Daughters friend....advice please

[tortilla5]

My 13 yr old daughter is on a team with a girl. They are not very close but they are friendly. I know from talking to my daughter and some of her other friends that this girl is moving way too fast for her age and earning herself quite a reputation. Today the girl told my daughter about a particular incident. The incident involved her kissing a boy in the boy’s bathroom at school and apparently his hands were in all sorts of places they should not have been.

My question is should I tell the girl’s mother. I don’t know her very well. I have only spoken briefly to her over the years. We have sat near each other at events and made small talk over the years. My daughter also said her mother has no idea and doesn’t even know she is talking to this particular boy. This incident happened during a practice break after school.

My first reaction was to tell her mother. If it were my daughter I would want to know. Should I tell her the details or just that she needs to talk to her daughter? I don’t want her to feel embarrassed or make anything awkward between us or our daughters. I also initially told my daughter we need to limit our contact with this girl. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I want my daughter to seek out friends that would be a positive influence on her and if she made a mistake I would hope that they would not cut off contact with her but rather encourage her to continue on a positive path. The pressures that our children are under these days are shocking but very real. I would like to suggest that it would be a good opportunity for us to get the girls together and talk to them about these kinds of issues and other pressures they will face in the future. They will be entering high school next year.

Does it sound like a good or bad idea to suggest we talk to the girls? I was even thinking that it would be a good opportunity to form a group with several girls on the team and talk about pressures and issues they might face in the coming years. Or should I just briefly tell her and drop it? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

[Saber_Mom]

Oooh - this is hard.

I understand wanting to know if your daughter does this kind of behavior, but I’m not sure if it’s your place to tell this other mother. Not everyone is receptive to hearing about their child’s behavior - especially the kind you’re describing here.

I would worry about the fallout of telling this mother what your daughter told you. Was your daughter the only person this girl confided in? I’d worry that if you said something to this mother, your daughter may become a victim of intense bullying. If I were you, I’d talk with my daughter about self control and self worth and the next time she’s in this situation where someone confides in her, she may have some words of wisdom for her friend.

 

[tortilla5]

Ok good, this is the kind of help I wanted. I am only seeing it from my perspective. I don’t know who else the girl told. But several girls from the team saw her walking out of the boys bathroom which is a huge scandal in itself, I am not worried at all about my daughter being bullied for telling. This just would not turn into one of those situations. The girl may get upset but like I said, they weren’t close to start with. I will consider just having my daughter talk to her.

 

[robwar]

My 13 yr old daughter is on a team with a girl. They are not very close but they are friendly. I know from talking to my daughter and some of her other friends that this girl is moving way too fast for her age and earning herself quite a reputation. Today the girl told my daughter about a particular incident. The incident involved her kissing a boy in the boy’s bathroom at school and apparently his hands were in all sorts of places they should not have been.

My question is should I tell the girl’s mother. I don’t know her very well. I have only spoken briefly to her over the years. We have sat near each other at events and made small talk over the years. My daughter also said her mother has no idea and doesn’t even know she is talking to this particular boy. This incident happened during a practice break after school.

My first reaction was to tell her mother. If it were my daughter I would want to know. Should I tell her the details or just that she needs to talk to her daughter? I don’t want her to feel embarrassed or make anything awkward between us or our daughters. I also initially told my daughter we need to limit our contact with this girl. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I want my daughter to seek out friends that would be a positive influence on her and if she made a mistake I would hope that they would not cut off contact with her but rather encourage her to continue on a positive path. The pressures that our children are under these days are shocking but very real. I would like to suggest that it would be a good opportunity for us to get the girls together and talk to them about these kinds of issues and other pressures they will face in the future. They will be entering high school next year.

