Dealing with a spouse's depression

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Earlier this week, my husband was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I have been finding it a very unpleasant cross to bear, feeling like I’m a Mother to three children now. I just had some good counsel from my parish priest, so that helped a little.

But my questions: Do you live with a spouse who has depression? How long have they had it? What did you do to help your spouse (besides the obvious doctor visits)? I think more importantly, what did you do to preserve your own sanity?

Any and all (name removed by moderator)ut is welcome, because I’m sorely needing it.
 
2Sweet, I made a few comments in this thread from the viewpoint of the depression sufferer in a bf/gf relationship:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=218153

It’s answering your question from the other side of the fence to where you are sitting, but FWIW I think spouses and ‘significant others’ should not take any sort of ‘ownership’ of the sick person’s depression or impose their own timetable for recovery. No one else can initiate, manage and achieve his recovery for him. You should of course encourage - and expect - him to be responsible for getting help for all your sakes, and if he refuses to over time then you are entitled to put the foot down and insist he takes responsibility. That is different, though, to imposing external expectations of how fast he should recover, or withdrawing emotional support because you can’t see it making any immediate difference.

As I commented in the other thread, I would have had no problem at all with someone saying to me, “I know depression is hell for you but it’s hard for me to deal with too. I just need some of my own time and space to keep my act together, but it’s just a break, I’m still here”. I didn’t get that at the time. I got the response I posted in the other thread. I was made to feel like the relationship depended on me healing to his timetable, which is just encouraging the sick person to put on an act and/or pushing them further over the edge - “get better or I’m outta here”. It’s possible to tell a depressed person you need to distance yourself sometimes for your own sake without making them feel the whole relationship is conditional on their recovery or rate of healing.

And, as I said in the other thread, the lack of obvious or measurable response to emotional support doesn’t mean it isn’t needed and it isn’t helping. The best analogy I can come up with is that a floating plank in the ocean doesn’t get you rescued, but it helps stop you from drowning until rescue comes along. Emotional support can be that floating plank.
 
You did not say whether he has accepted this diagnosis and is actively seeking help or is trying some medications. If he is not, please lovingly urge him to not give up and you want him to be happy/healthy and get in to see a doctor again to do so.

If he is trying, just remember that if the first prescription isn’t working well and he is not getting relief, than be with him and go to the doctor and try again! Has he admitted to himself that he needs help? If so, please try to learn to be supportive without being a doormat. This is a hard balance to strike, and I am learning that myself. Learn more about what he has been diagnosed with along with spousal coping skills. Learn how to strike the balance of Love/Support with responsibility. One book I know that deals with that subject is “Boundaries in Marriage” by Cloud-Townsend check out their website too.
 
twosweetgirls said:
Earlier this week, my husband was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I have been finding it a very unpleasant cross to bear, feeling like I’m a Mother to three children now. I just had some good counsel from my parish priest, so that helped a little.

But my questions: Do you live with a spouse who has depression? How long have they had it? What did you do to help your spouse (besides the obvious doctor visits)? I think more importantly, what did you do to preserve your own sanity?

Any and all (name removed by moderator)ut is welcome, because I’m sorely needing it.
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Hugs, smooches, and talking about what’s bothersome seems to help my girlfriend. I hope to always be there for her 🙂
 
I went through a time when I was also diagnosed with depression. I went into therapy, but I didn’t think the diagnoses was accurate. Later when I talked to my family doctor, he didn’t think the diagnosis was accurate either.

What I thought I had, was a severe bout of sleep deprevation brought about by stress at work, fear of dying. Some would call it a classic nervous break down, and it could have been fatal. I was delusional, manic and suicidal. To say I wasn’t thinking clearly would be a gross understatement.

It took me a couple of days in a hosiptal to come out of it. They put me on some medication but I think the meds made me more anxious and jittery. The professional care was invaluable the first day of so, but I think much less so after a couple of days.

I think the counseling afterwards was almost a waste of time, especially after a few months, when it became clear that the only thing the therapist was interested in, was to make a few more bucks from visits indefinitely.

