Dealing w/ impurity

[KingAlfred]

Joe I have to disagree with you about the seriousness of pornography. Perhaps I’ve misunderstood you, but it seems you equate pornography with other sin. I do not feel that all sin is equal, do you?

Viewing pornography for pleasure, release or distraction is a grave sin, a mortal sin. The reason is that it objectifies women and men and turns them into commodities, things, unspiritual flesh. It teaches that men and women are beasts to be consumed.

The effect of pornography is not merely physical. It does not leave the emotions unscathed.

Pornography steals away the intimacy from a marriage. It steals the trust, the kindness, the gentleness, the respect, the honesty. It utterly undermines the sacrament.

Pornography steals a husband from his wife and a wife from her husband. Takes his spirit and twists it into to flesh, damages it, tears a great hole of weakness into it, strengthens the lie that a man needs ‘release’ to such a degree that he must seek it out urgently.

I hope this is clear to you - there is no way to minimise the seriousness of even a fleeting attraction to pornography, let alone an addiction. It is a straight and wide downhill road to hell.

To entertain possible reasons for view pornography is simply a further distraction by the devil. There are no reasons for viewing pornography other than that the viewer has failed to overcome a grave temptation which Satan has laid before him (or her).

No offense, but this is a very severe judgment. Porn is just a means to arouse oneself sexually. It’s a device, a tool, a method. Like anything else, it’s subject to abuse. I don’t consider it a ‘mortal’ sin. My gosh…we live in a world replete with mass murder, wars of aggression, famine, grinding poverty and environmental destruction. I’m more worried about that than porn.

 

[griffibo]

I appreciate what you are saying, and I agree there is more than one way to sin!

However pornography is not just a way to arouse oneself sexually. Even if that is the viewer’s initial purpose, it is not simply a tool. Have you ever seen any pornography? It is one of the finest examples of man’s ability to distort God’s purpose in regard to the dignity of humans and the act of loving union, and beyond that in my opinion pornography is a form of adultery. In my opinion (and I’d like to read the Church’s view on this) it is not possible to watch pornography and remain in communion with God.

From the catechism.

THE SIXTH COMMANDMENT

You shall not commit adultery.113

You have heard that it was said, "You shall not commit adultery." But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.114

• I. “MALE AND FEMALE HE CREATED THEM . . .”

2331 "God is love and in himself he lives a mystery of personal loving communion. Creating the human race in his own image . . … God inscribed in the humanity of man and woman the vocation, and thus the capacity and responsibility, of love and communion."115

“God created man in his own image . . . male and female he created them”;116 He blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply”;117 "When God created man, he made him in the likeness of God. Male and female he created them, and he blessed them and named them Man when they were created."118

2332 Sexuality affects all aspects of the human person in the unity of his body and soul. It especially concerns affectivity, the capacity to love and to procreate, and in a more general way the aptitude for forming bonds of communion with others.

2333 Everyone, man and woman, should acknowledge and accept his sexual identity. Physical, moral, and spiritual difference and complementarity are oriented toward the goods of marriage and the flourishing of family life. The harmony of the couple and of society depends in part on the way in which the complementarity, needs, and mutual support between the sexes are lived out.

2334 "In creating men ‘male and female,’ God gives man and woman an equal personal dignity."119 "Man is a person, man and woman equally so, since both were created in the image and likeness of the personal God."120

2335 Each of the two sexes is an image of the power and tenderness of God, with equal dignity though in a different way. The union of man and woman in marriage is a way of imitating in the flesh the Creator’s generosity and fecundity: "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh."121 All human generations proceed from this union.122

2336 Jesus came to restore creation to the purity of its origins. In the Sermon on the Mount, he interprets God’s plan strictly: "You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."123 What God has joined together, let not man put asunder.124

The tradition of the Church has understood the sixth commandment as encompassing the whole of human sexuality.

 

[griffibo]

King Alfred…I would recommend checking out this page for more information if you’d like to.

scborromeo.org/ccc/p3s2c2a6.htm

 

[Nordar]

No offense, but this is a very severe judgment. Porn is just a means to arouse oneself sexually. It’s a device, a tool, a method. Like anything else, it’s subject to abuse. I don’t consider it a ‘mortal’ sin. My gosh…we live in a world replete with mass murder, wars of aggression, famine, grinding poverty and environmental destruction. I’m more worried about that than porn.

It is a mortal sin, a very grave matter, it endangers one’s soul according to the CCC. The fact that you do not consider it a mortal sin means nothing. If you are a Catholic and watch porn then you are indeed commiting a mortal sin.

 

[griffibo]

Well said Nordar.

That’s the heart of the issue and an example of the ability of Satan to twist our minds into accepting sin as normal. What we think about sin is only relevant to the extent it agrees with the Truth. We are not the moral compass, God is.

