Daughter seeks porn addiction help for father

[Nuwer9980]

I would suggest that rather than confronting your father, you could ask him about it. You could say something like, “I know that a lot of people have a problem with sexually explicit materials, and sometimes I have gotten the impression that you might sometimes look at them. You don’t have to explain anything to me, because I love you and respect you, but here are some materials in case you want to look at them, or have any friends whom you think it might help.” The last part allows him to take the materials without implicitly admitting he has a problem.

I don’t think a discussion in any detail would be good, and also you don’t want to give your father the idea that you are judging him or that he has to account to you for his actions. It’s going to be pretty awkward whatever you do, but you want to make sure that you don’t hurt him or show him a lack of respect. I don’t think you should look for proof (which is bound to feel like a betrayal if he finds out). And I strongly advise against or talking to your mother about it (which pretty much would be a betrayal), because it puts you in the middle of their marriage, which isn’t an appropriate place for anyone, even their adult child.

But before you do anything, I would spend a lot of time in prayer, before the Blessed Sacrament if possible, to make sure that you handle this in the manner that God wishes, and so that He will guide your actions. And keep in mind that God may have someone else in mind to talk to your father, and be open to His will even if it is that what you should do is just pray.

God bless you,

–Jen

thank you jen! this is beautiful advice. i love the idea of addressing the issue but not blaming. keep us in your prayers please!

 

[spirit4life]

About 15 years ago(as a teen), I saw my dad viewing pornographic material on the computer. Disgusted and embarassed, I never told anyone and he never knew I caught him. Over the next 10 years I noticed that he had been viewing more inappropriate things in the history on the computer but still never said anything. For the past 5 years, I have seen nothing on his home computer when I use it when visiting so I thought maybe it subsided. The other day, we were checking out something on Netflix using his account and noticed that a recently watched movie was called “Sex Drive”. I looked it up online to see what it was about and was saddened to see it is a rude, crude, sex saturated movie. My father owns his own buisness so I wouldn’t be surprised if he is viewing his porn now at work. I don’t think my mother has any idea about all of this and I feel that I am betraying them both by not saying anything about it. How should I confront the issue? My parents are Catholic (go to church on Sunday kind). Should I talk to my mom first? Go directly to my dad? Please help. I feel the Holy Spirit is calling me to bring this to light. Thanks!

Get him the Purity of Heart DVD and send to him anonymously. ( shop.catholic.com/product.php?productid=178 )

SHAME on all the posters here who say you should do nothing and just sweep it under the rug!

Get him to say a rosary, together with you, and your mom; don’t mention why - just say for spiritual growth and healing; A rosary will do him good.

 

[flyingfish]

This is not about sweeping it under the rug. THIS IS HER FATHER, probably masturbating to possibly creepy porn (sorry, but I had to say it). How uncomfortable would it be for a daughter to talk to her father about something like that. It just sounds very twisted to me, and weird. Doesn’t anyone else get that vibe? Would any women here really talk to their dads about his hidden sexual habits?

 

[Rascalking]

SHAME on all the posters here who say you should do nothing and just sweep it under the rug!

:

Thanks for the concern. I don’t offer shame to anyone who disagrees with me though. I just agree to disagree.

The wonderful benefit on these forums is that you have people who give you different ideas on how to handle situations. I love most people on here because they simply make me think. The challenge me on my views, and I hope I’ve at least made you think.

God bless.

 

[Sirach_43]

I think it would be a huge mistake to confront your father directly. You only have direct knowledge of one particular incident 15 years ago and you suspect further involvement. I;m assuming that he is not an exhibitionist which is a whole set of other issues. Watching a stupid R rated movie (I’m assuming it’s rated R since I don’t think Netflix rents porn) is a long way from being addicted to porn. Seeing the name of the movie was accidental, but seeing further information about the nature of the movie smacks of snooping to me.

To confront him directly would only embarrass him and be an affront to his dignity. Please, for the sake of your relationship with him, don’t let him know you have any knowledge of his actions. We all have things we are ashamed of doing, and there is a good reason why confession can always be done behind a screen.

If you still feel the need to bring up the topic then I would do so in an indirect way. Maybe at your next get together just bring up the general topic, after steering the conversation to an appropriate opening topic, such as the internet or popular media. Avoid any personal accusations. For example, “I recently read a shocking article about how widespread Internet pornography addiction has become. The catholic on-line group I’m a member of even has special forums dedicated to overcoming such addictions because they are so detrimental to family life, etc.” In other words you are offering him some sources of information in case he wants to later do some reading or seek help, but you are NOT asking for a confession. Leave both the conviction of sin and conversion up to the Holy Spirit.

