Dealing with a sibling and underage drinking

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BoomBoomMancini said:
It’s possible that the cousin is thinking that the little sister is going to drink one way or another, given that she’s a college freshman, so might as well be there to make sure that the little sister doesn’t go overboard or get taken advantage of by some unscrupulous dude. Not terrible reasoning.
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The OP clarified, that is not the case.
 
deutsch1997bw said:
Well, I spoke with my cousin about this tonight, and apparently my sister has given her the impression that she’d like to try things out. I kind of suspected that, but the messages from my sister were mixed.

My cousin is a nice person and a decent student. But, my sister is a really good student, and my concern is that my cousin getting her started on this so early will change that.
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I’d suggest to my cousin it is a bad idea to get involved with supplying a minor with alcohol or bringing them to a party with alcohol. These are the things that can ruin lives.

Frankly, I’d probably tell my parents what she was planning, since she has obviously been at campus only a very short time and it’s the first thing she is planning right out of the gate. Not smart. Not mature. (But that’s me today… me in college probably would have had a cavalier attitude since heaven knows everyone thinks they are invincible at that age).

You are a good brother to be concerned about your sister. She is an “adult” from the perspective of the law. But she doesn’t sound like she is making good decisions.
 
1ke said:
My interpretation of post #3 is that the sister approached the cousin.
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I don’t see how that’s inconsistent with what I said though. Could be the sister mentioned to the cousin, “can’t wait to hit my first kegger!” And the cousin suggested they go drinking on Friday night with the intention of keeping an eye on her and making sure she doesn’t overindulge.
 
There are some on this thread that think that introducing a college freshman girl to the wonderful world of alcohol in college is a good idea…

While completely silly from a safety standpoint ( no matter the controlled environment). What ever happened to the Catholic idea of obeying just laws?

I’d like to know if the older sister, the OP has her sisters respect enough to say, “hey, I’ve been a freshman, I’m succeeding in college, follow me, don’t be foolish”

A lot depends on what power the OP has in the situation. It may be that she states her position and has to let it go, or it may be that she calls the authorities if laws are broken…:eek:
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
There are some on this thread that think that introducing a college freshman girl to the wonderful world of alcohol in college is a good idea…
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Really? Not getting that impression at all. To which posters are you referring?
 
Saint_Anthony8 said:
Two things. A) you owe your sister absolutely nothing. B) What I would do is, assuming it is not dangerous for her to have alcohol, I would give her some tips. Eat solid food first, drink water in between drinks, stick to something you sip, not down in one gulp, and most importantly don’t drive. If you have to question whether you can drive, you can’t.
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Rhubarb said:
Your sister is an adult now, and can make her own choices. Be they good or bad.

Your job as her big brother is to make sure that she knows what she’s getting into, how to drink responsibly and safely on a college campus (yes, it is possible), and be ready to go pick her up if things get too wild and she asks for help.
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venite_adoremus said:
Second what that last poster said. Let your sister know that she can call you, any time, any hour of the day or night, collect if necessary, for a sobriety ride home (assuming, of course, that YOU can drive and have not been drinking). No questions asked at that time, maybe we’ll talk it over later. Check the Mothers Against Drunk Drivers web sites to see if they still have that great old parent-child agreement.

If she is underage, she risks arrest in addition to other problems, and depending on what state your college is in this could mean real trouble with the dean of students.

Beyond that, she’s growing up, she’s starting college, she needs to make her own way. Your school has a counseling office if it gets dicey. Give her the freedom.

My first legal (?) drink in college was given to me by my parish priest! --the night I made the commitment to become a Catholic (Irish whiskey, and good stuff at that). Later on I got drunk a few times in college, lived through it, graduated cum laude, finished graduate school, and have had a great life. She should too.
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PaulfromIowa said:
Your sister is at the point where she has to make her own decisions. If she has not developed good morals and common sense by now, it may be too late. You realistically cannot hope to shield her from alcohol once she is in college.
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Rico_S said:
Really? Not getting that impression at all. To which posters are you referring?
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Rico, all of the above posts seem to have an “it’s her life,” or “she’s going to do it anyway” or “just be there when she needs help” kind of attitude. I think that gives the impression they are not truly against underage drinking…🤷
 