It’s so excellent that we have the Church to remind us. Left to my own devices I would be spiritually and morally bankrupt. Indeed, left to my own devices, I was.

God bless,
xxx

 

[Ruthie]

King Alfred, you have forgotten the other side of porn.

The pornography industry is based on sexual abuse. It subverts God’s plan for sex by making it something one does in public, for money.

Do you have the same attitude towards prostitution? Is prostitution “just a means to arouse oneself sexually”? What do you think of pimps?

Would you want any woman you know to be a prostitute or a porn “star”? Think about it.

One reason pornography is a mortal sin is because its users are supporting an industry that is just plain evil.

See CCC 2354 and 2396.

Ruthie

 

[Sierrah]

God, please grant me the courage and strength to do what I must for the sanctity of my marriage and family. DH and I had a talk a few weeks ago after catching him watching a racey video online. Since then he has been more helpful around the house and even this week he is getting up to work @ 5am and going to bed @ 8-9. However, in viewing the history on our computer, I am still finding racey websites that he vehemently denies having visited since our ‘talk’ and I desparately want to believe him. He has been so helpful at home and sweet and we’ve been getting along better, so it is very hard to throw that away. I am still trying to muster the courage to talk to our priest, I know I will be going by myself. This is very embarrassing for me to admit to him face to face and I am certain he will advise separation, and our anniversary is next week. Please God, give me the courage to do what I must.

Is he getting help with his addition? If he’s truly an addict then he may need a lot of professional help along with prayers. I don’t understand the draw of porn (never did) but many find it a powerful temptation they can’t resist and our society seems hell bent on keeping them addicted to such things. I’d throw out the tv and the computer if I were you. Why continue to put him in the way of temptation. You can always use the computer at the library or kinko’s if you really need one.

 

[JLCecilia]

I have a few posts going on this right now, one in prayer intentions for myself b/c I went in and pulled up a couple of the sites I found in the history toolbar. I went to confession last night, but it was very difficult and embarrassing to say the least. I normally find my priest very approachable and kind, but he had the worst grimace on his face that I’d never seen before. I bit the bullet and went face to face, where lately I’ve been hiding behind the screen. Also, when I mentioned DH’s fear of NFP and sex in general, my priest gave me the most confused look and mentioned that there are infertile phases. I am so hypersensitive right now that he may as well have come out and called us nymphos! As if to say, ‘aren’t the infertile days enough for you guys?’ Of course, he didn’t mean any of this, jut my sensitivities running wild.

Came home and confided in DH how upset I was, feeling like this is ‘his’ sin and I’m the one paying for it. I asked some more questions and got some more details: for instance, he was looking at websites several times a week, but only ‘taking care of himself’ maybe once a week; he said he did ‘it’ both in front of his computer and in the shower. I asked him how he went about finding these websites whether he just straight up was looking for them or if he opened up pop-ups or opened up junk email. He said he went to websites that he visited when he was hooked on this at 15. He said that sometimes he may go for weeks w/out either viewing or ‘acting out.’ He assured me that he does find our intimate life satisfying and that he doesn’t picture the images from the computer during intimacy.

I am getting a lot of great advice, but nothing I feel I can do. The reason I had brought up separation before is b/c I have already talked to DH and he absolutely opposed to turning off the internet and cable. Even if we did this, he can just as easily go pick up a magazine. When I asked him again about the computer, he said that the history toolbar I was looking at was for ‘internet explorer’ which he doesn’t use (only I use it, which is even more confusing to me why these racey websites would be there given that I don’t go to them). He uses firefox. I went in and looked at the history and there’s nothing racey there, of course, he’s savvy enough that he could very easily erase these things, and I’m technologically challenged enough that I would never find them. I even looked in his email (which he has sited as a source before) and there is nothing there.

No, he is not seeking help and I don’t forsee this happening. Again, this is why I site separation as a possibility to light a fire under his butt and drive home to him the severity and gravity of the situation. At this point, I think a visit TOGETHER to our priest is in order, just hoping DH will come around to it. He said he didn’t mind answering all of my questions except that the information is upsetting to me and he couldn’t deal w/ me being angry at him. I just asked to be understanding of my reaction as I have a right to know. After grilling him last night I gave him a foot and backrub to smooth things over and we both relaxed.

