Dealing with a friend who is not only rude, but a hypocrite

[YoungDevout]

I’m not even sure where to begin. She’s loud, and tells too much information for one. “I well tell anyone…ANYTHING.” She will, I know where she buys her underwear, when she has her period, and that she looks at herself naked to see how much weight she has gained or lost. I tell her “I don’t want to know that.” “LIKE YOU DON’T DO IT.” One thing, that really offended me as a Catholic. “ALL Catholic priests are pedos. Well, maybe not all, but a good 40%” I disagreed. One day she said “You know, I think it’d be really sad for someone to die a virgin. That’s just pathetic.” I said “I don’t think so…like nuns…that’s not pathetic.” Which she replied, “PLEASE, THEY PROBABLY SLEEP AROUND AND CONFESS THE NEXT DAY!” During Lent, I wasn’t eating meat- “RELIGION CAN SCREW ITSELF BECAUSE I EAT WHAT I WANT.” She says to be a Christian, she’s been brought up in a Jehovah’s Witness and Baptist family.

What really offended me today, her mother was not married when she had her or her sister. Her sister is unmarried and pregnant. Her grandmother wasn’t married when she was pregnant. None of her aunts (or great-aunts were married when pregnant.) Her great-aunts were known for being “loose” I know this, because our families have known each other forever. Well, my other friend was talking about how her step-sister got this new boyfriend and she expected her to end up pregnant, well “hypocrite”, scoffed, "Then, she’d just have a “bastrd child." and started acting like it’d be the baby’s fault for being what she calls a "bastrd.”

How do I get her to shut up without being rude and yelling at her, telling her that her WHOLE family is illegitimate?

 

[Kamaduck]

Edit: misread it, sorry.

Why are you two friends? Is it like, you’ve known each other forever and she’s just recently gotten this way, or you’ve just recently begun to be offended by it, or what?

I don’t want to pry, but I don’t think anyone can answer this question until we know what your relationship with her is like.

 

[YoungDevout]

Edit: misread it, sorry.

Why are you two friends? Is it like, you’ve known each other forever and she’s just recently gotten this way, or you’ve just recently begun to be offended by it, or what?

I don’t want to pry, but I don’t think anyone can answer this question until we know what your relationship with her is like.

I’ve just began to notice her way this year, I guess it’s that I’ve spent more time with her this year, or maybe she’s began to get more nervy. She makes “rude” comments constantly. She claims that she’s not rude she’s “honest.” Just yesterday, she told some girl’s brother, that the girl was just a huge scar. The girl had to have a port, because they thought she had cancer when she was 13. Her life theory- “If someone gets embarrassed, mad, or their feelings are hurt. THAT’S THE WAY THE BALL ROLLS.” I don’t know why we’re friends, I guess because we’re able to laugh together sometimes. Even though, she started a fight between my mom and me. -.-

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I’ve just began to notice her way this year, I guess it’s that I’ve spent more time with her this year, or maybe she’s began to get more nervy. She makes “rude” comments constantly. She claims that she’s not rude she’s “honest.” Just yesterday, she told some girl’s brother, that the girl was just a huge scar. The girl had to have a port, because they thought she had cancer when she was 13. Her life theory- “If someone gets embarrassed, mad, or their feelings are hurt. THAT’S THE WAY THE BALL ROLLS.” I don’t know why we’re friends, I guess because we’re able to laugh together sometimes. Even though, she started a fight between my mom and me. -.-

Just get away from her I would say. That is the best way to deal with a person like that. And pray for them. I highly doubt she would change just because you don’t like the way she carries herself. I would at least start by telling her to stop with the pot shots at your religion and see what she says. She seems extremely low class to me. And I say that from personal experience as I am a ex criminal. Being that way does not change just because someone points it out. I would just not hang out with her. God bless

 

[underacloud]

Why do you want to spend time with this person? Why maintain the friendship?

Anyway, that’s your choice either way. If you stay friends, I can only say that we each have different ways of dealing with difficult and rude people. This can depend on our own temperament, the temperament of the other person, and the relationship dynamic.

Sometimes people will want to argue the point, and not let rude people get away with continuing to be rude; confronting their rudeness head-on.

Other people prefer to ignore their comments and not pay any attention to them, since this sort of behaviour is often just attention seeking. Not giving them attention sometimes eliminates their payoff, so they stop.

Only you can choose how you think it’s best to handle this situation. But people with attitudes like “that’s the way the ball rolls” should not be surprised when they find they have a lack of genuine friends left in their lives.

 

[YoungDevout]

Just get away from her I would say. That is the best way to deal with a person like that. And pray for them. I highly doubt she would change just because you don’t like the way she carries herself. I would at least start by telling her to stop with the pot shots at your religion and see what she says. She seems extremely low class to me. And I say that from personal experience as I am a ex criminal. Being that way does not change just because someone points it out. I would just not hang out with her. God bless

And considering she knows nothing about Catholicism. A conversation between us:

Her: You know, used to, I used to spell Christmas like Chrismas. I didn’t know it had a T for a long time.

Me: Yeah, I finally found out that it’s like Christ’s Mass put together.

