Daydreams about affection

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sdeco

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This is going to sound a little strange, but bear with me.

Sometimes I daydream about an attractive man hugging me or putting his arm around me. The fantasies give me a nice, “warm fuzzy” feeling in the pit of my stomach, but they are not sexual per se. I’ve had sexual fantasies (though of course as a Catholic I try not to) and these fantasies are different. Not to be too explicit, but it’s like the feeling is in the pit of my stomach rather than my, um, private area. Does that even make sense? My question is, are these daydreams sinful, since they almost always involve an attractive man? They are never about someone I know personally; it’s either an actor or famous person or just an imaginary person. Any thoughts? Am I just nuts?

For the record, my parents were not terribly affectionate while I was growing up, and while my husband is sometimes affectionate he is not as affectionate as I would like. When I was a kid I would daydream about a woman hugging me or putting her arm around me. I think what I wanted was “mothering,” since my mom wasn’t terribly affectionate. As I moved into my teens the daydreams became almost exclusively about attractive guys. So this has been going on for awhile. It is not an obsession, but rather comes and goes. I go through periods of my life when I do it a lot and periods when I don’t.
 
I understand how you feel. I’m unmarried myself, but I too have innocent daydreams including fictional/imaginary women. In fact, I make it a point that if I’m going to daydream, it’s with/about someone I don’t know or whom doesn’t exist, so as to avoid committing an act of adultery. Some would argue whether it is or is not an act of adultery, as it is said “if you so much as look at a woman with lust in your heart” that you’ve committed adultery with her. Well, these daydreams aren’t necessarily sexually appealing, and they’re not happening in my heart, they’re happening in my head. And they’re involving people that don’t exist.

My opinion is that this is some sort of self-defense mechanism that you and I and others in our situation sometimes create to fill voids or deal with inadequacies. We imagine something we’d like from life, an experience, that we’ve either lacked or have never experienced.

I see a huge difference between sexual fantasies and ones that are created with the intention to feel warmth, and loved, etc. That you see attractive men the way I see my ideal of attractive women, and we’re interacting with them in a way that pleases us socially or personally, and is not necessarily sexual, though may make our bodies feel cherished, is just a sign that our emotions and minds are trying to help us compensate for something we may be lacking.

In your case I worry, since you’ve had a lack of affection and love across the entire board it seems, and I pray for your sake that you’re able to love and be loved in a way that fulfills you. I’d talk to your husband about this. I’d also form a deeper relationship with Jesus, as he is ultimately the one who can fill any void with his perfect love.

God bless.
 
Thank you for posting your feelings. No, you are not strange at all, but completely normal!!! Human beauty is a gift from God; He created us to appreciate physical attributes in the opposite sex. And even if you did get sexually aroused from these thoughts, that would be no sin either (if you acted on those feelings and thoughts, for example, and developed a habit with masturbation, that would be another story).

My advice is to accept your feelings as normal, BUT do your best not to go overboard with them. Remember that your husband comes first in your life and is the most deserving of your time and affection rather than the men in your thoughts. He is your number one priority is terms of your emotional energy and time.

It is important to recognize that as imperfect humans we all have some aspect of our nature that we must battle. This issue that you describe is your battle. I can assure you that you are not alone in it either. Many men and women struggle with this. If you a practicing Catholic, prayer and the sacraments (Eucharist and Penance) can really help.

Furthermore, it is inevitable that our fallen natures will affect our marriages. All marriages have their own troubles. Yours is one that can be worked on and improved with good communication. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your wanting more affection from your husband and he should know this. Have you spoken with him about it in a kind, understanding manner? It might take more than words; you could even show him how you would like to receive more affection by you demonstrating it to him. Do you want him to come up and hug and kiss you spontaneously? Rub your back, stroke your face, run his hands through your hair? Give you nice compliments? Express that he is looking forward to making love later on at night (or whenever…but just expressing that he is interested in being close to you). There is nothing wrong with wanting these things, but some men need more instruction than others in how to do it. If he is commited to you and desires to please you and make you happy, then he will most likely put in the effort to change. But he has to know how you feel and you need to do your part by treating him in the same way and showing him what you want.

Most of all, be patient and loving. Don’t allow this to cause fights, disagreements, or tension. Humans were not given the gift of reading minds, and sometimes we women need to reminded of this! So keep communication strong.