What keeps me on an even keel now, is to be careful to get enough rest, be careful about whether I’m thinking clearly, and a renewed faith in myself and the Almighty.

I’ve always been an optimistic adaptable person, and focusing on the positive with confidence, is the best weapon to combat depression. Being able to make the best of bad situations, and keeping a sunny disposition makes depression almost impossible. A good sense of humor also helps.

I’m sure I put my DW through the wringer, and how she managed to run the household with a 2 year old and a borderline mental patient was near impossbible. I suppose talking to friends and relatives helps a lot. You definitely need to rely on your support system as much as possible.
 
Lifeisamazing said:
You did not say whether he has accepted this diagnosis and is actively seeking help or is trying some medications. If he is not, please lovingly urge him to not give up and you want him to be happy/healthy and get in to see a doctor again to do so.
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Oh yes, he most certainly has acknowledged that there IS something wrong, and last week I went with him to the dr. to talk about the depression and anxiety, and to discuss medication possibilities. He started an anti-depressant that day. So at least denial (on his part) doesn’t seem to be an issue.
 
We all have our ups and downs. Some are mental/emotional and some are chemical/biological - or a combination there of. I have had issues with anxiety and my wife had a a bout or two with depression. Medication did help both of us - to varying degrees. Coping and working everything out was a big part of it too.

Nothing about us is static. We always change - though we often try not to. Prayer actually helped me the most. Eucharistic Adoration is very powerful. 1st Friday (when we have EA) cannot get here soon enough. I need my fix.
 
twosweetgirls said:
Oh yes, he most certainly has acknowledged that there IS something wrong, and last week I went with him to the dr. to talk about the depression and anxiety, and to discuss medication possibilities. He started an anti-depressant that day. So at least denial (on his part) doesn’t seem to be an issue.
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That is wonderful! Keep dialogue open with him to let him know you support him and ask his opinion of how he feels about the medication and whether he feels a change happening.

Hang in there and seek support for yourself.

I know how difficult it can because I am dealing with a depressed/anxious/unreasonable environment while motherhood duties call too. I went to my priest and had to discuss some pretty embarrassing and painful things (in dealing with some spousal issues) and was able to receive new strength and direction and a referral to counseling. Best wishes to you and your family!
 
Sometimes you have to try several different meds to see what works, and sometimes after working for several months they loose effectiveness. Also some of the meds seriously decline sexual drive, you have to remind yourself it’s not you.

For me I encouraged my hubby to go out more. If he expressed a slight interest in something I encouraged it. Tried to find ways to make him feel loved without being overbearing or too in his face. And learned when I needed to back off and just give him space. And of course I prayed. I also went to Mass more frequently as a way of “recharging my batteries” I guess -giving more peace and strength to deal with some of the rougher times.

Also I would gently ask when I suspected the meds had stopped working.

Hubby’s been off meds for years now. Winter still seems to be a more down time for him. I still keep an eye for signs and will occasionally (if I really suspect) ask if he’s just in a funk or if its something more serious.

My husband had been chronically depressed for years, starting before I met him so I really thought that was his personality- melancholic. My husband is a recovered alcoholic. When the drinking stopped so did his way of self medicating and the depression got progressively worse.

Once he got to the doctors and began treatment I could not get over the difference. Before it was hard to get him to even mow the lawn, he was suddenly working outside without prompting and even took up gardening. It’s been a while since he’s needed meds but I think he was on them for about 3 years. It really made a huge difference.
 
I’m depressive, too. Keep in mind that he has to be on the meds for a while before they start to work - usually two weeks to a month. So hang in there.

The first thing you need to cope with is accepting the situation. Ask his doctor and/or therapist if there are support groups for spouses.

No, you don’t have to be his Mommy all the time. Now and then, yes, but not all the time! He may not be capable of much right now, but that should improve when the meds started working.

As another poster suggested, do tell him when you think he needs a change in his treatment, and if you notice him “crashing.”

The other mommy thing is to encourage him - thank him for doing “his” chores, and any time he goes out of the way to do something nice. A big hug and a smooch! The same way you do for your kids, when they’re learning.

