Dead marriage

[Nordar]

When you are suffering from depression your moods don’t swing back and forth from one min to the next! Depression is totally overpowering and you just can’t be in a good mood all of a sudden! I agree with aboverubies, I think Mary your husband is playing very cruel manipulative games with you. You really need to take care of yourself and your son, the games will not stop untill you stop allowing him to play them. You are in my prayers!

 

[aboverubies]

I would go so far as to describe Mr Mack’s behaviour as emotional abuse. It is just as unacceptable as physical or sexual abuse and the Church does not expect a spouse to put up with it.

 

[Lamb_Serenade]

Mary,

When your post on this thread came to the front today I clicked on it and read it. Then I went back and found the other threads you started and read through those threads.

While our situations are different, what our husbands are doing to us are very similar. My husband is an alcoholic having an affair with booze. He often treats me like a roommate instead of his wife, or a piece of furniture in the room he has to step around. When he starts being nice to me it means he “wants” something.

He has been in individual counseling for nine months and quit going because he wasn’t making any headway (I agree with this decision), and I’ve gone to five sessions myself with no progress myself. The best counsel I’ve had is with my priest. If there is a priest in a neighboring community you can go to for confession, and you like him, set up an appointment to visit with him about your situation. (Maybe the priest at the parish you are currently attending?).

My husbands way of communicating with me has been e-mail. Several weeks ago he e-mailed me telling me I needed to decide what I wanted in our marriage, what will make me happy, what my needs are, and suggested I think about what my perfect spouse would be. I really took this suggestion to heart and took three days to ponder & pray. I journaled and got my thoughts in order so we could sit face to face and share. I made babysitting arrangements for our DD, and we went out to dinner. I shared my thoughts and feelings. I even shared the things I know I need to improve and change in myself. He listened and offered little (name removed by moderator)ut. Of course, #1-quit drinking, and #2 no more lies. He took a day off and then started sneaking and hiding it from me. Now if I ask him if he’s drinking he refuses to answer me, that way he doesn’t have to lie about it.

This weekend he got absolutely plowed, and yesterday I decided to move out of our bedroom. Today I am living my life “around” him. I do what I need to do around the house, take care of our DD & stay out of his way. In the past HE has been the one to stay away from our bed. He would isolate himself, leave the house over night, sleep in our camper which is parked in winter storage & get himself drunk out of his mind without me to witness it.

I decided it was time for me to take control of my life now. He asked me today if I was going to come back to the bedroom & I told him no. He asked why. I told him because I’m mad & because he isn’t making any effort to change. I told him as well it is to make a point & left for him to make up his own mind what that means. I’ve talked myself blue in the face. I’ve been everything from patient & loving to angry & forceful. Nothing has worked. Most of my efforts have been in the patient & loving way with angry & forceful in the past 30 days trying to get some sort of action from him. Almost a year ago he was arrested on DUI charges. Since then it’s like we have been floating in a leaky boat with no paddle in the middle of a stormy ocean. The years leading up to his arrest saw the drinking get progressively worse. He has childhood issues and suffers from PTSD (he is a cop) all of which he has carried throughout our 27 year marriage. He has been selfish, self centered and self deprecating and unwilling to empathize or understand me.

So I decided to officially take my life back. I will do everything I have to in order to keep our DD shielded from her daddy’s drinking. We will keep busy doing fun things and when hubby is sober, he can be with her. My priest agreed to be my spiritual director, and I’m in the process of strengthening my faith so I can deal with the possibility of a longterm in house separation and so I can be the best mommy I can be for my DD. I need it selfishly for me as well.

I believe my marriage can be salvaged, but right now we need this separation so he can decide what he needs to do to get us back on track. I won’t do a literal separation by leaving or asking him to leave for numerous reasons. 1. I’m not working, 2. Housing in our community is nearly non-existent, 3. My husband IS an active alcoholic and I would never be able to trust him to either be sober when he visited her, or stay sober once he had her. Staying here gives me a little more control over things not to mention the whole financial aspect of one of us moving out. My hope is that by making my stand, and by stopping my angry, hurt responses and just let him see that the ball is in his court now, he will make some good decision so we can get our marriage on track. My most fervent prayer is the first thing he does is to quit having his affair with the bottle, and quit drinking for good.

My prayer for me is for wisdom. I offer the same prayer for you.

 

[Teelynn]

When you are suffering from depression your moods don’t swing back and forth from one min to the next! Depression is totally overpowering and you just can’t be in a good mood all of a sudden! I agree with aboverubies, I think Mary your husband is playing very cruel manipulative games with you. You really need to take care of yourself and your son, the games will not stop untill you stop allowing him to play them. You are in my prayers!

Very true that Mary needs to take care of herself and son, and make that a priority, however, bipolar depression is exactly what she is describing. Bipolar depression is a drastic swing of emotions from very high to very low. Clinical depression is nothing like Bipolar.

 

[Nordar]

Very true that Mary needs to take care of herself and son, and make that a priority, however, bipolar depression is exactly what she is describing. Bipolar depression is a drastic swing of emotions from very high to very low. Clinical depression is nothing like Bipolar.

I have a son who is Bi Polar, yes their emotions do swing but not from one moment to the next. If they are manic they are manic, it is full blown mania. If they are in the depressed stage it is full blown depression. Believe me I have lived with Bi Polar for a long long time. Whatever stage they are in it is all consuming they do not swing from one moment to the next. And no she is not describing Bi Polar behaviour.

 

[BeeSweet]

I have a son who is Bi Polar, yes their emotions do swing but not from one moment to the next. If they are manic they are manic, it is full blown mania. If they are in the depressed stage it is full blown depression. Believe me I have lived with Bi Polar for a long long time. Whatever stage they are in it is all consuming they do not swing from one moment to the next. And no she is not describing Bi Polar behaviour.

Actually, there is a state of bipolar where some suffer from “rapid cycling”. During rapid cycling, there is not the distinct stages that typify the disease. More women than men suffer from rapid cycling though.

Source

My sister in law suffers from rapid cycling. She’s practically impossible to treat.

 

[avonlise]

PRAYER TO ST. MONICA

Dear St. Monica,
troubled wife and mother,
many sorrows pierced your heart during your lifetime.
Yet, you never despaired or lost faith.
With confidence, persistence, and profound faith,
you prayed daily for the conversion
of your beloved husband, Patricius,
and your beloved son, Augustine;
your prayers were answered.
Grant Mary that same fortitude, patience,
and trust in the Lord.
Intercede for Mary, dear St. Monica,
that God may favorably hear her plea for

her husband

and grant Mary the grace to accept His Will in all things,
through Jesus Christ, our Lord,
in the unity of the Holy Spirit,
one God, forever and ever.

Amen.

 

[Nordar]

Actually, there is a state of bipolar where some suffer from “rapid cycling”. During rapid cycling, there is not the distinct stages that typify the disease. More women than men suffer from rapid cycling though.

Source

My sister in law suffers from rapid cycling. She’s practically impossible to treat.

Yes I know about rapid cycling, your sister in law should get in touch with NDMDA. She can be treated it is just a matter of finding out which cocktails will help her. She may have to be hospitilized untill they can find which combination of meds will help.

My son also suffers from rapid cycling at times, at others he can be very manic for a long period or depressed for a long period. If he is on his meds and they are working, (They do at times have to be adjusted) then he can be pretty stable. However Mary’s husband 's behaviour is not representative of BiPolar, which is what I was saying. He sounds very mentally abusive and manipulative. Sorry about your sister in law, it is such a horrible illness!