Does it sound like a good or bad idea to suggest we talk to the girls? I was even thinking that it would be a good opportunity to form a group with several girls on the team and talk about pressures and issues they might face in the coming years. Or should I just briefly tell her and drop it? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

While it’s tough, I probably wouldn’t approach the other mom. Your daughter is only getting this info from this girl and one doesn’t know if she is bragging or telling the truth. Unless your daughter actually saw the incidences, it becomes gossip and I would think as a mom myself, I wouldn’t want to be approached by another parent telling me that my child told their child something. I am wondering since they are on a sport team together, if the coach has overheard anything and if so, the coach probably should be the person to go to the parent, saying that they have heard their child talking about inappropriate behavior and it is affecting the others on the team. Because if this type of talk is happening at practices, the adult in charge (the coach) should be the one to catch it and stop it as well as approach the other parent. I think if you wanted to approach the coach and say (not mentioning this girl but in general) that there has been talk by some of the girls about their behavior with boys that seems inappropriate can he/she look into it?

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

The way I see it, it is a case of looking out for this girl’s safety, not her reputation. If this same scenerio happens again, there could be a danger of another boy joining in and things getting out of hand. I would tell the mother and tell her you are concerned about the girl’s safety. You both know as women about the dangers of a man getting you alone, pawing you, in a place where only men will be. It may seem like innocent fun to a girl, but things do happen. (There was a news story over that past year in which something did happen to a girl in a rest room.)

I would say something or think I would run the risk of feeling guilty for not doing so. Was going into the boys room the girl’s idea? I don’t think so.

I like the idea of informing the coach, if the boy is on the team or around during practice and games. That way there is direct supervision. If it did not occur during the practice or game or in that area, it is probably not going to do much good. If it occured on school grounds, tell the principle. The boy should not take a girl into the restroom and the school should know it occured. The girl’s name is not necessary. But the boy’s may be. The point it is monitor rest rooms.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

My 13 yr old daughter is on a team with a girl. They are not very close but they are friendly. I know from talking to my daughter and some of her other friends that this girl is moving way too fast for her age and earning herself quite a reputation. Today the girl told my daughter about a particular incident. The incident involved her kissing a boy in the boy’s bathroom at school and apparently his hands were in all sorts of places they should not have been.

My question is should I tell the girl’s mother. I don’t know her very well. I have only spoken briefly to her over the years. We have sat near each other at events and made small talk over the years. My daughter also said her mother has no idea and doesn’t even know she is talking to this particular boy. This incident happened during a practice break after school.

My first reaction was to tell her mother. If it were my daughter I would want to know. Should I tell her the details or just that she needs to talk to her daughter? I don’t want her to feel embarrassed or make anything awkward between us or our daughters. I also initially told my daughter we need to limit our contact with this girl. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I want my daughter to seek out friends that would be a positive influence on her and if she made a mistake I would hope that they would not cut off contact with her but rather encourage her to continue on a positive path. The pressures that our children are under these days are shocking but very real. I would like to suggest that it would be a good opportunity for us to get the girls together and talk to them about these kinds of issues and other pressures they will face in the future. They will be entering high school next year.

Does it sound like a good or bad idea to suggest we talk to the girls? I was even thinking that it would be a good opportunity to form a group with several girls on the team and talk about pressures and issues they might face in the coming years. Or should I just briefly tell her and drop it? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

You said that you aren’t close with this mom? Y’all are just friendly at school functions, right? I doubt that she would really pay attention to you, she might just right it off as you believing rumors or what not. I also don’t think that y’all should talk to the girls together. When I was a teen I wouldn’t be comfortable with another mother talking to me about sex, especially if I’m wasn’t close to that mom. “The talk” is awkward enough, let alone a random mom there too.

 

[robwar]

The way I see it, it is a case of looking out for this girl’s safety, not her reputation. If this same scenerio happens again, there could be a danger of another boy joining in and things getting out of hand. I would tell the mother and tell her you are concerned about the girl’s safety. You both know as women about the dangers of a man getting you alone, pawing you, in a place where only men will be. It may seem like innocent fun to a girl, but things do happen. (There was a news story over that past year in which something did happen to a girl in a rest room.)

I would say something or think I would run the risk of feeling guilty for not doing so. Was going into the boys room the girl’s idea? I don’t think so.