Depression is hard to understand from the outside. When it first hit me, it was a real act of heroism for me to do something as small as washing the dishes. I am not exaggerating. That was before the meds kicked in. It still takes extraordinary effort for me to do housework, compared to what I was like before. (And I was diagnosed in '94.)

Depression is physical as well as mental, and one component is fatigue. In my case, the meds have not helped with this; but I also have fibromyalgia, which contributes to it. Good sleep is important. If he snores badly, ask him to get tested for sleep apnea.

Make sure that he is tested for type 2 bipolar, and for ADD. I was recently diagnosed with both, and my treatment is changed, and things are improving.

I hope suggesting tests doesn’t break the rule about medical advice…

Last but not least, both of you pray to St. Dymphna for her intercession! She’s the one whose intercession led me to the doctor I have now, who tested me…

God bless you both,

Ruthie
 
twosweetgirls said:
Oh yes, he most certainly has acknowledged that there IS something wrong, and last week I went with him to the dr. to talk about the depression and anxiety, and to discuss medication possibilities. He started an anti-depressant that day. So at least denial (on his part) doesn’t seem to be an issue.
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Just don’t expect too much, these anti-depressants can take up to a month to work, and he may have to switch meds if he has side effects. Encourage him to eat a healthy diet and get some exercise and enough sleep, but other than that run your household normally and do not let the depression take over your life too. If he feels like talking, let him talk, but if not, just be there for him. I found it easier to talk to a friend than my husband or family, so if this happens, don’t take it personally or feel hurt. Sometimes family members can get overinvolved emotionally, whereas a friend can be more objective. My husband handled my depression really well, letting me have my space when I needed it, and also not letting me affect his life any more than necessary, helping out when I couldn’t do what I usually did, but also recognizing when I started to get better and needed a little “motivation” to get going. Things like “I think you can go to the grocery store by yourself now”, or “Why don’t you take a little walk?” etc. My mother, however, God bless her, was not helpful because she was overly worried and would say the usual “Cheer up” things and try to make me feel better. Anyway, these are a few things that helped us get through.
 
Ruthie said:
Depression is hard to understand from the outside. When it first hit me, it was a real act of heroism for me to do something as small as washing the dishes. I am not exaggerating.
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This is so true. She is not exaggerating.

You can be in tears of utter defeat before you even get out of bed in the morning.

I remember crying in the carpark one afternoon because it was very hot but the manual window winder on the car was stiff and the effort of fighting it to wind the window down was more than I could bear.

I used to have paralysing attacks at a particular point on my way to work each morning for many months at the thought of having to face, deal with, interact with, talk to people, knowing that the only alternative of sitting in the park all day was seriously sinful. I remember hiding in the ladies room for up to an hour at a time because that was the only place I could get out of sight and away from people.

It doesn’t even make sense to me, and I was there, so I well understand how difficult it is to understand from the outside.
 
I have suffered with depression since 2002. About 4 months ago, I was diagnosed w/ ADD (at 52 yrs old, good grief!) and Bi-Polar. We have been working on meds for 4 months. I just recently started crying throughout the day. This morning, reading the 1st reading, Hebrew 12:4-7, 11-15 and then going to Good News Ministries gnm.org to read their daily reflection really helped me a lot.

I was crying this morning, 6:00 am and my husband (who has been very supportive) asked me why I was crying. I said I don’t know. We then both started laughing about it! He has such a great sense of humor (he must…to have put up with me for 22 years). He sometimes comes to my psychologist with me.

God gave me the best man I could find to have as my husband. Praise you Jesus!

Claire from ME
 
My husband suffered a breakdown due to stress and depression, 15 years ago. It was so severe that he’s never recovered, has not been able to work…and in the end, the specialists gave up on him, said he was one of the 20% who never recover. Medications never helped, but coming off them was always a nightmare.

