Daughter into some really bad sexual stuff

[SAVINGRACE]

Update: Our daughter decided to meet up with that guy again last week after she got off work (we had told her she could just take the car to work only…and straight back, but she probably got off work early). Brought sleeping bags with her and hid them in the trunk of our car. So, yeah…totally premeditated. They had full-on sex this time. My husband got the truth out of her a few days ago. Now, she says they are only staying friends as he wants to stay with the girl he’s dating and claims he wants to stay chaste now. Well, this has been a common theme with him before, so he has no credibility in my mind. To me, he got what he wanted from our daughter and he’s moving on. She says now she wants to stay single for a while, but she changes her mind like the wind changes…not exaggerating. I do also think she want to leave the window of opportunity to remain open in hopes that this guy will change and they can be together. That would be disastrous though. This guy is not stable at all…and neither is she sometimes.

On another note, we are meeting with his bishop this Sunday evening. I don’t know what will come of that, but we’ll see. Hopefully we can at least help spare some other poor girl from the emotional pain that he inflicts. Please continue to pray for us and for our daughter…she is just so weak.

Take a deep breath, step back and take each day as it comes. It’s a overwhelming and turbulent experience for your entire family. Make sure you keep open communication with your other children, they will be feeling the stress as well even if it’s not openly evident.

Hopefully the LDS bishop will counsel the young man concerned.

Will keep your family in my prayers.

 

[daniden]

Take a deep breath, step back and take each day as it comes. It’s a overwhelming and turbulent experience for your entire family. Make sure you keep open communication with your other children, they will be feeling the stress as well even if it’s not openly evident.

Hopefully the LDS bishop will counsel the young man concerned.

Will keep your family in my prayers.

Yes,it is all very overwhelming. I’m having a very difficult time even speaking to her right now…only have out of necessity. I’ve been there for her her whole life…but I don’t feel like I can be that for her anymore, at this point. She’s been talking more to my husband. I don’t know if I can ever trust her again.

But, yes, the tension in the house is thick right now. I have very open communication with my kids, in general. The little kids don’t really know fully what’s going on, but our other adult kids know and they hate what she’s done.

Thank you for the prayers…

 

[Horton]

Do you have legal guardianship of your daughter? If so, and this continues to be a problem, you may be able to get a No Contact Order from the courts. I imagine this guy just wants a girl who is easy to get to. If you make it difficult with talking to his bishop and possibly a NCO he may give up.

 

[daniden]

Do you have legal guardianship of your daughter? If so, and this continues to be a problem, you may be able to get a No Contact Order from the courts. I imagine this guy just wants a girl who is easy to get to. If you make it difficult with talking to his bishop and possibly a NCO he may give up.

We don’t have legal guardianship. She is not disabled enough for that to happen and I highly doubt she would agree to it. To look at her and even talk to her, you would think she had nothing wrong with her at all and being a girl on the spectrum, they get very good at conforming and mimicking others (her good friends know though). Her autism spectrum disorder is pretty mild and she is very high functioning. Her emotional development is very uneven though…even though she’s almost 25, sometimes the way she talks/acts seems more like 14 or 15. Other times, she’s very adult-like.

We’re just hoping/praying she’s learned something from the experience with this guy and she won’t run back to him if he contacts her at some point. But, that’s iffy.

 

[Elena321]

Update: Our daughter decided to meet up with that guy again last week after she got off work (we had told her she could just take the car to work only…and straight back, but she probably got off work early). Brought sleeping bags with her and hid them in the trunk of our car. So, yeah…totally premeditated. They had full-on sex this time. My husband got the truth out of her a few days ago (we assumed something happened as she was washing the sleeping bags earlier that day and I put two and two together). Now, she says they are only staying friends as he wants to stay with the girl he’s dating and claims he wants to stay chaste now. Well, this has been a common theme with him before, so he has no credibility in my mind. To me, he got what he wanted from our daughter and he’s moving on. She says now she wants to stay single for a while, but she changes her mind like the wind changes…not exaggerating. I do also think she wants to leave the window of opportunity open in hopes that this guy will change, he will contact her again, and they can be together. That would be disastrous though. This guy is not stable at all…and neither is she sometimes.

On another note, we are meeting with his bishop this Sunday evening. I don’t know what will come of that, but we’ll see. Hopefully we can at least help spare some other poor girl from the emotional pain that he inflicts. Please continue to pray for us and for our daughter…she is just so weak.

I hope all goes well with the meeting with his bishop and I am praying for your daughter and your family.
This guy must either be in some type of serious mental confusion himself or have a big ego to have formed the opinion that he has almost reached “Godhood” while he at the same time having a mentality of using your daughter and treating her without love and respect.
You mentioned your daughter being influenced by 50 shades of grey-is she generally easily influenced by other popular media etc?
It’s hard for young adults with full reasoning abilities and emotional maturity to not be attracted excessively by worldly things/mentalities so I imagine it would be even harder for someone with Autism.