I appreciate all of the feedback I am getting, it is very informative and uplifting, esp male posters who have struggled w/ this before. Thank you for your openness as it help me to gain compassion and patience for DH which he needs from me right now (besides a swift kick in the pants)

 

[Simon_X]

Everything you’ve said makes sense, I am a guy and quite familiar with this problem (unfortunately). Realistically, a guy isn’t going to walk away from this type of sin unless 1) He sees it as a sin and wants to break free of it. 2) He goes to Confession on a regular basis and spends time with the Lord praying ect. 3) Avoids the Occasion of Sin, ie. computer, tv, dvds, mags, ect…

Hope this helps, PM me if I can give further insight…

 

[nana3]

JL, my heart goes out to you. WE have some dear friends who are separated because of this. The wife left her husband and took the kids to another state. She has lived with her husband on porn for 15 years. He would say that he will quit and go back to it. Her living him has made him really think. He states that he has not done porn now for 6 months, but really wants to. He is attending a men’s group for porn addiction and sexual addictions. He is now finally taking it seriously. The wife thought he was not doing it and put a filter on the computer and only she knew the password. He knew how to bypass that. He was also fired from a great paying job for bypassing the filter at his work and he watch porn at work and got caught. He admitted to us that he was addicted to porn now for 40 years and he too was sexual abused as a child. He is now 48 years old. That is a long time to be addicted to something. He knows he messed up his marriage and that he has a long ways to go to be porn free. He was even getting into child porn and that is when the wife left for she fear for her children, especially her daughters.

This man admits to me that getting rid of porn addiction is worse than alcoholism or other addictions. At least that is what is said in his weekly meetings. He is also seeing a priest for spiritual direction and a counselor. He wants his marriage to work, but his wife doesn’t trust or believe him anymore. She says he has lived too much. I can’t blame her, but this time he seems to be taking action but she thinks he is lying about that too. The trust is broken and it will be hard for him to repair it now. I think she wants divorce, but has not filed for one yet.

Porn can ruin a marriage. I know that when my dh was doing it, I hated the lying more than his watching the porn. I use to check his car and the house for magazines and check the computer, but he is better on it than I am. I think he is free of it, but has purity verses from Steve Wood at www. dads.org. that has helped. Mr. Wood says the only way to forget what you have seen is using passages from the Bible to free your memory. He also has an article for wifes if you want to check it out. It is not about us.

I know that one psychologist that my dh was seeing said that one of the reason men turn to porn is that they can’t handle whatever is going on in their lives or their past. It is an escape from reality to a imaginary world. It is all about escaping to fantasy world. At least that was his view on it.

I will pray for your husband to admit first that he does have an addiction. I will keep you in prayers too. I know it is not easy.

 

[KenEOTE]

God, please grant me the courage and strength to do what I must for the sanctity of my marriage and family. DH and I had a talk a few weeks ago after catching him watching a racey video online. Since then he has been more helpful around the house and even this week he is getting up to work @ 5am and going to bed @ 8-9. However, in viewing the history on our computer, I am still finding racey websites that he vehemently denies having visited since our ‘talk’ and I desparately want to believe him. He has been so helpful at home and sweet and we’ve been getting along better, so it is very hard to throw that away. I am still trying to muster the courage to talk to our priest, I know I will be going by myself. This is very embarrassing for me to admit to him face to face and I am certain he will advise separation, and our anniversary is next week. Please God, give me the courage to do what I must.

I am praying for you.

I can only say that if DH has a sexual Addiction that he has been battling it for years. I am 35 and have been dealing with it since I was 6 years old when I was first exposed to pornography. It is a never ending struggle and you need support of others. He needs to get help and seek out a licensed therapist. There are many Christian Therapists out there who specialize in this area. Many men, more then you would think struggle with Sexual Addiction. According to Dr. Patrick Carnes who is a leader in this field and has been helping sexually addicted men and woman says it is around 50 percent. Don’t give up hope, God can and will help him he needs to seek out the help though.

 

[strugglingalong]

Hope that clears up some things. DH seems very sincere to me about overcoming this, I only pray that he is sincere enough to take it to confession and begin going to mass w/ us again and receiving the sacraments - he has not been in about a year. I cannot see any other way for him to steer clear and avoid a relapse w/out the sacraments. I have read other posts of a young man who was intensely focused on the sacraments and repenting and still relapsed for a time, but continued to persevere and overcome. Praying the same for DH.

I’m going to speak from my own experience as a young male who has had this same problem. It’s difficult as it involves very deep and profound emotions. This type of intimacy involves bonding of people together, which is why Christ says the two become one. That doesn’t change all that much when images are involved. Mortal sin further weakens the will more than it is already because of our fallen nature; it darkens our mind even more than it already is; it pulls us into the mire that is difficult to get out of. Honestly, it takes a lot of sacrifice and determination - not in ourselves but determination to seek Christ and His strength. It sounds like he may not have that level of determination yet. He’ll need it.

If he’s not been to the Sacrament of Penance in a year that is a huge problem. He needs that forgiveness and that grace! Is he Catholic? He needs the graces of all the Holy Sacraments in order to overcome sin in his life.

