Daughter into some really bad sexual stuff

[daniden]

Our daughter, who has a mild version of asperger syndrome (and depression) and is almost 25 (still living at home) has gotten herself involved in some terrible, sexual stuff. So horrible and vile it makes me want to vomit and making me feel like I don’t know her anymore (I’m sure there is porn involved as well). This also involves a very weird, manipulative guy(22) who she’s been obsessed with for over 2 years and who, it seems, she will do just about anything for (we’re pretty sure she converted to LDS last year because of him). She’s been warned by her friends that know him well to stay away from him, but she won’t listen. He has supposedly been dating another girl for a while, but she wants to stay chaste…so he started texting our daughter again (after not contacting her for a while) about 6 or 7 weeks ago. They started doing stuff together and he even said that he’s just practicing on her for the girl he’s planning to marry and all kinds of weird stuff. Of course, she was initially upset by that, but then he apologizes and says he loves her and everything’s somehow ok again.

We warned him we will go to the bishop of his ward to report him if he didn’t stop contacting her, but he hasn’t (we have screen shots of some of the texts between them…she gave us her phone to look). I know this won’t prevent her from trying to see him, but I’m hoping it’ll at least get him in some hot water.

She is a very vulnerable, gullible young woman…especially when it comes to him. At the same time, me and my husband are very angry with her because of the lengths she will go to hide this and that she’s engaging in the stuff she’s been engaging in and she seems to know what she’s doing (she’s always prided herself on being pure and chaste before marriage too). It’s just sick.

We’ve spent so many years trying to help her with various issues, wiping tears from her eyes, giving her advice she asks for (and recently too), going to the ends of the earth and back for her…but she just turns around and does whatever she wants. I am seriously tired and DONE!

My husband took the use of our cars away from her(except for work and doctor’s appts) as well as internet access on her devices (she just bought her own phone about 2 months ago too). We can’t allow her to use our stuff for this behavior you know? We also have younger children living at home (we have 6 kids,total) and we are to the point that if she continues this behavior, she will have to live somewhere else. I can’t even look at her or talk to her anymore. Not sure what I’m asking for here, but please pray for her and our family. Everything is just so toxic right now and I don’t know what the answer is anymore. Thank you for reading this…

 

[Allegra]

Prayers for your daughter and your family.

 

[Tablefor9]

I believe in God, the Father almighty…

Our Father…

Hail Mary…

Hail Mary…

Hail Mary…

Holy God, Holy Omnipotent One, save us who dwell in this land.

Jesus Savior, merciful Savior, spare your people.

Son of God, Eternal Son, thank You for the things You have done.

 

[Hope_Philomena]

I also am a girl on the autism spectrum, and a very common thing with us is that gullible nature you described… Because we don’t really know better, you know? We’re just trying to understand emotions, so when there’s a person who seems to offer great guidance we tend to fall head first into an obsession. But I’m sure you know that all.

You just need to continue being patient and guiding her toward positive influences for her to take guidance from instead of this man. Easier said than done, of course, but God is here for you.

Girls with aspergers are so easily manipulated, so just remember that in your heart at all times in order to remain empathetic to her situation and never give up on her, even when she seems like a stranger.

 

[daniden]

Thank you for your perspective. I appreciate that. It’s just so hard because she just won’t listen to us and people who know this guy and she’s being very obstinate. I haven’t really given up on her, deep down, but we’re just very angry right now and it’s going to take some for us to come to grips with all this and figure out, if anything, what we can do. She has good, wholesome friends she hangs around, but she chooses to do this stuff anyway…behind everyone’s back.

 

[USMC_Convert]

Our Father…

Hail Mary…

Glory Be…

 

[SAVINGRACE]

He sounds like a predator who has sought her out because of her nature. As a last ditch effort, go and see the LDS Bishop of his parish. Tell him about your daughters aspergers, show him the evidence and ask if he can help in any way.

My Baptist friend has a son who has mild aspergers, he is 22 and a qualified mechanic, he lives away from home and is independent. His parents are only a 10 minute drive away. He has grown up to be thoughtful, respectful and intelligent young man. His mum used to worry but she is so happy with his independence thanks to assistance from special education teachers, their church and his employer.

Do you think your daughter is capable of coping on her own? Does she have a job?

It’s a terrible situation, you also have 5 other children whose welfare you have to consider not to mention the strain on your marriage. I will keep your family in my prayers.

 

[Matt241]

I also am a girl on the autism spectrum, and a very common thing with us is that gullible nature you described… Because we don’t really know better, you know? We’re just trying to understand emotions, so when there’s a person who seems to offer great guidance we tend to fall head first into an obsession. But I’m sure you know that all.

You just need to continue being patient and guiding her toward positive influences for her to take guidance from instead of this man. Easier said than done, of course, but God is here for you.