We lost our home and live in rented accommodation…and I know how difficult it can be, to live with someone whose symptoms are also combined with chronic fatigue, and around whom I can’t speak with enthusiasm personally, especially in the morning, and never on the phone in his hearing. He isn’t interested in sports, politics or religion, or the news. He isn’t interested in my friends. He can rouse himself at great cost to help others in the family, but pays afterwards with exhaustion. He also has constant pain from arthritis. I sit with him to keep him company, but it doesn’t give him much. He likes the food I prepare for him. He’s not affectionate, and he doesn’t really need mine or anyone’s company. When the boys were young he was a good but angry man. A perfectionist! And he even checked my underclothes drawer to check everything was folded perfectly neatly! 😃 He doesn’t any more!

He’s a lovely grandfather, though…but there you are! That’s my man! So I kind of understand something of the hardship you may go through. There were years when I used to cry at some time every day…while doing housework while he was at work and our lovely sons at school. When he left at some stage, our eldest said, “Mummy, I don’t know which is worse. Dad being here or you crying.” But they knew he loved them in his way and they love him and would do anything for him to make his life easier. They turned out to be amazing men.

I hope you feel less alone, Love…knowing that some of us do know something of what you’re going through.

God grant you continuing love, enthusiasm, cheerfulness and inner peace, despite everything.

Warmly, Trishie
 
I notice that I didn’t answer the question, ‘what do you do to preserve your sanity?’ A very big help in the earlier years was my enormous love for my sons.
I used also to get up for six a.m. Mass while the boys and he were still asleep. That was my strength also. I now go to later Masses.

You spoke of finding some support from your priest. Yes, Confession times and the wisdom of priests was helpful to me. There was much wisdom and kindness at times that helped me get through. I was too shy for many years to make friends.

One time in Confession I had tears running down my cheek, but I wasn’t saying anything about why…well, it wasn’t unusual for me to cry…certainly not not in front of my husband who didn’t recognise it as sadness but called it “the waterworks…won’t work on me.” “Go back a bit,” the priest said. “What were you thinking of just then?” I said, well my husband had said, “If I weren’t tied to you, I wouldn’t cross the street to pull you out from in front of a bus”. And would you believe it, the priest started laughing! It’s as well I knew him and that he did have his very individual way of seeing things, because it helped. I was able to see it was pretty ridiculous. That did help me to get some distance.

But priest’s kindness in Confession helped. I recall that one priest took a large crumpled hanky out of his pocket saying, “I think it’s clean!” Another was trying not to crack up with laughter because I leaned over to wipe my eyes on the hem of my long dress, and ever after there have been tissues in the Confessional.

It is also the case that though it hasn’t been easy, the fact is my husband is a good man. He wouldn’t be unfaithful to save his life. And he’d step in front of a bullet to save the life of any of his family. He has a kind of integrity even though he’s had periods of not dealing rightly with his relationships. I do somehow understand him. He’s a lot gentler and more tolerant since his breakdown. I know I saw him as Christ on the Cross at the time Jesus said, 'My God, My God, why have You abandoned me? He briefly had faith…until his breakdown.

I wrote this about him one time

Fallen leaves and broken branches
tell of life that was.
Shattered pride and faded dreams
lie scattered in the dust.

Yet whispered through the endless pain,
unheard within his hopeless heart,
his soul cries out,
“Forgive me. Heal me. Give me Life again.”

He’s a good man who got an overdose of logic and perfectionism, and an incredibly strong sense of duty, whether at home or at work. He worked himself (for others firms) to a kind of death. I understand him…and though in some ways some feelings are bruised to death in me, I am resilient because I’ve enthusiasm and love. I’m cheerful and supportive with him, and tend to keep my troubles to myself where he’s concerned, because he can’t handle it if I dont. But I’ve Mass and friends, and I’ve also got you guys at CAF, and prayer and caring for you all, and a sense of humour…and I’ve got a talent I should be using more, drawing and painting. Please pray for me about that…

I guess it’s been a big help regarding survival to have respect for him and understanding for those things that are part of his nature.
He’s not a Rembrandt or a Constable…or…or…he’s his own unique style. I appreciate him for who he is, not what he can’t be.
 
I AM the spouse with depression - was diagnosed 20 some years ago. I used to pray at night that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning.