Her: Mass? What’s that? Don’t Jews do that?

Me: No, they go to a synagogue.

Her: Oh! I thought Catholics did that!

Me: No, you have them mixed up. Catholics go to Mass.

She knows all about the Jewish religion too…her philosophy “Whenever you meet someone…and their last name ends in a vowel, they’re either Jewish, or Italian.” ._. -.-

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m not even sure where to begin. She’s loud, and tells too much information for one. “I well tell anyone…ANYTHING.” She will, I know where she buys her underwear, when she has her period, and that she looks at herself naked to see how much weight she has gained or lost. I tell her “I don’t want to know that.” “LIKE YOU DON’T DO IT.” One thing, that really offended me as a Catholic. “ALL Catholic priests are pedos. Well, maybe not all, but a good 40%” I disagreed. One day she said “You know, I think it’d be really sad for someone to die a virgin. That’s just pathetic.” I said “I don’t think so…like nuns…that’s not pathetic.” Which she replied, “PLEASE, THEY PROBABLY SLEEP AROUND AND CONFESS THE NEXT DAY!” During Lent, I wasn’t eating meat- “RELIGION CAN SCREW ITSELF BECAUSE I EAT WHAT I WANT.” She says to be a Christian, she’s been brought up in a Jehovah’s Witness and Baptist family.

What really offended me today, her mother was not married when she had her or her sister. Her sister is unmarried and pregnant. Her grandmother wasn’t married when she was pregnant. None of her aunts (or great-aunts were married when pregnant.) Her great-aunts were known for being “loose” I know this, because our families have known each other forever. Well, my other friend was talking about how her step-sister got this new boyfriend and she expected her to end up pregnant, well “hypocrite”, scoffed, "Then, she’d just have a “bastrd child." and started acting like it’d be the baby’s fault for being what she calls a "bastrd.”

How do I get her to shut up without being rude and yelling at her, telling her that her WHOLE family is illegitimate?

Do not stoop to saying rude things to her. Do not concern yourself about admonishing her, because she’s having none of it. It is not as if she has bad habits that she is trying to break. She has obnoxious habits that she feels entitled to! She’s not honest, she is brazen. She simply has a big mouth that lets anything fly out that she feels like letting fly. Simply refuse to be around her when she’s rude, and if you have to walk out on her more than a very few times, then refuse to have anything to do with her. Honestly, I wouldn’t blame you one bit if you simply let her know that you’ve had enough of her company to last a lifetime. The chances that she will amend herself any time in the near future are not good. If she loses a few friends, she may at least tone in down a bit.

If you decide to spend any more time with her, then when she says something rude (which includes anything you have told her not to talk about in your presence), you just look at her and say, “That’s it. I’ve had it.” And you get up, gather your things, and you walk off. She may let you, hurling rude comments at your back. That’s the way the ball rolls. Was she depending on you for a ride? Well, that’s how the ball rolls. She may ask for you to come back…don’t do it. Tell her, “I don’t know if I’m going to spend any time with you at all any more, but not today. You’ve been told you are rude, you’ve basically said you don’t care, I’m sick of it, and so I’m out of here. If you don’t like it or it inconveniences you, well,* that’s the way the ball rolls*. If the only person you care about is you, I hope you enjoy solitude.”

If, OTOH, she asks “What do you want of me? That I change myself for you?” You say, “I want you to confine yourself to saying things that are not only true, but also kind and that need to be said. If that is not you, then I don’t think we’re cut out to be friends. If you want to hold me to the same standard, I would appreciate it very much, because I’d profit from it. But not today. I’ve had enough for today.”

You’ll at least have this consolation: If she says rude or untrue things behind your back, very few people who know her at all will believe a word of it. She cannot have any credibility with anybody, if these are her habits.

 

[EasterJoy]

And considering she knows nothing about Catholicism. A conversation between us:

Her: You know, used to, I used to spell Christmas like Chrismas. I didn’t know it had a T for a long time.

Me: Yeah, I finally found out that it’s like Christ’s Mass put together.

Her: Mass? What’s that? Don’t Jews do that?

Me: No, they go to a synagogue.

Her: Oh! I thought Catholics did that!

Me: No, you have them mixed up. Catholics go to Mass.

She knows all about the Jewish religion too…her philosophy “Whenever you meet someone…and their last name ends in a vowel, they’re either Jewish, or Italian.” ._. -.-

Why are you asking yourself what to do about her? She doesn’t want to change, you can’t force her, and so your choice is whether or not you are willing to take her as she is. Just from the standpoint of the awful things you’d be giving your tacit approval to if you did, I hope not.

You can’t teach a pig to sing. You just frustrate yourself and annoy the pig. Quit spending time with her, and do not apologize for having had your fill of her. Again: Oh, well, that’s the way the ball rolls…

 

[Allegra]

When she starts up again, say, “I don’t like the way you are talking to me.” If she doesn’t like that, then hit the bricks. It’s not as if you seem to be getting much out of the relationship anyway.