Girls with aspergers are so easily manipulated, so just remember that in your heart at all times in order to remain empathetic to her situation and never give up on her, even when she seems like a stranger.

This is good advice, Philomena. God bless. Praying for Daniden’s intentions as well. I hope everything works out for you and your daughter.

 

[CatholicSheila]

If I’m reading this right, in summary,your 25 year old daughter is having sex with a man you don’t approve of.

She doesn’t need your approval for who she dates or who she has sex with. Whilst Catholic parents would prefer their children remain chaste until marriage your daughter isn’t doing anything ‘odd’. She’s just not doing what you want.

My suggestion would be to get used to it. All of your children are going to do things that you don’t like. I don’t understand why you would kick her out over this. Certainly have a ‘no sex in my house’ rule. But if she isn’t doing it at home (and nothing you’ve said suggests she is) then you are over reacting.

 

[Matt241]

If I’m reading this right, in summary,your 25 year old daughter is having sex with a man you don’t approve of.

She doesn’t need your approval for who she dates or who she has sex with. Whilst Catholic parents would prefer their children remain chaste until marriage your daughter isn’t doing anything ‘odd’. She’s just not doing what you want.

My suggestion would be to get used to it. All of your children are going to do things that you don’t like. I don’t understand why you would kick her out over this. Certainly have a ‘no sex in my house’ rule. But if she isn’t doing it at home (and nothing you’ve said suggests she is) then you are over reacting.

As Christians, we are supposed to hold to certain standards, and abide by certain moral norms, not of our our making, but of God’s. She may not need her parent’s approval, but she certainly requires God’s approval to lead a good and healthy life.

 

[Elena321]

It might help to keep in mind that some of your daughters “extreme sexual behaviours” might be as a result of her Autism spectrum disorder.
Having an awareness that there may be a medical/hormonal contribution should hopefully then make it a lot more easier to have lots of patience and compassion towards her.
Or alternatively,it might be just this guy taking advantage of her and her being willing to do anything to please him so he will still “like” Her.

Does your daughter have anyone (preferably younger than her parents) that can talk with her openly about subjects such as how a guy should treat you,what are loving actions vs what aren’t,how to respect herself and know her worth and about sexuality (more that just about chastity) but also about what is healthy sexually vs what isn’t?

Are there any other (more upstanding) guys that are interested in your daughter in a romantic sense?
IOW, if this guy is the only one then she may be willing to compromise herself due to her lack of social skills and belief that she won’t get another boyfriend.

How did you find out what she was doing and where is she doing it?

“…, she was initially upset by that, but then he apologizes and says he loves her and everything’s somehow ok again”

The above statement suggests that either your daughter has very low self worth or that she’s completely naive/innocent and believes whatever he is telling her.

If the cause is her self worth,then that is what needs to be worked on.
If the cause is pure over trusting/gullible then skills to help her understand the different kinds of people there are in the world and their motivations is what needs to be worked on.

These are some studies (abstracts only) regarding the medical aspects:

ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26265030
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/25749749
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19751388

 

[Allegra]

If I’m reading this right, in summary,your 25 year old daughter is having sex with a man you don’t approve of.

She doesn’t need your approval for who she dates or who she has sex with. Whilst Catholic parents would prefer their children remain chaste until marriage your daughter isn’t doing anything ‘odd’. She’s just not doing what you want.

My suggestion would be to get used to it. All of your children are going to do things that you don’t like. I don’t understand why you would kick her out over this. Certainly have a ‘no sex in my house’ rule. But if she isn’t doing it at home (and nothing you’ve said suggests she is) then you are over reacting.

Growing up, we were never under the impression that living at home with their parents was something legal adults were supposed to do, much less entitled to do. Parents don’t have to support a grown child who isn’t living right. And in the case of drugs, general irresponsibility, or financial mismanagement, allowing the adult child to live with you might actually be enabling their behavior.

 

[daniden]

He sounds like a predator who has sought her out because of her nature. As a last ditch effort, go and see the LDS Bishop of his parish. Tell him about your daughters aspergers, show him the evidence and ask if he can help in any way.

My Baptist friend has a son who has mild aspergers, he is 22 and a qualified mechanic, he lives away from home and is independent. His parents are only a 10 minute drive away. He has grown up to be thoughtful, respectful and intelligent young man. His mum used to worry but she is so happy with his independence thanks to assistance from special education teachers, their church and his employer.

Do you think your daughter is capable of coping on her own? Does she have a job?

It’s a terrible situation, you also have 5 other children whose welfare you have to consider not to mention the strain on your marriage. I will keep your family in my prayers.

We are planning on going to his bishop soon, but I’m sick right now.

She does have a job, but it’s only part-time. We had her go through vocational rehab to help access her needs and interests, but she hasn’t seen them in a little while. She needs to follow up with them in hopes of eventually getting a self-sustaining, full-time job. She’s not the greatest with follow-through sometimes. I think she could live away from home, if she has friends living with her to help support her in day-today stuff…ie.paying bills, budgeting, etc.