He will also need a lot of prayer. It’ll be difficult. It involves coming out of something really deep and satan will not give up easily. The emotions are very powerful and the attraction is very strong. Only by prayer, discipline and fasting, and the Holy Sacraments can he overcome. He’ll need Jesus. It’s not something he can overcome alone.

Hell is wreaking havoc on souls in our world through these means. Personally I had to get rid of the Internet at home and I generally do not watch television shows because if the show doesn’t have impure material, most commercials do. For many men, the Internet and television are an occasion of sin. In order to turn from sin we must remove the occasions for them. So many men are being kept from Our Lord’s grace!!

Pray for him. Think of St. Jerome’s words to St. Monica: how could a son of so many tears be lost? Pray for his soul. Make sacrifices for his soul. That will show your love for him more than anything and that is what he needs the most, Divine assistance. The most important thing is for God to work. DH needs to open fully to God and give himself to Him.

One other thing, don’t baby him about it. I had an ex-girlfriend who made it seem like not a big deal similar to “oh I am sorry you fell are you okay?” The attraction to this sin is so strong and that doesn’t make one see the necessity of turning away from it by all means and with all he has. He may have to see how his life is falling apart because of it but at very least he needs to see how damning and grave the situation is for his soul.

I know this all sounds serious but it is a very serious situation. I myself am still trusting God to bring me totally out of the same types of sins. I see how difficult it is and how strong the grip on the soul is. It shows how much we need Jesus. And I don’t say that just for these types of sins but for all habitual mortal sins and for all sins: Jesus alone can saves our poor souls.

Pax Christi tecum.

 

[KenEOTE]

I’m going to speak from my own experience as a young male who has had this same problem. It’s difficult as it involves very deep and profound emotions. This type of intimacy involves bonding of people together, which is why Christ says the two become one. That doesn’t change all that much when images are involved. Mortal sin further weakens the will more than it is already because of our fallen nature; it darkens our mind even more than it already is; it pulls us into the mire that is difficult to get out of. Honestly, it takes a lot of sacrifice and determination - not in ourselves but determination to seek Christ and His strength. It sounds like he may not have that level of determination yet. He’ll need it.

If he’s not been to the Sacrament of Penance in a year that is a huge problem. He needs that forgiveness and that grace! Is he Catholic? He needs the graces of all the Holy Sacraments in order to overcome sin in his life.

He will also need a lot of prayer. It’ll be difficult. It involves coming out of something really deep and satan will not give up easily. The emotions are very powerful and the attraction is very strong. Only by prayer, discipline and fasting, and the Holy Sacraments can he overcome. He’ll need Jesus. It’s not something he can overcome alone.

Hell is wreaking havoc on souls in our world through these means. Personally I had to get rid of the Internet at home and I generally do not watch television shows because if the show doesn’t have impure material, most commercials do. For many men, the Internet and television are an occasion of sin. In order to turn from sin we must remove the occasions for them. So many men are being kept from Our Lord’s grace!!

Pray for him. Think of St. Jerome’s words to St. Monica: how could a son of so many tears be lost? Pray for his soul. Make sacrifices for his soul. That will show your love for him more than anything and that is what he needs the most, Divine assistance. The most important thing is for God to work. DH needs to open fully to God and give himself to Him.

One other thing, don’t baby him about it. I had an ex-girlfriend who made it seem like not a big deal similar to “oh I am sorry you fell are you okay?” The attraction to this sin is so strong and that doesn’t make one see the necessity of turning away from it by all means and with all he has. He may have to see how his life is falling apart because of it but at very least he needs to see how damning and grave the situation is for his soul.

I know this all sounds serious but it is a very serious situation. I myself am still trusting God to bring me totally out of the same types of sins. I see how difficult it is and how strong the grip on the soul is. It shows how much we need Jesus. And I don’t say that just for these types of sins but for all habitual mortal sins and for all sins: Jesus alone can saves our poor souls.

Pax Christi tecum.

Remember God can take our failures and turn them into His Victories.

 

[strugglingalong]

Remember God can take our failures and turn them into His Victories.

Absolutely! Actually that is key: *His *Victories. So often we fall and continue to fall because we are, in our pride, trusting in ourselves when we need to trust in Him to be our victory from sin.

He can use them for His glory and the good of souls! And as St. Faustina says, one drop of His Divine Blood would have been enough to save the whole world but He gave us even more. We ought never despair for He is so very merciful! He came for sinners. He loves sinners when them come to Him recognizing their sinfulness, their need, in true humility and contrition. He is a great fount of Divine Mercy! We ought never despair since we have so great and so merciful a Lord and God! Praised be Jesus, our Lord and our God!

Pax Christi tecum.