Irishmom2 said:
Rico, all of the above posts seem to have an “it’s her life,” or “she’s going to do it anyway” or “just be there when she needs help” kind of attitude. I think that gives the impression they are not truly against underage drinking…🤷
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Fair enough. But I really don’t get the impression that these posters are condoning the cousin’s plan to “introduce her to the wonderful world of alcohol in college.” I do see how you believe that there seems to be a tone in those posts of not truly being against underage drinking…you are only seeing half the story. Heidi’s post sums it up best, imo.
Personally, I think it’s silly to forbid drinking by legal adults, but college drinking is rife with all sorts of dangers.
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I do not support underage drinking. It can lead to a lot of bad decisions because it is usually pretty unsupervised and secretive. I didn’t even know where the parties were when I was in college because I wasn’t asking around. 🤷

However, I realize that you cannot make these choices for your sister. She is ultimately the one who must decide what to do. All you can do is offer your best advice. I think it is only fair to warn her that there can be very real consequences if she is caught, both legally and academically. Not to mention the dangers of letting your inhibitions down around people you don’t know very well.
 
I’m not really against underage drinking within moderation, to be honest. A college student having a few cans of cheap beer with her friends is really nothing to hyperventilate over. I mean, just be smart about it and don’t overdo it. 🤷

Also, LOL at the idea of her getting in a ton of legal or academic trouble. If every person who was caught with a bud light as a college freshman was expelled, most college campuses would be ghost towns (well, maybe a handful of mormons.) Most colleges have an unspoken “as long as you’re not being obnoxious and loud at 3 am, we’ll look the other way” rule. At least they did when i was in school. Hell, hiding your rotgut booze from the RA was half the fun.
 
The campuses will “look the other way” as long as they are not getting hit with liability or bad PR from students sustaining serious injury, death, or rape after drinking underage, or commit some kind of mass riot or vandalism while drinking underage. I am watching a stare school in my local area deal with all this right now.

As for most students stopping after a few cans of beer occasionally, a percentage do, just as another percentage choose to skip the whole drinking thing, but a sizable percentage of students are doing serious binge drinking as either a social ritual or a stress reliever. I recently read a story where a girl going out to make the rounds of parties on a typical campus Saturday night put 10 or 12 shots of vodka in a thermos and filled it with lemonade and then just carried it with her to sip from all night long. This was presented as being perfectly normal. When I drank at age 21, I had 4 shots and I was done for the night (stopping well short of puking, blackout or hangover but definitely too impaired to drive and having to be careful walking). The idea of carrying around 10 shots for your personal consumption, while attending parties that likely also had beer to sip on, was mind blowing to me.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
The campuses will “look the other way” as long as they are not getting hit with liability or bad PR from students sustaining serious injury, death, or rape after drinking underage, or commit some kind of mass riot or vandalism while drinking underage. I am watching a stare school in my local area deal with all this right now.

As for most students stopping after a few cans of beer occasionally, a percentage do, just as another percentage choose to skip the whole drinking thing, but a sizable percentage of students are doing serious binge drinking as either a social ritual or a stress reliever. I recently read a story where a girl going out to make the rounds of parties on a typical campus Saturday night put 10 or 12 shots of vodka in a thermos and filled it with lemonade and then just carried it with her to sip from all night long. This was presented as being perfectly normal. When I drank at age 21, I had 4 shots and I was done for the night (stopping well short of puking, blackout or hangover but definitely too impaired to drive and having to be careful walking). The idea of carrying around 10 shots for your personal consumption, while attending parties that likely also had beer to sip on, was mind blowing to me.
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I agree with all of that. That’s why I think the right move for the OP/cousin isn’t to wag their finger at the sister not to drink; she’s **going ** to drink. Sneaking beers is as much a part of the American college experience as tailgating and eating horrible greasy pizza. They’re kids navigating the transition to adulthood: let them wade in a little bit.

But that doesn’t mean the OP/cousin don’t have a role to play as the older, wiser voice of reason. Recognizing that the sister is going to go to a party and have a drink, have a conversation with her about drinking safely. Talk to her about knowing when it’s time to stop. Talk to her about always having a friend with her so they can watch each other’s backs. Talk to her about the consequences of overdoing it. Go with her to be her wingwoman until she gets the lay of the land.

All that to say, don’t call the campus police on your sister because she wants to go to a party. :rolleyes:
 
BoomBoomMancini said:
I agree with all of that. That’s why I think the right move for the OP/cousin isn’t to wag their finger at the sister not to drink; she’s **going ** to drink. Sneaking beers is as much a part of the American college experience as tailgating and eating horrible greasy pizza. They’re kids navigating the transition to adulthood: let them wade in a little bit.
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I’m sorry, but this kind of attitude is why alcohol is the problem it is today on college campuses. “They’re going to do it anyway.”