 

[Nuwer9980]

Snooping or not snooping…does it really matter?? I have reason to suspect. I’m not doing this to condemn. I am looking out for his salvation! Anyways, I have brought up the fact that I was bothered that my own husband was doing this sort of thing on a laptop that I had bought him for Father’s Day so I took the gift back because it wasn’t intended to be used in such a way. My dad knows that I don’t approve. I really don’t think this is the sort of problem that goes away on its own. And, I saw many disturbing websites on the history of my dad’s computer for many years until he started deleting the history. This is not the case of seeing something one time 15 years ago, just to clarify.

**Anyways, any thoughts on me writing a letter to him? We don’t have a super close dad to daughter relationship. This might voice my concerns in a sensitive way and not put him on the spot and make him feel obligated to respond to me. Then, he can take it or leave it. I don’t even have to tell him that I have seen anything in particular. Just that I am wondering if there might be a problem and that I am concerned because I love him. **

 

[flyingfish]

Snooping or not snooping…does it really matter?? I have reason to suspect. I’m not doing this to condemn. I am looking out for his salvation! Anyways, I have brought up the fact that I was bothered that my own husband was doing this sort of thing on a laptop that I had bought him for Father’s Day so I took the gift back because it wasn’t intended to be used in such a way. My dad knows that I don’t approve. I really don’t think this is the sort of problem that goes away on its own. And, I saw many disturbing websites on the history of my dad’s computer for many years until he started deleting the history. This is not the case of seeing something one time 15 years ago, just to clarify.

What makes you think it’s a problem that goes away after one’s daughter writes an extremely embarrassing letter? It sounds like you have a gross misconception of your power to affect other people’s behavior.

I’m not a man or a porn addict, but if someone wrote me such a letter I’d be extremely uncomfortable around them afterwards, and would go to great lengths not to interact with that person.

 

[flyingfish]

… If you feel a duty to do something about your dad’s habits, why don’t you buy him a book about chastity without saying how you saw him watch porn and kept track of his internet use history.

 

[Jerok]

You seem to know what you want to do - you want to confront your father directly.

I disagree, you have slim evidence from many years ago. Lines like “My father owns his own business so I wouldn’t be surprised if he is viewing his porn now at work” shows an uncharitable point of view - you are assuming the worst.

However, another line “According to my mother, my dad feels confession is unnecessary.”

This obviously runs deeper than a porn addiction. Is he a practicing Catholic who doesn’t confess and still takes the Eucharist? It’s going to take more than a confrontation with his daughter, which could prove divisive in the family.

My advice would be to possibly talk to your Mom if you think that would be appropriate - talk to her about your father’s faith in the Church, etc, get her to try to bring more holiness into his life. Don’t bring up his issue with porn unless you have a closer relationship than I do with my Mom (lol). This is a situation best solved by his spouse, not his daughter, IMO.

Also, pray a novena for him, say many rosaries for him. Situations like this are difficult to confront directly - Thank God that we have another way of helping people through prayer!

 

[lizaanne]

… If you feel a duty to do something about your dad’s habits, why don’t you buy him a book about chastity without saying how you saw him watch porn and kept track of his internet use history.

Please show me EXACTLY where she said she “keeps track” of his internet use history. Saying she noticed it when using his laptop with his permission is NOT “keeping track”.

A lot of people are making a lot of assumptions here when they don’t know the whole story. But that doesn’t surprise me.

Nuwer - I don’t think a letter is a good idea. If someone were to find it, your mother perhaps, it could be damaging. If this is something you feel that strongly about, and I believe you do, then I think you need to sit him down in private and talk to him about this. This is in NO WAY a disrespect or dishonor of your father. In fact you are doing this from the deepest love and concern for him. He needs to know this. Now - that being said - if it would be easier for you two write the letter and then read it to him face to face so you don’t get tongue tied or loose your nerve, then that can be helpful. I’ve done this myself before when I had something difficult I had to say to someone and didn’t want to mess it up in the heat of the moment. Just make sure you maintain control of the letter and destroy it when you are done.

~Liza

 

[flyingfish]

Please show me EXACTLY where she said she “keeps track” of his internet use history. Saying she noticed it when using his laptop with his permission is NOT “keeping track”.

Why would you browse history on someone else’s computer if not to see what they were looking at? She also said she researched some movie he watched.

Either way, whether she deliberately looked it up or not, what makes anyone think that straight out telling him “dad, I saw all the nasty porn you look at” will make him more likely to stop?

Can you imagine someone saying something like that to you? It’s extremely embarrassing? It’s like someone telling you they’ve been watching you pick your nose or wipe your butt.

How exactly would it be different to just give him a book about chastity without revealing that she’s seen what he looks at?