And yes, that is what concerns me…her having 3 younger siblings (12, 10, and 5). The 12 yr old looks up to her. We have 2 older kids too, a daughter (23) and a son (20). They hate what she’s doing, but they try their best to pray for her.

 

[daniden]

If I’m reading this right, in summary,your 25 year old daughter is having sex with a man you don’t approve of.

She doesn’t need your approval for who she dates or who she has sex with. Whilst Catholic parents would prefer their children remain chaste until marriage your daughter isn’t doing anything ‘odd’. She’s just not doing what you want.

My suggestion would be to get used to it. All of your children are going to do things that you don’t like. I don’t understand why you would kick her out over this. Certainly have a ‘no sex in my house’ rule. But if she isn’t doing it at home (and nothing you’ve said suggests she is) then you are over reacting.

This is a lot more than just about a “man we don’t approve of.” We feel that this could potentially get dangerous for her, not only because of her vulnerability, but because we believe this guy also has mental issues.So, no, I’m not overreacting.

I don’t know that it would come down to us making her leave, but she also knows that we will not enable her behavior while she lives here. It may just take her living on her own for a while (with good, wholesome friends) to help her see that what she’s doing is wrong and that she had it good with her family. She doesn’t fully appreciate that.

 

[daniden]

As Christians, we are supposed to hold to certain standards, and abide by certain moral norms, not of our our making, but of God’s. She may not need her parent’s approval, but she certainly requires God’s approval to lead a good and healthy life.

Absolutely! This is where we’re coming from. We also can’t enable her to do the things she’s doing while she lives here.

 

[daniden]

It might help to keep in mind that some of your daughters “extreme sexual behaviours” might be as a result of her Autism spectrum disorder.
Having an awareness that there may be a medical/hormonal contribution should hopefully then make it a lot more easier to have lots of patience and compassion towards her.
Or alternatively,it might be just this guy taking advantage of her and her being willing to do anything to please him so he will still “like” Her.

Does your daughter have anyone (preferably younger than her parents) that can talk with her openly about subjects such as how a guy should treat you,what are loving actions vs what aren’t,how to respect herself and know her worth and about sexuality (more that just about chastity) but also about what is healthy sexually vs what isn’t?

Are there any other (more upstanding) guys that are interested in your daughter in a romantic sense?
IOW, if this guy is the only one then she may be willing to compromise herself due to her lack of social skills and belief that she won’t get another boyfriend.

How did you find out what she was doing and where is she doing it?

“…, she was initially upset by that, but then he apologizes and says he loves her and everything’s somehow ok again”

The above statement suggests that either your daughter has very low self worth or that she’s completely naive/innocent and believes whatever he is telling her.

If the cause is her self worth,then that is what needs to be worked on.
If the cause is pure over trusting/gullible then skills to help her understand the different kinds of people there are in the world and their motivations is what needs to be worked on.

These are some studies (abstracts only) regarding the medical aspects:

ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26265030
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/25749749
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19751388

Yes, she has many friends who have talked to her about how guys should treat her, chastity, self-worth…all of those things, but not sure how much she takes it to heart. Also, when she gets something set in her mind, she holds onto it, tenaciously. She believes she and this guy have some sort of “bond and chemistry.” She told me that she thinks he may be on the spectrum as well and has adhd…probably some other psych issues (she told me he has asked underaged girls for their nude pics before)…so there’s that. We think he has the potential of being dangerous for her because of the psych issues and because he has already shown signs that he is becoming very possessive. I think she feels like that is a sign of “love” though…kind of like the relationship in “50 Shades…” She even said in one of texts that she and this guy are much like the characters in that movie. She told me she gets an “adrenaline rush” when he texts her.

We have always tried to be compassionate towards her her whole life, but it comes to a point where she just doesn’t truly to want our help (even though she may ask for it sometimes). She’ll act like she’s listening and even agreeing with what we’re saying, but at the end of the day, she does what she wants, so it just gets really tiring for us and we feel like we’re just wasting our time and effort. It’s just getting really, really old. There’s only so much a parent can take, you know?

There is a guy who lives further up our state who she’s been talking to and who likes her, but he’s quite a bit older than she is and they’ve actually never met (he’s a friend of a friend). I really don’t know a lot about him. As I said though, she is so obsessed with this other guy that I don’t know that she’ll want to be in a relationship with other guys.

We found out about the activity and texts because my husband asked her to give him her phone. She did, hesitantly, but let him look, because we needed evidence to show to his ward bishop. We told her (and the guy) ahead of time, that we would go to the bishop if he continued to contact her.

