it was yellow). You got one warning then it was pay up time, and yes my husband and I were included The money went to charity. We do however talk. A lot. Last night at dinner, I asked my now future son in law what would happen should he lose his job once he and my daughter were married, if she was still in school. After all, he is buying a townhouse, and just bought a ring so I can’t think he has a lot of savings. He was shocked that would ask, as if that was impossible I went around the table and pointed to 3 of the 7 of us (and 3 of the others were him and my two children) and told him we had lost jobs. He then said he would easily get another, because at this point he has five years experience.

I read through these posts again. I guess it is hard to imagine, just by reading a post, what the whole story is. Just to ease your minds, I didn’t tell DD I was devastated when she came in from brunch to show me the ring I think my first words were “please don’t wear that to school, a man was shot near your school for his Iphone”. To which my daughter replied all of her professors have expensive jewelry. So please say a prayer for her safety because she is wearing the ring today. I knew an engagement was coming, they have been dating for awhile and as I said, the young man had come over to discuss it with us I was just hoping for a little more security.

 

[The_Bucket]

That follow-up makes me think you’re just panicked in general about your daughter growing up and being an adult. Yeah I’m sure I’m going to be terrified when those days come in 15-20 years.

He was probably shocked because that’s, well, it’s a very odd and faintly ridiculous question to ask. Why not just ask what will happen if he’s paralyzed in a car crash or something? And I mean that seriously. How can you expect everyone to know what’s going to happen in an emergency situation?

Should my mother in law have asked me: “Okay so what happens if you get pregnant three months after the wedding, then my daughter has a placental abruption, has to get taken to the hospital in an ambulance, nearly bleeds out and your child is born with a 50/50 chance at living? All by the way, well before your first wedding anniversary and a month after she graduated from college?”

How the heck am I supposed to know that? But it happened.

 

[Lovemyfaith]

I don’t even.

Look, I hate to be rude in any way, but you’re buying into the notion that marriage is a capstone and not a vocation. Struggles are going to come no matter how prepared one is. Life is a struggle. To me, better that your daughter struggles through life with a man that loves her and (I’m assuming) wants to bring her closer to God than she does so alone.

I don’t get the concern over the temporal. Or rather, I do, but what parents should be really worried about is their children marrying the wrong people. Wealth, health… these things don’t matter in the end, do they? Life might throw you a curveball tomorrow; your plans are not God’s plans. Ask 1ke said well, your plans are not your daughter’s plans. So what? Are they evil plans? Are you worried about her facing abuse? Her fiance being a bad father or husband? Are you worried he will pull her away from God? If not, why are you worried?!

They’re in their mid-20s. Hardly children. Hardly young. Marriage is not a capstone. It is a vocation and a tough one at that. It’s a way to serve God, to serve the community and to serve yet-to-be-born children. It is not something you do after you have all your “ducks in a row.” Certainly one should be prudent. Maybe not drop 30-grand on a wedding if you don’t have that kind of money. Maybe not jump in when you’re 18 years old and don’t have the slightest idea what you’re doing.

This guy obviously is well-off enough to afford a house. You’ve got to be in good financial shape to afford a house these days. It’s not 2003-06 anymore where you can get a home with no down payment.

If you have reservations over this guy not being a good guy, that’s one thing. That’s a time when you speak up. If your reservations are over really, super serious financial stuff like “you will literally end up on the street if you have a baby by this time next year” maybe speak up then too. But while these concerns seem urgent, in the end they are trivial because you have no idea what will come tomorrow, good or bad.

I married at 22. We had a baby by the time I was 23. Then a second at 24. My oldest spent months in the hospital and nearly died a few times. Then he got better. Then my wife had a health scare. We got help from our family, but I also got a better job. Then life settled down. We moved. I got a better job. I got a raise, a promotion, another raise. Life was good… then I fell really hard into pornography addiction. I had a huge falling out with my wife (rightfully on her end). We reconciled. I got into recovery. We had a third baby at 28. I got another promotion and another raise. We finally are nearing having enough savings for a downpayment. I’m sober. God is good. The financial stability is nice, but it also is trivial. I’m more focused on being a better man and thanking Him from saving me, one day at a time, from a pernicious addiction.

Life is insane. You cannot control it. My in-laws would have been right to raise an eyebrow if they knew that I had addiction problems… if I had known I had addiction problems! Money was never an issue. And when the chips were down and they’ve been down more than a few times, they’ve always been there. And not just for my wife. For me. The money? Pfft. We haven’t relied on family much for money. But when they could have advised my wife to stay away to protect her and the kids… they doubled down on me. They believed that there was a good man in there fighting with Satan, begging for help. They took a chance. That’s what family does. My father in law embraced me when I cried and asked him to forgive me for hurting his daughter. He handed me a copy of the Imitation of Christ and said he’d always be there… for me too.

If this guy is a good guy, if he wants to lead your daughter to Christ, embrace him. And embrace the fact that your daughter’s life is her life and her plans are not your plans… and God’s plans may not be your plans either. Then back both of them up.

September will be seven years for my wife and I. It turns out OK if you keep your faith in the One who will never leave you.

We are there for both of them. I would like to see him come into the Catholic church, as he is not catholic, because I believe the Eucharist gives strength, God was your strength, I would hope the same for my future son in law.

 

[Scott_Waddell]

Let’s see:

Hubby with good job
Not cohabitating
Asks parent’s permission
Takes marriage seriously

I think that qualifies for the Tickled Pink response.

 

[His_helpmeet]

OP, it sounds as if you’re really worried about the expense of the wedding. I think what you forget is that a wedding does not have to be expensive. If it’s not possible for them to afford a large wedding, might it be an option to have a simpler wedding now and then a larger party later on? Or just have a simple wedding altogether. Homemade invitations (printed on a computer), less expensive floral arrangements, a less expensive venue, and homemade decorations can save A LOT of money. Depending on the size of the family, choosing to forego a sit-down meal can also save on the cost. It’s not about the wedding, it’s about the MARRIAGE that comes afterward.

The reality is that your DD will likely be paying off that debt for years to come. That’s a reality. That said, it’s generally cheaper for a married couple because they are able to share expenses, such as housing. (I realize she lives with you, but keep in mind this will also offset the housing costs for her husband.) It’s not always realistic for a couple to live completely debt-free - but having a plan to repay that debt ASAP is a good idea. They can sit down together and do up a budget that allows for some discretionary funds, some emergency funds, and debt repayment each month.