 

[Nuwer9980]

thanks again liza! great advice. i like the idea of reading the letter because often i am bad with words that are spontaneous. premeditated speech is often best for me! and i understand about the letter falling into the wrong hands. good thinking. thank you.

and once again for the record…if you partially type a web address into the address line it automatically completes previously viewed websites beginning with the same letter. try it. it works! i happened to glance up at it when typin in the adress i was looking for and when you see wesite addresses with vulgar names, you dont have to look to know what they are about.

yes, i DID check out the movie because i thought the name sounded funny. guilty as charged. but my dad was the one who opened the page with me sitting right there:shrug:

 

[whm]

OP, you are right to be concerned about your father. Since your mom stated that he does not believe in going to confession, there is a good chance that he still has a problem with it. I also might be that she caught him and he either stopped or could be covering his tracks. I do think it is good that you take some action here. I also agree with some posters that you need to be respectful and tactful about it. Here are some ideas that I have:

1. Speak to your mom in general terms about how porn is effecting so many men. She what her reaction is. Note, it is more so her responsibility to deal with this than yours. Most wives have some feeling that this stuff is going on when it happens. They are not blind and stupid, although they may be in denial. They notice when dh is on the computer late into the night. The reaction he has when they get up for a drink of water or what not. The change in their affections. They way they look at other women.
2. Also have a similar conversation with your father. If you are not yet married, this may be a very appropriate conversation regardless of what your father has or has not done.
3. Consider giving him a book as a gift (or via your mom). Father Larry Richard’s “Be a Man” deals with purity among a host of other topics. The title can cause a bit of a challenge (and does so on purpose). You may want to say something along the lines that you don’t think he is not a man.
4. Pray for him, fast for him, go to adoration for him.
5. Be an inspiring example to him. Invite him to Mass with you or a prayer/bible group.

Right now I think it is your job to plant the seed. See what happens, see how your parents respond. It may become necessary for direct intervention a little later. If and when you have kids, the whole ball game changes. If you suspect a problem at that time, their safety becomes a factor. You do not want young children to stumble across porn while visiting Grandpa (like you did with your dad). If you have children, talking about internet/tv safety with your parents may be a good way to introduce the subject without a direct confrontation.

Porn is a nasty and terrible sin that hurts many many people. You are right to care enough for your parents to do what you can to help. It is okay to hate the sin, don’t hate the sinner. A lot of men involved in this really do despise themselves for doing it and want to be better. They live is a twisted distorted and self centered reality and need help and encouragement. If he already has or when he does come out of it, beating it is something you can be proud of him for.

 

[revert_jen]

Anyways, any thoughts on me writing a letter to him?

Well, if you write a letter, you can include the materials that you want to share with him and not only that, you can be even more vague than I suggested before. You could just say something about how big the problem is and how great the materials are, and how you wanted to share them, without saying anything about thinking he has a problem. This also makes it not an issue if someone finds the letter. The fact is, I sincerely doubt that talking about anything specific with him would really do any good, and it could permanently damage your relationship. Of course, I don’t know you or your father, so I could certainly be wrong.

BTW, my Bishop wrote a good piece on the issue too:

arlingtondiocese.org/bishop/about_boughtprice.php

Unless you see each other pretty regularly (more than once a month or so), I would think a letter is a good idea. If you’re seeing each other all the time, it would be a bit pointed to send him a letter. Also, you might want to send it to the office so your mother doesn’t ask about it. Basically, the important thing is to give him easy access to the information, not to make accusations or anything. I’d leave that to the Holy Spirit speaking in his heart. But of course, your father is blessed with the gift of free will, so he may not listen to the Holy Spirit, in which case he certainly wouldn’t listen to you. Also there may be a delay between when you give him the information and when he reads it or does anything about it–there’s nothing you can do about that.

One thing, whatever you do about it you have to promise yourself that once you have decided the right thing to do and done it, you will let it go and not keep thinking about it, or wondering what effect it had, or anything like that. You keep praying for your father, of course, but you can just pray for his spiritual well-being generally, rather than praying about a porn problem that he may not have at that point. You will have done all you can, and you will need to trust God for the rest, or you may end up undoing the good you have done.

Regards,

–Jen

 

[BillP]

Newur,

After reading this entire thread, I am very worried that you are in need of some kind of help.

First, you’ve changed your story a couple of times when people have called you on your behavior.

In your very first post you said

Over the next 10 years I noticed that he had been viewing more inappropriate things in the history on the computer

Which implies that you were snooping in the history of your dad’s computer.

When people mentioned that, you modified you claim that you didn’t check the history, it popped up while you were typing in urls

when you type in a web address in the bar, sometimes it will automatically complete the address if you have typed it in before. there were SEVERAL nasty websites.