Yes, she believes everything he tells her…or WANTS to believe it because she’s desperate to hold onto him and will do anything to keep him(she so much as said this herself).The other crazy thing about all this is that the other girl who he is dating (while this is all going on) believes this guy does no wrong and won’t listen to what people try and tell her either. My daughter is doing the same thing and believes she can change him. She also told me that this guy thinks he is completely “perfected” and is close to “godhood.” Of course, this is due to his LDS indoctrination his whole life, but still…ughh. But that’s a whole other subject…

 

[Viki63]

One strong example of the pernicious influence of the 50 Shades movies. Impressionable women are getting into deep water because of this. And we haven’t seen the end of it.

I hope you are feeling better, Daniden. and are able to visit with the bishop. LDS people have good morals and the bishop may be able to exert some more positive influence.

.

 

[AClaire11]

Yes, she has many friends who have talked to her about how guys should treat her, chastity, self-worth…all of those things, but not sure how much she takes it to heart. Also, when she gets something set in her mind, she holds onto it, tenaciously. She believes she and this guy have some sort of “bond and chemistry.” She told me that she thinks he may be on the spectrum as well and has adhd…probably some other psych issues (she told me he has asked underaged girls for their nude pics before)…so there’s that. We think he has the potential of being dangerous for her because of the psych issues and because he has already shown signs that he is becoming very possessive. I think she feels like that is a sign of “love” though…kind of like the relationship in “50 Shades…” She even said in one of texts that she and this guy are much like the characters in that movie. She told me she gets an “adrenaline rush” when he texts her.

We have always tried to be compassionate towards her her whole life, but it comes to a point where she just doesn’t truly to want our help (even though she may ask for it sometimes). She’ll act like she’s listening and even agreeing with what we’re saying, but at the end of the day, she does what she wants, so it just gets really tiring for us and we feel like we’re just wasting our time and effort. It’s just getting really, really old. There’s only so much a parent can take, you know?

There is a guy who lives further up our state who she’s been talking to and who likes her, but he’s quite a bit older than she is and they’ve actually never met (he’s a friend of a friend). I really don’t know a lot about him. As I said though, she is so obsessed with this other guy that I don’t know that she’ll want to be in a relationship with other guys.

We found out about the activity and texts because my husband asked her to give him her phone. She did, hesitantly, but let him look, because we needed evidence to show to his ward bishop. We told her (and the guy) ahead of time, that we would go to the bishop if he continued to contact her.

Yes, she believes everything he tells her…or WANTS to believe it because she’s desperate to hold onto him and will do anything to keep him(she so much as said this herself).The other crazy thing about all this is that the other girl who he is dating (while this is all going on) believes this guy does no wrong and won’t listen to what people try and tell her either. My daughter is doing the same thing and believes she can change him. She also told me that this guy thinks he is completely “perfected” and is close to “godhood.” Of course, this is due to his LDS indoctrination his whole life, but still…ughh. But that’s a whole other subject…

This guy sounds like a real piece of work. None of the LDS guys I’ve known would say something like that about themselves except for one really unstable boy. Praying for your family.

 

[SuperLuigi]

If I’m reading this right, in summary,your 25 year old daughter is having sex with a man you don’t approve of.

She doesn’t need your approval for who she dates or who she has sex with. Whilst Catholic parents would prefer their children remain chaste until marriage your daughter isn’t doing anything ‘odd’. She’s just not doing what you want.

My suggestion would be to get used to it. All of your children are going to do things that you don’t like. I don’t understand why you would kick her out over this. Certainly have a ‘no sex in my house’ rule. But if she isn’t doing it at home (and nothing you’ve said suggests she is) then you are over reacting.

I don’t think “getting used to it” is the answer or ever works for parents who care about their kids.

But you are right about one thing: their stuff, their house, their rules.

 

[daniden]

Update: Our daughter decided to meet up with that guy again last week after she got off work (we had told her she could just take the car to work only…and straight back, but she probably got off work early). Brought sleeping bags with her and hid them in the trunk of our car. So, yeah…totally premeditated. They had full-on sex this time. My husband got the truth out of her a few days ago (we assumed something happened as she was washing the sleeping bags earlier that day and I put two and two together). Now, she says they are only staying friends as he wants to stay with the girl he’s dating and claims he wants to stay chaste now. Well, this has been a common theme with him before, so he has no credibility in my mind. To me, he got what he wanted from our daughter and he’s moving on. She says now she wants to stay single for a while, but she changes her mind like the wind changes…not exaggerating. I do also think she wants to leave the window of opportunity open in hopes that this guy will change, he will contact her again, and they can be together. That would be disastrous though. This guy is not stable at all…and neither is she sometimes.

On another note, we are meeting with his bishop this Sunday evening. I don’t know what will come of that, but we’ll see. Hopefully we can at least help spare some other poor girl from the emotional pain that he inflicts. Please continue to pray for us and for our daughter…she is just so weak.