I like the idea of informing the coach, if the boy is on the team or around during practice and games. That way there is direct supervision. If it did not occur during the practice or game or in that area, it is probably not going to do much good. If it occured on school grounds, tell the principle. The boy should not take a girl into the restroom and the school should know it occured. The girl’s name is not necessary. But the boy’s may be. The point it is monitor rest rooms.

The better is also to contact the school because if there is opposite sex going into the other’s bathrooms then the school needs to do some serious hall monitoring. The better is also to encourage the kids if they had witness something like this is not to go around and gossip about it but to go to those at the school and in charge to do something about this. I am against the mom going to the other mom because right now all this is is gossip. Kids can say anything to make themselve look big. Plus groups of kids can say anything about someone else whether it is true or not. The better is also in these types of situations is to have the adults that are closest to the situation to handle it and if there is really a problem go to the parent, not a well meaning mom that has no hard evidence but teenage girl talk.

 

[VivienneJ]

Inform the coach and the school principal (if it happened on school grounds). They need to be aware that girls are going into the boys’ restrooms and take steps to monitor these more carefully. If there are any further incidents, it will be their responsibility to inform the parents of those involved.

 

[Phil_Marinus]

Oooh - this is hard.

I understand wanting to know if your daughter does this kind of behavior, but I’m not sure if it’s your place to tell this other mother. Not everyone is receptive to hearing about their child’s behavior - especially the kind you’re describing here.

I would worry about the fallout of telling this mother what your daughter told you. Was your daughter the only person this girl confided in? I’d worry that if you said something to this mother, your daughter may become a victim of intense bullying. If I were you, I’d talk with my daughter about self control and self worth and the next time she’s in this situation where someone confides in her, she may have some words of wisdom for her friend.

The only thing I myself would add to this, is that most schools now have student counsellors , this is where I would suggest starting,

 

[mountee]

You have a legitimate concern but there is no way of knowing for certain if the facts are straight. A girl in the boys bathroom is a school problem but someone has to be sure before taking it any further. As a retired teacher and someone concerned for this young lady I would urge you to do two things. First, the fact that your daughter is confiding in you is great and you don’t want that to stop. Go back to her and ask her what she thinks you should do and listen to her carefully. Second, if possible, talk with the school counselor so that this young ladies behaviors are monitored at school a little more closely. A girl in the boys bathroom would suggest that they are leaving class and meeting there and that should stop,

 

[HouseArrest]

I vote for calling the school as well. Tell them about the incident and they will do the investigating. If needed, they will call the parent.

As far as contact with this girl - I suppose if your daughter wants to be on the team she is going to have to deal with her.

 

[SpidersfromMars]

The way I see it, it is a case of looking out for this girl’s safety, not her reputation. If this same scenerio happens again, there could be a danger of another boy joining in and things getting out of hand. I would tell the mother and tell her you are concerned about the girl’s safety. You both know as women about the dangers of a man getting you alone, pawing you, in a place where only men will be. It may seem like innocent fun to a girl, but things do happen. (There was a news story over that past year in which something did happen to a girl in a rest room.)
.

I also wonder if the girl has been sexually abused at all - some children who are abused tend to act out and become quite sexually aggressive. Although given that she’s 13 it may just be her trying to grow up too fast…either way, certainly not a good thing

Edit: I would also vote telling the school, because they would have to keep your identity private. They may also have a plan for how to deal with these scenarios.

 

[WiccanWoman]

I also don’t think that y’all should talk to the girls together. When I was a teen I wouldn’t be comfortable with another mother talking to me about sex, especially if I’m wasn’t close to that mom. “The talk” is awkward enough, let alone a random mom there too.