If you see improvements in this area of your marriage, I guarantee that your thoughts of other men will diminish and your husband will have your whole heart. By the way, you can accomplish all of this without telling your husband about the daydreams. That might hurt him and really would have no benefit.

I have a book by Gregory Popcak called “For Better or Worse.” It has very good insights in it.

I sincerely hope this provides a bit of help. Take care and God Bless you.
 
I forgot to mention that you might want to consider counseling or therapy to discuss the lack of affection from your parents during your upbringing and how it has impacted you in adulthood.

Do you have a priest whom you trust? You could talk to him personally if you have that kind of pastoral relationship with him. If not, seek out a good therapist with whom you can sort out these issues. You might need only a few sessions, not years.

There is a website about Catholic therapists. You can probably find it if you google it. I would highly recommend this.
 
sdeco said:
Sometimes I daydream about an attractive man hugging me or putting his arm around me.

…and while my husband is sometimes affectionate he is not as affectionate as I would like.
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This sounds **pretty dangerous **to me. The more you day dream about that fictitious “attracive man” the more deficiencies you will begin to discover in your husband and you’ll slowly begin to dislike him for you’ll love the “touch” of this other imaginary man. It will not help your relationship and your marriage will suffer. Be warned.

If you find your husband to be less affectionate, try to find out the reason behind it. Could it be that you yourself don’t allow him to be so affectionate? I’m just speculating, but sometimes it’s very easy to think about what you want from others, without realizing that you yourself could be blocking them from doing it. And does Christ not say, “And as you wish that men would do to you, do so to them.” ? (Luke 6:31)

So if you want your husband to be more affectionate, it should start with you. Be more affectionate to him and he’ll do the same! 👍 Don’t try to find an escape route via this imaginary man.
 
sdeco,

May I recommend developing a relationship with Our Lady? I find that, when I need a hug, if I ask her to put me under her mantle, I get that hugged feeling. She is our perfect mother, after all.

And there’s nothing wrong with telling your husband, “I need a hug!” Or asking him if he’d like one!

Ruthie
 
sdeco,
Have our responses helped you? Not at all…a little…a lot?? It’s ok, you can be honest…no hurt feelings here! By the way, you will probably get more responses if you post this over in Family Life.

Take care!🙂
 
Yes, your responses helped quite a bit! Thanks. It’s nice to know other people struggle with similar things and that I’m not that strange.
 
sdeco,
I am sensing that you are in need of more reaffirmation of affection. My take is that you have a lot of self respect and just need some comforting now and then. One of the best ways to get what one wants is to give another the thing you would like to get back.

Why not instead of internalizing these thoughts the next time it starts to happen walk up to your husband and spontaneously hug him. He will probably smile, or he might get annoyed if it takes him by surprise but try it and see what happens. If he says “what was that all about” use that as an opportunity to explain to him that you would like more expression of your mutual affections in your marriage and you were just setting the example.

If all that fails - buy a cute puppy. 😉

James
 
I have wrestled with this temptation before. My answer to myself has always been, “I would not want my husband to fantasize about other women, therefore I may not fantasize about other men.” I believe that non-sexual romantic fantasies are sinful, because they amount to emotional infidelity.
 
CentralFLJames said:
sdeco,
I am sensing that you are in need of more reaffirmation of affection. My take is that you have a lot of self respect and just need some comforting now and then. One of the best ways to get what one wants is to give another the thing you would like to get back.

Why not instead of internalizing these thoughts the next time it starts to happen walk up to your husband and spontaneously hug him. He will probably smile, or he might get annoyed if it takes him by surprise but try it and see what happens. If he says “what was that all about” use that as an opportunity to explain to him that you would like more expression of your mutual affections in your marriage and you were just setting the example.

If all that fails - buy a cute puppy. 😉

James
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In light of this very good post, may I also suggest two books for the OP by Catholic doctor Conrad W. Baars:
  1. Born Only Once: The Miracle of Affirmation
  2. Healing the Unaffirmed: Recognizing Emotional Deprivation Disorder.
Even if one doesn’t read them in their entirety, I highly suggest learning about them at amazon.com. They helped me understand quite a bit about myself.

I think the other posts have been insightful as well.
 
surf(name removed by moderator)ure, the fantasies are not even “romantic” per se - that is, I don’t imagine that I’m on a date or in a romantic situation. (Though I have done this in the past and didn’t feel right about it). It’s more like, say, being rescued from a dangerous situation and having someone comfort me, or something like that. It would be a situation in which one would comfort someone for whom one has no romantic feelings. It’s hard to explain. I’m not sure if that makes it OK.

