Daughter Friend Dilemma

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If you’re husband’s practice is at the mercy of his 7yo daughter, I’d suggest you look for a job.

If your husband is run out of town, then you move, but you will not be "ruined’…Doctors are a fairly employable group of people and rather in demand. If the other little girl wants only to play with other doctors children, might it be because perhaps she hopes to find understanding with other children who might have to deal with the same type of person her father is–the same schedule, never being able to fake sick, etc. Or perhaps her mother won’t let her have other friends and she’s desperately reaching out for someone to befriend her?

You are bullying and turning your daughter into a selfish snob.

How do you fix the problem?

“Sally, Hannah often behaves in ways that are very wrong. Our family believes that other kids should be included. We believe that it is wrong to make fun of others and we try to include everyone. You will learn as you grow that some people can be nice on the surface but bad in their hearts. I want you to talk to me when Hannah does things that you think would hurt others.”

Even if Hannah becomes her very best friend, this is about the conversation that you have with your daughter.

When your daughter is 12 and in middle school and the teacher assigns them a project together and they have to work on it all semester what then? When your daughter is 15 and joins the JV sports team or is in a play where they have lines to rehearse? When your daughter is 20 and decides to seriously date a young man of another doctor in town? Will that ruin your family?

How not to get your daughter to play with another child? You don’t. You sit down and ave a rational conversation about this other child’s habits over and over and over .

The other child is 7. Being cruel to her for your own personal gain is just terrible…maybe even sinful.
 
You don’t think your current actions will cause gossip? You’ve already described A’s mom as someone who has a lot of influence amongst the families at the school. You don’t think she’ll have a few things to say when it gets back to her that you told your 7yo to not play with her daughter when invited to? I assure you, if you don’t like the feedback you’re getting here, you’re going to hate it when you’re the talk of the funeral luncheon committee!
 
Your dilemma really made me think. I have talked to my daughter about high school cliques and how they are still prevalent even in women in their 40s. Yes, army wives of 20 years still act like high school girls. However, this thread made me realize that I was wrong - it starts in 2nd grade.

Even in my mid 40s, I remember B. My mother thought she was a really nice girl. Years later as we talked, I was able to correct her perception. It is funny how kids can act a certain way around adults so that adults think they are wonderful. And young kids don’t always have the cognitive ability or words to express what is going on.

So to address what is going on at school first, you aren’t there and don’t know the whole situation. It stands out to me that even though there are only 3 girls in your daughter’s class, B has plenty of friends in the other classes and doesn’t play alone. Perhaps A is shy or an introvert and doesn’t do well with a large group. My friendship with a girl like your daughter was the best friendship I ever had. She learned to navigate her relationship with me and B (plus B’s friends). And obviously her mother valued our friendship as I was the only non family member asked to do a reading at her funeral Mass. (And no other friend even attended.)

Again, it is possible that your daughter isn’t even aware of some of the dynamics, but you are robbing her of some serious growth if you decide that A is horrible based on these interactions to the point of not even allowing them to play at school. (How does that even work?)

I propose that you look into some of the resources offered here, because I agree that no kid’s mother is going to get all of a good doctor’s patients to leave him. However, if it concerns you that much, I would think you should move your daughter to a school where her classmates aren’t your husband’s patients. She should not be reasonable, to this degree, for your family’s income.
 
You can tell your little one to just say she will be playing with the other child today and ask the other if they would like to join her. This works in both directions for both friends and teaches inclusion. If one or the other child does not want to play then it was thier own choice as your daughter offered. It seems she gets along with both, and that’s a wonderful thing.

As for the parents status that should not even be a consideration unless thete is a pattern of unstableness or there is a safety concern with your child playing at thier home.

If gossip is a concern in your town it’s better to rise above it and continue to teach your child the fundamentals of Catholic life. If you do this, and people know you and your family it reflects on the gossiper, not you.

I hope this helps.
 
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If anything is going to cause gossip and damage your husband’s small town practice, it will be your bizarre behavior and beliefs regarding the social dynamics of second graders. Please, stop and think about getting some counseling or priestly counsel for whatever is underlying this extreme anxiety and catastrophizing.

Unless you are a troll, in which case: well done.
 
Oh-- another anecdote.

So, I was subbing for the high school. It was a class of six, and it was the last period of the day. They had a group project they were working on, and so they were sitting together and working and making conversation while they worked.

The subject bounced from “who still sleeps in their parent’s bed” (I was really surprised-- and I was even more surprised they admitted it in public) and went on to cover the doctors in town and prescription drug abuse.

“My grandma says that Doctor So-and-So believes anything you tell him.” That was the doctor who goes to my church. Two of his kids are the same age as my two.

“Yeah, I heard that Doctor Such-and-Such is like that, too. He’ll prescribe anything you tell him you need.” Ah, that was the doctor for me and my kids.

“Doctor This-and-That is the same way.” Nope, he wasn’t on my radar.

“But not Doctor X.”