I absolutely disagree. You said you “wouldn’t [have been] comfortable (talking) with another mother…” when you were younger. That is part of the problem in the present day, and it must be addressed. First, there should not be just “the talk” – you know, when the mom is nervous and sweaty and stutters when she talks about “the birds-and-bees, just say no, birth control is out of our hands, you’ll get diseases, here - read this booklet, you can’t use tampons - you’re a virgin, if you have more questions, just pray on it, good girls don’t talk about it!” I know not all women are like this, but many of us are, and that is sad. Such women are the ones who find it difficult or impossible to call their children’s private parts by their proper names (“Eww, honey, no! Don’t touch your pee-pee, that’s bad, it’s dirty!”), who feel “awkward” – and I respectfully suggest that the young daughters of awkward mothers grow up to be equally awkward adult women. There is quite a difference between being licentious and being informative.

There must be an ongoing interaction between us and our daughters, which then morphs as our daughters grow from infancy to their own adulthood. (There is very little more precious to me than hearing my daughter tell her friends “That’s my MOM, and she’s proud to have me as her daughter. I can talk to her about ANYTHING.”)

We, as women of all faiths, must step up to educate, inform and protect the girls to whom we give birth. We must work hard at forming their morals and saving their lives. Sometimes [a] religion or [a] Church is not enough because depending upon the (name removed by moderator)ut of teachers and classes and parishes, mixed messages may be delivered.

This should not be an uncomfortable two-mothers-on-one-daughter high-pressure single session of confrontation, criticism and shame based on possible gossip brought up by a girl who was worried for her friend and did the right thing – she went to her Mom for advice. This should be an “it takes a village to raise a child” group formed by women with women for women, built on compassion, guidance and wisdom: a sisterhood of all females, babies, toddlers, children, teens, young women, middle-aged, elderly… married and single, religious and lay persons. The households of all mothers (especially those who share the same morals, religion, etc.) should be safe-havens, and their daughters should feel secure enough to trust those mothers, to reach-out to them without fear of being criticized, accused and penalized.

There is a modern movement which is called ***The Red Tent ***. The term comes from the places where women in many lands were sequestered during their menstrual periods (and not necessarily based on Anita Diamant’s novel which I doubt most here would enjoy). Although the Red Tent gatherings I have hosted or attended were not based on Christian philosophy specifically, I am emphatic when I suggest that this adaptation can be done, and should be done.

Please, just GOOGLE the term, and browse the internet for such gatherings and what they are abouut, and also for a movie called "The Red Tent - Things We Don’t Talk About" which was made by a friend of mine, Isadora L. I am absolutely not trying to encourage anyone to do anything “un-Christian,” but I am trying to encourage my “sister women” of all religions to use every tool they have at the ready to raise their daughters, their grand-daughters, etc. in the best way possible.

If any of you would like more information about this, please ask. I’d be happy to share.

 

[tortilla5]

Thank you all so much for the responses. They were both at an after school practice and on a break when this happened. I agree that telling the coaches would be the best way to go. I think I will also tell the school counselors also. They are already familiar with this girl.

Regarding my daughters contact with the girl, they only see each other at school and text infrequently. I don’t think I will limit their already minimal contact but I will definitely supervise their contact especially since we are now traveling together as a team for the next few months. Like I said before hopefully my daughter can influence her in a positive way and that is what I hope her friends and parents friends would do if my child ever needed help.

I still might ask about forming a group with some of the girls on the team. Our traveling time would be the perfect opportunity to talk to them. I am only talking about a 30 minute session and they do readings on their own. In our area most of the children I know are in some sort of discussion group either thru their church or formed with close friends, so to suggest something like that would not be seen as odd or strange but rather the norm. I would want to focus more on talking about how respectful boys behave vs disrespectful boys, how to tell if someone really cares for you or not, what are a boys responsibilities towards a girl, how do the girls value themselves and what they feel gives them worth. Most importantly talking with them about how valuable and precious they are to God. Maybe we could just gather the 8th graders and call it a “preparation for high school” group and include other topics like coping with all sorts of negative influences and seeking positive ones.

 

[silver2soul]

Pray for discernment to GOD in the name of his son JESUS on how to handle this situation as it concerns you about the welfare of your child and possible promiscuity. Pray for your daughter and her friends from the enemy and evil influences all in the name of JESUS CHRIST.