My wife sat me down 20 years ago and said that I needed to see a doctor to try to determine why I was so miserable. I did, got an anti depressant and it made my depression manageable.

My wife was always supportive by listening any time that I wanted to talk about it. She explained that it was a chemical imbalance and it was a cross that I had to bear.

There are a few good books on how to deal with a spouse that has depression.

Pray for strength.

Bob
 
Trishie and rleng,

Those were both great replies. My hubby tries to keep me laughing, which is a big help, he has got such a great sense of humor.

I am going thru one of my “spells”, been crying for a few weeks, I will be going to pick up a new med this morning. I will be on three anti depressants, besides all the other stuff I am going thru. (It’s called the over 40 syndrome).😛

Just one day at a time, with Jesus and Mary walking with me, sometimes carrying me.

Mary Undoer of Knots, Pray for those of us with depression, and our families.
 
Oh my goodness, don’t know where to begin with this reply … but I live with a seriously, chronically depressed spouse. It has tested me in every way. We have three youngsters ages 4-11; I’m in my mid-40’s and he in his early 50’s. He was much different during our courtship, but after the first year of marriage he confessed to being suicidal. I guess the honeymoon had worn off and I hadn’t been his ticket to happiness afterall.

Don’t write me off as a meanie … I really felt for him for many years, tried to guide him in a spiritual direction, explain the Catholic position on suffering, offer him the perspective of my personal experience - nothing helped. He had been a drug and alcohol addict long before I met him but had cleaned up, gone to college anp progressed to a good white-collar career. But the man inside was still very broken.

He saw several counselors over the years, tried different medications, but eventually wound up addicted to prescription painkillers, an addiction that his own brothers helped him into and helped him hide from me - for two and a half years! I’d estimate he spent $20,000 on his habit before I discovered it. I made the decision to hold an intervention; he went off to his second in-patient rehab stint, and the kids and I were still there when he came home.

Since rehab, he has cycled through at least seven antidepressants and shelled out thousands on therapy. We have also tried marriage counseling at the same time. His addictions morphed into gluttony and pornography. Whereas he once hid his porn use from me, he now uses the laptop that his office issued to him, claiming that he can keep his dirty little secret away from us that way. He has put on forty pounds and raids the pantry every night. I’ve had to resort to locking up food so that there will be bread and cereal available in the morning. He pops pills endlessly; his five prescription meds, OTC pills to help him sleep, OTC pills to keep him awake, pills for heartburn, “carb blockers” to deal with the massive caloric intake, Sudafed to give him a rush every day, plus numerous other supplements. He is still desperately unhappy. I finally put my foot down over the porn issue, and we no longer sleep together (his snoring and constant foraging had me desperately exhausted). We do not have a sexual relationship - I do this not out of vengeance but to preserve my own dignity, knowing that his sexual appetite centers around the pornographic images burned into his brain, not around any love or respect for me.

Last summer, he became physically abusive toward me during an argument - the first time in our marriage. He was arrested for it.

Last month, both our marriage therapist and his therapist came to the conclusion that he has an “Axis Two Personality Disorder” and may be beyond repair.

Is it hard? You bet. I live it every day.

I have decided to remain in our marrriage because I can best protect our children in the situation as it is, rather than to be divorced and share custody. Despite everything I’ve listed above, attorneys have told me he hasn’t “done enough” to have to relinquish custody of our children to me in a divorce. As things are now, I homeschool the kids and am very involved in every aspect of their upbringing. It includes a very strong catechesis, frequent Mass attendance, devotions and daily prayers. In a divorce situation, I would lose my ability to do what I can do now. So I remain where I am, pray for a miracle, but have learned to give him full ownership of his misery. Al-Anon helped immeasurably, but my greatest strength comes from frequent Eucharistic adoration. I have finally connected with God, and in Him have found infinite strength. I hand over my burdens to Him every day.

I pray for you and all of us in this situation. Don’t forget to pray for your spouse too. Let him own his dignity as well as his problems. And learn to find joy outside of your marriage situation - just as there is pain all around, so too there are blessings and joy.

God bless.
 
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