I’m not sure how capable you are about judging the pornographic state of a website from a fleeting glimpse of the url, but I’ll buy it. Okay, fair enough.

But then you say:

And, I saw many disturbing websites on the history of my dad’s computer for many years until he started deleting the history.

Which shows either that you are snooping through the history of your dad’s computer or that you’re assuming that since the icky websites aren’t showing up, he’s deleting them

Then we’ve got the Netflix issue

The other day, we were checking out something on Netflix using his account and noticed that a recently watched movie was called “Sex Drive”. I looked it up online to see what it was about and was saddened to see it is a rude, crude, sex saturated movie.

I am a bit puzzled by your characterization of this movie as “porn”. The IMDB description of the movie is:

Ian is a high school senior in suburban Chicago, plagued by being a virgin. Online he’s inflated his resume, met Ms. Tasty, and agreed to drive to Knoxville where she promises sex. He steals his homophobic, macho brother’s GTO, and, with his two best friends, Lance and Felicia, heads south. Every young woman who meets Lance, including Felicia, is attracted to him, even though he’s an uncaring hound. Ian, on the other hand, is a decent guy who wouldn’t mind if his friendship with Felicia became a romance. By the time they get to Knoxville, they have encountered a jealous boyfriend, a menacing hitchhiker, jail birds, carjackers, an Amish community, and Ian’s better judgment.

Although the movie was rated R, at stars mainstream actors and actresses. And I must tell you, doesn’t sound like “porn” to me. (it doesn’t sound like a good movie, but it doesn’t sound like porn). In short it isn’t the sort of thing that is any of your business.

You willingness to casually classify websites as “porn” based on their url and your mischaracterization of Sex Drive as porn, leads me to wonder what you consider porn and what exactly your dad was looking at 15 years ago when you caught him:

About 15 years ago(as a teen), I saw my dad viewing pornographic material on the computer. Disgusted and embarassed, I never told anyone and he never knew I caught him.

I also have to tell you that you come across as very self-righteous, even petulant

Snooping or not snooping…does it really matter?? I have reason to suspect.

i just want to help him realize he has a problem.

My father owns his own buisness so I wouldn’t be surprised if he is viewing his porn now at work.

Even the title of your thread:

Daughter seeks porn addiction help for father

Seems like you’ve already leapt to the conclusion that he is “addicted to porn” on extremely flimsey evidence.

I have brought up the fact that I was bothered that my own husband was doing this sort of thing on a laptop that I had bought him for Father’s Day so I took the gift back because it wasn’t intended to be used in such a way.

Really? So you didn’t really give your husband a laptop for Fathers Day. You seem to have loaned him one on condition that he use it exactly as you specify?

As as disinterested, outside observer, I think you may have issues that go beyond your fathers potential porn usage. As I said above, I would encourage you to seek help, before you damage, perhaps irreparably, your relationship with your father.

Good luck and God Bless

 

[lizaanne]

Bill - you clearly have way too much time on your hands. What are you, an investigative reporter or a lawyer or something? The young woman is here asking for help - I am flabbergasted at how people are painting HER as doing something wrong here!!!

This forum never ceases to amaze me sometimes.

~Liza

 

[whm]

For what its worth, I find that people who have beat (or are trying to beat) a porn addiction are not embarrassed to talk about. (just like other addictions, drugs, alcohol etc)

 

[BillP]

Bill - you clearly have way too much time on your hands. What are you, an investigative reporter or a lawyer or something? The young woman is here asking for help - I am flabbergasted at how people are painting HER as doing something wrong here!!!

This forum never ceases to amaze me sometimes.

~Liza

Well it never amazes me either.

I notice that amid your personal attacks on me (unless of course you admire lawyers and investigative reporters) you didn’t actually address any of the points I made…

I wonder why that was?

 

[MtnDwellar]

Is there some information about the morality of viewing porn that the daughter can tell her father that the father does not already know? I doubt it.

Confronting him with the issue does nothing except to create an awkward situation. It is not the daughter’s place to call her father on his possible sins or shortcomings. Those are between him and God.

 

[andyandely1997]

The devil loves to keep sin secrect. Satan has more power over someone when sin is hidden from others. The devil hates to be exposed to the light & truth of Jesus Christ. It might be uncomfortable to address your father with this issue, but if not you, who? Are we not going to say anything because it might upset someone or it is not easy? If we truly love someone, we should desire the person to reach heaven. And ignoring sin is not loving the person. We are not helping the soul of a person reach heaven by keeping silent because it might offend someone. Even though it might be difficult, I believe we have to confront sin, especially if it is with someone we love. The truth is not always easy, but it is necessary at all times, not only when it is convenient.

“And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” (John 8:32)