 

[YoungDevout]

Do not stoop to saying rude things to her. Do not concern yourself about admonishing her, because she’s having none of it. It is not as if she has bad habits that she is trying to break. She has obnoxious habits that she feels entitled to! She’s not honest, she is brazen. She simply has a big mouth that lets anything fly out that she feels like letting fly. Simply refuse to be around her when she’s rude, and if you have to walk out on her more than a very few times, then refuse to have anything to do with her. Honestly, I wouldn’t blame you one bit if you simply let her know that you’ve had enough of her company to last a lifetime. The chances that she will amend herself any time in the near future are not good. If she loses a few friends, she may at least tone in down a bit.

If you decide to spend any more time with her, then when she says something rude (which includes anything you have told her not to talk about in your presence), you just look at her and say, “That’s it. I’ve had it.” And you get up, gather your things, and you walk off. She may let you, hurling rude comments at your back. That’s the way the ball rolls. Was she depending on you for a ride? Well, that’s how the ball rolls. She may ask for you to come back…don’t do it. Tell her, “I don’t know if I’m going to spend any time with you at all any more, but not today. You’ve been told you are rude, you’ve basically said you don’t care, I’m sick of it, and so I’m out of here. If you don’t like it or it inconveniences you, well,* that’s the way the ball rolls*. If the only person you care about is you, I hope you enjoy solitude.”

If, OTOH, she asks “What do you want of me? That I change myself for you?” You say, “I want you to confine yourself to saying things that are not only true, but also kind and that need to be said. If that is not you, then I don’t think we’re cut out to be friends. If you want to hold me to the same standard, I would appreciate it very much, because I’d profit from it. But not today. I’ve had enough for today.”

You’ll at least have this consolation: If she says rude or untrue things behind your back, very few people who know her at all will believe a word of it. She cannot have any credibility with anybody, if these are her habits.

That’s her most famous line when she saw in the yearbooks that our science teacher had to repeat 2nd grade. She said “OMG I’M BRING THAT UP IN CLASS.” I said “Don’t do that, that might embarrass him.” To which she said “Oh well! That’s just the way the ball rolls!”

 

[CMSUVulcan]

I know of a girl who is very much like this. I know it sounds hard, but try to be understanding, but have a firmly set line in the sand. Don’t push her towards that line, but when she touches that line, directly and politely as possible tell her that you disapprove of what she is saying. Also, as in all things first and foremost pray. Be polite, kind, and nice to her, but don’t mislead her and be direct to her and gently correct her. Tell her that what she is saying is hurting her own credibility and your friendship with her. If she continues, then walk away.

 

[EasterJoy]

That’s her most famous line when she saw in the yearbooks that our science teacher had to repeat 2nd grade. She said “OMG I’M BRING THAT UP IN CLASS.” I said “Don’t do that, that might embarrass him.” To which she said “Oh well! That’s just the way the ball rolls!”

Are you her only friend? Honestly, I can’t imagine who would want to spend a lot of time around this. I have to wonder if she doesn’t have some organic impulse-control issues. Sometimes people take on a persona of being out of control on purpose because they don’t want to admit how often they act in ways they regret but don’t know how to avoid until it is too late. It is less embarrassing for them to pretend to have chosen their social faux pas, rather than having to admit that they don’t know how to consistently act in a socially-acceptable manner.

I do know quite a few adults who don’t have a lot of friends because they lack impulse control, although nothing like this young woman. The friends they do have can only tolerate them in small doses. Sometimes these people have organic problems that can be controlled with therapy or medication, and their lives go a lot smoother after that. Other times, they just go through life upsetting a lot of apple carts and losing the company of people they might have enjoyed, if they had a handle on their mouths.

Most of them have thick hides, which is part of the problem they have in gauging what kind of comments will hurt someone else–they say things that they would take in stride with a barbed retort, and can’t imagine why others can’t play by the same rough-and-tumble rules. These people often value friends who put them in their place just as bluntly as they get out of place, rather than the alternative, which is that former friends whose “tactful” suggestions go totally unheeded simply start avoiding them like the plague. If you draw a line with her and say “do you want me to bluntly tell you to cut it out and expect you to cut it out, or do you just want me to give up and walk away?” she may actually straighten up quite a bit.

 

[shainski]

It sounds like you are very young.

One lesson to learn in life is that you cannot change anyone else - and it is hard to change yourself - and only if you really want to.

So if you are going to deal with someone else - then you have to accept that they are the way they are. You may limit your exposure to that person if you choose - or you can tolerate their idiosyncracies.

Do not try to deal with it by raising the ante. Don’t call her or her family illegitimate. Sympathize with her if you like - laugh with her if you like. But when you find it difficult to tolerate her anymore then find a way to tell her - “It’s overwhelming when you talk like that about things i cherish. I’m going to go now.” and then go. Don’t argue about it. Don’t threaten - just go. *(maybe you will find that you can deal with her in small doses - maybe not at all)

She may realize that her antics bother you - and reign them in when you are around - she may not. You tell us that she is honest to the point of being cruel. So she won’t be bothered when you return an little honesty.

Good Luck. (and you will also find that no matter what you do - everyone will not be your friend. There are those that you simply won’t click with. Some that won’t like you.)