Deacon Father gives bad advice

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BAM123

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I am having some problems with my dad, he is going through the deacon program. My husband and I have had a problem with my sister and her husband in Mid-January, it has affected everyone in the family and my parents have placed some blame on me. Recently they suggested that some of the issues could have been avoided if I “discerned” what I tell my husband. They used two specific examples that would cause me to explicitly lie to my husband. One which happened 4 years ago when my dad spanked my oldest child, I was upset about and obviously told my husband about. He suggested that it hurt his feelings I told him and that I could have kept that from him. The other is an incident that happened with my Brother in Law in which he treated me badly and caused me to have to get a bus back home vs riding back with them-my parents suggested I should have lied or told a partial truth about why I rode back on the bus. In order to cover up for my brother in law’s bad behavior. My dilema is my husband feels that this is a big problem for a man going through deacon training and I don’t know what is the best way to handle it. There are many other problems with my dad but this is the most recent.
 
Prayer and self-denial (fasting) are the best options here. I don’t think you have a responsibility to oversee his behavior. And it seems from what you are saying that a nice talk with him is not likely to help. Forgive and forbear, but also pray for his continual improvement in spirituality.
 
BAM123 said:
My dilema is my husband feels that this is a big problem for a man going through deacon training and I don’t know what is the best way to handle it.
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If it were me, I’d put my focus on my relationship with my spouse and children and spend (very much) less time and energy on the relatives who bring problems into my life.
 
Wow, your father spanked your son and he thinks you should not have informed your husband? And your brother-in-law was the cause of you not riding back home with your family and taking a bus instead and you should not have told your husband? I can’t say what, if anything, you should do with respect to your father’s deaconate training. I will say that you should inform your father in no uncertain terms, that your husband is the most important person in your life and vice versa, and you would never keep those types of situations from your husband, no discernment is needed. Spouses come first. Spouses are there to support each other. The two of you are one, and will behave as such towards the extended family.
 
I will say that you should inform your father in no uncertain terms, that your husband is the most important person in your life and vice versa, and you would never keep those types of situations from your husband, no discernment is needed. Spouses come first. Spouses are there to support each other. The two of you are one, and will behave as such towards the extended family.
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And if your father in any way, shape, or form is involved in marriage prep, he’d better learn this right away or he will be causing a lot of strife in many young marriages.
 
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There’s a possibility that the Deacon Dad will give better advice for situations that he isn’t personally involved in.

Yes, your dad is out of line telling you to hide things from your husband, but at the same time, you can’t change him. It sounds like you need a bit more space with your family of origin.
 
BAM123 said:
One which happened 4 years ago when my dad spanked my oldest child, I was upset about and obviously told my husband about. He suggested that it hurt his feelings I told him and that I could have kept that from him.
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Is this in the US?

Considering that the importance of training regarding child abuse, this behavior should be reported to the diaconate formation program. Based on the above (ESPECIALLY the part about covering up the truth) , either he needs massive retraining and/or should not be ordained.
 
I was under the impression a deacon should give the same advice to everyone, not pick and choose. He should pray for discernment whenever giving advice.
 
It sounds as though you father is creating a wedge between your husband and yourself. As a deacon in training and having assisted with marriage preparation classes, his actions represent selfish motivations. He should never insist that you lie or withhold the truth from your husband as that will create problems. Insisting that you do is the complete opposite of the teaching of our Catholic faith. Not sure if he is really to become a deacon. He definately sounds like he can’t be trusted around children. I hope for our faith that he reconsiders his vocation.
 
Jabcat said:
I was under the impression a deacon should give the same advice to everyone, not pick and choose. He should pray for discernment whenever giving advice.
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I’m giving him a little slack for the fact that you can’t really be objective about your own family.

And that’s why doctors and psychologists don’t treat their own family members…

But yes, his behavior sounds generally poor and ill-advised.
 
Sounds like your dad is human. And he is discerning for the deaconate and not Messiah, no?

Let go, and let God.

Pray with and for all your family.

Pax et bonum.
 
We must all pray for him, but any ethical catholic cannot accept any deacon that encourages lying. Our very own Catholic Church has lived the consequences of withholding the truth. Anyone that believes lying is better than the truth needs to really discern his vocation. So yes pray for peace in the family, but as a Catholic you cannot turn a blind eye to behavior that could cause the church and it’s flock harm. Nobody is perfect, but not everyone is fit for a vocation.
 
I think this whole tread is really about ethics. Is it ethical for a deacon to use his position in the church to negatively influence someone? What if this breaks up a family or drives someone away from Jesus?

We must be vigilant Catholics and be weary of those that deceive and wish to gain authority in our Church.
 
Jabcat said:
I think this whole tread is really about ethics. Is it ethical for a deacon to use his position in the church to negatively influence someone? What if this breaks up a family or drives someone away from Jesus?

We must be vigilant Catholics and be weary of those that deceive and wish to gain authority in our Church.
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First, he is not a deacon yet, he in formation.

Secondly, there is no evidence that his goal is to “deceive” as part of some kind of evil ambition to “gain authority in our Church”.

He’s a sinner…like me, and like you.

If perfection were required, and the fallen nature of man not considered, St. Matthew the despicable tax collector would,d not have been worthy to be called as an Apostle, nor would have St. Paul, and Mary Magdalene would not have been worthy of being a disciple.

I am thankful God accepts me despite my faults and mistakes, and offers me the grace of salvation anyway!

Pax st bonum!
 
Very good response. Everyone is a sinner and it is only by our faith and actions towards becoming one with Jesus we may receive his mercy and grace to change.

However, we must not forget that the formation process is designed to help the church and community discern which members are really being called to be ordrained. The ordained have a tremendous responsibility and priviledge to serve, this is not a right of every member of our church. Any deacon knows that lying about abuse of children is unacceptable in any form, and should reconsider his formation if he feels that it is.

God does accept us for who we are, and every saint has his past. This type of thinking will get our church into trouble if a misguided individual leads people down wrong paths.

Your fervor for our faith is commendable, and you should seek out more knowledge and understanding on our formation process.
 
I can’t believe that anyone is sticking up for a man who spanked his grandson, wanted it kept from the child’s father, and seems to be telling family members to lie about things that could embarrass him, is even being considered for a place of church leadership. Yes, we’re all sinners; yes, leaders are going to make mistakes; but this man seems to have his eye on being a leader, a deacon, and wants his family to lie to make him look good. For the second time(the first concerning an entirely different subject), I almost wish that these forums weren’t anonymous!
The pastor of this parish needs to be told about this man, and, if he ignores it, the bishop, too. Setting such a man in authority over anyone is downright cruel…to himself, to those he will be counseling and leading, and to children…does he expect to be allowed to spank children, and keep their parents in the dark, or have them lie for him? He has something else coming, I hope. If he somehow manages to get ordained, I feel sorry for the whole parish.
 
You have family trouble. Your dad spanks your kid? No bueno.

You get in fights with your brother-in-law to the point he puts you out of the car and you have to take a bus? You just found out he was the kind of person who would do this sort of thing? Poor judgement on your part. Don’t put yourself in that kind of situation where you have to rely on him for anything.

I would say be cordial to your family of origin. Set boundaries. Don’t be vulnerable or allow your kids vulnerability around them. Focus instead on your own family (husband and kids).

You can’t fix your family. Don’t even try. Quit fighting with them. It is dysfunctional.
 
QwertyGirl said:
You can’t fix your family. Don’t even try. Quit fighting with them. It is dysfunctional.
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And unfortunately, that may mean not sticking out your neck with regard to your dad’s fitness as a diaconate candidate.
 
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