Deacon Father gives bad advice

  • Thread starter Thread starter BAM123
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Xantippe said:
I think you and your family need some space from your wife’s family, and it may be necessary to put some physical distance between you. Even an extra hundred miles might give you some much needed privacy and independence.
Click to expand...
Tough advice, but most likely spot on.
 
tafan2 said:
Tough advice, but most likely spot on.
Click to expand...
Another thing–don’t feel like you need to fight them.

Just don’t be there. See them less, talk to them less, be further away. Figure out what the sweet spot is for seeing them. Also, it really doesn’t really matter what you do, as long as husband and wife agree and are following the same game plan.
 
We had some really difficult in-law stuff early on and we didn’t handle it perfectly, but the important thing was that we as husband and wife agreed 100% about how we should deal with it.

So, despite some pretty terrible stuff, we never fought about it. That’s a bit of a miracle in retrospect, but it helps a lot to have some space. We didn’t have to deal with them all the time, so the issue didn’t take over our lives.
 
Xantippe said:
Tough advice, but most likely spot on.

Another thing–don’t feel like you need to fight them.

Just don’t be there. See them less, talk to them less, be further away. Figure out what the sweet spot is for seeing them. Also, it really doesn’t really matter what you do, as long as husband and wife agree and are following the same game plan.
Click to expand...
I couldn´t like this more. Hubby and me are far away from facing what the OP needs to face with the family, but our in-law troubles are simply not existent anymore after moving away. It helps a lot to be able to set fixed dates for visits and to decide what you share of your family life and what not.
 
Xantippe said:
We had some really difficult in-law stuff early on and we didn’t handle it perfectly, but the important thing was that we as husband and wife agreed 100% about how we should deal with it.
Click to expand...
Jabcat and OP, this is important, as this thread has shown that your kids’ physical safety is part of this. I agree that you need to put space between you and the in-laws (whether it be a geographical relocation or simply limiting contact to phone, email, or text). Jabcat, the advice that your family gave you regarding letting your wife handle her family does not work when it has escalated to physical abuse against a small child, and OP, when your husband is trying to legally protect you and the children, YOU NEED TO BACK HIM UP; if it means taking sides against your parents when they are clearly wrong, then so be it. If there is another criminal act, do not be afraid to report it, as this will establish a record; I would just caution that you have sufficient witnesses to back you up.
 
Last edited:
Jabcat said:
Sadly this is happening in the US. We all live close to Houston.
Click to expand...
Maybe someone that works for the Houston archdiocese (or another neighboring diocese) is reading this forum and will see this post and begin their own internal investigation into their candidates for the permanent diaconate.
 
Norseman82 said:
I would just caution that you have sufficient witnesses to back you up.
Click to expand...
Isn’t it kind of the nature of the beast that there wouldn’t be?

If the OP and husband follow everybody’s advice and put some space between them and the extended family and make sure never to leave the children alone with them, there won’t be any repeat offences.
 
Xantippe said:
If the OP and husband follow everybody’s advice and put some space between them and the extended family and make sure never to leave the children alone with them, there won’t be any repeat offences.
Click to expand...
I would like to think so, but let’s face facts with manipulative, abusive people. If you look at the example of people who ignore orders of protection and still hurt their victims, you will see why I believe that Jabcat and the OP still need a “fallback” plan in case putting distance does not work (for example, the in-laws may actually follow them and drop in on them unannounced, if not try to prevent them from moving in the first place).

Jabcat, do you have your own family (especially brothers or other male relatives) in the area that you can rely on for backup (even if it is just taking their cell phone and recording any physical confrontation they may try to initiate)? Also, do a threat assessment:
  1. Do your in-laws have weapons, and if so, do they “pack”?
  2. Is anyone in your wife’s family and LEO or close friends with one? Alternatively, is anyone in your family an LEO or have close contact with one?
  3. Who can bench more, you or your FIL or BIL? Do they have any boxing, MMA, or other martial arts training? In short, if they initiate a physical confrontation, could you defend yourself and your wife? This may come into play if you need to video record any physical confrontation they try to initiate.
 
You contact the Director of Deacon Formation at the Diocese and schedule a sit down meeting this week. It is that black and white.
 
We appreciate everyone’s advice, and are very thankful that a forum like this exists to help us to find the best path to resolve some of the obstacles we are facing. We were fortunate enough to be able to participate in a Together in Holiness Conference, which if you are able to attend, I highly recommend it. We even had a chance to listen to Fr. Mitch Pacwa’s stance on marriage. Our main reason to attend was to try to make some sense out of the recent events we have been faced with and it put into perspective what a holy marriage is about, which we found out is all about helping your spouse get to heaven, which in my opinion cannot be by lying or withholding information from each other.

On Friday my SIL approached my inlaws, questioning their judgement on telling my wife to lie and withhold information. They stuck to their guns and restated that they do not know why both my SIL and wife must tell their husbands everything. They even said my wife was a bad daughter for not following their advice.

We still have not confronted them as we are still trying to determine if and what is the best path forward. It seems that whatever path we take, it will be destructive and will hurt the family in some way.

As far as the question on weapons I know dear BIL packs but not sure about FIL

And the beching question I could probably bench more before, but I was in a car accident 3 months ago, which messed up my back and am still recovering. Not a personal fan of violence. I hope we can find a peaceful resolution to everything.
 
This guy abuses kids then tries to cover it up. Sound like a good candidate for ordination? I would contact the diaconate office in your diocese. One thing we’ve learned over the last 20 years is that preventing child abuse in our parishes is all of our responsibility.

Also, you and your wife need to establish firm boundaries around your family. It is your duty to protect your family.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top