So? That makes it okay? No. Not one person on this thread has actually come out and said it is just wrong. The sister is **years away **from being the legal age to drink. Her brain is still developing. Just because everyone else does it, or did it when they were in college does not make it right. Let’s stop telling our kids it’s no big deal because for some, it is.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I’m sorry, but this kind of attitude is why alcohol is the problem it is today on college campuses. “They’re going to do it anyway.”

So? That makes it okay? No. Not one person on this thread has actually come out and said it is just wrong. The sister is **years away **from being the legal age to drink. Her brain is still developing. Just because everyone else does it, or did it when they were in college does not make it right. Let’s stop telling our kids it’s no big deal because for some, it is.
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Alcohol is a HUGE problem on college campuses. That’s why I’m against binge drinking. What I’m not particularly against is a 18-20 year old having some beer at a college party. 🤷 Yeah, it’s illegal, but it’s not really enforced, and frankly, the authorities don’t really care most of the time, provided you’re not doing it to excess. A few beers for a 19 year old in college is illegal in the same sense that going 50 in a 45 mph zone is. Probably nothing to tie yourself up in knots over, or give some great moral weight to.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I’m sorry, but this kind of attitude is why alcohol is the problem it is today on college campuses. “They’re going to do it anyway.”

So? That makes it okay? No.** Not one person on this thread has actually come out and said it is just wrong. **The sister is **years away **from being the legal age to drink. Her brain is still developing. Just because everyone else does it, or did it when they were in college does not make it right. Let’s stop telling our kids it’s no big deal because for some, it is.
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But it isn’t intrinsically wrong in moderation–what is wrong is breaking the law and going to excess.

Steering the OP’s sister away from excess is what a lot of people are recommending–which is hard to do in a prohibition environment, which encourages excess when there is any consumption.

By the way, colleges have gotten good results with “social norming.”

dartmouth.edu/~healthed/focus/aod/norms.html

“Several colleges and universities have implemented social norms marketing campaigns with promising results, some of which have seen 20 percent reductions in high-risk drinking after just two years of campaign implementation.”

"Researchers have established that **college students tend to grossly overestimate the number of their peers who engage in high-risk alcohol consumption. **This misperception is believed to influence students to drink more heavily by changing their perceptions of normative expectations (social norms) around drinking. In other words, students may feel pressured to drink because they believe that “everyone else is doing it.”"

"A typical social norms message would be “74% of Dartmouth drinkers have 0-4 drinks on the average Friday night.”
 
Please allow me to clarify. I spent this past summer studying abroad in Germany. Naturally, I drank while I was there. However, I am (1) older and (2) capable of managing myself. I don’t agree with drinking to get drunk. If one is an adult, and can therefore die in a war for their country, why shouldn’t they be able to drink? Answer: Most people don’t know how to have a drink purely for pleasure’s sake. They feel the need to get completely drunk. My cousin happens to be this type of drinker.

My whole point is that I don’t think it’s my cousin’s place to “initiate” her before she’s not even been away from home for two days. If she wants to have a drink, fine. But my cousin wants her to have a drink and get drunk. I don’t like that, and frankly, I think it is quite disrespectful of my cousin to try and do so.
 
deutsch1997bw said:
Please allow me to clarify. I spent this past summer studying abroad in Germany. Naturally, I drank while I was there. However, I am (1) older and (2) capable of managing myself. I don’t agree with drinking to get drunk. If one is an adult, and can therefore die in a war for their country, why shouldn’t they be able to drink? Answer: Most people don’t know how to have a drink purely for pleasure’s sake. They feel the need to get completely drunk. My cousin happens to be this type of drinker.

My whole point is that I don’t think it’s my cousin’s place to “initiate” her before she’s not even been away from home for two days. If she wants to have a drink, fine. But my cousin wants her to have a drink and get drunk. I don’t like that, and frankly, I think it is quite disrespectful of my cousin to try and do so.
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I would say then the person to talk to is the cousin.

I had a couple friends like that who apparently enjoyed “bonding” over falling over each other and holding each other’s hair back so they could throw up. It’s bizarre and really unhealthy, and no, even on many college campuses, I don’t think most or even a majority of students behave like that.
 
I have a question. In this situation we have two siblings, a cousin, and a college. Does the younger sister have good friends? Friends engaged in healthy behavior? Are there sports or talents involved? Is she focused on a major or course of study?

Because the way thIs sounding is a lot like the old cartoon cliche of a conscience represented by an angel on one shoulder ( the op) and the devil on the other ( the cousin)

I’m just wondering why this is such a family affair.
 
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