 

[daniden]

I hope all goes well with the meeting with his bishop and I am praying for your daughter and your family.
This guy must either be in some type of serious mental confusion himself or have a big ego to have formed the opinion that he has almost reached “Godhood” while he at the same time having a mentality of using your daughter and treating her without love and respect.
You mentioned your daughter being influenced by 50 shades of grey-is she generally easily influenced by other popular media etc?
It’s hard for young adults with full reasoning abilities and emotional maturity to not be attracted excessively by worldly things/mentalities so I imagine it would be even harder for someone with Autism.

The meeting with the bishop went very well. This is a new bishop in this particular ward and so he is just getting to know that young man. He apparently talked to his previous bishop and there have been ongoing, similar issues (not surprising). He knows this guy is also on the autism spectrum (very high functioning, as is our daughter) and so there’s that as well (not acting socially appropriate and such). However, we and this bishop all agreed that there has to be some accountability for his very inappropriate sexual actions. While the bishop said he really didn’t like the texts this guy was sending, he was much more concerned with the fact that he (and our daughter) acted on them in person. He said, obviously, it wasn’t a crime, but in LDS teaching, it is a serious sin, especially for the guy,because he has the “priesthood.” He also apparently had his temple recommend taken away a little while back too…for similar issues. So, yeah…sounds like this is definitely not the first time these kinds of things have happened. Anyway, he was going to be talking to him this week and giving us an update. At the end of the day, I just hope this guy gets some help (and sticks with it)…because he has some serious issues. I also hope our daughter can be strong enough and stay far away from this guy. Time will tell…

 

[casslean]

Yes,it is all very overwhelming. I’m having a very difficult time even speaking to her right now…only have out of necessity. I’ve been there for her her whole life…but I don’t feel like I can be that for her anymore, at this point. She’s been talking more to my husband. I don’t know if I can ever trust her again.

But, yes, the tension in the house is thick right now. I have very open communication with my kids, in general. The little kids don’t really know fully what’s going on, but our other adult kids know and they hate what she’s done.

Thank you for the prayers…

I just wanted to highlight those two passages for you, because I think they are very, very important.

It sounds to me like your daughter is confused right now. She so desperately wants love and acceptance she will seek it even where it isn’t safe or appropriate.

The less she feels loved and accepted at home, the more she will seek it out somewhere else.

You don’t need to talk to her less, you need to talk to her more. Why is she pursuing this relationship when she knows it only leads to pain? Why is she letting this man treat her like an object when she is so much more - what is making her think she is only worthy of that treatment, and not of being fully loved? If she thinks this is “50 Shades”, then come armed to combat that - there are countless GOOD articles describing how the relationship in 50 Shades is abusive. Offer to help her find a counsellor to talk to, if she isn’t comfortable talking to you. Maybe she needs help understanding her own emotions and patterns of behaviours in order to break them.

Most of all - be there and be supportive. Not of her behaviour, but of the girl behind the behaviour. Be sure she knows that, just like God’s love, your love is unconditional.

 

[daniden]

I just wanted to highlight those two passages for you, because I think they are very, very important.

It sounds to me like your daughter is confused right now. She so desperately wants love and acceptance she will seek it even where it isn’t safe or appropriate.

The less she feels loved and accepted at home, the more she will seek it out somewhere else.

You don’t need to talk to her less, you need to talk to her more. Why is she pursuing this relationship when she knows it only leads to pain? Why is she letting this man treat her like an object when she is so much more - what is making her think she is only worthy of that treatment, and not of being fully loved? If she thinks this is “50 Shades”, then come armed to combat that - there are countless GOOD articles describing how the relationship in 50 Shades is abusive. Offer to help her find a counsellor to talk to, if she isn’t comfortable talking to you. Maybe she needs help understanding her own emotions and patterns of behaviours in order to break them.

Most of all - be there and be supportive. Not of her behaviour, but of the girl behind the behaviour. Be sure she knows that, just like God’s love, your love is unconditional.

Up until VERY recently, we have been there for her…in every way possible. We’ve told her and demonstrated to her how loved and valuable she is…but she doesn’t believe it herself. If she doesn’t love or value herself, what more can we do? We’ve talked with her, counseled her (and, yes, showed her the harm of what a “50 shades” relationship can do), gone to psychology appointments with her (she’s had a few different psychs too, over the years and is on an anti-depressant)…but it’s just in one ear and out the other and won’t follow through with what they suggest.

It just gets very tiring after so many years of this. You have no idea. Maybe when things cool down, we’ll talk to her, but for now, it’s just too fresh…and she still continues to do this kind of stuff too. How can we reconcile this? I mean…really? I’ve run out of patience…