Lean not on your own understanding, but on the grace of GOD through his son JESUS.

I feel for you as this is a “rock and a hard place.” Put your trust in GOD for answers to this dilemma.

Praise be to GOD the heavenly father and his son lord JESUS CHRIST forever>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I absolutely disagree. You said you “wouldn’t [have been] comfortable (talking) with another mother…” when you were younger. That is part of the problem in the present day, and it must be addressed. First, there should not be just “the talk” – you know, when the mom is nervous and sweaty and stutters when she talks about “the birds-and-bees, just say no, birth control is out of our hands, you’ll get diseases, here - read this booklet, you can’t use tampons - you’re a virgin, if you have more questions, just pray on it, good girls don’t talk about it!” I know not all women are like this, but many of us are, and that is sad. Such women are the ones who find it difficult or impossible to call their children’s private parts by their proper names (“Eww, honey, no! Don’t touch your pee-pee, that’s bad, it’s dirty!”), who feel “awkward” – and I respectfully suggest that the young daughters of awkward mothers grow up to be equally awkward adult women. There is quite a difference between being licentious and being informative.

We will just have to agree to disagree. I don’t think I ever said that me, my mother, or anyone else didn’t/doesn’t use the proper names for body parts. I never said that my mother did a bad job informing me of the birds and the bees. I feel that each parent has different views on when and what to say and it isn’t another mom’s business. If my mom had another mother sitting there with her, I don’t care how educational that talk would have been, I would have be very uncomfortable. When I have children, if another mother decides that it is time for her to sit my child down and talk about sex, she better just keep it to herself. It isn’t her business. She should be busy raising her kids, not mine.

 

[SuperLuigi]

My 13 yr old daughter is on a team with a girl. They are not very close but they are friendly. I know from talking to my daughter and some of her other friends that this girl is moving way too fast for her age and earning herself quite a reputation. Today the girl told my daughter about a particular incident. The incident involved her kissing a boy in the boy’s bathroom at school and apparently his hands were in all sorts of places they should not have been.

My question is should I tell the girl’s mother. I don’t know her very well. I have only spoken briefly to her over the years. We have sat near each other at events and made small talk over the years. My daughter also said her mother has no idea and doesn’t even know she is talking to this particular boy. This incident happened during a practice break after school.

My first reaction was to tell her mother. If it were my daughter I would want to know. Should I tell her the details or just that she needs to talk to her daughter? I don’t want her to feel embarrassed or make anything awkward between us or our daughters. I also initially told my daughter we need to limit our contact with this girl. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I want my daughter to seek out friends that would be a positive influence on her and if she made a mistake I would hope that they would not cut off contact with her but rather encourage her to continue on a positive path. The pressures that our children are under these days are shocking but very real. I would like to suggest that it would be a good opportunity for us to get the girls together and talk to them about these kinds of issues and other pressures they will face in the future. They will be entering high school next year.

Does it sound like a good or bad idea to suggest we talk to the girls? I was even thinking that it would be a good opportunity to form a group with several girls on the team and talk about pressures and issues they might face in the coming years. Or should I just briefly tell her and drop it? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

I would suggest bringing this to the attention of school officials since it happened on school grounds.

If you’re asking if you have some kind of obligation for this, I would consult your confessor or priest.

 

[tortilla5]

Thank you for all the responses. I reported it to the school. They spoke to the coaches, parents and students involved. It was apparently all over the school, at least with the students that she had been in the bathroom with him. Hopefully they will be more closely monitored or at least the students know now they are been observed.

 

[Tablefor9]

Excellent job, Mama. 23 years ago a fellow band student was raped in the boy’s room of the band building by her boyfriend while her ex stood lookout. They told her she deserved it for being a tease. Nothing was done because she didn’t trust the teachers enough to come forward, and didn’t want to be blamed by her parents.

Perhaps you saved another girl a similar fate.

T

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

I’m so glad you reported it!