Joya, thanks for the book recommendations. I also have a very hard time expressing my emotions, even though I’m very sensitive and feel emotions very strongly. My husband often says that I “don’t get angry,” that I “don’t get excited,” and that it’s hard to tell what I’m feeling. I can feel very hurt about something he said and he wouldn’t even know it. I’m wondering, is trouble expressing emotion part of Emotional Deprivation Disorder? The problem is not feeling the emotions – I have very strong emotions. The problem is expressing them. For some reason other people don’t know what I’m feeling, even my husband. A former boyfriend told me that I seem “blasé” about most things and that surprised me.
 
I don’t know if that’s licit or not, but if it’s about comfort, would it work just as well to think of a maternal figure? I’ve often envisioned the Blessed Mother comforting me during unstable times. Or my grandmother, even.
 
sdeco said:
surf(name removed by moderator)ure, the fantasies are not even “romantic” per se - that is, I don’t imagine that I’m on a date or in a romantic situation. (Though I have done this in the past and didn’t feel right about it). It’s more like, say, being rescued from a dangerous situation and having someone comfort me, or something like that. It would be a situation in which one would comfort someone for whom one has no romantic feelings. It’s hard to explain. I’m not sure if that makes it OK.

Joya, thanks for the book recommendations. I also have a very hard time expressing my emotions, even though I’m very sensitive and feel emotions very strongly. My husband often says that I “don’t get angry,” that I “don’t get excited,” and that it’s hard to tell what I’m feeling. I can feel very hurt about something he said and he wouldn’t even know it. I’m wondering, is trouble expressing emotion part of Emotional Deprivation Disorder? The problem is not feeling the emotions – I have very strong emotions. The problem is expressing them. For some reason other people don’t know what I’m feeling, even my husband. A former boyfriend told me that I seem “blasé” about most things and that surprised me.
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sdeco, I would not over think this. I don’t really think you have real problem here. There is nothing really wrong with internalizing your feelings - we all have unique personalities and who is to really say that a lot of external expression, what some would call “wearing one’s heart on one’s sleeve”, is objectively better? You are you and you are entitled to express yourself and reveal yourself to others in the ways that you are most comfortable with. You are certainly entitled to your private thoughts as long as they are not done to isolate others from you. Apparently too your husband thought you were just fine the way you were when he married you and is not really complaining. Is he?

It sounds like you are just reawakening to the notion that maybe you want to change how you used to express yourself. It sounds like you are very self-reflective. A lot of people are not even conscious that they are fantasizing sometimes - you are. This suggests to me that you (perhaps by God’s grace) are trying to determine if its time to externalize some of what you have previously been internalizing.

In a subtle way this is all related to communication skills and style. As long as couples are compatable with the other’s communication style why worry? Many couples can learn to “read” their spouses like a book from body language and by expressions and don’t even need a lot of verbal communication. Some on the other hand are clueless and need verbal ques or externalized hints. It sounds to me more like you are just engaging in some harmless “warm and fuzzy” sort of thoughts and are not really going down an illicit path here. We all have inner private thoughts that we use to comfort ourselves. I’d suggest you experiment and see if you can externalize some of this so your husband can pick up on when you are in the mood for “comfort” and see if you let him participate in the traditional role of protector that you seem to be wanting. Again spontaneous hugs and placing one’s hands on their partners shoulders works wonders and provokes reciprocal actions.

If you are worried that the thoughts could lead to improper fantasies that are sinful try to modify the mental script and see if you can remake the imagery into an inanimate setting instead of a person - perhaps the comforts of a cozy cabin with a crackling fireplace, a glass of warm cognac and peaceful solitude while the rain is beating down loudly but harmlessly on the tin roof. That’s one of my favorites… 😉

James
 
Suggesting counselling and therapy for people who ‘may not have received much affection’ in their childhood may not be a great idea =S. It starts to get people thinking “oh no I’m not normal”.

Anyways, my view is, that you are completely normal, and this happens to everyone. We all have our self-defense mechanisms and we all use them, whether they are the same or different. But remember not to go overboard, if your husband is not as affectionate as you would like him to be, why not entice him 😉

Cheers
 
This is like me but I tend to think about other couples hugging and kissing. I just do it because I’m lonely though. It’s pretty wrong I guess, especially as it’s hard to stop it from going to far but I can hardly help it.:o
 
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