“No, Doctor X is pretty sharp.”

So, I was really amazed. When I was in high school, prescription drug abuse wasn’t part of my universe. But here were these high school kids, who didn’t abuse prescription drugs themselves, but they knew all about it— and they were familiar with the reputations of every doctor in our small town and who you went to for pills. Not that the doctors were knowingly writing bad prescriptions… but they were the ones who could be used.

So, that’s the sort of information that gets traded around in small towns. 😛
 
midori said:
Oh-- another anecdote.

So, I was subbing for the high school. It was a class of six, and it was the last period of the day. They had a group project they were working on, and so they were sitting together and working and making conversation while they worked.

The subject bounced from “who still sleeps in their parent’s bed” (I was really surprised-- and I was even more surprised they admitted it in public) and went on to cover the doctors in town and prescription drug abuse.

“My grandma says that Doctor So-and-So believes anything you tell him.” That was the doctor who goes to my church. Two of his kids are the same age as my two.

“Yeah, I heard that Doctor Such-and-Such is like that, too. He’ll prescribe anything you tell him you need.” Ah, that was the doctor for me and my kids.

“Doctor This-and-That is the same way.” Nope, he wasn’t on my radar.

“But not Doctor X.”

“No, Doctor X is pretty sharp.”

So, I was really amazed. When I was in high school, prescription drug abuse wasn’t part of my universe. But here were these high school kids, who didn’t abuse prescription drugs themselves, but they knew all about it— and they were familiar with the reputations of every doctor in our small town and who you went to for pills. Not that the doctors were knowingly writing bad prescriptions… but they were the ones who could be used.

So, that’s the sort of information that gets traded around in small towns. 😛
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They were parroting info they heard at home.

It’s amazing what kids pick up, and now you know about the families attitudes too as it reflected back to them.
 
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I agree Katie. Unless these students went to these doctors, they are just repeating the gossip they heard at home.
 
You sound like you are very afraid that a slight social mistake could have very severe consequences in your small town. I have the impression that you could end up feeling constantly nervous around other people, maybe esp. the other mothers.

But what I really wanted to say is a suggestion about how to help your daughter. Talk with her about these things. For example, she tells you that A wants to start an exclusive club.

You ask your daughter what she thinks about that. Anything could happen, but may be she will say it sounds ok while looking or sounding hesitant. Ask her about her apparent discomfort: you say it sounds ok, but you hesitate when you say it, or you look unhappy about it. Then she might open up with her feeling of discomfort: A doesn’t want Z in the club, and I like Z.

And from there, you two can discuss the situation further.

One thing that might be helpful for your daughter is if you can say the name of what you think she’s feeling: you sound sad/angry/scared that A doesn’t want to let Z in the club. She’ll probably correct you if you are wrong. But this would help your daughter to be aware of her feelings about situations (do this with good feelings too!), and you can help her learn to consider feelings, esp when they are sounding a warning.

So if she were to say, I don’t feel sad exactly, more like nervous. Z made a funny joke in class and everyone laughed and since then, A wants to keep Z out of the club.

And then you have a real basis from which to talk. You can see that it would be a totally different conversation if your daughter said, I feel sad A won’t let Z in because I like Z too.

Naming feelings can be important because they give us ideas about what is happening. The feelings may be wrong, like the classic of a husband’s fear his wife is having an affair when she is planning a surprise for him, but that too is important.

Another reason is that is when we don’t acknowledge our feelings they act like unruly children in our heads and we feel completely overwhelmed or stressed out. Just saying, “I feel X,” can calm our minds down. (Putting Feelings Into Words Produces Therapeutic Effects in the Brain; UCLA Neuroimaging Study Supports Ancient Buddhist Teachings | UCLA) Amazingly, this actually works!
 
Look, if you asked advice on this forum about whether to hit your daughter with a wooden spoon or a belt, you wouldn’t get the answers you want, either. The reason people are responding to your request negatively is that it’s harmful.

Also, your fears of winding up in the poorhouse are unfounded. Let’s assume that B has both immense local power and deep stores of pettiness, and that she, being offended because your daughter sometimes doesn’t play with her daughter, resolves to reduce you to beggary. (I mean, this sounds like a second-rate Victorian novel plot, but let’s assume that it’s true.) Doctors have some of the lowest unemployment rates of anyone. Lousy doctors who have been sanctioned find jobs. Your absolute worst case scenario is that you would have to move because Evil Mastermind B’s Mom spreads rumors.

We hear you. We hear you’re afraid. But the course of action you’re trying to take just is not the way to help your husband’s career, nor to help your daughter learn good social skills nor kindness. What you’re trying to do to your daughter is, in truth, stunting her. And really, if you’re so worried about B’s mother, why not try to cultivate her yourself instead of foisting the social burden onto your daughter?
 
Not the one she was posting on today, though; that wasn’t locked, it just disappeared.
 
You mean the one where she asked our opinions on their discipline policies and child rearing? That’s gone.
 
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